西班牙文化之旅

Conclusion

結論

Shortly before Christmas last year, I stood in the kids’ section of a Washington, D.C., Walmart, shopping list in hand, gazing at toys and talking myself out of each of them. That year, I had volunteered to “adopt” a needy child, which meant that I was given a list by the local branch of the Salvation Army and told to return with a bag of unwrapped Christmas gifts.

去年耶誕節前不久，我站在華盛頓特區沃爾瑪的兒童區，手裡拿著購物清單，凝視著玩具，並說服自己擺脫每一個玩具。那一年，我自告奮勇地“領養”了一個有需要的孩子，這意味著救世軍當地分會給了我一份名單，並告訴我要帶著一袋未包裝的聖誕禮物回來。

It sounds pretty simple, but I managed to find fault with nearly every suggestion. Pajamas? Poor people don’t wear pajamas. We fall asleep in our underwear or blue jeans. To this day, I find the very notion of pajamas an unnecessary elite indulgence, like caviar or electric ice cube makers. There was a toy guitar that I thought looked both fun and enriching, but I remembered the electronic keyboard my grandparents had given me one year and how one of Mom’s boyfriends meanly ordered me to “shut that fucking thing up.” I passed on learning aids for fear of appearing condescending. Eventually I settled on some clothes, a fake cell phone, and fire trucks.

這聽起來很簡單，但我設法對幾乎所有建議都挑剔。睡衣？窮人不穿睡衣。我們穿著內衣或藍色牛仔褲入睡。直到今天，我仍然覺得睡衣的概念是一種不必要的精英放縱，就像魚子醬或電冰塊機一樣。有一把玩具吉他，我覺得它看起來既有趣又豐富，但我想起了我祖父母一年送給我的電子琴，以及媽媽的一個男朋友如何卑鄙地命令我“把那個該死的東西閉嘴”。我把學習輔助工具傳給別人，怕顯得居高臨下。最終，我買了一些衣服、一部假手機和消防車。

I grew up in a world where everyone worried about how they’d pay for Christmas. Now I live in one where opportunities abound for the wealthy and privileged to shower their generosity on the community’s poor. Many prestigious law firms sponsor an “angel program,” which assigns a child to a lawyer and provides a wish list of gifts. Usha’s former courthouse encouraged judicial employees to adopt a kid for the holidays—each a child of someone who previously went through the court system. Program coordinators hoped that if someone else purchased presents, the child’s parents might feel less tempted to commit crimes in order to provide. And there’s always Toys for Tots. During the past few Christmas seasons, I’ve found myself in large department stores, buying toys for kids I’ve never met.

我成長在一個每個人都擔心如何支付耶誕節費用的世界里。現在，我生活在一個富人和特權階層有機會向社區的窮人慷慨解囊的地方。許多著名的律師事務所贊助了一個「天使計劃」，該計劃將一個孩子分配給律師，並提供一份禮物的願望清單。烏沙的前法院鼓勵司法雇員在假期收養一個孩子——每個孩子都是以前通過法院系統的人的孩子。項目協調員希望，如果其他人購買了禮物，孩子的父母可能會減少為了提供禮物而犯罪的誘惑。而且總是有適合兒童的玩具。在過去的幾個耶誕節期間，我發現自己在大型百貨公司，為我從未見過的孩子購買玩具。

As I shop, I’m reminded that wherever I fell on the American socioeconomic ladder as a child, others occupy much lower rungs: children who cannot depend on the generosity of grandparents for Christmas gifts; parents whose financial situations are so dire that they rely on criminal conduct—rather than payday loans—to put today’s hot toys under the tree. This is a very useful exercise. As scarcity has given way to plenty in my own life, these moments of retail reflection force me to consider just how lucky I am.

當我購物時，我想起了我小時候在美國社會經濟階梯上的哪個地方，其他人佔據的階梯要低得多：不能依賴祖父母慷慨購買聖誕禮物的孩子;父母的財務狀況如此糟糕，以至於他們依靠犯罪行為——而不是發薪日貸款——將今天的熱門玩具放在樹下。這是一個非常有用的練習。隨著稀缺性在我自己的生活中讓位於豐富，這些零售反思的時刻迫使我考慮我是多麼幸運。

Still, shopping for low-income kids reminds me of my childhood and of the ways that Christmas gifts can serve as domestic land mines. Every year the parents in my neighborhood would begin an annual ritual very different from the one I’ve become accustomed to in my new material comfort: worrying about how to give their kids a “nice Christmas,” with niceness always defined by the bounty underneath the Christmas tree. If your friends came over the week before Christmas and saw a barren floor beneath the tree, you would offer a justification. “Mom just hasn’t gone shopping yet” or “Dad’s waiting for a big paycheck at the end of the year, and then he’ll get a ton of stuff.” These excuses were meant to mask what everyone knew: All of us were poor, and no amount of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles memorabilia would change that.

儘管如此，為低收入家庭的孩子購物還是讓我想起了我的童年，以及聖誕禮物可以成為家庭地雷的方式。每年，我家附近的父母都會開始一年一度的儀式，這與我在新的物質享受中習慣的儀式截然不同：擔心如何給他們的孩子一個“美好的耶誕節”，聖誕樹下的賞金總是定義美好。如果你的朋友在耶誕節前一周過來，看到樹下有一片荒蕪的地板，你會提供一個理由。“媽媽還沒去購物”或“爸爸在等年底拿到大筆薪水，然後他會得到一大堆東西。這些藉口是為了掩蓋每個人都知道的事實：我們所有人都很窮，再多的忍者神龜紀念品也無法改變這一點。

No matter our financial position, our family somehow managed to spend just more than we had on holiday shopping. We didn’t qualify for credit cards, but there were many ways to spend money you didn’t have. You could write a future date on a check (a practice called “post-dating”) so the recipient couldn’t cash it until you had money in the bank. You could draw a short-term loan from a payday lender. If all else failed, you could borrow money from the grandparents. Indeed, I recall many winter conversations in which Mom pleaded with Mamaw and Papaw to lend her money to ensure that their grandchildren had a nice Christmas. They’d always protest Mom’s understanding of what made Christmas nice, but they’d still give in. It might be the day before Christmas, but our tree would be piled high with the trendiest gifts even as our family savings dwindled from very little to nothing, then from nothing to something less than that.

無論我們的財務狀況如何，我們的家人不知何故設法花的錢比我們在假日購物上的花費還要多。我們沒有資格使用信用卡，但有很多方法可以花掉你沒有的錢。你可以在支票上寫上未來的日期（這種做法稱為“約會後”），這樣收款人就無法兌現，直到你在銀行里有錢。您可以從發薪日貸方獲得短期貸款。如果一切都失敗了，你可以向祖父母借錢。事實上，我記得許多冬天的談話，媽媽懇求媽媽和爸爸借錢給她，以確保他們的孫子孫女過一個愉快的耶誕節。他們總是會抗議媽媽對聖誕節美好的理解，但他們仍然會屈服。雖然是耶誕節的前一天，但我們家的積蓄從很少到一無所有，然後從一無所有到更少，我們的樹上會堆滿最時髦的禮物。

When I was a baby, Mom and Lindsay frantically searched for a Teddy Ruxpin doll, a toy so popular that every store in town sold out. It was expensive and, as I was only two, unnecessary. But Lindsay still remembers the day wasted searching for the toy. Mom somehow received a tip about a stranger who was willing to part with one of his Ruxpins at a significant markup. Mom and Lindsay traveled to his house to fetch the trinket that stood between a child who could barely walk and the Christmas of his dreams. The only thing I remember of old Teddy is finding him in a box years later, his sweater tattered and his face covered in crusted snot.

當我還是個嬰兒的時候，媽媽和琳賽瘋狂地尋找泰迪魯斯平娃娃，這個玩具非常受歡迎，鎮上的每家商店都賣光了。它很貴，而且因為我只有兩歲，所以沒有必要。但琳賽仍然記得尋找玩具的那一天。媽媽不知何故收到了一個關於一個陌生人的提示，他願意以顯著的加價與他的一個 Ruxpins 分開。媽媽和琳賽去他家取小飾品，這個小飾品擋在一個幾乎不能走路的孩子和他夢想中的耶誕節之間。關於老泰迪，我唯一記得的就是多年後在一個盒子里發現他，他的毛衣破爛不堪，臉上沾滿了結痂的鼻涕。

It was the holiday season that taught me about tax refunds, which I gathered were free bits of money sent to the poor in the new year to save them from the financial indiscretions of the old one. Income tax refunds were the ultimate backstops. “We can definitely afford this; we’ll just pay for it with the refund check” became a Christmas mantra. But the government was fickle. There were few moments more anxious than the one when Mom came home from the tax preparer in early January. Sometimes the refund exceeded expectations. But when Mom learned that Uncle Sam couldn’t cover the Christmas splurge because her “credits” weren’t as high as she had hoped, that could ruin your whole month. Ohio Januaries are depressing enough as it is.

正是假期教會了我退稅的知識，我收集的退稅是在新的一年裡寄給窮人的免費錢，以使他們免於舊年的財務輕率。所得稅退稅是最終的後盾。“我們絕對負擔得起;我們只會用退款支票來支付它“成為耶誕節的口頭禪。但政府是善變的。沒有什麼比一月初媽媽從報稅員那裡回家時更焦慮的時刻了。有時退款超出預期。但是，當媽媽得知山姆大叔無法支付耶誕節的揮霍，因為她的“信用”沒有她希望的那麼高時，這可能會毀了你的整個月。俄亥俄州的一月已經足夠令人沮喪了。

I assumed that rich people celebrated Christmas just like us, perhaps with fewer financial worries and even cooler presents. Yet I noticed after my cousin Bonnie was born that Christmastime at Aunt Wee’s house had a decidedly different flavor. Somehow my aunt and uncle’s children ended up with more pedestrian gifts than I had come to expect as a child. There was no obsession with meeting a two- or three-hundred-dollar threshold for each child, no worry that a kid would suffer in the absence of the newest electronic gadget. Usha often received books for Christmas. My cousin Bonnie, at the age of eleven, asked her parents to donate her Christmas gifts to Middletown’s needy. Shockingly, her parents obliged: They didn’t define their family’s Christmas holiday by the dollar value of gifts their daughter accumulated.

我以為有錢人和我們一樣慶祝耶誕節，也許財務上的擔憂更少，禮物更酷。然而，在我的表妹邦妮出生後，我注意到黃阿姨家的耶誕節有一種截然不同的味道。不知何故，我姨媽和叔叔的孩子最終得到了比我小時候預期的更多的行人禮物。他們不執著於滿足每個孩子兩三百美元的門檻，也不擔心孩子在沒有最新電子產品的情況下會受苦。烏莎經常在耶誕節收到書。我的表妹邦妮（Bonnie）在11歲時，要求她的父母將她的聖誕禮物捐贈給米德爾敦的窮人。令人震驚的是，她的父母有義務：他們沒有用女兒積累的禮物的美元價值來定義他們家的耶誕節假期。

However you want to define these two groups and their approach to giving—rich and poor; educated and uneducated; upper-class and working-class—their members increasingly occupy two separate worlds. As a cultural emigrant from one group to the other, I am acutely aware of their differences. Sometimes I view members of the elite with an almost primal scorn—recently, an acquaintance used the word “confabulate” in a sentence, and I just wanted to scream. But I have to give it to them: Their children are happier and healthier, their divorce rates lower, their church attendance higher, their lives longer. These people are beating us at our own damned game.

然而，你想定義這兩個群體和他們的捐贈方式——富人和窮人;受過教育和未受過教育;上層階級和工人階級——他們的成員越來越多地佔據著兩個不同的世界。作為一個從一個群體到另一個群體的文化移民，我敏銳地意識到他們的差異。有時我以一種近乎原始的蔑視來看待精英成員——最近，一個熟人在一句話中使用了“混淆”這個詞，我只想尖叫。但我必須告訴他們：他們的孩子更快樂、更健康，他們的離婚率更低，他們的教會出席率更高，他們的壽命更長。這些人在我們自己該死的遊戲中擊敗我們。

I was able to escape the worst of my culture’s inheritance. And uneasy though I am about my new life, I cannot whine about it: The life I lead now was the stuff of fantasy during my childhood. So many people helped create that fantasy. At every level of my life and in every environment, I have found family and mentors and lifelong friends who supported and enabled me.

我能夠逃脫我文化遺產中最糟糕的遺產。雖然我對我的新生活感到不安，但我不能抱怨它：我現在的生活是我童年時期的幻想。這麼多人幫助創造了這種幻想。在我生活的各個層面和每個環境中，我都找到了支持和説明我的家人、導師和終生的朋友。

But I often wonder: Where would I be without them? I think back on my freshman year of high school, a grade I nearly failed, and the morning when Mom walked into Mamaw’s house demanding a cup of clean urine. Or years before that, when I was a lonely kid with two fathers, neither of whom I saw very often, and Papaw decided that he would be the best dad he could be for as long as he lived. Or the months I spent with Lindsay, a teenage girl acting as a mother while our own mother lived in a treatment center. Or the moment I can’t even remember when Papaw installed a secret phone line in the bottom of my toy box so that Lindsay could call Mamaw and Papaw if things got a little too crazy. Thinking about it now, about how close I was to the abyss, gives me chills. I am one lucky son of a bitch.

但我經常想：如果沒有他們，我會在哪裡？我回想起我高中一年級的時候，我差點不及格，那天早上媽媽走進媽媽家，要一杯乾淨的尿液。或者在那之前的幾年裡，當我還是一個孤獨的孩子，有兩個父親，我都不經常見到他們，爸爸決定只要他活著，他就會成為最好的父親。或者我和琳賽一起度過的幾個月，琳賽是一個十幾歲的女孩，而我們自己的母親住在治療中心。或者那一刻，我什至不記得爸爸什麼時候在我的玩具盒底部安裝了一條秘密電話線，這樣如果事情變得有點太瘋狂，琳賽就可以打電話給媽媽和爸爸。現在想想，想到我離深淵有多近，讓我不寒而慄。我是一個幸運的婊子。

Not long ago, I had lunch with Brian, a young man who reminded me of fifteen-year-old J.D. Like Mom, his mother caught a taste for narcotics, and like me, he has a complicated relationship with his father. He’s a sweet kid with a big heart and a quiet manner. He has spent nearly his entire life in Appalachian Kentucky; we went to lunch at a local fast-food restaurant, because in that corner of the world there isn’t much else to eat. As we talked, I noticed little quirks that few others would. He didn’t want to share his milk shake, which was a little out of character for a kid who ended every sentence with “please” or “thank you.” He finished his food quickly and then nervously looked from person to person. I could tell that he wanted to ask a question, so I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and asked if he needed anything. “Y—Yeah,” he started, refusing to make eye contact. And then, almost in a whisper: “I wonder if I could get a few more french fries?” He was hungry. In 2014, in the richest country on earth, he wanted a little extra to eat but felt uncomfortable asking. Lord help us.

不久前，我和布萊恩共進午餐，他讓我想起了15歲的J.D.。和媽媽一樣，他的母親也染上了毒品的嗜好，和我一樣，他和父親的關係也很複雜。他是一個可愛的孩子，心胸寬廣，舉止安靜。他幾乎一生都在肯塔基州的阿巴拉契亞度過;我們去當地的一家速食店吃午飯，因為在世界的那個角落，沒有太多東西可以吃。當我們交談時，我注意到了其他人很少會遇到的小怪癖。他不想分享他的奶昔，這對於一個以“請”或“謝謝”結束每個句子的孩子來說有點不合時宜。他很快吃完了食物，然後緊張地從一個人看向另一個人。我看得出來，他想問一個問題，所以我用胳膊摟住他的肩膀，問他需要什麼。“是的，”他開始說，拒絕眼神交流。然後，幾乎是低聲說：「我想知道我能不能再吃幾根炸薯條？他餓了。2014年，在地球上最富有的國家，他想多吃一點東西，但覺得問得不舒服。主幫助我們。

Just a few months after we saw each other last, Brian’s mom died unexpectedly. He hadn’t lived with her in years, so outsiders might imagine that her death was easier to bear. Those folks are wrong. People like Brian and me don’t lose contact with our parents because we don’t care; we lose contact with them to survive. We never stop loving, and we never lose hope that our loved ones will change. Rather, we are forced, either by wisdom or by the law, to take the path of self-preservation.

就在我們最後一次見面的幾個月後，布萊恩的媽媽意外去世了。他已經很多年沒有和她住在一起了，所以外人可能會認為她的死更容易忍受。那些人錯了。像布萊恩和我這樣的人不會因為我們不在乎而與父母失去聯繫;為了生存，我們失去了與他們的聯繫。我們永遠不會停止愛，我們永遠不會失去希望，我們所愛的人會改變。相反，無論是出於智慧還是出於法律，我們都被迫走上自我保護的道路。

What happens to Brian? He has no Mamaw or Papaw, at least not like mine, and though he’s lucky enough to have supportive family who will keep him out of foster care, his hope of a “normal life” evaporated long ago, if it ever existed. When we met, his mother had already permanently lost custody. In his short life, he has already experienced multiple instances of childhood trauma, and in a few years he will begin making decisions about employment and education that even children of wealth and privilege have trouble navigating.

布萊恩怎麼了？他沒有媽媽或爸爸，至少不像我一樣，儘管他很幸運有支援他的家人，可以讓他遠離寄養，但他對“正常生活”的希望很久以前就消失了，如果它曾經存在過的話。當我們見面時，他的母親已經永久失去了監護權。在他短暫的一生中，他已經經歷了多次童年創傷，幾年後，他將開始做出關於就業和教育的決定，即使是富有和特權的孩子也難以駕馭。

Any chance he has lies with the people around him—his family, me, my kin, the people like us, and the broad community of hillbillies. And if that chance is to materialize, we hillbillies must wake the hell up. Brian’s mom’s death was another shitty card in an already abysmal hand, but there are many cards left to deal: whether his community empowers him with a sense that he can control his own destiny or encourages him to take refuge in resentment at forces beyond his control; whether he can access a church that teaches him lessons of Christian love, family, and purpose; whether those people who do step up to positively influence Brian find emotional and spiritual support from their neighbors.

他的任何機會都在於他周圍的人——他的家人、我、我的親戚、像我們這樣的人，以及廣大的鄉巴佬社區。如果這個機會要實現，我們鄉巴佬必須醒來。布萊恩媽媽的死是本已糟糕的手中的另一張爛牌，但還有很多牌需要處理：他的社區是否賦予他一種可以控制自己命運的感覺，還是鼓勵他在對他無法控制的力量的怨恨中尋求庇護;他是否能進入一個教導他基督徒的愛、家庭和目的的教會;那些挺身而出對布萊恩產生積極影響的人是否從鄰居那裡得到了情感和精神上的支援。

I believe we hillbillies are the toughest goddamned people on this earth. We take an electric saw to the hide of those who insult our mother. We make young men consume cotton undergarments to protect a sister’s honor. But are we tough enough to do what needs to be done to help a kid like Brian? Are we tough enough to build a church that forces kids like me to engage with the world rather than withdraw from it? Are we tough enough to look ourselves in the mirror and admit that our conduct harms our children?

我相信我們鄉巴佬是這個世界上最強硬的人。我們拿著電鋸去那些侮辱我們母親的人的藏身之處。我們讓年輕男人穿棉內衣來保護姊妹的榮譽。但是，我們是否足夠堅強，可以做需要做的事情來説明像布萊恩這樣的孩子？我們是否足夠堅強，可以建立一個教會，迫使像我這樣的孩子與世界接觸，而不是退出世界？我們是否足夠堅強，可以照照鏡子，承認我們的行為傷害了我們的孩子？

Public policy can help, but there is no government that can fix these problems for us.

公共政策可以提供説明，但沒有政府可以為我們解決這些問題。

Recall how my cousin Mike sold his mother’s house—a property that had been in our family for over a century—because he couldn’t trust his own neighbors not to ransack it. Mamaw refused to purchase bicycles for her grandchildren because they kept disappearing—even when locked up—from her front porch. She feared answering her door toward the end of her life because an able-bodied woman who lived next door would not stop bothering her for cash—money, we later learned, for drugs. These problems were not created by governments or corporations or anyone else. We created them, and only we can fix them.

回想一下我的表弟邁克是如何賣掉他母親的房子的——這處房產已經在我們家住了一個多世紀了——因為他不能相信自己的鄰居不會洗劫它。媽媽拒絕為她的孫子購買自行車，因為它們不斷從她的前廊消失，即使被鎖著。她害怕在她生命的盡頭應門，因為住在隔壁的一位身體健全的女人不會停止為現金而煩惱——我們後來才知道，錢是為了毒品。這些問題不是由政府、公司或其他任何人造成的。我們創造了它們，只有我們才能修復它們。

We don’t need to live like the elites of California, New York, or Washington, D.C. We don’t need to work a hundred hours a week at law firms and investment banks. We don’t need to socialize at cocktail parties. We do need to create a space for the J.D.s and Brians of the world to have a chance. I don’t know what the answer is, precisely, but I know it starts when we stop blaming Obama or Bush or faceless companies and ask ourselves what we can do to make things better.

我們不需要像加利福尼亞、紐約或華盛頓特區的精英那樣生活。我們不需要每周在律師事務所和投資銀行工作一百個小時。我們不需要在雞尾酒會上社交。我們確實需要為世界上的 JD 和 Brians 創造一個機會的空間。我不知道答案是什麼，確切地說，但我知道，當我們停止責怪奧巴馬或布希或不露面的公司，並問問自己我們能做些什麼來讓事情變得更好時，它就開始了。

I wanted to ask Brian whether, like me, he had bad dreams. For nearly two decades, I suffered from a terrible recurring nightmare. The first time it came to me, I was seven, fast asleep in my great Mamaw Blanton’s bed. In the dream, I’m trapped in large conference room in a large tree house—as if the Keebler elves had just finished a massive picnic and their tree house were still adorned with dozens of tables and chairs. I’m there alone with Lindsay and Mamaw, when all of a sudden Mom charges through the room, tossing tables and chairs as she goes. She screams, but her voice is robotic and distorted, as if filtered through radio static. Mamaw and Lindsay run for a hole in the floor—presumably the exit ladder from the tree house. I fall behind, and by the time I reach the exit, Mom is just behind me. I wake up, right as she’s about to grab me, when I realize not just that the monster has caught me but that Mamaw and Lindsay have abandoned me.

我想問布萊恩，他是否和我一樣，做過噩夢。在將近二十年的時間里，我遭受了一個可怕的反覆出現的噩夢。我第一次見到它的時候，我七歲，在我偉大的布蘭頓媽媽的床上睡著了。在夢中，我被困在一個大樹屋的大會議室里——就好像基布勒精靈剛剛結束了一次大規模的野餐，他們的樹屋裡還裝飾著幾十張桌子和椅子。我和琳賽和媽媽獨自一人在那裡，突然間媽媽衝進房間，邊走邊扔桌子和椅子。她尖叫著，但她的聲音是機械的和扭曲的，彷彿被無線電靜電過濾了。媽媽和琳賽跑向地板上的一個洞——大概是樹屋的出口梯子。我落後了，當我到達出口時，媽媽就在我身後。我醒來，就在她要抓住我的時候，我意識到不僅怪物抓住了我，而且媽媽和琳賽已經拋棄了我。

In different versions, the antagonist changes form. It has been a Marine Corps drill instructor, a barking dog, a movie villain, and a mean teacher. Mamaw and Lindsay always make an appearance, and they always make it to the exit just ahead of me. Without fail, the dream provokes pure terror. The first time I had it, I woke up and ran to Mamaw, who was up late watching TV. I explained the dream and begged her never to leave me. She promised that she wouldn’t and stroked my hair until I fell asleep again.

在不同的版本中，拮抗劑會改變形式。它曾是海軍陸戰隊的演習教官，吠叫的狗，電影反派和卑鄙的老師。媽媽和琳賽總是露面，他們總是在我前面走到出口。毫無疑問，這個夢激起了純粹的恐怖。我第一次吃它時，我醒來跑去找媽媽，她看電視到很晚。我解釋了這個夢，並懇求她永遠不要離開我。她答應不會，撫摸著我的頭髮，直到我再次入睡。

My subconscious had spared me for years, when, out of nowhere, I had the dream again a few weeks after I graduated from law school. There was a crucial difference: The subject of the monster’s ire wasn’t me but my dog, Casper, with whom I’d lost my temper earlier in the night. There was no Lindsay and no Mamaw. And I was the monster.

我的潛意識已經饒了我好幾年了，當我從法學院畢業幾周后，我突然又做了一個夢。有一個關鍵的區別：怪物憤怒的物件不是我，而是我的狗卡斯珀，我晚上早些時候對它發了脾氣。沒有琳賽，也沒有媽媽。而我就是那個怪物。

I chased my poor dog around the tree house, hoping to catch him and throttle him. But I felt Casper’s terror, and I felt my shame at having lost my temper. I finally caught up to him, but I didn’t wake up. Instead, Casper turned and looked at me with those sad, heart-piercing eyes that only dogs possess. So I didn’t throttle him; I gave him a hug. And the last emotion I felt before waking was relief at having controlled my temper.

我在樹屋裡追著我可憐的狗，希望能抓住他並限制他。但是我感受到了卡斯帕的恐懼，我為自己發脾氣而感到羞恥。我終於追上了他，但我沒有醒來。相反，卡斯帕轉過身來，用只有狗才有的悲傷、刺透心靈的眼睛看著我。所以我沒有限制他;我給了他一個擁抱。醒來前，我感受到的最後一種情緒是控制住了自己的脾氣。

I got out of bed for a glass of cold water, and when I returned, Casper was staring at me, wondering what on earth his human was doing awake at such an odd hour. It was two o’clock in the morning—probably about the same time it was when I first woke from the terrifying dream over twenty years earlier. There was no Mamaw to comfort me. But there were my two dogs on the floor, and there was the love of my life lying in bed. Tomorrow I would go to work, take the dogs to the park, buy groceries with Usha, and make a nice dinner. It was everything I ever wanted. So I patted Casper’s head and went back to sleep.

我下床喝了一杯冷水，當我回來時，卡斯帕正盯著我看，想知道他的人類在這樣一個奇怪的時刻醒來到底在做什麼。那是淩晨兩點鐘——大概是二十多年前我第一次從可怕的夢中醒來的時候。沒有媽媽來安慰我。但是地板上躺著我的兩隻狗，床上躺著我一生的摯愛。明天我會去上班，帶狗去公園，和烏莎一起買雜貨，做一頓豐盛的晚餐。這是我想要的一切。於是我拍了拍卡斯珀的頭，繼續睡覺。