西班牙文化之旅

Chapter 14

第14章

As I started my second year of law school, I felt like I’d made it. Fresh off a summer job at the U.S. Senate, I returned to New Haven with a wealth of new friends and experiences. I had this beautiful girlfriend, and I had a great job at a nice law firm almost in hand. I knew that kids like me weren’t supposed to get this far, and I congratulated myself for having beaten the odds. I was better than where I came from: better than Mom and her addiction and better than the father figures who’d walked out on me. I regretted only that Mamaw and Papaw weren’t around to see it.

當我開始進入法學院的第二年時，我覺得我已經成功了。剛結束在美國參議院的暑期工作，我帶著豐富的新朋友和經驗回到了紐黑文。我有個漂亮的女朋友，我在一家不錯的律師事務所找到了一份很棒的工作。我知道像我這樣的孩子不應該走到這一步，我祝賀自己戰勝了困難。我比我來自哪裡要好：比媽媽和她的毒癮要好，比那些對我出門的父親形象要好。我只後悔媽媽和爸爸沒有在身邊看到它。

But there were signs that things weren’t going so well, particularly in my relationship with Usha. We’d been dating for only a few months when she stumbled upon an analogy that described me perfectly. I was, she said, a turtle. “Whenever something bad happens—even a hint of disagreement—you withdraw completely. It’s like you have a shell that you hide in.”

但有跡象表明事情進展得並不順利，尤其是在我和烏莎的關係中。我們約會了幾個月，她偶然發現了一個完美地描述我的比喻。她說，我是一隻。“每當有不好的事情發生時，哪怕是一絲分歧，你都會完全退縮。這就像你有一個藏身的殼。

It was true. I had no idea how to deal with relationship problems, so I chose not to deal with them at all. I could scream at her when she did something I didn’t like, but that seemed mean. Or I could withdraw and get away. Those were the proverbial arrows in my quiver, and I had nothing else. The thought of fighting with her reduced me to a morass of the qualities I thought I hadn’t inherited from my family: stress, sadness, fear, anxiety. It was all there, and it was intense.

這是真的。我不知道如何處理人際關係問題，所以我選擇根本不處理它們。當她做了我不喜歡的事情時，我可以對她大喊大叫，但這似乎很卑鄙。或者我可以退出並離開。那是我箭袋裡的箭，我沒有別的了。一想到要和她吵架，我就陷入了我以為我沒有從家人那裡繼承的品質的泥潭：壓力、悲傷、恐懼、焦慮。一切都在那裡，而且很激烈。

So I tried to get away, but Usha wouldn’t let me. I tried to break everything off multiple times, but she told me that was stupid unless I didn’t care about her. So I’d scream and I’d yell. I’d do all of the hateful things that my mother had done. And then I’d feel guilty and desperately afraid. For so much of my life, I’d made Mom out to be a kind of villain. And now I was acting like her. Nothing compares to the fear that you’re becoming the monster in your closet.

所以我試圖逃跑，但烏莎不讓我。我多次試圖打破一切，但她告訴我，除非我不在乎她，否則這是愚蠢的。所以我會尖叫，我會大喊大叫。我會做我母親做過的所有可惡的事情。然後我會感到內疚和極度害怕。在我生命的大部分時間里，我把媽媽塑造成一個惡棍。現在我表現得像她一樣。沒有什麼能比得上你成為壁櫥里的怪物的恐懼。

During that second year of law school, Usha and I traveled to D.C. for follow-up interviews with a few law firms. I returned to our hotel room, dejected that I had just performed poorly with one of the firms I really wanted to work for. When Usha tried to comfort me, to tell me that I’d probably done better than I expected, but that even if I hadn’t, there were other fish in the sea, I exploded. “Don’t tell me that I did fine,” I yelled. “You’re just making an excuse for weakness. I didn’t get here by making excuses for failure.”

在法學院的第二年，烏莎和我前往華盛頓特區，對幾家律師事務所進行了後續採訪。我回到酒店房間，沮喪地發現我剛剛在我真正想為之工作的一家公司表現不佳。當烏莎試圖安慰我，告訴我我可能比我預期的要好，但即使我沒有，海裡還有其他魚，我爆炸了。“別告訴我我做得很好，”我喊道。“你只是在為軟弱找藉口。我不是通過為失敗找藉口而走到這一步的。

I stormed out of the room and spent the next couple of hours on the streets of D.C.’s business district. I thought about that time Mom took me and our toy poodle to Middletown’s Comfort Inn after a screaming match with Bob. We stayed there for a couple of days, until Mamaw convinced Mom that she had to return home and face her problems like an adult. And I thought about Mom during her childhood, running out the back door with her mother and sister to avoid another night of terror with her alcoholic father. I was a third-generation escaper.

我衝出房間，在華盛頓特區商業區的街道上度過了接下來的幾個小時。我想起了媽媽在與鮑勃的尖叫比賽后帶我和我們的玩具貴賓犬去米德爾敦的舒適旅館的那次。我們在那裡呆了幾天，直到媽媽說服媽媽，她必須回家，像成年人一樣面對她的問題。我想起了小時候的媽媽，她和媽媽和姐姐一起跑出後門，以避免和她酗酒的父親一起度過另一個恐怖的夜晚。我是第三代逃亡者。

I was near Ford’s Theatre, the historic location where John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln. About half a block from the theater is a corner store that sells Lincoln memorabilia. In it, a large Lincoln blow-up doll with an extraordinarily large grin gazes at those walking by. I felt like this inflatable Lincoln was mocking me. Why the hell is he smiling? I thought. Lincoln was melancholy to begin with, and if any place invoked a smile, surely it wouldn’t be a stone’s throw away from the place where someone shot him in the head.

我當時在福特劇院附近，約翰·威爾克斯·布斯（John Wilkes Booth）拍攝亞伯拉罕·林肯（Abraham Lincoln）的歷史地點。距離劇院大約半個街區的地方有一家街角商店，出售林肯紀念品。在照片中，一個巨大的林肯吹氣娃娃帶著非常燦爛的笑容凝視著路過的人。我覺得這輛充氣林肯在嘲笑我。他到底為什麼笑？我以為。林肯一開始就很憂鬱，如果有哪個地方能喚起他的微笑，那肯定離有人朝他頭部開槍的地方只有一箭之遙。

I turned the corner, and after a few steps I saw Usha sitting on the steps of Ford’s Theatre. She had run after me, worried about me being alone. I realized then that I had a problem—that I must confront whatever it was that had, for generations, caused those in my family to hurt those whom they loved. I apologized profusely to Usha. I expected her to tell me to go fuck myself, that it would take days to make up for what I’d done, that I was a terrible person. A sincere apology is a surrender, and when someone surrenders, you go in for the kill. But Usha wasn’t interested in that. She calmly told me through her tears that it was never acceptable to run away, that she was worried, and that I had to learn how to talk to her. And then she gave me a hug and told me that she accepted my apology and was glad I was okay. That was the end of it.

我轉過拐角，走了幾步后，我看到烏莎坐在福特劇院的台階上。她追著我跑，擔心我一個人。那時我意識到我有一個問題——我必須面對世世代代導致我家人傷害他們所愛的人的一切。我向烏莎道歉。我以為她會告訴我去他媽的，我需要幾天才能彌補我所做的一切，我是一個可怕的人。真誠的道歉就是投降，當有人投降時，你就去殺人。但烏莎對此並不感興趣。她流著眼淚平靜地告訴我，逃跑是絕對不能接受的，她很擔心，我必須學會如何與她交談。然後她給了我一個擁抱，告訴我她接受了我的道歉，很高興我沒事。事情就這樣結束了。

Usha hadn’t learned how to fight in the hillbilly school of hard knocks. The first time I visited her family for Thanksgiving, I was amazed at the lack of drama. Usha’s mother didn’t complain about her father behind his back. There were no suggestions that good family friends were liars or backstabbers, no angry exchanges between a man’s wife and the same man’s sister. Usha’s parents seemed to genuinely like her grandmother and spoke of their siblings with love. When I asked her father about a relatively estranged family member, I expected to hear a rant about character flaws. What I heard instead was sympathy and a little sadness but primarily a life lesson: “I still call him regularly and check up on him. You can’t just cast aside family members because they seem uninterested in you. You’ve got to make the effort, because they’re family.”

烏莎還沒有學會如何在鄉巴佬學校的硬敲中戰鬥。我第一次在感恩節拜訪她的家人時，我驚訝於沒有戲劇性。烏莎的母親沒有在背後抱怨她的父親。沒有跡象表明好家庭朋友是騙子或背刺者，一個男人的妻子和同一個男人的妹妹之間沒有憤怒的交流。烏莎的父母似乎真的很喜歡她的祖母，並充滿愛意地談論他們的兄弟姐妹。當我問她父親一個相對疏遠的家庭成員時，我本以為會聽到關於性格缺陷的咆哮。相反，我聽到的是同情和一點悲傷，但主要是人生的教訓：“我仍然定期打電話給他，檢查他。你不能因為家人似乎對你不感興趣就把他們拋在一邊。你必須付出努力，因為他們是一家人。

I tried to go to a counselor, but it was just too weird. Talking to some stranger about my feelings made me want to vomit. I did go to the library, and I learned that behavior I considered commonplace was the subject of pretty intense academic study. Psychologists call the everyday occurrences of my and Lindsay’s life “adverse childhood experiences,” or ACEs. ACEs are traumatic childhood events, and their consequences reach far into adulthood. The trauma need not be physical. The following events or feelings are some of the most common ACEs:

我試著去找輔導員，但這太奇怪了。和某個陌生人談論我的感受讓我想嘔吐。我確實去了圖書館，我瞭解到我認為司空見慣的行為是相當緊張的學術研究的主題。心理學家將我和琳賽生活中的日常事件稱為“不良童年經歷”，或稱ACE。ACE是創傷性的童年事件，其後果會一直影響到成年期。創傷不一定是身體上的。以下事件或感覺是一些最常見的 ACE：

        •  being sworn at, insulted, or humiliated by parents

• 被父母咒罵、侮辱或羞辱

        •  being pushed, grabbed, or having something thrown at you

• 被推搡、抓住或被人扔東西

        •  feeling that your family didn’t support each other

• 感覺家人沒有互相支援

        •  having parents who were separated or divorced

• 父母分居或離婚

        •  living with an alcoholic or a drug user

• 與酗酒者或吸毒者同住

        •  living with someone who was depressed or attempted suicide

• 與抑鬱或自殺未遂的人同住

        •  watching a loved one be physically abused.

• 眼睜睜地看著親人受到身體虐待。

ACEs happen everywhere, in every community. But studies have shown that ACEs are far more common in my corner of the demographic world. A report by the Wisconsin Children’s Trust Fund showed that among those with a college degree or more (the non–working class), fewer than half had experienced an ACE. Among the working class, well over half had at least one ACE, while about 40 percent had multiple ACEs. This is really striking—four in every ten working-class people had faced multiple instances of childhood trauma. For the non–working class, that number was 29 percent.

ACE無處不在，每個社區。但研究表明，ACE在我所在的人口世界中更為常見。威斯康星州兒童信託基金的一份報告顯示，在擁有大學學位或更高學位的人（非工人階級）中，只有不到一半的人經歷過ACE。在工人階級中，超過一半的人至少有一個ACE，而大約40%的人有多個ACE。這確實令人震驚——每十個工人階級中就有四個面臨過多次童年創傷。對於非工人階級來說，這個數位是29%。

I gave a quiz to Aunt Wee, Uncle Dan, Lindsay, and Usha that psychologists use to measure the number of ACEs a person has faced. Aunt Wee scored a seven—higher even than Lindsay and me, who each scored a six. Dan and Usha—the two people whose families seemed nice to the point of oddity—each scored a zero. The weird people were the ones who hadn’t faced any childhood trauma.

我給黃阿姨、丹叔叔、琳賽和烏莎做了一個測驗，心理學家用它來衡量一個人面臨的ACE數量。黃阿姨得了7分，甚至比琳賽和我都得了6分還要高。丹和烏莎——這兩個人的家庭看起來好到奇怪的地步——每人都得了零分。奇怪的人是那些沒有經歷過任何童年創傷的人。

Children with multiple ACEs are more likely to struggle with anxiety and depression, to suffer from heart disease and obesity, and to contract certain types of cancers. They’re also more likely to underperform in school and suffer from relationship instability as adults. Even excessive shouting can damage a kid’s sense of security and contribute to mental health and behavioral issues down the road.

患有多種ACE的兒童更有可能與焦慮和抑鬱作鬥爭，患有心臟病和肥胖症，並患上某些類型的癌症。他們也更有可能在學校表現不佳，並在成年後遭受人際關係不穩定的困擾。即使是過度的喊叫也會損害孩子的安全感，並導致未來的心理健康和行為問題。

Harvard pediatricians have studied the effect that childhood trauma has on the mind. In addition to later negative health consequences, the doctors found that constant stress can actually change the chemistry of a child’s brain. Stress, after all, is triggered by a physiological reaction. It’s the consequence of adrenaline and other hormones flooding our system, usually in response to some kind of stimulus. This is the classic fight-or-flight response that we learn about in grade school. It sometimes produces incredible feats of strength and bravery from ordinary people. It’s how mothers can lift heavy objects when their children are trapped underneath, and how an unarmed elderly woman can fight off a mountain lion with her bare hands to save her husband.

哈佛大學的兒科醫生研究了童年創傷對心靈的影響。除了後來的負面健康後果外，醫生們還發現，持續的壓力實際上會改變孩子大腦的化學成分。畢竟，壓力是由生理反應引發的。這是腎上腺素和其他激素充斥我們系統的結果，通常是對某種刺激的反應。這是我們在小學學到的經典戰鬥或逃跑反應。它有時會從普通人身上產生令人難以置信的力量和勇敢的壯舉。當孩子被困在下面時，母親如何舉起重物，以及手無寸鐵的老婦人如何徒手擊退美洲獅以拯救她的丈夫。

Unfortunately, the fight-or-flight response is a destructive constant companion. As Dr. Nadine Burke Harris put it, the response is great “if you’re in a forest and there’s a bear. The problem is when that bear comes home from the bar every night.” When that happens, the Harvard researchers found, the sector of the brain that deals with highly stressful situations takes over. “Significant stress in early childhood,” they write, “. . . result[s] in a hyperresponsive or chronically activated physiologic stress response, along with increased potential for fear and anxiety.” For kids like me, the part of the brain that deals with stress and conflict is always activated—the switch flipped indefinitely. We are constantly ready to fight or flee, because there is constant exposure to the bear, whether that bear is an alcoholic dad or an unhinged mom. We become hardwired for conflict. And that wiring remains, even when there’s no more conflict to be had.

不幸的是，戰鬥或逃跑的反應是一個破壞性的持續伴侶。正如納丁·伯克·哈裡斯（Nadine Burke Harris）博士所說，“如果你在森林裡，有一隻熊，反應很好。問題是那隻熊每天晚上從酒吧回家的時候。哈佛大學的研究人員發現，當這種情況發生時，大腦中處理高度壓力情況的部分就會接管。“童年早期的重大壓力，”他們寫道，“......導致過度反應或慢性啟動的生理應激反應，以及恐懼和焦慮的可能性增加。對於像我這樣的孩子來說，大腦中處理壓力和衝突的部分總是被啟動的——開關會無限期地翻轉。我們隨時準備戰鬥或逃跑，因為經常接觸熊，無論那隻熊是酗酒的爸爸還是精神錯亂的媽媽。我們天生就喜歡衝突。即使不再有衝突，這種聯繫仍然存在。

It’s not just fighting. By almost any measure, American working-class families experience a level of instability unseen elsewhere in the world. Consider, for instance, Mom’s revolving door of father figures. No other country experiences anything like this. In France, the percentage of children exposed to three or more maternal partners is 0.5 percent—about one in two hundred. The second highest share is 2.6 percent, in Sweden, or about one in forty. In the United States, the figure is a shocking 8.2 percent—about one in twelve—and the figure is even higher in the working class. The most depressing part is that relationship instability, like home chaos, is a vicious cycle. As sociologists Paula Fornby and Andrew Cherlin found, a “growing body of literature suggests that children who experience multiple transitions in family structure may fare worse developmentally than children raised in stable two-parent families and perhaps even than children raised in stable, single-parent families.”

這不僅僅是戰鬥。幾乎無論以何種標準衡量，美國工人階級家庭都經歷了世界其他地方從未見過的不穩定程度。例如，想想媽媽的父親形象的旋轉門。沒有其他國家經歷過這樣的事情。在法國，接觸三個或三個以上母性伴侶的兒童比例為0.5%，約為兩百分之一。第二高的份額是瑞典的2.6%，約佔四分之一。在美國，這個數位是令人震驚的8.2%，大約是十二分之一，而在工人階級中，這個數位甚至更高。最令人沮喪的是，關係不穩定，就像家庭混亂一樣，是一個惡性循環。正如社會學家保拉·福恩比（Paula Fornby）和安德魯·切林（Andrew Cherlin）所發現的那樣，“越來越多的文獻表明，在家庭結構中經歷多次轉變的兒童可能比在穩定的雙親家庭中長大的孩子在發育上表現得更差，甚至可能比在穩定的單親家庭中長大的孩子更糟糕。

For many kids, the first impulse is escape, but people who lurch toward the exit rarely choose the right door. This is how my aunt found herself married at sixteen to an abusive husband. It’s how my mom, the salutatorian of her high school class, had both a baby and a divorce, but not a single college credit under her belt before her teenage years were over. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Chaos begets chaos. Instability begets instability. Welcome to family life for the American hillbilly.

對於許多孩子來說，第一個衝動是逃跑，但蹣跚走向出口的人很少選擇正確的門。我的姨媽就是這樣發現自己在十六歲時嫁給了一個虐待她的丈夫。這就是我的媽媽，她高中班上的問候者，既生了孩子又離婚了，但在她十幾歲的時候，她沒有得到一個大學學分。從煎鍋中取出，放入火中。混沌導致混沌。不穩定導致不穩定。歡迎來到美國鄉巴佬的家庭生活。

For me, understanding my past and knowing that I wasn’t doomed gave me the hope and fortitude to deal with the demons of my youth. And though it’s cliché, the best medicine was talking about it with the people who understood. I asked Aunt Wee if she had similar relationship experiences, and she answered almost reflexively: “Of course. I was always ready for battle with Dan,” she told me. “Sometimes I’d even brace myself for a big argument—like physically put myself in a fighting position—before he stopped speaking.” I was shocked. Aunt Wee and Dan have the most successful marriage I’ve seen. Even after twenty years, they interact like they started dating last year. Her marriage got even better, she said, only after she realized that she didn’t have to be on guard all the time.

對我來說，瞭解我的過去，知道我不是註定要失敗的，這給了我希望和毅力來對付我年輕時的惡魔。雖然這是陳詞濫調，但最好的葯是與理解它的人談論它。我問黃阿姨她有沒有類似的戀愛經歷，她幾乎是條件反射地回答：“當然。我隨時準備與丹戰鬥，“她告訴我。“有時我甚至會為他停止說話之前做好大爭吵的準備——比如讓自己處於戰鬥狀態。”我很震驚。黃阿姨和丹的婚姻是我見過的最成功的婚姻。即使過了二十年，他們仍然像去年開始約會一樣互動。她說，她的婚姻變得更好了，只是因為她意識到自己不必一直保持警惕。

Lindsay told me the same. “When I fought with Kevin, I’d insult him and tell him to do what I knew he wanted to do anyway—leave. He’d always ask me, ‘What’s wrong with you? Why do you fight with me like I’m your enemy?’” The answer is that, in our home, it was often difficult to tell friend from foe. Sixteen years later, though, and Lindsay is still married.

琳賽也對我說了同樣的話。“當我和凱文吵架時，我會侮辱他，告訴他做我知道他想做的事情——離開。他總是問我，『你怎麼了？你為什麼和我打架，就像我是你的敵人一樣？答案是，在我們家裡，往往很難分辨敵友。然而，十六年後，琳賽仍然結婚了。

I thought a lot about myself, about the emotional triggers I’d learned over eighteen years of living at home. I realized that I mistrusted apologies, as they were often used to convince you to lower your guard. It was an “I’m sorry” that convinced me to take that fateful car ride with Mom more than a decade earlier. And I began to understand why I used words as weapons: That’s what everyone around me did; I did it to survive. Disagreements were war, and you played to win the game.

我想了很多關於我自己，關於我十八年在家生活所學到的情感觸發因素。我意識到我不信任道歉，因為它們經常被用來說服你放鬆警惕。正是一句“對不起”說服了我十多年前和媽媽一起乘坐那輛決定命運的汽車。我開始明白為什麼我用文字作為武器：我周圍的每個人都這樣做;我這樣做是為了生存。分歧是戰爭，而你是為了贏得比賽而玩的。

I didn’t unlearn these lessons overnight. I continue to struggle with conflict, to fight the statistical odds that sometimes seem to bear down on me. Sometimes it’s easier knowing that the statistics suggest I should be in jail or fathering my fourth illegitimate child. And sometimes it’s harder—conflict and family breakdown seem like the destiny I can’t possibly escape. In my worst moments, I convince myself that there is no exit, and no matter how much I fight old demons, they are as much an inheritance as my blue eyes and brown hair. The sad fact is that I couldn’t do it without Usha. Even at my best, I’m a delayed explosion—I can be defused, but only with skill and precision. It’s not just that I’ve learned to control myself but that Usha has learned how to manage me. Put two of me in the same home and you have a positively radioactive situation. It’s no surprise that every single person in my family who has built a successful home—Aunt Wee, Lindsay, my cousin Gail—married someone from outside our little culture.

我沒有在一夜之間忘記這些教訓。我繼續在衝突中掙扎，與有時似乎壓在我身上的統計賠率作鬥爭。有時，知道統計數據表明我應該入獄或生下我的第四個私生子會更容易。有時更難——衝突和家庭破裂似乎是我無法逃脫的命運。在我最糟糕的時刻，我說服自己沒有出口，無論我如何與老惡魔戰鬥，它們就像我的藍眼睛和棕色頭髮一樣是遺產。可悲的事實是，沒有烏莎，我做不到。即使在我最好的時候，我也是一個延遲的爆炸——我可以被化解，但只有技巧和精確度。這不僅是我學會了控制自己，而且烏莎也學會了如何管理我。把我兩個人放在同一個家裡，你就有了陽性放射性的情況。毫不奇怪，我家裡每一個成功建家的人——黃阿姨、琳賽、我的表弟蓋爾——都嫁給了我們這個小文化之外的人。

This realization shattered the narrative I told about my life. In my own head, I was better than my past. I was strong. I left town as soon as I could, served my country in the Marines, excelled at Ohio State, and made it to the country’s top law school. I had no demons, no character flaws, no problems. But that just wasn’t true. The things I wanted most in the entire world—a happy partner and a happy home—required constant mental focus. My self-image was bitterness masquerading as arrogance. A few weeks into my second year of law school, I hadn’t spoken to Mom in many months, longer than at any point in my life. I realized that of all the emotions I felt toward my mother—love, pity, forgiveness, anger, hatred, and dozens of others—I had never tried sympathy. I had never tried to understand my mom. At my most empathetic, I figured she suffered from some terrible genetic defect, and I hoped I hadn’t inherited it. As I increasingly saw Mom’s behavior in myself, I tried to understand her.

這種認識打破了我對自己生活的敘述。在我自己的腦海中，我比過去更好。我很堅強。我儘快離開了小鎮，在海軍陸戰隊為我的國家服務，在俄亥俄州立大學表現出色，並進入了美國頂尖的法學院。我沒有惡魔，沒有性格缺陷，沒有問題。但事實並非如此。我在這個世界上最想要的東西——一個快樂的伴侶和一個幸福的家——需要持續的精神集中。我的自我形象是偽裝成傲慢的苦澀。在我法學院第二年的幾個星期里，我已經好幾個月沒有和媽媽說話了，比我生命中的任何時候都要長。我意識到，在我對母親的所有情感中——愛、憐悯、寬恕、憤怒、仇恨和其他幾十種——我從未嘗試過同情。我從來沒有試圖理解我媽媽。在我最善解人意的時候，我認為她患有某種可怕的遺傳缺陷，我希望我沒有遺傳它。當我越來越多地看到媽媽的行為時，我試圖理解她。

Uncle Jimmy told me that, long ago, he’d walked in on a discussion between Mamaw and Papaw. Mom had gotten herself in some trouble and they needed to bail her out. These bailouts were common, and they always came with theoretical strings attached. She had to budget, they’d tell her, and they’d put her on some arbitrary plan they’d designed themselves. The plan was the cost of their help. As they sat and discussed things, Papaw buried his head in his hands and did something Uncle Jimmy had never seen him do: He wept. “I’ve failed her,” he cried. He kept on repeating, “I’ve failed her; I’ve failed her; I’ve failed my baby girl.”

吉米舅舅告訴我，很久以前，他走進了媽媽和爸爸之間的討論。媽媽給自己惹了麻煩，他們需要保釋她。這些救助很常見，而且總是附帶理論上的條件。她必須做預算，他們會告訴她，他們會讓她參加他們自己設計的一些任意計劃。這個計劃是他們幫助的代價。當他們坐下來討論事情時，爸爸把頭埋在手裡，做了一件吉米叔叔從未見過他做過的事情：他哭了。“我辜負了她，”他哭著說。他不停地重複，「我辜負了她;我辜負了她;我辜負了我的寶貝女兒。

Papaw’s rare breakdown strikes at the heart of an important question for hillbillies like me: How much of our lives, good and bad, should we credit to our personal decisions, and how much is just the inheritance of our culture, our families, and our parents who have failed their children? How much is Mom’s life her own fault? Where does blame stop and sympathy begin?

對於像我這樣的鄉巴佬來說，Papaw 罕見的崩潰觸及了一個重要問題的核心：我們的生活，無論好壞，我們有多少應該歸功於我們的個人決定，有多少只是我們的文化、我們的家庭和我們辜負了孩子的父母的遺產？媽媽的生活有多少是她自己的錯？責備從哪裡停止，同情從哪裡開始？

All of us have opinions. Uncle Jimmy reacts viscerally to the idea that any of the blame for Mom’s choices can be laid at Papaw’s feet. “He didn’t fail her. Whatever happened to her, it’s her own damned fault.” Aunt Wee sees things in much the same way, and who can blame her? Just nineteen months younger than Mom, she saw the worst of Mamaw and Papaw and made her own share of mistakes before coming out on the other side. If she can do it, then so should Mom. Lindsay has a bit more sympathy and thinks that just as our lives left us with demons, Mom’s life must have done the same to her. But at some point, Lindsay says, you have to stop making excuses and take responsibility.

我們每個人都有意見。吉米叔叔發自內心地認為，媽媽的選擇的任何責任都可以歸咎於爸爸的腳下。“他沒有讓她失望。無論她發生了什麼事，都是她自己該死的錯。黃阿姨看待事物的方式大致相同，誰能責怪她呢？她只比媽媽小十九個月，她看到了媽媽和爸爸最糟糕的一面，在走出來之前也犯了自己的錯誤。如果她能做到，那麼媽媽也應該做到。琳賽多了一點同情，認為就像我們的生活給我們留下了惡魔一樣，媽媽的生活也一定對她做了同樣的事情。但在某些時候，琳賽說，你必須停止找藉口並承擔責任。

My own view is mixed. Whatever might be said about my mom’s parents’ roles in my life, their constant fighting and alcoholism must have taken its toll on her. Even when they were children, the fighting seemed to affect my aunt and mother differently. While Aunt Wee would plead with her parents to calm down, or provoke her father in order to take the heat off her mother, Mom would hide, or run away, or collapse on the floor with her hands over her ears. She didn’t handle it as well as her brother and sister. In some ways, Mom is the Vance child who lost the game of statistics. If anything, my family is probably lucky that only one of them lost that game.

我自己的看法好壞參半。不管怎麼說我媽媽的父母在我生活中的角色，他們不斷的爭吵和酗酒一定對她造成了傷害。甚至在他們還是孩子的時候，戰鬥似乎對我的阿姨和母親產生了不同的影響。當黃阿姨懇求她的父母冷靜下來，或者激怒她的父親以減輕她母親的熱量時，媽媽會躲起來，或者逃跑，或者雙手捂住耳朵癱倒在地板上。她沒有像她的兄弟姐妹那樣處理得那麼好。在某種程度上，媽媽是輸掉統計遊戲的萬斯孩子。如果有的話，我的家人可能很幸運，他們中只有一個人輸掉了那場比賽。

What I do know is that Mom is no villain. She loves Lindsay and me. She tried desperately to be a good mother. Sometimes she succeeded; sometimes she didn’t. She tried to find happiness in love and work, but she listened too much to the wrong voice in her head. But Mom deserves much of the blame. No person’s childhood gives him or her a perpetual moral get-out-of-jail-free card—not Lindsay, not Aunt Wee, not me, and not Mom.

我所知道的是，媽媽不是惡棍。她愛琳賽和我。她拚命地想做一個好母親。有時她成功了;有時她沒有。她試圖在愛情和工作中尋找幸福，但她聽了太多腦海中錯誤的聲音。但媽媽應該受到很多責備。沒有人的童年會給他或她一張永遠的道德出獄卡——不是琳賽，不是黃阿姨，不是我，也不是媽媽。

Throughout my life, no one could inspire such intense emotions as my mom, not even Mamaw. When I was a kid, I loved her so much that when a kindergarten classmate made fun of her umbrella, I punched him in the face. When I watched her succumb again and again to addiction, I hated her and wished sometimes that she would take enough narcotics to rid me and Lindsay of her for good. When she lay sobbing in bed after another failed relationship, I felt a rage that could have driven me to kill.

在我的一生中，沒有人能像我媽媽那樣激發如此強烈的情感，甚至媽媽也不行。當我還是個孩子的時候，我非常愛她，以至於當一個幼兒園同學取笑她的雨傘時，我一拳打在他的臉上。當我看著她一次又一次地屈服於毒癮時，我討厭她，有時希望她能服用足夠的麻醉劑，讓我和琳賽永遠擺脫她。當她在另一段失敗的戀情後躺在床上抽泣時，我感到一種憤怒，可能會驅使我殺人。

Toward the end of law school, Lindsay called to tell me that Mom had taken to a new drug—heroin—and had decided to give rehab another try. I didn’t know how many times Mom had been to rehab, how many nights she’d spent in the hospital barely conscious because of some drug. So I shouldn’t have been surprised or all that bothered, but “heroin” just has a certain ring to it; it’s like the Kentucky Derby of drugs. When I learned of Mom’s newest substance of choice, I felt a cloud hanging over me for weeks. Maybe I had finally lost all hope for her.

法學院快要畢業時，琳賽打電話告訴我，媽媽服用了一種新藥——海洛因，並決定再試一次戒毒。我不知道媽媽去過多少次康復中心，有多少個晚上她因為某種藥物而在醫院裡幾乎失去知覺。所以我不應該感到驚訝或煩惱，但「海洛因」只是有一定的光環;這就像毒品的肯塔基賽馬會。當我得知媽媽最新選擇的物質時，我感到一陲笼罩著我好幾個星期。也許我終於對她失去了所有的希望。

The emotion Mom inspired then was not hatred, or love, or rage, but fear. Fear for her safety. Fear for Lindsay having to deal yet again with Mom’s problems while I lived hundreds of miles away. Fear most of all that I hadn’t escaped a goddamned thing. Months away from graduating from Yale Law, I should have felt on top of the world. Instead, I found myself wondering the same thing I’d wondered for much of the past year: whether people like us can ever truly change.

媽媽激發的情緒不是憎恨、愛或憤怒，而是恐懼。擔心她的安全。我擔心琳賽不得不再次處理媽媽的問題，而我住在幾百英里之外。最可怕的是我沒有逃脫一個該死的東西。距離耶魯大學法學院畢業還有幾個月的時間，我應該覺得自己站在了世界之巔。相反，我發現自己想知道過去一年大部分時間都在想的同樣的事情：像我們這樣的人是否真的能改變。

When Usha and I graduated, the crew that watched me walk across the stage numbered eighteen, including my cousins Denise and Gail, the daughters, respectively, of Mamaw’s brothers David and Pet. Usha’s parents and uncle—fantastic people, though considerably less rowdy than our crew—made the trip, too. It was the first time that her family met mine, and we behaved. (Though Denise had some choice words for the modern “art” at the museum we visited!)

當烏莎和我畢業時，看著我走過舞臺的工作人員有十八個人，包括我的表妹鄧尼斯和蓋爾，他們分別是媽媽的兄弟大衛和佩特的女兒。烏莎的父母和叔叔——很棒的人，雖然沒有我們的船員那麼吵鬧——也參加了這次旅行。這是她的家人第一次見到我的家人，我們表現得很乖巧。（儘管鄧尼斯在我們參觀的博物館里對現代“藝術”有一些選擇！

Mom’s bout with addiction ended as they always did—in an uneasy truce. She didn’t make the trip to see me graduate, but she wasn’t using drugs at that moment, and that was all right with me. Justice Sonya Sotomayor spoke at our commencement and advised that it was okay to be unsure about what we wanted to do with ourselves. I think she was talking about our careers, but for me it had a much broader meaning. I had learned much about law at Yale. But I’d also learned that this new world would always seem a bit foreign to me, and that being a hillbilly meant sometimes not knowing the difference between love and war. When we graduated, that’s what I was most unsure about.

媽媽與毒癮的對抗一如既往地結束了——在一個不安的休戰中。她沒有去看我畢業，但那一刻她沒有吸毒，這對我來說沒關係。索尼婭·索托馬約爾（Sonya Sotomayor）法官在我們的畢業典禮上發言，並建議不確定我們想對自己做什麼是可以的。我認為她是在談論我們的職業生涯，但對我來說，它有更廣泛的意義。我在耶魯大學學到了很多關於法律的知識。但我也瞭解到，這個新世界對我來說總是有點陌生，作為一個鄉巴佬意味著有時不知道愛情和戰爭之間的區別。當我們畢業時，這是我最不確定的事情。