西班牙文化之旅

Chapter 11

第11章

I arrived for orientation at Ohio State in early September 2007, and I couldn’t have been more excited. I remember every little detail about that day: lunch at Chipotle, the first time Lindsay had ever eaten there; the walk from the orientation building to the south campus house that would soon be my Columbus home; the beautiful weather. I met with a guidance counselor who talked me through my first college schedule, which put me in class only four days per week, never before nine thirty in the morning. After the Marine Corps and its five thirty A.M. wake-ups, I couldn’t believe my good fortune.

2007 年 9 月初，我來到俄亥俄州立大學參加迎新會，我非常興奮。我記得那天的每一個小細節：在Chipotle吃午飯，這是Lindsay第一次在那裡吃飯;從迎新大樓步行到南校區的房子，那裡很快就會成為我在哥倫布的家;美麗的天氣。我遇到了一位輔導員，他向我介紹了我的第一個大學時程表，這使我每周只上課四天，從來沒有在早上九點三十分之前上課。在海軍陸戰隊和它淩晨五點三十分醒來之後，我簡直不敢相信自己的好運氣。

Ohio State’s main campus in Columbus is about a hundred miles away from Middletown, meaning it was close enough for weekend visits to my family. For the first time in a few years, I could drop in on Middletown whenever I felt like it. And while Havelock (the North Carolina city closest to my Marine Corps base) was not too different from Middletown, Columbus felt like an urban paradise. It was (and remains) one of the fastest-growing cities in the country, powered in large part by the bustling university that was now my home. OSU grads were starting businesses, historic buildings were being converted into new restaurants and bars, and even the worst neighborhoods seemed to be undergoing significant revitalization. Not long after I moved to Columbus, one of my best friends began working as the promotions director for a local radio station, so I always knew what was happening around town and always had an in to the city’s best events, from local festivals to VIP seating for the annual fireworks show.

俄亥俄州立大學在哥倫布的主校區距離米德爾敦大約一百英里，這意味著它足夠接近週末探望我的家人。幾年來，我第一次可以隨時去米德爾敦。雖然哈夫洛克（北卡羅來納州離我的海軍陸戰隊基地最近的城市）與米德爾敦沒有太大區別，但哥倫布感覺就像一個城市天堂。它曾經是（現在仍然是）該國發展最快的城市之一，這在很大程度上是由現在我家的繁華大學推動的。俄勒岡州立大學的畢業生開始創業，歷史建築正在被改造成新的餐館和酒吧，即使是最糟糕的社區似乎也在經歷重大的振興。我搬到哥倫布后不久，我最好的朋友之一開始在當地一家廣播電臺擔任宣傳總監，所以我總是知道鎮上發生了什麼，並且總是瞭解這座城市最好的活動，從當地的節日到一年一度的煙花表演的貴賓座位。

In many ways, college was very familiar. I made a lot of new friends, but virtually all of them were from southwest Ohio. My six roommates included five graduates of Middletown High School and one graduate of Edgewood High School in nearby Trenton. They were a little younger (the Marine Corps had aged me past the age of the typical freshman), but I knew most of them from back home. My closest friends had already graduated or were about to, but many stayed in Columbus after graduation. Though I didn’t know it, I was witnessing a phenomenon that social scientists call “brain drain”—people who are able to leave struggling cities often do, and when they find a new home with educational and work opportunities, they stay there. Years later, I looked at my wedding party of six groomsmen and realized that every single one of them had, like me, grown up in a small Ohio town before leaving for Ohio State. To a man, all of them had found careers outside of their hometowns, and none of them had any interest in ever going back.

在許多方面，大學是非常熟悉的。我結交了很多新朋友，但幾乎所有人都來自俄亥俄州西南部。我的六個室友包括五名米德爾敦高中的畢業生和一名特倫頓附近埃奇伍德高中的畢業生。他們年紀小一點（海軍陸戰隊的年齡已經超過了典型的大一新生），但我從家鄉認識他們中的大多數人。我最親密的朋友已經畢業或即將畢業，但許多人畢業後留在了哥倫布。雖然我不知道，但我目睹了一種被社會科學家稱為“人才流失”的現象——能夠離開苦苦掙扎的城市的人經常會這樣做，當他們找到一個有教育和工作機會的新家時，他們就會留在那裡。多年後，我看著我的六位伴郎的婚禮派對，意識到他們每個人都像我一樣，在前往俄亥俄州立大學之前在俄亥俄州的一個小鎮上長大。對一個男人來說，他們都在家鄉以外的地方找到了工作，而且他們都沒有興趣回去。

By the time I started at Ohio State, the Marine Corps had instilled in me an incredible sense of invincibility. I’d go to classes, do my homework, study at the library, and make it home in time to drink well past midnight with my buddies, then wake up early to go running. My schedule was intense, but everything that had made me fear the independent college life when I was eighteen felt like a piece of cake now. I had puzzled through those financial aid forms with Mamaw a few years earlier, arguing about whether to list her or Mom as my “parent/guardian.” We had worried that unless I somehow obtained and submitted the financial information of Bob Hamel (my legal father), I’d be guilty of fraud. The whole experience had made both of us painfully aware of how unfamiliar we were with the outside world. I had nearly failed out of high school, earning Ds and Fs in English I. Now I paid my own bills and earned As in every class I took at my state’s flagship university. I felt completely in control of my destiny in a way that I never had before.

當我開始在俄亥俄州立大學工作時，海軍陸戰隊已經向我灌輸了一種不可思議的無敵感。我會去上課，做作業，在圖書館學習，然後及時回家和我的夥伴們一起喝酒，然後早起去跑步。我的日程安排很緊張，但十八歲時讓我害怕獨立大學生活的一切現在都感覺像是小菜一碟。幾年前，我和媽媽一起在那些經濟援助表格中感到困惑，爭論是否將她或媽媽列為我的“父母/監護人”。我們擔心，除非我以某種方式獲得並提交了鮑勃·哈默爾（我的合法父親）的財務信息，否則我會犯有欺詐罪。整個經歷讓我們倆都痛苦地意識到我們對外面的世界是多麼陌生。我差點從高中畢業，在英語I中獲得了D和F。現在，我支付了自己的帳單，並在我所在州的旗艦大學上的每一門課上都獲得了 A。我感覺自己完全掌控了自己的命運，這是我以前從未有過的。

I knew that Ohio State was put-up-or-shut-up time. I had left the Marine Corps not just with a sense that I could do what I wanted but also with the capacity to plan. I wanted to go to law school, and I knew that to go to the best law school, I’d need good grades and to ace the infamous Law School Admissions Test, or LSAT. There was much I didn’t know, of course. I couldn’t really explain why I wanted to go to law school besides the fact that in Middletown the “rich kids” were born to either doctors or lawyers, and I didn’t want to work with blood. I didn’t know how much else was out there, but the little knowledge I had at least gave me direction, and that was all I needed.

我知道俄亥俄州立大學是要麼關閉，要麼關閉的時候。我離開海軍陸戰隊時，不僅覺得自己可以做自己想做的事，而且還有計劃的能力。我想去法學院，我知道要去最好的法學院，我需要取得好成績，並在臭名昭著的法學院入學考試（LSAT）中取得好成績。當然，還有很多我不知道的。我真的無法解釋為什麼我想去法學院，除了在米德爾敦，“富家子弟”要麼是醫生，要麼是律師，我不想和血打交道。我不知道外面還有多少，但我所擁有的一點知識至少給了我方向，這就是我所需要的。

I loathed debt and the sense of limitation it imposed. Though the GI Bill paid for a significant chunk of my education, and Ohio State charged relatively little to an in-state resident, I still needed to cover about twenty thousand dollars of expenses on my own. I took a job at the Ohio Statehouse, working for a remarkably kind senator from the Cincinnati area named Bob Schuler. He was a good man, and I liked his politics, so when constituents called and complained, I tried to explain his positions. I watched lobbyists come and go and overheard the senator and his staff debate whether a particular bill was good for his constituents, good for his state, or good for both. Observing the political process from the inside made me appreciate it in a way that watching cable news never had. Mamaw had thought all politicians were crooks, but I learned that, no matter their politics, that was largely untrue at the Ohio Statehouse.

我討厭債務和它帶來的限制感。儘管《退伍軍人權利法案》支付了我很大一部分教育費用，而俄亥俄州立大學對州內居民收取的費用相對較低，但我仍然需要自己支付大約兩萬美元的費用。我在俄亥俄州議會大廈找到了一份工作，為辛辛那提地區一位名叫鮑勃·舒勒（Bob Schuler）的非常善良的參議員工作。他是個好人，我喜歡他的政治，所以當選民打電話抱怨時，我試圖解釋他的立場。我看到遊說者來來去去，無意中聽到參議員和他的工作人員辯論某項法案是否對他的選民有利，對他的州有利，或者對兩者都有好處。從內部觀察政治進程使我以一種觀看有線電視新聞從未有過的方式欣賞它。媽媽認為所有的政客都是騙子，但我瞭解到，無論他們的政治立場如何，這在俄亥俄州議會大廈基本上是不真實的。

After a few months at the Ohio Senate, as my bills piled up and I found fewer and fewer ways to make up the difference between my spending and my income (one can donate plasma only twice per week, I learned), I decided to get another job. One nonprofit advertised a part-time job that paid ten dollars an hour, but when I showed up for the interview in khakis, an ugly lime-green shirt, and Marine Corps combat boots (my only non-sneakers at the time) and saw the interviewer’s reaction, I knew that I was out of luck. I barely noticed the rejection email a week later. A local nonprofit did work for abused and neglected children, and they also paid ten dollars an hour, so I went to Target, bought a nicer shirt and a pair of black shoes, and came away with a job offer to be a “consultant.” I cared about their mission, and they were great people. I began work immediately.

在俄亥俄州參議院工作了幾個月後，隨著我的帳單堆積如山，我發現彌補支出和收入差額的方法越來越少（據我所知，一個人每周只能捐獻兩次血漿），我決定再找一份工作。一家非營利組織刊登了一份時薪十美元的兼職工作，但當我穿著卡其色、醜陋的石灰綠色襯衫和海軍陸戰隊戰鬥靴（當時我唯一不穿運動鞋）出現在面試現場時，看到面試官的反應，我知道我不走運了。一周后，我幾乎沒有注意到拒絕電子郵件。當地的一家非營利組織確實為受虐待和被忽視的兒童工作，他們也每小時支付十美元，所以我去了塔吉特，買了一件更好的襯衫和一雙黑色的鞋子，並得到了一份“顧問”的工作機會。我關心他們的使命，他們是偉大的人。我立即開始工作。

With two jobs and a full-time class load, my schedule intensified, but I didn’t mind. I didn’t realize there was anything unusual about my commitments until a professor emailed me about meeting after class to discuss a writing assignment. When I sent him my schedule, he was aghast. He sternly told me that I should focus on my education and not let work distractions stand in my way. I smiled, shook his hand, and said thanks, but I did not heed his advice. I liked staying up late to work on assignments, waking up early after only three or four hours of sleep, and patting myself on the back for being able to do it. After so many years of fearing my own future, of worrying that I’d end up like many of my neighbors or family—addicted to drugs or alcohol, in prison, or with kids I couldn’t or wouldn’t take care of—I felt an incredible momentum. I knew the statistics. I had read the brochures in the social worker’s office when I was a kid. I had recognized the look of pity from the hygienist at the low-income dental clinic. I wasn’t supposed to make it, but I was doing just fine on my own.

由於有兩份工作和全日制課程負擔，我的日程安排更加密集，但我並不介意。直到一位教授給我發了一封電子郵件，說我課後開會討論寫作作業，我才意識到我的承諾有什麼不尋常之處。當我把我的日程安排發給他時，他嚇了一跳。他嚴厲地告訴我，我應該專注於我的教育，不要讓工作分心阻礙我。我微笑著握了握他的手，說了聲謝謝，但我沒有聽從他的勸告。我喜歡熬夜做作業，只睡了三四個小時就早起，拍拍自己的背。經過這麼多年擔心自己的未來，擔心我最終會像我的許多鄰居或家人一樣——吸毒或酗酒，入獄，或者與我不能或不願照顧的孩子在一起——我感到了一種不可思議的動力。我知道統計數據。我小時候在社工辦公室讀過摺頁冊。我從低收入牙科診所的衛生員那裡認出了憐悯的眼神。我不應該成功，但我自己做得很好。

Did I take it too far? Absolutely. I didn’t sleep enough. I drank too much and ate Taco Bell at nearly every meal. A week into what I thought was just a really awful cold, a doctor told me that I had mono. I ignored him and kept on living as though NyQuil and DayQuil were magical elixirs. After a week of this, my urine turned a disgusting brown shade, and my temperature registered 103. I realized I might need to take care of myself, so I downed some Tylenol, drank a couple of beers, and went to sleep.

我是不是走得太遠了？絕對。我睡得不夠。我喝得太多了，幾乎每頓飯都吃塔可鐘。一周后，我以為只是一場非常可怕的感冒，一位醫生告訴我，我得了單聲道。我沒有理會他，繼續生活，就好像 NyQuil 和 DayQuil 是神奇的靈丹妙藥一樣。一個星期後，我的尿液變成了令人作嘔的棕色，我的體溫記錄了 103。我意識到我可能需要照顧好自己，所以我喝了一些泰諾，喝了幾杯啤酒，然後睡覺了。

When Mom found out what was happening, she drove to Columbus and took me to the emergency room. She wasn’t perfect, she wasn’t even a practicing nurse, but she took it as a point of pride to supervise every interaction we had with the health care system. She asked the right questions, got annoyed with doctors when they didn’t answer directly, and made sure I had what I needed. I spent two full days in the hospital as doctors emptied five bags of saline to rehydrate me and discovered that I had contracted a staph infection in addition to the mono, which explained why I grew so sick. The doctors released me to Mom, who wheeled me out of the hospital and took me home to recover.

當媽媽知道發生了什麼事時，她開車去了哥倫布，帶我去了急診室。她並不完美，她甚至不是一名執業護士，但她以監督我們與醫療保健系統的每一次互動為榮。她問了正確的問題，當醫生沒有直接回答時，她對他們感到惱火，並確保我有我需要的東西。我在醫院呆了整整兩天，醫生清空了五袋生理鹽水給我補充水分，發現除了單核糖衣法之外，我還感染了葡萄球菌感染，這解釋了為什麼我病得這麼重。醫生把我放到媽媽那裡，媽媽把我趕出醫院，帶我回家養病。

My illness lasted another few weeks, which, happily, coincided with the break between Ohio State’s spring and summer terms. When I was in Middletown, I split time between Aunt Wee’s and Mom’s; both of them cared for me and treated me like a son. It was my first real introduction to the competing emotional demands of Middletown in a post-Mamaw world: I didn’t want to hurt Mom’s feelings, but the past had created rifts that would likely never go away. I never confronted these demands head-on. I never explained to Mom that no matter how nice and caring she was at any given time—and while I had mono, she couldn’t have been a better mother—I just felt uncomfortable around her. To sleep in her house meant talking to husband number five, a kind man but a stranger who would never be anything to me but the future ex–Mr. Mom. It meant looking at her furniture and remembering the time I hid behind it during one of her fights with Bob. It meant trying to understand how Mom could be such a contradiction—a woman who sat patiently with me at the hospital for days and an addict who would lie to her family to extract money from them a month later.

我的病又持續了幾個星期，令人高興的是，這恰逢俄亥俄州立大學春季和夏季學期之間的休息時間。當我在米德爾敦時，我在黃阿姨和媽媽之間分配時間;他們倆都關心我，把我當兒子一樣對待。這是我第一次真正瞭解米德爾敦在後媽媽世界里相互競爭的情感需求：我不想傷害媽媽的感情，但過去造成了可能永遠不會消失的裂痕。我從未直面這些要求。我從來沒有向媽媽解釋過，無論她在任何時候多麼好，多麼有愛心——雖然我有單腑，但她不可能是一個更好的母親——我只是在她身邊感到不舒服。睡在她家裡意味著和五號丈夫說話，他是一個善良的人，但是一個陌生人，除了未來的前任媽媽先生，他永遠不會成為我。這意味著看著她的傢俱，想起在她和鮑勃的一次爭吵中我躲在傢具後面的那段時間。這意味著要試著理解媽媽怎麼會如此矛盾——一個在醫院耐心地陪我坐了好幾天的女人，一個吸毒者，一個月後會向家人撒謊，從他們那裡榨取錢財。

I knew that my increasingly close relationship with Aunt Wee hurt Mom’s feelings. She talked about it all the time. “I’m your mother, not her,” she’d repeat. To this day, I often wonder whether, if I’d had the courage as an adult that I’d had as a child, Mom might have gotten better. Addicts are at their weakest during emotionally trying times, and I knew that I had the power to save her from at least some bouts of sadness. But I couldn’t do it any longer. I didn’t know what had changed, but I wasn’t that person anymore. Perhaps it was nothing more than self-preservation. Regardless, I couldn’t pretend to feel at home with her.

我知道我和黃阿姨越來越親密的關係傷害了媽媽的感情。她一直在談論這件事。“我是你的母親，不是她，”她重複道。直到今天，我常常在想，如果我作為一個成年人有我小時候的勇氣，媽媽會不會變得更好。癮君子在情緒上最虛弱的時候，我知道我有能力將她從至少一些悲傷中拯救出來。但我不能再這樣做了。我不知道發生了什麼變化，但我不再是那個人了。也許這只不過是自我保護。無論如何，我不能假裝和她在一起有賓至如歸的感覺。

After a few weeks of mono, I felt well enough to return to Columbus and my classes. I’d lost a lot of weight—twenty pounds over four weeks—but otherwise felt pretty good. With the hospital bills piling up, I got a third job (as an SAT tutor at the Princeton Review), which paid an incredible eighteen dollars an hour. Three jobs were too much, so I dropped the job I loved the most—my work at the Ohio senate—because it paid the least. I needed money and the financial freedom it provided, not rewarding work. That, I told myself, would come later.

經過幾個星期的單聲道學習，我感覺很好，可以回到哥倫布和我的班級。我的體重減輕了很多——四個星期內減掉了二十磅——但其他方面感覺還不錯。隨著醫院帳單的堆積，我找到了第三份工作（在《普林斯頓評論》擔任SAT導師），時薪高達18美元。三份工作太多了，所以我放棄了我最喜歡的工作——我在俄亥俄州參議院的工作——因為它的薪水最低。我需要金錢和它提供的財務自由，而不是獎勵工作。我告訴自己，那以後會到來的。

Shortly before I left, the Ohio senate debated a measure that would significantly curb payday-lending practices. My senator opposed the bill (one of the few senators to do so), and though he never explained why, I liked to think that maybe he and I had something in common. The senators and policy staff debating the bill had little appreciation for the role of payday lenders in the shadow economy that people like me occupied. To them, payday lenders were predatory sharks, charging high interest rates on loans and exorbitant fees for cashed checks. The sooner they were snuffed out, the better.

在我離開前不久，俄亥俄州參議院就一項將大大遏制發薪日貸款做法的措施進行了辯論。我的參議員反對這項法案（他是為數不多的這樣做的參議員之一），雖然他從未解釋過原因，但我喜歡認為他和我也許有一些共同點。辯論該法案的參議員和政策工作人員對發薪日貸款人在像我這樣的人所處的影子經濟中的作用幾乎沒有什麼瞭解。對他們來說，發薪日貸款人是掠奪性的鯊魚，對貸款收取高利率，對兌現支票收取高昂的費用。他們越早被扼殺越好。

To me, payday lenders could solve important financial problems. My credit was awful, thanks to a host of terrible financial decisions (some of which weren’t my fault, many of which were), so credit cards weren’t a possibility. If I wanted to take a girl out to dinner or needed a book for school and didn’t have money in the bank, I didn’t have many options. (I probably could have asked my aunt or uncle, but I desperately wanted to do things on my own.) One Friday morning I dropped off my rent check, knowing that if I waited another day, the fifty-dollar late fee would kick in. I didn’t have enough money to cover the check, but I’d get paid that day and would be able to deposit the money after work. However, after a long day at the senate, I forgot to grab my paycheck before I left. By the time I realized the mistake, I was already home, and the Statehouse staff had left for the weekend. On that day, a three-day payday loan, with a few dollars of interest, enabled me to avoid a significant overdraft fee. The legislators debating the merits of payday lending didn’t mention situations like that. The lesson? Powerful people sometimes do things to help people like me without really understanding people like me.

對我來說，發薪日貸款人可以解決重要的財務問題。我的信用很糟糕，這要歸功於許多糟糕的財務決定（其中一些不是我的錯，其中許多是我的錯），所以信用卡是不可能的。如果我想帶一個女孩出去吃飯，或者需要一本書上學，但銀行里沒有錢，我沒有太多選擇。（我本可以問我的阿姨或叔叔，但我迫切地想自己做事。一個星期五的早上，我放下了房租支票，因為我知道如果我再等一天，五十美元的滯納金就會開始生效。我沒有足夠的錢來支付支票，但我那天會得到報酬，下班后可以把錢存入銀行。然而，在參議院度過了漫長的一天后，我忘了在離開前拿薪水。當我意識到這個錯誤時，我已經回家了，州議會大廈的工作人員已經離開了週末。那天，一筆為期三天的發薪日貸款，加上幾美元的利息，使我避免了一筆可觀的透支費。辯論發薪日貸款優點的立法者沒有提到這樣的情況。教訓是什麼？有權勢的人有時會做一些事情來説明像我這樣的人，而沒有真正理解像我這樣的人。

My second year of college started pretty much as my first year had, with a beautiful day and a lot of excitement. With the new job, I was a bit busier, but I didn’t mind the work. What I did mind was the gnawing feeling that, at twenty-four, I was a little too old to be a second-year college student. But with four years in the Marine Corps behind me, more separated me from the other students than age. During an undergraduate seminar in foreign policy, I listened as a nineteen-year-old classmate with a hideous beard spouted off about the Iraq war. He explained that those fighting the war were typically less intelligent than those (like him) who immediately went to college. It showed, he argued, in the wanton way soldiers butchered and disrespected Iraqi civilians. It was an objectively terrible opinion—my friends from the Marine Corps spanned the political spectrum and held nearly every conceivable opinion about the war. Many of my Marine Corps friends were staunch liberals who had no love for our commander in chief—then George W. Bush—and felt that we had sacrificed too much for too little gain. But none of them had ever uttered such unreflective tripe.

我大學二年級的開始和我的第一年差不多，有美好的一天，也有很多興奮。有了新工作，我有點忙，但我不介意工作。我介意的是那種痛苦的感覺，在二十四歲的時候，我有點太老了，不能成為一名二年級的大學生。但是，在我海軍陸戰隊的四年時間里，我與其他學生之間的差距比年齡更大。在一次外交政策本科生研討會上，我聽一位留著醜陋鬍子的19歲同學滔滔不絕地談論伊拉克戰爭。他解釋說，那些打仗的人通常不如那些立即上大學的人（像他一樣）聰明。他認為，這顯示了士兵肆無忌憚地屠殺和不尊重伊拉克平民的方式。客觀上，這是一個可怕的觀點——我在海軍陸戰隊的朋友跨越了政治光譜，對戰爭持有幾乎所有可以想像到的觀點。我的許多海軍陸戰隊朋友都是堅定的自由主義者，他們不愛我們的總司令——當時的喬治·W·布希——並認為我們犧牲了太多，但收穫太少。但是他們都沒有說過這樣不加反思的牛肚。

As the student prattled on, I thought about the never-ending training on how to respect Iraqi culture—never show anyone the bottom of your foot, never address a woman in traditional Muslim garb without first speaking to a male relative. I thought about the security we provided for Iraqi poll workers, and how we studiously explained the importance of their mission without ever pushing our own political views on them. I thought about listening to a young Iraqi (who couldn’t speak a word of English) flawlessly rap every single word of 50 Cent’s “In Da Club” and laughing along with him and his friends. I thought about my friends who were covered in third-degree burns, “lucky” to have survived an IED attack in the Al-Qaim region of Iraq. And here was this dipshit in a spotty beard telling our class that we murdered people for sport.

當學生喋喋不休地講著時，我想到了關於如何尊重伊拉克文化的永無止境的訓練——永遠不要向任何人展示你的腳底，永遠不要在沒有先與男性親戚交談的情況下對穿著傳統穆斯林服裝的女人說話。我想到了我們為伊拉克投票站工作人員提供的安全保障，以及我們如何認真地解釋他們使命的重要性，而從未將我們自己的政治觀點強加給他們。我想聽一個年輕的伊拉克人（他不會說一句英語）完美地說唱 50 Cent 的“In Da Club”的每一個字，然後和他和他的朋友們一起笑。我想到我的朋友們，他們渾身是三度燒傷，“幸運”地在伊拉克基地組織地區的簡易爆炸裝置襲擊中倖存下來。這是個鬍子不一的狗屎，告訴我們班，我們為了運動而殺人。

I felt an immediate drive to finish college as quickly as possible. I met with a guidance counselor and plotted my exit—I’d need to take classes during the summer and more than double the full-time course load during some terms. It was, even by my heightened standards, an intense year. During a particularly terrible February, I sat down with my calendar and counted the number of days since I’d slept more than four hours in a day. The tally was thirty-nine. But I continued, and in August 2009, after one year and eleven months at Ohio State, I graduated with a double major, summa cum laude. I tried to skip my graduation ceremony, but my family wouldn’t let me. So I sat in an uncomfortable chair for three hours before I walked across the podium and received my college diploma. When Gordon Gee, then president of the Ohio State University, paused for an unusually long photograph with the girl who stood in front of me in line, I extended my hand to his assistant, nonverbally asking for the diploma. She handed it to me, and I stepped behind Dr. Gee and down off the podium. I may have been the only graduating student that day to not shake his hand. On to the next one, I thought.

我立刻有一種動力要儘快完成大學學業。我與一位輔導員會面並計劃了我的退出計劃——我需要在暑假上課，在某些學期，全日制課程的負擔會增加一倍以上。即使按照我的高標準，這也是緊張的一年。在一個特別可怕的二月，我坐在日曆上，數著我一天睡超過四個小時的天數。總數是三十九。但我繼續前進，2009 年 8 月，在俄亥俄州立大學學習了一年零 11 個月後，我以優異的成績獲得了雙學位。我試圖跳過我的畢業典禮，但我的家人不允許我。於是，我在一張不舒服的椅子上坐了三個小時，然後才走上講臺，拿到了我的大學文憑。時任俄亥俄州立大學（Ohio State University）校長的戈登·吉（Gordon Gee）停下來與站在我前面排隊的女孩合影時，我向他的助手伸出手，非口頭地要求領取畢業證書。她把它遞給我，我走到Gee博士身後，走下講臺。我可能是那天唯一一個沒有和他握手的畢業生。接下來，我想。

I knew I’d go to law school later the next year (my August graduation precluded a 2009 start to law school), so I moved home to save money. Aunt Wee had taken Mamaw’s place as the family matriarch: She put out the fires, hosted family gatherings, and kept us all from breaking apart. She had always provided me with a home base after Mamaw’s death, but ten months seemed like an imposition; I didn’t like the idea of disrupting her family’s routine. But she insisted, “J.D., this is your home now. It’s the only place for you to stay.”

我知道我會在明年晚些時候去法學院（我八月的畢業使我無法在2009年開始上法學院），所以我搬回家省錢。黃阿姨接替了媽媽的位置，成為家裡的女族長：她撲滅了大火，主持了家庭聚會，並防止我們所有人分崩離析。在媽媽去世后，她一直為我提供一個大本營，但十個月似乎是強加的;我不喜歡打亂她家庭日常生活的想法。但她堅持說：“J.D.，這裡現在是你的家。這是你唯一住的地方。

Those last months living in Middletown were among the happiest of my life. I was finally a college graduate, and I knew that I’d soon accomplish another dream—going to law school. I worked odd jobs to save money and grew closer to my aunt’s two daughters. Every day I’d get home from work, dusty and sweaty from manual labor, and sit at the dinner table to hear my teenage cousins talk about their days at school and trials with friends. Sometimes I’d help with homework. On Fridays during Lent, I helped with the fish fries at the local Catholic church. That feeling I had in college—that I had survived decades of chaos and heartbreak and finally come out on the other side—deepened.

住在米德爾敦的最後幾個月是我一生中最快樂的時光之一。我終於大學畢業了，我知道我很快就會實現另一個夢想——上法學院。為了省錢，我打零工，和姑姑的兩個女兒越來越親近。每天我下班回家，體力勞動滿身灰塵，汗流浹背，坐在餐桌旁聽我十幾歲的表兄弟們談論他們在學校的日子和與朋友的考驗。有時我會幫忙做作業。在大齋節期間的星期五，我在當地天主教堂幫忙炸魚條。我在大學里的那種感覺——我在幾十年的混亂和心碎中倖存下來，終於從另一邊走出來——加深了。

The incredible optimism I felt about my own life contrasted starkly with the pessimism of so many of my neighbors. Years of decline in the blue-collar economy manifested themselves in the material prospects of Middletown’s residents. The Great Recession, and the not-great recovery that followed, had hastened Middletown’s downward trajectory. But there was something almost spiritual about the cynicism of the community at large, something that went much deeper than a short-term recession.

我對自己生活的難以置信的樂觀與許多鄰居的悲觀主義形成了鮮明的對比。藍領經濟多年的衰退體現在米德爾敦居民的物質前景上。大蕭條，以及隨之而來的不太好的復甦，加速了米德爾敦的下滑軌跡。但是，整個社區的憤世嫉俗幾乎是精神上的，這種東西比短期經濟衰退要深刻得多。

As a culture, we had no heroes. Certainly not any politician—Barack Obama was then the most admired man in America (and likely still is), but even when the country was enraptured by his rise, most Middletonians viewed him suspiciously. George W. Bush had few fans in 2008. Many loved Bill Clinton, but many more saw him as the symbol of American moral decay, and Ronald Reagan was long dead. We loved the military but had no George S. Patton figure in the modern army. I doubt my neighbors could even name a high-ranking military officer. The space program, long a source of pride, had gone the way of the dodo, and with it the celebrity astronauts. Nothing united us with the core fabric of American society. We felt trapped in two seemingly unwinnable wars, in which a disproportionate share of the fighters came from our neighborhood, and in an economy that failed to deliver the most basic promise of the American Dream—a steady wage.

作為一種文化，我們沒有英雄。當然不是任何政治家——奧巴馬當時是美國最受尊敬的人（可能現在仍然是），但即使這個國家為他的崛起而欣喜若狂，大多數米德爾頓人也對他持懷疑態度。喬治·W·布希（George W. Bush）在2008年幾乎沒有粉絲。許多人喜歡比爾·柯林頓，但更多的人認為他是美國道德淪喪的象徵，而羅納德·雷根早已去世。我們熱愛軍隊，但在現代軍隊中沒有喬治·巴頓（George S. Patton）的身影。我懷疑我的鄰居甚至能說出一位高級軍官的名字。太空計劃長期以來一直引以為豪，它已經走上了渡渡鳥的道路，隨之而來的是名人宇航員。沒有什麼能將我們與美國社會的核心結構聯繫在一起。我們感到被困在兩場看似無法取勝的戰爭中，其中不成比例的戰士來自我們的社區，以及未能兌現美國夢最基本承諾的經濟——穩定的工資。

To understand the significance of this cultural detachment, you must appreciate that much of my family’s, my neighborhood’s, and my community’s identity derives from our love of country. I couldn’t tell you a single thing about Breathitt County’s mayor, its health care services, or its famous residents. But I do know this: “Bloody Breathitt” allegedly earned its name because the county filled its World War I draft quota entirely with volunteers—the only county in the entire United States to do so. Nearly a century later, and that’s the factoid about Breathitt that I remember best: It’s the truth that everyone around me ensured I knew. I once interviewed Mamaw for a class project about World War II. After seventy years filled with marriage, children, grandchildren, death, poverty, and triumph, the thing about which Mamaw was unquestionably the proudest and most excited was that she and her family did their part during World War II. We spoke for minutes about everything else; we spoke for hours about war rations, Rosie the Riveter, her dad’s wartime love letters to her mother from the Pacific, and the day “we dropped the bomb.” Mamaw always had two gods: Jesus Christ and the United States of America. I was no different, and neither was anyone else I knew.

要理解這種文化分離的意義，你必須明白，我的家人、我的鄰居和我的社區的大部分身份都源於我們對國家的熱愛。我無法告訴你關於Breathitt縣的市長，它的醫療保健服務或它的著名居民的任何事情。但我確實知道這一點：「血腥呼吸」據稱之所以得名，是因為該縣完全用志願者填補了第一次世界大戰的徵兵配額——這是整個美國唯一一個這樣做的縣。將近一個世紀后，我記得最清楚的關於Breathitt的事實：這是我周圍的每個人都確保我知道的真相。我曾經為一個關於二戰的課堂項目採訪了媽媽。在經歷了婚姻、孩子、孫子、死亡、貧困和勝利的七十年之後，媽媽最自豪和最興奮的事情無疑是她和她的家人在二戰期間盡了自己的一份力量。我們談幾分鐘其他所有事情;我們聊了幾個小時，談論戰爭口糧、鉚工羅茜、她父親從太平洋寫給她母親的戰時情書，以及“我們投下炸彈”的那一天。媽媽總是有兩個神：耶穌基督和美國。我也不例外，我認識的其他人也不例外。

I’m the kind of patriot whom people on the Acela corridor laugh at. I choke up when I hear Lee Greenwood’s cheesy anthem “Proud to Be an American.” When I was sixteen, I vowed that every time I met a veteran, I would go out of my way to shake his or her hand, even if I had to awkwardly interject to do so. To this day, I refuse to watch Saving Private Ryan around anyone but my closest friends, because I can’t stop from crying during the final scene.

我是那種被Acela走廊上的人嘲笑的愛國者。當我聽到李·格林伍德（Lee Greenwood）的俗氣國歌“自豪地成為美國人”時，我哽咽了。十六歲時，我發誓每次見到退伍軍人時，我都會不遺餘力地與他或她握手，即使我不得不尷尬地插話。直到今天，除了我最親密的朋友之外，我拒絕在任何人身邊觀看《拯救大兵瑞恩》，因為在最後一幕中我無法停止哭泣。

Mamaw and Papaw taught me that we live in the best and greatest country on earth. This fact gave meaning to my childhood. Whenever times were tough—when I felt overwhelmed by the drama and the tumult of my youth—I knew that better days were ahead because I lived in a country that allowed me to make the good choices that others hadn’t. When I think today about my life and how genuinely incredible it is—a gorgeous, kind, brilliant life partner; the financial security that I dreamed about as a child; great friends and exciting new experiences—I feel overwhelming appreciation for these United States. I know it’s corny, but it’s the way I feel.

媽媽和爸爸告訴我，我們生活在地球上最好、最偉大的國家。這個事實賦予了我的童年以意義。每當艱難時期——當我被年輕時的戲劇和喧囂所淹沒時——我知道更好的日子就在前方，因為我生活在一個允許我做出別人沒有做出的正確選擇的國家。當我今天回想起我的生活，以及它是多麼令人難以置信——一個華麗、善良、輝煌的生活伴侶;我小時候夢寐以求的財務安全;好朋友和激動人心的新體驗——我對這些美國感到無比感激。我知道這很老套，但這就是我的感受。

If Mamaw’s second God was the United States of America, then many people in my community were losing something akin to a religion. The tie that bound them to their neighbors, that inspired them in the way my patriotism had always inspired me, had seemingly vanished.

如果媽媽的第二位神是美國，那麼我社區中的許多人正在失去一些類似於宗教的東西。將他們與鄰居聯繫在一起的紐帶，以我的愛國主義一直激勵我的方式激勵他們的紐帶，似乎已經消失了。

The symptoms are all around us. Significant percentages of white conservative voters—about one-third—believe that Barack Obama is a Muslim. In one poll, 32 percent of conservatives said that they believed Obama was foreign-born and another 19 percent said they were unsure—which means that a majority of white conservatives aren’t certain that Obama is even an American. I regularly hear from acquaintances or distant family members that Obama has ties to Islamic extremists, or is a traitor, or was born in some far-flung corner of the world.

癥狀無處不在。相當大比例的白人保守派選民 - 大约三分之一 - 認為奧巴馬是穆斯林。在一項民意調查中，32%的保守派人士表示他們認為奧巴馬是外國出生的，另有19%的人表示他們不確定 - 這意味著大多數白人保守派甚至不確定奧巴馬是美國人。我經常從熟人或遠方的家人那裡聽到奧巴馬與伊斯蘭極端分子有聯繫，或者是叛徒，或者出生在世界的某個偏遠角落。

Many of my new friends blame racism for this perception of the president. But the president feels like an alien to many Middletonians for reasons that have nothing to do with skin color. Recall that not a single one of my high school classmates attended an Ivy League school. Barack Obama attended two of them and excelled at both. He is brilliant, wealthy, and speaks like a constitutional law professor—which, of course, he is. Nothing about him bears any resemblance to the people I admired growing up: His accent—clean, perfect, neutral—is foreign; his credentials are so impressive that they’re frightening; he made his life in Chicago, a dense metropolis; and he conducts himself with a confidence that comes from knowing that the modern American meritocracy was built for him. Of course, Obama overcame adversity in his own right—adversity familiar to many of us—but that was long before any of us knew him.

我的許多新朋友將對總統的這種看法歸咎於種族主義。但總統對許多米德爾頓人來說就像一個陌生人，原因與膚色無關。回想一下，我的高中同學中沒有一個上過常春藤盟校。奧巴馬參加了其中的兩個，並在兩個方面都表現出色。他才華橫溢，富有，說話像個憲法學教授——當然，他確實是。他與我從小崇拜的人沒有任何相似之處：他的口音——乾淨、完美、中性——是外國的;他的資歷令人印象深刻，令人恐懼;他在芝加哥這個人口稠密的大都市生活;他以一種自信行事，這種自信來自於知道現代美國精英政治是為他建立的。當然，奧巴馬靠自己的能力克服了逆境——我們許多人都熟悉的逆境——但那是我們認識他之前很久的事了。

President Obama came on the scene right as so many people in my community began to believe that the modern American meritocracy was not built for them. We know we’re not doing well. We see it every day: in the obituaries for teenage kids that conspicuously omit the cause of death (reading between the lines: overdose), in the deadbeats we watch our daughters waste their time with. Barack Obama strikes at the heart of our deepest insecurities. He is a good father while many of us aren’t. He wears suits to his job while we wear overalls, if we’re lucky enough to have a job at all. His wife tells us that we shouldn’t be feeding our children certain foods, and we hate her for it—not because we think she’s wrong but because we know she’s right.

奧巴馬總統出現在當時，我社區中的許多人開始相信現代美國的精英政治不是為他們而建立的。我們知道我們做得不好。我們每天都能看到它：在十幾歲孩子的訃告中，明顯省略了死因（字裡行間讀：過量），在我們看著女兒浪費時間的死節拍中。奧巴馬擊中了我們最深的不安全感的核心。他是一個好父親，而我們中的許多人都不是。他穿西裝上班，而我們穿工作服，如果我們有幸找到工作的話。他的妻子告訴我們，我們不應該給孩子餵某些食物，我們因此討厭她——不是因為我們認為她錯了，而是因為我們知道她是對的。

Many try to blame the anger and cynicism of working-class whites on misinformation. Admittedly, there is an industry of conspiracy-mongers and fringe lunatics writing about all manner of idiocy, from Obama’s alleged religious leanings to his ancestry. But every major news organization, even the oft-maligned Fox News, has always told the truth about Obama’s citizenship status and religious views. The people I know are well aware of what the major news organizations have to say about the issue; they simply don’t believe them. Only 6 percent of American voters believe that the media is “very trustworthy.”²¹ To many of us, the free press—that bulwark of American democracy—is simply full of shit.

許多人試圖將工人階級白人的憤怒和憤世嫉俗歸咎於錯誤資訊。誠然，有一個陰謀論者和邊緣瘋子的行業，他們寫著各種各樣的白癡，從奧巴馬所謂的宗教傾向到他的祖先。但每個主要新聞機構，甚至是經常被誯謗的福克斯新聞，總是對奧巴馬的公民身份和宗教觀點說出真相。我認識的人都很清楚主要新聞機構對這個問題的看法;他們根本不相信他們。只有6%的美國選民認為媒體「非常值得信賴」。。²¹對我們許多人來說，新聞自由——美國民主的堡壘——簡直就是狗屎。

With little trust in the press, there’s no check on the Internet conspiracy theories that rule the digital world. Barack Obama is a foreign alien actively trying to destroy our country. Everything the media tells us is a lie. Many in the white working class believe the worst about their society. Here’s a small sample of emails or messages I’ve seen from friends or family:

由於對媒體的信任度不高，因此無法對統治數位世界的互聯網陰謀論進行檢查。奧巴馬是一個積極試圖摧毀我們國家的外國外國人。媒體告訴我們的一切都是謊言。白人工人階級中的許多人對他們的社會最壞的看法。以下是我從朋友或家人那裡看到的電子郵件或消息的一小部分範例：

        •  From right-wing radio talker Alex Jones on the ten-year anniversary of 9/11, a documentary about the “unanswered question” of the terrorist attacks, suggesting that the U.S. government played a role in the massacre of its own people.

• 右翼電臺談話者亞歷克斯·鐘斯（Alex Jones）在9/11事件十周年之際，拍攝了一部關於恐怖襲擊“懸而未決的問題”的紀錄片，暗示美國政府在屠殺本國人民的過程中發揮了作用。

        •  From an email chain, a story that the Obamacare legislation requires microchip implantation in new health care patients. This story carries extra bite because of the religious implications: Many believe that the End Times “mark of the beast” foretold in biblical prophecy will be an electronic device. Multiple friends warned others about this threat via social media.

• 從電子郵件鏈中，有一個故事稱歐巴馬醫改立法要求在新的醫療保健患者中植入微晶元。由於宗教含義，這個故事帶有額外的咬合力：許多人認為聖經預言中預言的末世“野獸的印記”將是一種電子設備。多位朋友通過社交媒體警告其他人注意這一威脅。

        •  From the popular website WorldNetDaily, an editorial suggesting that the Newtown gun massacre was engineered by the federal government to turn public opinion on gun control measures.

• 來自熱門網站WorldNetDaily的一篇社論表明，紐敦槍支大屠殺是由聯邦政府策劃的，目的是讓公眾輿論轉向槍支管制措施。

        •  From multiple Internet sources, suggestions that Obama will soon implement martial law in order to secure power for a third presidential term.

• 來自多個互聯網來源的建議是，奧巴馬將很快實施戒嚴令，以確保第三個總統任期的權力。

The list goes on. It’s impossible to know how many people believe one or many of these stories. But if a third of our community questions the president’s origin—despite all evidence to the contrary—it’s a good bet that the other conspiracies have broader currency than we’d like. This isn’t some libertarian mistrust of government policy, which is healthy in any democracy. This is deep skepticism of the very institutions of our society. And it’s becoming more and more mainstream.

這樣的例子不勝枚舉。不可能知道有多少人相信這些故事中的一個或多個。但是，如果我們社區三分之一的人質疑總統的出身——儘管所有證據都相反——那麼可以肯定的是，其他陰謀的影響力比我們想要的要廣泛。這不是自由意志主義者對政府政策的不信任，這在任何民主國家都是健康的。這是對我們社會制度的深刻懷疑。它正變得越來越主流。

We can’t trust the evening news. We can’t trust our politicians. Our universities, the gateway to a better life, are rigged against us. We can’t get jobs. You can’t believe these things and participate meaningfully in society. Social psychologists have shown that group belief is a powerful motivator in performance. When groups perceive that it’s in their interest to work hard and achieve things, members of that group outperform other similarly situated individuals. It’s obvious why: If you believe that hard work pays off, then you work hard; if you think it’s hard to get ahead even when you try, then why try at all?

我們不能相信晚間新聞。我們不能相信我們的政客。我們的大學是通往更美好生活的大門，卻縱著反對我們。我們找不到工作。你不能相信這些事情，也不能有意義地參與社會。社會心理學家已經表明，群體信念是績效的強大動力。當群體認為努力工作和取得成就符合他們的利益時，該群體的成員就會勝過其他處境相似的人。原因很明顯：如果你相信努力工作是有回報的，那麼你就會努力工作;如果你認為即使你努力也很難取得成功，那為什麼要嘗試呢？

Similarly, when people do fail, this mind-set allows them to look outward. I once ran into an old acquaintance at a Middletown bar who told me that he had recently quit his job because he was sick of waking up early. I later saw him complaining on Facebook about the “Obama economy” and how it had affected his life. I don’t doubt that the Obama economy has affected many, but this man is assuredly not among them. His status in life is directly attributable to the choices he’s made, and his life will improve only through better decisions. But for him to make better choices, he needs to live in an environment that forces him to ask tough questions about himself. There is a cultural movement in the white working class to blame problems on society or the government, and that movement gains adherents by the day.

同樣，當人們失敗時，這種心態使他們能夠向外看。我曾經在米德爾敦的一家酒吧遇到一位老熟人，他告訴我，他最近辭掉了工作，因為他厭倦了早起。後來我看到他在Facebook上抱怨“奧巴馬經濟”以及它如何影響他的生活。我不懷疑奧巴馬經濟影響了許多人，但這個人肯定不在其中。他在生活中的地位直接歸因於他所做的選擇，只有通過更好的決定，他的生活才會得到改善。但為了讓他做出更好的選擇，他需要生活在一個迫使他對自己提出尖銳問題的環境中。白人工人階級中有一場文化運動，將問題歸咎於社會或政府，而這種運動每天都在獲得追隨者。

Here is where the rhetoric of modern conservatives (and I say this as one of them) fails to meet the real challenges of their biggest constituents. Instead of encouraging engagement, conservatives increasingly foment the kind of detachment that has sapped the ambition of so many of my peers. I have watched some friends blossom into successful adults and others fall victim to the worst of Middletown’s temptations—premature parenthood, drugs, incarceration. What separates the successful from the unsuccessful are the expectations that they had for their own lives. Yet the message of the right is increasingly: It’s not your fault that you’re a loser; it’s the government’s fault.

這就是現代保守派的言論（我是其中之一）無法應對他們最大選民的真正挑戰的地方。保守派非但沒有鼓勵參與，反而越來越多地煽動那種超脫，這種超然已經削弱了我許多同齡人的雄心壯志。我看到一些朋友成長為成功的成年人，而另一些朋友則成為米德爾敦最糟糕的誘惑的受害者——早產兒、吸毒、監禁。成功者與失敗者的區別在於他們對自己生活的期望。然而，右翼的信息越來越多：你是失敗者不是你的錯;這是政府的錯。

My dad, for example, has never disparaged hard work, but he mistrusts some of the most obvious paths to upward mobility. When he found out that I had decided to go to Yale Law, he asked whether, on my applications, I had “pretended to be black or liberal.” This is how low the cultural expectations of working-class white Americans have fallen. We should hardly be surprised that as attitudes like this one spread, the number of people willing to work for a better life diminishes.

例如，我父親從不貶低努力工作，但他不信任一些最明顯的向上流動的途徑。當他得知我決定去耶魯大學法學院時，他問我是否在我的申請中“假裝是黑人還是自由派”。這就是美國工人階級白人的文化期望下降的程度。我們不應該感到驚訝的是，隨著這種態度的蔓延，願意為更好的生活而工作的人數減少了。

The Pew Economic Mobility Project studied how Americans evaluated their chances at economic betterment, and what they found was shocking. There is no group of Americans more pessimistic than working-class whites. Well over half of blacks, Latinos, and college-educated whites expect that their children will fare better economically than they have. Among working-class whites, only 44 percent share that expectation. Even more surprising, 42 percent of working-class whites—by far the highest number in the survey—report that their lives are less economically successful than those of their parents’.

皮尤經濟流動專案（Pew Economic Mobility Project）研究了美國人如何評估他們獲得經濟改善的機會，他們的發現令人震驚。沒有哪個美國人比工人階級的白人更悲觀。超過一半的黑人、拉丁裔和受過大學教育的白人預計他們的孩子在經濟上會比他們過得更好。在工薪階層的白人中，只有44%的人有這種期望。更令人驚訝的是，42%的工人階級白人（迄今為止調查中最高的數位）報告說，他們的生活在經濟上不如父母成功。

In 2010, that just wasn’t my mind-set. I was happy about where I was and overwhelmingly hopeful about the future. For the first time in my life, I felt like an outsider in Middletown. And what turned me into an alien was my optimism.

在2010年，這不是我的心態。我對自己所處的位置感到高興，對未來充滿希望。我有生以來第一次覺得自己像米德爾敦的局外人。把我變成外星人的是我的樂觀。