西班牙文化之旅

Chapter 10

第10章

During my last year of high school, I tried out for the varsity golf team. For about a year, I’d taken golf lessons from an old golf pro. The summer before senior year, I got a job at a local golf course so I could practice for free. Mamaw never showed any interest in sports, but she encouraged me to learn golf because “that’s where rich people do business.” Though wise in her own way, Mamaw knew little about the business habits of rich people, and I told her as much. “Shut up, you fucker,” she told me. “Everybody knows rich people love to golf.” But when I practiced my swing in the house (I didn’t use a ball, so the only damage I did was to the floor) she demanded that I stop ruining her carpet. “But, Mamaw,” I protested sarcastically, “if you don’t let me practice, I’ll never get to do any business on the golf course. I might as well drop out of high school now and get a job bagging groceries.” “You smart-ass. If I wasn’t crippled, I’d get up right now and smack your head and ass together.”

在我高中的最後一年，我參加了大學高爾夫球隊的試訓。在大約一年的時間里，我從一位老高爾夫職業選手那裡上了高爾夫課。大四前的那個夏天，我在當地的一個高爾夫球場找到了一份工作，這樣我就可以免費練習了。媽媽從來沒有對運動表現出任何興趣，但她鼓勵我學習打高爾夫，因為「那是有錢人做生意的地方」。儘管媽媽以自己的方式聰明，但她對有錢人經商的習慣知之甚少，我告訴了她很多。“閉嘴，你這個混蛋，”她對我說。“每個人都知道有錢人喜歡打高爾夫球。但是當我在家裡練習揮杆時（我沒有使用球，所以我造成的唯一傷害是地板），她要求我停止破壞她的地毯。“可是，媽媽，”我諷刺地抗議道，“如果你不讓我練習，我就永遠不能在高爾夫球場上做任何生意了。我還不如現在從高中輟學，找一份裝袋雜貨的工作。“你這個聰明的屁股。如果我沒有殘廢，我現在就會站起來，把你的頭和屁股一起打。

So she helped me pay for my lessons and asked her baby brother (my uncle Gary), the youngest of the Blanton boys, to find me some old clubs. He delivered a nice set of MacGregors, better than anything we could have afforded on our own, and I practiced as often as I could. By the time golf tryouts rolled around, I had mastered enough of a golf swing not to embarrass myself.

於是她幫我付了學費，還讓她的小弟弟（我的叔叔加里），布蘭頓家最小的男孩，給我找一些老俱樂部。他提供了一套漂亮的麥基嘉，比我們自己買得起的任何東西都要好，我盡可能多地練習。當高爾夫選拔賽開始的時候，我已經掌握了足夠多的高爾夫揮杆技巧，不會讓自己感到尷尬。

I didn’t make the team, though I did show enough improvement to justify practicing with my friends who had made the team, and that was all I really wanted. I learned that Mamaw was right: Golf was a rich person’s game. At the course where I worked, few of our customers came from Middletown’s working-class neighborhoods. On my first day of golf practice, I showed up in dress shoes, thinking that was what golf shoes were. When an enterprising young bully noticed before the first tee that I was wearing a pair of Kmart brown loafers, he proceeded to mock me mercilessly for the next four hours. I resisted the urge to bury my putter in his goddamned ear, remembering Mamaw’s sage advice to “act like you’ve been there.” (A note about hillbilly loyalty: Reminded of that story recently, Lindsay launched into a tirade about how much of a loser the kid was. The incident occurred thirteen years ago.)

我沒有進入團隊，儘管我確實表現出了足夠的進步，可以證明與組成團隊的朋友一起練習是合理的，這就是我真正想要的。我瞭解到媽媽是對的：高爾夫是有錢人的運動。在我工作的課程中，我們的客戶中很少有來自米德爾敦的工人階級社區。在我練習高爾夫的第一天，我穿著正裝鞋出現，以為這就是高爾夫球鞋。當一個有進取心的年輕惡霸在第一個發球臺前注意到我穿著一雙凱馬特棕色樂福鞋時，他在接下來的四個小時里毫不留情地嘲笑我。我忍住了把推桿埋在他該死的耳朵里的衝動，想起了媽媽的聖人建議，“表現得像你去過那裡一樣”。（關於鄉巴佬忠誠的說明：最近想起那個故事，琳賽開始長篇大論，說這個孩子是多麼的失敗者。這起事件發生在十三年前。

I knew in the back of my mind that decisions were coming about my future. All of my friends planned to go to college; that I had such motivated friends was due to Mamaw’s influence. By the time I was in seventh grade, many of my neighborhood friends were already smoking weed. Mamaw found out and forbade me to see any of them. I recognize that most kids ignore instructions like these, but most kids don’t receive them from the likes of Bonnie Vance. She promised that if she saw me in the presence of any person on the banned list, she would run him over with her car. “No one would ever find out,” she whispered menacingly.

我內心深處知道，關於我未來的決定即將到來。我所有的朋友都計劃上大學;我有這麼積極進取的朋友，是由於媽媽的影響。到我上七年級的時候，我的許多鄰居朋友已經在吸食大麻了。媽媽知道了，不准我去看他們。我認識到大多數孩子都忽略了這樣的指示，但大多數孩子不會從邦妮·萬斯（Bonnie Vance）等人那裡得到這些指示。她答應說，如果她看到我出現在禁賽名單上的任何人面前，她會用她的車碾過他。“沒有人會發現，”她威脅性地低聲說。

With my friends headed for college, I figured I’d do the same. I scored well enough on the SAT to overcome my earlier bad grades, and I knew that the only two schools I had any interest in attending—Ohio State and Miami University—would both accept me. A few months before I graduated, I had (admittedly, with little thought) settled on Ohio State. A large package arrived in the mail, filled with financial aid information from the university. There was talk of Pell Grants, subsidized loans, unsubsidized loans, scholarships, and something called “work-study.” It was all so exciting, if only Mamaw and I could figure out what it meant. We puzzled over the forms for hours before concluding that I could purchase a decent home in Middletown with the debt I’d incur to go to college. We hadn’t actually started the forms yet—that would require another herculean effort on another day.

隨著我的朋友去上大學，我想我也會這樣做。我在SAT考試中取得了足夠好的成績，克服了我之前的糟糕成績，我知道我唯一有興趣就讀的兩所學校——俄亥俄州立大學和邁阿密大學——都會接受我。在我畢業前幾個月，我（誠然，幾乎沒有考慮過）在俄亥俄州立大學定居。一個大包裹寄到了郵件中，裡面裝滿了來自大學的經濟援助資訊。有人談論佩爾助學金、補貼貸款、無補貼貸款、獎學金和所謂的「勤工儉學」。。這一切都太令人興奮了，要是媽媽和我能弄清楚這意味著什麼就好了。我們在表格上困惑了幾個小時，然後得出結論，我可以用上大學的債務在米德爾敦買一套像樣的房子。我們實際上還沒有開始表格——這需要在另一天再做一次艱巨的努力。

Excitement turned to apprehension, but I reminded myself that college was an investment in my future. “It’s the only damned thing worth spending money on right now,” Mamaw said. She was right, but as I worried less about the financial aid forms, I began to worry for another reason: I wasn’t ready. Not all investments are good investments. All of that debt, and for what? To get drunk all the time and earn terrible grades? Doing well in college required grit, and I had far too little of it.

興奮變成了憂慮，但我提醒自己，大學是對我未來的投資。“這是現在唯一值得花錢買的東西，”Mamaw說。她是對的，但隨著我對經濟援助表格的擔憂減少，我開始擔心另一個原因：我還沒有準備好。並非所有投資都是好的投資。所有這些債務，為了什麼？一直喝醉，成績不好？在大學里取得好成績需要勇氣，而我所擁有的太少了。

My high school record left much to be desired: dozens of absences and tardy arrivals, and no school activities to speak of. I was undoubtedly on an upward trajectory, but even toward the end of high school, C’s in easy classes revealed a kid unprepared for the rigors of advanced education. In Mamaw’s house, I was healing, yet as we combed through those financial aid papers, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had a long way to go.

我的高中成績還有很多不足之處：數十次缺勤和遲到，沒有任何學校活動可言。毫無疑問，我正處於上升的軌道上，但即使在高中畢業時，在輕鬆課程中的C也表明瞭一個對高等教育的嚴格要求毫無準備的孩子。在媽媽的家裡，我正在康復，但當我們梳理那些經濟援助檔時，我無法擺脫我還有很長的路要走的感覺。

Everything about the unstructured college experience terrified me—from feeding myself healthy food to paying my own bills. I’d never done any of those things. But I knew that I wanted more out of my life. I knew that I wanted to excel in college, get a good job, and give my family the things I’d never had. I just wasn’t ready to start that journey. That’s when my cousin Rachael—a Marine Corps veteran—advised that I consider the Corps: “They’ll whip your ass into shape.” Rachael was Uncle Jimmy’s oldest daughter, and thus the dean of our generation of grandchildren. All of us, even Lindsay, looked up to Rachael, so her advice carried enormous weight.

關於非結構化的大學經歷的一切都讓我感到恐懼——從給自己餵健康的食物到支付自己的帳單。我從來沒有做過這些事情。但我知道我想要從我的生活中得到更多。我知道我想在大學里出類拔萃，找到一份好工作，給我的家人提供我從未擁有過的東西。我只是還沒有準備好開始這段旅程。就在那時，我的表妹瑞秋（Rachael）——一名海軍陸戰隊退伍軍人——建議我考慮海軍陸戰隊：“他們會把你的屁股鞭打得成形。瑞秋是吉米叔叔的大女兒，因此也是我們這一代孫子孫女的院長。我們所有人，包括琳賽，都仰慕瑞秋，所以她的建議非常有分量。

The 9/11 attacks had occurred only a year earlier, during my junior year of high school; like any self-respecting hillbilly, I considered heading to the Middle East to kill terrorists. But the prospect of military service—the screaming drill instructors, the constant exercise, the separation from my family—frightened me. Until Rachael told me to talk to a recruiter—implicitly arguing that she thought I could handle it—joining the Marines seemed as plausible as flying to Mars. Now, just weeks before I owed a tuition deposit to Ohio State, I could think of nothing but the Marine Corps.

9/11襲擊發生在一年前，當時我上高中三年級;像任何有自尊心的鄉巴佬一樣，我考慮前往中東殺死恐怖分子。但服兵役的前景——尖叫的訓練教官、不斷的鍛煉、與家人的分離——讓我感到害怕。直到瑞秋讓我去找一個招聘人員談談——含蓄地爭辯說她認為我能應付——加入海軍陸戰隊似乎就像飛往火星一樣合理。現在，就在我欠俄亥俄州立大學學費押金的幾周前，除了海軍陸戰隊，我什麼也想不起來。

So one Saturday in late March, I walked into a military recruiter’s office and asked him about the Marine Corps. He didn’t try to sell me on anything. He told me I’d make very little money and I might even go to war. “But they’ll teach you about leadership, and they’ll turn you into a disciplined young man.” This piqued my interest, but the notion of J.D. the U.S. Marine still inspired disbelief. I was a pudgy, longhaired kid. When our gym teacher told us to run a mile, I’d walk at least half. I had never woken up before six A.M. And here was this organization promising that I’d rise regularly at five A.M. and run multiple miles per day.

因此，在三月下旬的一個星期六，我走進一個徵兵人員的辦公室，向他詢問了海軍陸戰隊的情況。他沒有試圖向我推銷任何東西。他告訴我，我賺的錢很少，我甚至可能會去打仗。“但他們會教你領導力，他們會把你變成一個有紀律的年輕人。這激起了我的興趣，但美國海軍陸戰隊J.D.的概念仍然激發了我的懷疑。我是一個矮胖的長髮孩子。當我們的體育老師告訴我們要跑一英里時，我至少會走一半。我從來沒有在早上六點之前醒來。這個組織承諾我會定期在早上五點起床，每天跑幾英里。

I went home and considered my options. I reminded myself that my country needed me, and that I’d always regret not participating in America’s newest war. I thought about the GI Bill and how it would help me trade indebtedness for financial freedom. I knew that, most of all, I had no other choice. There was college, or nothing, or the Marines, and I didn’t like either of the first two options. Four years in the Marines, I told myself, would help me become the person I wanted to be. But I didn’t want to leave home. Lindsay had just had her second kid, an adorable little girl, and was expecting a third, and my nephew was still a toddler. Lori’s kids were still babies, too. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to do it. And I knew that if I waited too long, I’d talk myself out of enlisting. So two weeks later, as the Iraq crisis turned into the Iraq war, I signed my name on a dotted line and promised the Marine Corps the first four years of my adult life.

我回到家，考慮了我的選擇。我提醒自己，我的國家需要我，我總是後悔沒有參加美國最新的戰爭。我想到了《退伍軍人權利法案》，以及它將如何説明我用債務換取財務自由。我知道，最重要的是，我別無選擇。有大學，或者什麼都沒有，或者海軍陸戰隊，我不喜歡前兩個選項中的任何一個。我告訴自己，在海軍陸戰隊服役的四年會幫助我成為我想成為的人。但我不想離開家。琳賽剛剛生了她的第二個孩子，一個可愛的小女孩，正在期待第三個孩子，而我的侄子還是個蹣跚學步的孩子。蘿莉的孩子也還是嬰兒。我越想越不想做。我知道，如果我等得太久，我會勸自己不要入伍。因此，兩周后，當伊拉克危機演變成伊拉克戰爭時，我在虛線上簽下了自己的名字，並向海軍陸戰隊承諾了我成年後的頭四年。

At first my family scoffed. The Marines weren’t for me, and people let me know it. Eventually, knowing I wouldn’t change my mind, everyone came around, and a few even seemed excited. Everyone, that is, save Mamaw. She tried every manner of persuasion: “You’re a fucking idiot; they’ll chew you up and spit you out.” “Who’s going to take care of me?” “You’re too stupid for the Marines.” “You’re too smart for the Marines.” “With everything that’s going on in the world, you’ll get your head blown off.” “Don’t you want to be around for Lindsay’s kids?” “I’m worried, and I don’t want you to go.” Though she came to accept the decision, she never liked it. Shortly before I left for boot camp, the recruiter visited to speak with my fragile grandmother. She met him outside, stood up as straight as she could, and glowered at him. “Set one foot on my fucking porch, and I’ll blow it off,” she advised. “I thought she might be serious,” he later told me. So they had their talk while he stood in the front yard.

起初，我的家人嗤之以鼻。海軍陸戰隊不適合我，人們讓我知道了。最終，知道我不會改變主意，每個人都圍了過來，有些人甚至看起來很興奮。每個人，也就是拯救媽媽。她嘗試了各種勸說方式：「你他媽的是個白癡;他們會把你嚼碎，然後把你吐出來。“誰來照顧我？”“你對海軍陸戰隊來說太愚蠢了。”“你對海軍陸戰隊來說太聰明瞭。”“面對世界上正在發生的一切，你會被炸掉腦袋的。”“你不想陪在琳賽的孩子身邊嗎？”“我很擔心，我不想讓你走。”雖然她接受了這個決定，但她從來不喜歡它。在我去新兵訓練營前不久，招聘人員拜訪了我虛弱的祖母。她在外面遇見了他，盡可能直起身子，瞪了他一眼。“一隻腳踩在我該死的門廊上，我會把它炸掉，”她建議道。“我以為她可能是認真的，”他後來告訴我。所以當他站在前院時，他們進行了交談。

My greatest fear when I left for boot camp wasn’t that I’d be killed in Iraq or that I’d fail to make the cut. I hardly worried about those things. But when Mom, Lindsay, and Aunt Wee drove me to the bus that would take me to the airport and on to boot camp from there, I imagined my life four years later. And I saw a world without my grandmother in it. Something inside me knew that she wouldn’t survive my time in the Marines. I’d never come home again, at least not permanently. Home was Middletown with Mamaw in it. And by the time I finished with the Marines, Mamaw would be gone.

當我去新兵訓練營時，我最大的恐懼不是我會在伊拉克被殺，也不是我沒能晉級。我幾乎不擔心這些事情。但是，當媽媽、琳賽和黃阿姨開車送我上車，把我帶到機場，然後從那裡去訓練營時，我想像著四年後的生活。我看到了一個沒有祖母的世界。我內心深處知道，她無法在我在海軍陸戰隊的時光中倖存下來。我再也不會回家了，至少不會永遠回家。家是米德爾敦，裡面有媽媽。當我完成海軍陸戰隊的任務時，媽媽已經走了。

Marine Corps boot camp lasts thirteen weeks, each with a new training focus. The night I arrived in Parris Island, South Carolina, an angry drill instructor greeted my group as we disembarked from the plane. He ordered us onto a bus; after a short trip, another drill instructor ordered us off the bus and onto the famed “yellow footprints.” Over the next six hours, I was poked and prodded by medical personnel, assigned equipment and uniforms, and lost all of my hair. We were allowed one phone call, so I naturally called Mamaw and read off of the card they gave me: “I have arrived safely at Parris Island. I will send my address soon. Goodbye.” “Wait, you little shithead. Are you okay?” “Sorry, Mamaw, can’t talk. But yes, I’m okay. I’ll write as soon as I can.” The drill instructor, overhearing my two extra lines of conversation, asked sarcastically whether I’d made enough time “for her to tell you a fucking story.” That was the first day.

海軍陸戰隊新兵訓練營持續十三周，每個訓練營都有新的訓練重點。我抵達南卡羅來納州帕裡斯島的那天晚上，當我們下飛機時，一位憤怒的演習教官向我的團隊打招呼。他命令我們上一輛公共汽車;經過短暫的旅行后，另一位訓練教練命令我們下車，進入著名的「黃色腳印」。。在接下來的六個小時里，我被醫務人員戳，分配了設備和制服，頭髮都掉了。我們被允許打一個電話，所以我很自然地打電話給媽媽，並讀出他們給我的卡片：“我已經安全抵達帕裡斯島。我會儘快發送我的位址。再見。“等等，你這個小屁孩。你還好嗎？“對不起，媽媽，不能說話。但是，是的，我沒事。我會儘快寫信。操練教官無意中聽到了我多說的兩句話，諷刺地問我是否有足夠的時間“讓她給你講一個他媽的故事”。那是第一天。

There are no phone calls in boot camp. I was allowed only one, to call Lindsay when her half brother died. I realized, through letters, how much my family loved me. While most other recruits—that’s what they called us; we had to earn the title “marine” by completing the rigors of boot camp—received a letter every day or two, I sometimes received a half dozen each night. Mamaw wrote every day, sometimes several times, offering extended thoughts on what was wrong with the world in some and few-sentence streams of consciousness in others. Most of all, Mamaw wanted to know how my days were going and reassure me. Recruiters told families that what most of us needed were words of encouragement, and Mamaw delivered that in spades. As I struggled with screaming drill instructors and physical fitness routines that pushed my out-of-shape body to its limits, I read every day that Mamaw was proud of me, that she loved me, and that she knew I wouldn’t give up. Thanks to either my wisdom or inherited hoarder tendencies, I managed to keep nearly every one of the letters I received from my family.

新兵訓練營中沒有電話。我只被允許在琳賽同父異母的哥哥去世時給她打電話。通過信件，我意識到我的家人是多麼愛我。雖然大多數其他新兵——他們就是這樣稱呼我們的;我們必須通過完成嚴格的新兵訓練營來獲得「海軍陸戰隊」的稱號——每隔一兩天就會收到一封信，有時我每晚都會收到六封信。嬤嬤每天都會寫作，有時甚至寫好幾遍，在一些作品中對世界出了什麼問題提出延伸的思考，而在另一些作品中則以幾句話的意識流提供思考。最重要的是，媽媽想知道我的日子過得怎麼樣，並讓我放心。招聘人員告訴家人，我們大多數人需要的是鼓勵的話語，而Mamaw毫不猶豫地做到了這一點。當我在尖叫的訓練教練和體能訓練中掙扎時，這些訓練將我走樣的身體推向了極限，我每天都讀到媽媽為我感到驕傲，她愛我，她知道我不會放棄。多虧了我的智慧或遺傳的囤積傾向，我設法保留了我從家人那裡收到的幾乎每一封信。

Many of them shed an interesting light on the home I left behind. A letter from Mom, asking me what I might need and telling me how proud she is of me. “I was babysitting [Lindsay’s kids],” she reports. “They played with slugs outside. They squeezed one and killed it. But I threw it away and told them they didn’t because Kam got a little upset, thinking he killed it.” This is Mom at her best: loving and funny, a woman who delighted in her grandchildren. In the same letter, a reference to Greg, likely a boyfriend who has since disappeared from my memory. And an insight into our sense of normalcy: “Mandy’s husband Terry,” she starts, referencing a friend of hers, “was arrested on a probation violation and sent to prison. So they are all doing OK.”

他們中的許多人為我留下的家提供了有趣的啟示。媽媽的一封信，問我可能需要什麼，並告訴我她為我感到驕傲。“我正在照看[琳賽的孩子]，”她報告說。“他們在外面玩蛞蝓。他們擠了一個並殺死了它。但我把它扔掉了，並告訴他們他們沒有，因為卡姆有點不高興，以為是他殺了它。這是媽媽最好的一面：充滿愛心和風趣，一個喜歡孫子孫女的女人。在同一封信中，提到了格雷格，很可能是一個從我的記憶中消失的男朋友。以及對我們常態感的洞察：「曼迪的丈夫特裡，」她開始提到她的一個朋友，「因違反緩刑而被捕並被送進監獄。所以他們都做得很好。

Lindsay also wrote often, sending multiple letters in the same envelope, each on a different-colored piece of paper, with instructions on the back—“Read this one second; this is the last one.” Every single letter contained some reference to her kids. I learned of my oldest niece’s successful potty training; my nephew’s soccer matches; my younger niece’s early smiles and first efforts to reach for things. After a lifetime of shared triumphs and tragedies, we both adored her kids more than anything else. Almost all of the letters I sent home asked her to “kiss the babies and tell them that I love them.”

琳賽也經常寫信，在同一個信封里寄出多封信，每封信都寫在一張不同顏色的紙上，背面有說明——“讀一秒鐘;這是最後一個。每一封信都提到了她的孩子。我聽說我的大侄女成功地進行了如廁訓練;我侄子的足球比賽;我小侄女早起的笑容和第一次伸手去拿東西。在經歷了一生的勝利和悲劇之後，我們都愛她的孩子勝過一切。我寄回家的幾乎所有信件都要求她“親吻嬰兒，告訴他們我愛他們”。

Cut off for the first time from home and family, I learned a lot about myself and my culture. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the military is not a landing spot for low-income kids with no other options. The sixty-nine members of my boot camp platoon included black, white, and Hispanic kids; rich kids from upstate New York and poor kids from West Virginia; Catholics, Jews, Protestants, and even a few atheists.

第一次與家庭和家人隔絕，我學到了很多關於自己和我的文化的知識。與傳統觀點相反，軍隊不是沒有其他選擇的低收入兒童的著陸點。我的新兵訓練營排的六十九名成員包括黑人、白人和西班牙裔孩子;來自紐約州北部的富家子弟和來自西佛吉尼亞州的窮家子弟;天主教徒、猶太人、新教徒，甚至一些無神論者。

I was naturally drawn to those like me. “The person I talk to most,” I wrote to my family in my first letter home, “is from Leslie County, Kentucky. He talks like he’s from Jackson. I was telling him how much bullshit it was that Catholics got all the free time they did. They get it because of the way the church schedule works. He is definitely a country kid, ’cause he said, ‘What’s a Catholic?’ And I told him that it was just another form of Christianity, and he said, ‘I might have to try that out.’” Mamaw understood precisely where he came from. “Down in that part of Kentucky, everybody’s a snake handler,” she wrote back, only partially joking.

我自然而然地被像我這樣的人所吸引。“我最常交談的人，”我在給家人的第一封信中寫道，“來自肯塔基州的萊斯利縣。他說話就像他來自傑克遜一樣。我告訴他，天主教徒得到了他們所做的所有空閒時間，這是多麼胡說八道。他們之所以得到它，是因為教會日程安排的運作方式。他絕對是一個鄉下孩子，因為他說，『什麼是天主教徒？我告訴他，這隻是基督教的另一種形式，他說，『我可能得試一試。媽媽確切地知道他來自哪裡。“在肯塔基州的那個地方，每個人都是馴蛇師，”她回信說，只是半開玩笑。

During my time away, Mamaw showed vulnerability that I’d never seen before. Whenever she received a letter from me, she would call my aunt or sister, demanding that someone come to her house immediately and interpret my chicken scratch. “I love you a big bunch and I miss you a bunch I forget you aren’t here I think you will come down the stairs and I can holler at you it is just a feeling you aren’t really gone. My hands hurt today that arthritis I guess. . . . I’ll go for now write more later love you please take care.” Mamaw’s letters never contained the necessary punctuation and always included some articles, usually from Reader’s Digest, to occupy my time.

在我離開的那段時間里，媽媽表現出了我從未見過的脆弱。每當她收到我的信時，她都會打電話給我的阿姨或姐姐，要求有人立即到她家來解釋我的雞抓。“我非常愛你，我很想念你，我忘了你不在這裡，我想你會從樓梯上下來，我可以對你大喊大叫，這隻是一種感覺，你並沒有真正離開。我的手今天很痛，我猜是關節炎。我現在去，以後再寫，愛你，請保重。媽媽的信中從不包含必要的標點符號，總是包括一些文章，通常來自《讀者文摘》，以佔用我的時間。

She could still be classic Mamaw: mean and ferociously loyal. About a month into my training, I had a nasty exchange with a drill instructor, who took me aside for a half hour, forcing me to alternate jumping jacks, sit-ups, and short sprints until I was completely exhausted. It was par for the course in boot camp, something nearly everyone faced at one point or another. If anything, I was lucky to have avoided it for so long. “Dearest J.D.,” Mamaw wrote when she learned of the incident, “I must say I have been waiting for them dick face bastards to start on you—and now they have. Words aren’t invented to describe how they piss me off. . . . You just keep on doing the best you can do and keep thinking about this stupid asshole with an IQ of 2 thinking he is Bobby bad ass but he wears girls underwear. I hate all of them.” When I read that outburst, I figured Mamaw had gotten it all off her chest. But the next day, she had more to say: “Hello sweet heart all I can think about is them dicks screaming at you that is my job not them fuckers. Just kidding I know you will be what ever you want to be because you are smart something they aren’t and they know it I hate them all really hate their guts. Screaming is part of the game they play . . . you carry on as best you can you will come out ahead.” I had the meanest old hillbilly staunchly in my corner, even if she was hundreds of miles away.

她仍然可以是典型的媽媽：刻薄而兇猛的忠誠。在我訓練大約一個月後，我和一位訓練教練發生了令人討厭的交流，他把我帶到一邊半個小時，強迫我交替跳千斤頂、仰臥起坐和短距離衝刺，直到我完全筋疲力盡。這在新兵訓練營中是正常的，幾乎每個人都在某個時候遇到過這種情況。如果有的話，我很幸運能避免它這麼久。“最親愛的J.D.，”媽媽在得知這件事後寫道，“我必須說，我一直在等他們這些雞巴臉的混蛋開始對你下手——現在他們已經這樣做了。詞語不是為了形容它們如何惹惱我而發明的。你只是繼續盡你所能，繼續想著這個智商為 2 的愚蠢混蛋，認為他是鮑比壞蛋，但他穿著女孩內衣。我討厭他們所有人。當我讀到那次爆發時，我以為媽媽已經把一切都從她的胸膛里拿走了。但第二天，她還有更多話要說：“你好，親愛的，我所能想到的就是他們雞巴對你尖叫，那是我的工作，而不是他們混蛋。開個玩笑，我知道你會成為你想成為的人，因為你很聰明，他們不是，他們知道，我討厭他們，真的很討厭他們的膽量。尖叫是他們玩的遊戲的一部分。你盡你所能地堅持下去，你會走在前面。我有一個最卑鄙的老鄉巴佬堅定地站在我的角落裡，即使她遠在幾百英里之外。

In boot camp, mealtime is a marvel of efficiency. You walk through a cafeteria line, holding your tray for the service staff. They drop all of the day’s offerings on your plate, both because you’re afraid to speak up about your least favorite items and because you’re so hungry that you’d gladly eat a dead horse. You sit down, and without looking at your plate (that would be unprofessional) or moving your head (that would also be unprofessional), you shovel food into your mouth until you’re told to stop. The entire process takes no longer than eight minutes, and if you’re not quite full by the end, you certainly suffer from indigestion (which feels about the same).

在新兵訓練營中，用餐時間是效率的奇跡。你走過自助餐廳的隊伍，拿著你的托盤給服務人員。他們把一天里所有的供品都放在你的盤子里，既因為你害怕說出你最不喜歡的食物，也是因為你太餓了，你很樂意吃一匹死馬。你坐下來，不看你的盤子（那不專業）或移動你的頭（那也是不專業的），你把食物鏟進嘴裏，直到你被告知停下來。整個過程不超過八分鐘，如果你到最後還沒有完全吃飽，你肯定會消化不良（感覺差不多）。

The only discretionary part of the exercise is dessert, set aside on small plates at the end of the assembly line. During the first meal of boot camp, I grabbed the offered piece of cake and marched to my seat. If nothing else tastes good, I thought, this cake shall certainly be the exception. Then my drill instructor, a skinny white man with a Tennessee twang, stepped in front of me. He looked me up and down with his small, intense eyes and offered a query: “You really need that cake, don’t you, fat-ass?” I prepared to answer, but the question was apparently rhetorical, as he smacked the cake out of my hands and moved on to his next victim. I never grabbed the cake again.

練習中唯一可自由支配的部分是甜點，放在裝配線末端的小盤子上。在新兵訓練營的第一頓飯中，我抓起提供的一塊蛋糕，走向我的座位。我想，如果沒有別的好吃的，這個蛋糕肯定是例外。然後我的訓練教練，一個瘦小的白人，留著田納西州的長髮，走到我面前。他用他那雙小而強烈的眼睛上下打量著我，問道：“你真的需要那個蛋糕，不是嗎，胖屁股？”我準備回答，但這個問題顯然是反問，因為他從我手中搶走了蛋糕，然後轉向他的下一個受害者。我再也沒有抓住蛋糕。

There was an important lesson here, but not one about food or self-control or nutrition. If you’d told me that I’d react to such an insult by cleaning up the cake and heading back to my seat, I’d never have believed you. The trials of my youth instilled a debilitating self-doubt. Instead of congratulating myself on having overcome some obstacles, I worried that I’d be overcome by the next ones. Marine Corps boot camp, with its barrage of challenges big and small, began to teach me I had underestimated myself.

這裡有一個重要的教訓，但不是關於食物、自我控制或營養的教訓。如果你告訴我，我會對這種侮辱做出反應，把蛋糕清理乾淨，然後回到座位上，我永遠不會相信你。我年輕時的考驗灌輸了一種令人衰弱的自我懷疑。我沒有祝賀自己克服了一些障礙，而是擔心自己會被下一個障礙所克服。海軍陸戰隊新兵訓練營，伴隨著大大小小的挑戰，開始教會我低估了自己。

Marine Corps boot camp is set up as a life-defining challenge. From the day you arrive, no one calls you by your first name. You’re not allowed to say “I” because you’re taught to mistrust your own individuality. Every question begins with “This recruit”—This recruit needs to use the head (the bathroom); This recruit needs to visit the corpsman (the doctor). The few idiots who arrive at boot camp with Marine Corps tattoos are mercilessly berated. At every turn, recruits are reminded that they are worthless until they finish boot camp and earn the title “marine.” Our platoon started with eighty-three, and by the time we finished, sixty-nine remained. Those who dropped out—mostly for medical reasons—served to reinforce the worthiness of the challenge.

海軍陸戰隊新兵訓練營的設立是一項決定人生的挑戰。從你到達的那天起，沒有人直呼你的名字。你不被允許說“我”，因為你被教導要不信任自己的個性。每個問題都以「這個新兵」開頭——這個新兵需要使用頭部（浴室）;這個新兵需要去看軍人（醫生）。少數帶著海軍陸戰隊紋身到達新兵訓練營的白癡被無情地斥責。在每一個轉捩點上，新兵都會被提醒，在他們完成新兵訓練營並獲得“海軍陸戰隊”頭銜之前，他們一文不值。我們的排開始時有八十三人，到我們結束時，還剩下六十九人。那些輟學的人——主要是因為醫療原因——有助於加強挑戰的價值。

Every time the drill instructor screamed at me and I stood proudly; every time I thought I’d fall behind during a run and kept up; every time I learned to do something I thought impossible, like climb the rope, I came a little closer to believing in myself. Psychologists call it “learned helplessness” when a person believes, as I did during my youth, that the choices I made had no effect on the outcomes in my life. From Middletown’s world of small expectations to the constant chaos of our home, life had taught me that I had no control. Mamaw and Papaw had saved me from succumbing entirely to that notion, and the Marine Corps broke new ground. If I had learned helplessness at home, the Marines were teaching learned willfulness.

每次演習教練對我大喊大叫時，我都驕傲地站著;每次我以為自己在跑步中會落後並跟上;每當我學會做一些我認為不可能的事情，比如爬繩子時，我就會更接近相信自己。心理學家稱之為“習得性無助”，當一個人相信，就像我年輕時所做的那樣，我所做的選擇對我的生活結果沒有影響。從米德爾敦的渺小期望世界到我們家不斷的混亂，生活教會了我無法控制。媽媽和爸爸使我免於完全屈服於這種觀念，海軍陸戰隊開闢了新天地。如果我在家裡學會了無助，那麼海軍陸戰隊正在教我習得的任性。

The day I graduated from boot camp was the proudest of my life. An entire crew of hillbillies showed up for my graduation—eighteen in total—including Mamaw, sitting in a wheelchair, buried underneath a few blankets, looking frailer than I remembered. I showed everyone around base, feeling like I had just won the lottery, and when I was released for a ten-day leave the next day, we caravanned back to Middletown.

我從新兵訓練營畢業的那一天是我一生中最自豪的一天。一大群鄉巴佬參加了我的畢業典禮——總共有十八個人——包括坐在輪椅上的媽媽，埋在幾條毯子下面，看起來比我記得的還要虛弱。我帶大家參觀了基地，感覺自己剛剛中了彩票，第二天我被釋放了十天的假期，我們大篷車回到了米德爾敦。

On my first day home from boot camp, I walked into the barbershop of my grandfather’s old friend. Marines have to keep their hair short, and I didn’t want to slack just because no one was watching. For the first time, the corner barber—a dying breed even though I didn’t know it at the time—greeted me as an adult. I sat in his chair, told some dirty jokes (most of which I’d learned only weeks earlier), and shared some boot camp stories. When he was about my age, he was drafted into the army to fight in Korea, so we traded some barbs about the Army and the Marines. After the haircut, he refused to take my money and told me to stay safe. He’d cut my hair before, and I’d walked by his shop nearly every day for eighteen years. Yet it was the first time he’d ever shaken my hand and treated me as an equal.

從新兵訓練營回家的第一天，我走進了祖父老朋友的理髮店。海軍陸戰隊員必須留短髮，我不想因為沒人看而懈怠。街角的理髮師——一個垂死的品種，儘管我當時並不知道——第一次向我打招呼。我坐在他的椅子上，講了一些骯髒的笑話（其中大部分是我幾周前才學會的），並分享了一些新兵訓練營的故事。當他和我差不多大的時候，他被徵召入伍去北韓作戰，所以我們交換了一些關於陸軍和海軍陸戰隊的倒鉤。理髮后，他拒絕收我的錢，並告訴我要注意安全。他以前給我剪過頭髮，十八年來我幾乎每天都路過他的店。然而，這是他第一次和我握手，平等地對待我。

I had a lot of those experiences shortly after boot camp. In those first days as a marine—all spent in Middletown—every interaction was a revelation. I’d shed forty-five pounds, so many of the people I knew barely recognized me. My friend Nate—who would later serve as one of my groomsmen—did a double take when I extended my hand at a local mall. Perhaps I carried myself a little differently. My old hometown seemed to think so.

新兵訓練營結束后不久，我就有很多這樣的經歷。在作為海軍陸戰隊員的最初幾天里——一切都在米德爾敦度過——每一次互動都是一種啟示。我減掉了四十五磅，我認識的很多人都幾乎認不出我來了。我的朋友內特（Nate）——後來成為我的伴郎之一——在當地一家商場伸出手時，做了兩次。也許我對自己的態度有點不同。我的老家似乎是這麼認為的。

The new perspective went both ways. Many of the foods that I ate once now violated the fitness standards of a marine. In Mamaw’s house, everything was fried—chicken, pickles, tomatoes. That bologna sandwich on toast with crumbled potato chips as topping no longer appeared healthy. Blackberry cobbler, once considered as healthy as any dish built around fruit (blackberries) and grains (flour), lost its luster. I began asking questions I’d never asked before: Is there added sugar? Does this meat have a lot of saturated fat? How much salt? It was just food, but I was already realizing that I’d never look at Middletown the same way again. In a few short months, the Marine Corps had already changed my perspective.

新的觀點是雙向的。我曾經吃過的許多食物現在都違反了海軍陸戰隊員的健身標準。在媽媽的家裡，所有東西都是油炸的——雞肉、泡菜、西紅柿。烤麵包上的博洛尼亞三明治配碎薯片作為澆頭似乎不再健康。黑莓鞋匠，曾經被認為與任何圍繞水果（黑莓）和穀物（麵粉）製作的菜餚一樣健康，現在已經失去了光澤。我開始問以前從未問過的問題：有加糖嗎？這種肉含有大量飽和脂肪嗎？鹽量是多少？那只是食物，但我已經意識到我再也不會以同樣的方式看待米德爾敦了。在短短幾個月內，海軍陸戰隊已經改變了我的觀點。

I soon left home for a permanent assignment in the Marine Corps, and life at home continued on apace. I tried to return as often as I could, and with long weekends and generous Marine Corps leave, I usually saw my family every few months. The kids looked a bit bigger every time I saw them, and Mom moved in with Mamaw not long after I left for boot camp, though she didn’t plan to stay. Mamaw’s health seemed to improve: She was walking better and even putting on a bit of weight. Lindsay and Aunt Wee, as well as their families, were healthy and happy. My greatest fear before I left was that some tragedy would befall my family while I was away, and I’d be unable to help. Luckily, that wasn’t happening.

我很快就離開了家，在海軍陸戰隊擔任長期任務，家裡的生活繼續快速發展。我試著盡可能多地回去，在漫長的週末和慷慨的海軍陸戰隊假期中，我通常每隔幾個月就會見到我的家人。每次我看到孩子們時，他們看起來都大了一點，在我去訓練營后不久，媽媽就搬來和媽媽住在一起，儘管她不打算留下來。媽媽的健康情況似乎有所改善：她走路好多了，甚至體重也增加了一點。Lindsay和Wee阿姨，以及他們的家人，都很健康快樂。在我離開之前，我最大的恐懼是，當我離開時，一些悲劇會降臨到我的家人身上，而我將無能為力。幸運的是，這並沒有發生。

In January 2005, I learned that my unit would head to Iraq a few months later. I was both excited and nervous. Mamaw fell silent when I called to tell her. After a few uncomfortable seconds of dead air, she said only that she hoped the war would end before I had to leave. Though we spoke on the phone every few days, we never spoke of Iraq, even as winter turned to spring and everyone knew I’d be leaving for war that summer. I could tell that Mamaw didn’t want to talk or think about it, and I obliged.

2005年1月，我得知我的部隊將在幾個月後前往伊拉克。我既興奮又緊張。當我打電話告訴她時，媽媽沉默了。在令人不舒服的幾秒鐘的死氣沉沉之後，她只說她希望戰爭能在我不得不離開之前結束。雖然我們每隔幾天就通一次電話，但我們從未談及伊拉克，即使冬去春來，每個人都知道那年夏天我要去打仗。我看得出來，媽媽不想說話，也不想去想這件事，我就答應了。

Mamaw was old, frail, and sick. I no longer lived with her, and I was preparing to go fight a war. Though her health had improved somewhat since I’d left for the Marines, she still took a dozen medications and made quarterly trips to the hospital for various ailments. When AK Steel—which provided health care for Mamaw as Papaw’s widow—announced that they were increasing her premiums, Mamaw simply couldn’t afford them. She barely survived as it was, and she needed three hundred dollars extra per month. She told me as much one day, and I immediately volunteered to cover the costs. She had never accepted anything from me—not money from my paycheck at Dillman’s; not a share of my boot camp earnings. But she accepted my three hundred a month, and that’s how I knew she was desperate.

媽媽年老體弱，病恹恹的。我不再和她住在一起，我正準備去打仗。雖然自從我去海軍陸戰隊后，她的健康情況有所改善，但她仍然服用了十幾種藥物，並每季度去醫院治療各種疾病。當AK Steel（為爸爸的遺孀Mamaw提供醫療保健）宣布他們正在增加她的保費時，Mamaw根本負擔不起。她勉強活了下來，每個月需要多三百美元。有一天，她告訴我這麼多，我立即自願承擔費用。她從來沒有接受過我的任何東西——不是我在迪爾曼的薪水里的錢;不是我新兵訓練營收入的一部分。但她每個月都收了我的三百塊錢，我才知道她很絕望。

I didn’t make a lot of money myself—probably a thousand dollars a month after taxes, though the Marines gave me a place to stay and food to eat, so that money went far. I also made extra money playing online poker. Poker was in my blood—I’d played with pennies and dimes with Papaw and my great-uncles as far back as I could remember—and the online poker craze at the time made it basically free money. I played ten hours a week on small-stakes tables, earning four hundred dollars a month. I had planned to save that money, but instead I gave it to Mamaw for her health insurance. Mamaw, naturally, worried that I had picked up a gambling habit and was playing cards in some mountain trailer with a bunch of card-sharking hillbillies, but I assured her that it was online and legitimate. “Well, you know I don’t understand the fucking Internet. Just don’t turn to booze and women. That’s always what happens to dipshits who get caught up in gambling.”

我自己賺的錢不多——稅後一個月大概有一千美元，儘管海軍陸戰隊給了我一個住處和食物吃，所以錢花得很遠。我還通過在線撲克賺了額外的錢。撲克是我的血液——從我記事起，我就和Papaw和我的叔叔們一起玩過一分錢一分貨——當時的在線撲克熱潮使它基本上是免費的。我每周在小賭注賭桌上玩十個小時，每月賺四百美元。我本來打算把這筆錢存起來，但我卻把它給了媽媽，作為她的健康保險。媽媽自然擔心我養成了賭博的習慣，和一群打牌的鄉巴佬在山上的拖車裡打牌，但我向她保證這是在線的，是合法的。“嗯，你知道我他媽的不懂互聯網。只是不要轉向酒和女人。這總是發生在陷入賭博的傻瓜身上。

Mamaw and I both loved the movie Terminator 2. We probably watched it together five or six times. Mamaw saw Arnold Schwarzenegger as the embodiment of the American Dream: a strong, capable immigrant coming out on top. But I saw the movie as a sort of metaphor for my own life. Mamaw was my keeper, my protector, and, if need be, my own goddamned terminator. No matter what life threw at me, I’d be okay because she was there to protect me.

媽媽和我都喜歡電影《終結者2》。我們大概一起看了五六遍。媽媽將阿諾德·施瓦辛格視為美國夢的化身：一個堅強、有能力的移民脫穎而出。但我把這部電影看作是我自己生活的一種隱喻。媽媽是我的守護者，我的保護者，如果需要的話，也是我自己該死的終結者。無論生活給我帶來什麼，我都會沒事的，因為她在那裡保護我。

Paying for her health insurance made me feel, for the first time in my life, like I was the protector. It gave me a sense of satisfaction that I’d never imagined—and how could I? I’d never had the money to help people before the Marines. When I came home, I was able to take Mom out to lunch, get ice cream for the kids, and buy nice Christmas presents for Lindsay. On one of my trips home, Mamaw and I took Lindsay’s two oldest kids on a trip to Hocking Hills State Park, a beautiful region of Appalachian Ohio, to meet up with Aunt Wee and Dan. I drove the whole way, I paid for gas, and I bought everyone dinner (admittedly at Wendy’s). I felt like such a man, a real grown-up. To laugh and joke with the people I loved most as they scarfed down the meal that I’d provided gave me a feeling of joy and accomplishment that words can’t possibly describe.

支付她的健康保險讓我有生以來第一次覺得自己是保護者。它給了我一種我從未想像過的滿足感——我怎麼能呢？在海軍陸戰隊之前，我從來沒有錢幫助別人。當我回到家時，我可以帶媽媽出去吃午飯，為孩子們買霜淇淋，併為琳賽買漂亮的聖誕禮物。在我回家的一次旅行中，媽媽和我帶著琳賽的兩個大孩子去了俄亥俄州阿巴拉契亞州美麗的霍金山州立公園，與黃阿姨和丹見面。我一路開車，付了汽油費，還給大家買了晚餐（誠然是在溫迪家）。我覺得自己像個男人，一個真正的成年人。和我最愛的人一起笑，開玩笑，因為他們圍著我提供的飯菜，給了我一種無法用言語形容的快樂和成就感。

For my entire life, I had oscillated between fear at my worst moments and a sense of safety and stability at my best. I was either being chased by the bad terminator or protected by the good one. But I had never felt empowered—never believed that I had the ability and the responsibility to care for those I loved. Mamaw could preach about responsibility and hard work, about making something of myself and not making excuses. No pep talk or speech could show me how it felt to transition from seeking shelter to providing it. I had to learn that for myself, and once I did, there was no going back.

在我的一生中，我一直在最糟糕的時刻的恐懼和最好的安全感和穩定感之間搖擺不定。我要麼被壞終結者追趕，要麼被好終結者保護。但我從未感到自己被賦予了力量——從不相信我有能力和責任去照顧我所愛的人。媽媽可以宣揚責任和努力工作，宣揚自己做一些事情，而不是找藉口。沒有任何鼓舞人心的談話或演講可以向我展示從尋求庇護所過渡到提供庇護所的感覺。我必須自己學習，一旦我學會了，就沒有回頭路了。

Mamaw’s seventy-second birthday was in April 2005. Just a couple of weeks before then, I stood in the waiting room of a Walmart Supercenter as car technicians changed my oil. I called Mamaw on the cell phone that I paid for myself, and she told me about babysitting Lindsay’s kids that day. “Meghan is so damned cute,” she told me. “I told her to shit in the pot, and for three hours she just kept on saying ‘shit in the pot, shit in the pot, shit in the pot’ over and over again. I told her she had to stop or I’d get in trouble, but she never did.” I laughed, told Mamaw that I loved her, and let her know that her monthly three-hundred-dollar check was on the way. “J.D., thank you for helping me. I’m very proud of you, and I love you.”

2005年4月是媽媽的72歲生日。就在那之前幾周，我站在沃爾瑪超市的候車室里，汽車技術人員正在為我換油。我用我自己掏錢的手機給媽媽打了電話，她告訴我那天要照看琳賽的孩子。“梅根真是太可愛了，”她告訴我。“我告訴她在鍋里拉，三個小時她只是一遍又一遍地說'鍋里的，鍋里的，鍋里的'。我告訴她她必須停下來，否則我會惹上麻煩，但她從來沒有這樣做。我笑了，告訴媽媽我愛她，並告訴她她每月三百美元的支票即將到來。“J.D.，謝謝你説明我。我為你感到驕傲，我愛你。

Two days later I awoke on a Sunday morning to a call from my sister, who said that Mamaw’s lung had collapsed, that she was lying in the hospital in a coma, and that I should come home as quickly as possible. Two hours later, I was on the road. I packed my dress blue uniform, just in case I needed it for a funeral. On the way, a West Virginia police officer pulled me over for going ninety-four miles an hour on I–77. He asked why I was in such a hurry, and when I explained, he told me that the highway was clear of speed traps for the next seventy miles, after which I’d cross into Ohio, and that I should go as fast as I wanted until then. I took my warning ticket, thanked him profusely, and drove 102 until I crossed the state line. I made the thirteen-hour trip in just under eleven hours.

兩天后，在一個星期天的早晨，我醒來接到姐姐的電話，她說媽媽的肺塌陷了，她躺在醫院昏迷，我應該儘快回家。兩個小時后，我上路了。我收拾了我的藍色制服，以防萬一我需要它參加葬禮。在路上，西佛吉尼亞州的一名員警把我攔了下來，因為我在I-77公路上以每小時94英里的速度行駛。他問我為什麼這麼著急，當我解釋時，他告訴我，在接下來的七十英里里，高速公路上沒有速度陷阱，之後我將進入俄亥俄州，在那之前，我應該以我想要的速度行駛。我拿著警告罰單，向他表示感謝，然後開了102路，直到我越過了州界。我在不到 11 個小時的時間里完成了 13 個小時的旅行。

When I arrived at Middletown Regional Hospital at eleven in the evening, my entire family was gathered around Mamaw’s bed. She was unresponsive, and though her lung had been reinflated, the infection that had caused it to collapse showed no signs of responding to treatment. Until that happened, the doctor told us, it would be torture to wake her—if she could be awakened at all.

當我晚上十一點到達米德爾敦地區醫院時，我們全家人都聚集在媽媽的床邊。她沒有反應，雖然她的肺已經重新充氣，但導致肺部塌陷的感染對治療沒有反應的跡象。在那之前，醫生告訴我們，如果她能被喚醒，喚醒她將是一種折磨。

We waited a few days for signs that the infection was surrendering to the medication. But the signs showed the opposite: Her white blood cell count continued to rise, and some of her organs showed evidence of severe stress. Her doctor explained that she had no realistic chance of living without a ventilator and feeding tube. We all conferred and decided that if, after a day, Mamaw’s white blood cell count increased further, we would pull the plug. Legally, it was Aunt Wee’s sole decision, and I’ll never forget when she tearfully asked whether I thought she was making a mistake. To this day, I’m convinced that she—and we—made the right decision. I guess it’s impossible to know for sure. I wished at the time that we had a doctor in the family.

我們等了幾天，才等到感染向藥物投降的跡象。但跡象卻恰恰相反：她的白細胞計數繼續上升，她的一些器官顯示出嚴重壓力的證據。她的醫生解釋說，沒有呼吸機和餵食管，她就沒有現實的機會。我們都商量並決定，如果一天后，媽媽的白細胞計數進一步增加，我們就會拔掉插頭。從法律上講，這是黃阿姨的唯一決定，我永遠不會忘記她含淚問我是否認為她犯了錯誤。直到今天，我都相信她和我們做出了正確的決定。我想不可能確定。我當時希望我們家裡有一位醫生。

The doctor told us that without the ventilator Mamaw would die within fifteen minutes, an hour at most. She lasted instead for three hours, fighting to the very last minute. Everyone was present—Uncle Jimmy, Mom, and Aunt Wee; Lindsay, Kevin, and I—and we gathered around her bed, taking turns whispering in her ear and hoping that she heard us. As her heart rate dropped and we realized that her time drew near, I opened a Gideon’s Bible to a random passage and began to read. It was First Corinthians, Chapter 13, Verse 12: “For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” A few minutes later, she was dead.

醫生告訴我們，如果沒有呼吸機，媽媽會在十五分鐘內死亡，最多一個小時。相反，她堅持了三個小時，戰鬥到最後一刻。每個人都在場——吉米叔叔、媽媽和黃阿姨;琳賽、凱文和我——我們圍在她的床邊，輪流在她耳邊竊竊私語，希望她能聽到我們的聲音。當她的心率下降時，我們意識到她的時間快到了，我隨機打開一本基甸聖經，開始閱讀。這是哥林多前書，第13章，第12節：「現在我們透過玻璃，黑暗地看;但後來面對面：現在我知道了一部分;但那時我就知道，就像我被知道一樣。幾分鐘后，她死了。

I didn’t cry when Mamaw died, and I didn’t cry for days thereafter. Aunt Wee and Lindsay grew frustrated with me, then worried: You’re just so stoic, they said. You need to grieve like the rest of us or you’ll burst.

媽媽死的時候我沒有哭，之後好幾天我都沒有哭。黃阿姨和林賽對我感到沮喪，然後擔心：他們說，你太堅忍了。你需要像我們其他人一樣悲傷，否則你會崩潰。

I was grieving in my own way, but I sensed that our entire family was on the verge of collapse, and I wanted to give the impression of emotional strength. We all knew how Mom had reacted to Papaw’s death, but Mamaw’s death created new pressures: It was time to wind down the estate, figure out Mamaw’s debts, dispose of her property, and disburse what remained. For the first time, Uncle Jimmy learned Mom’s true financial impact on Mamaw—the drug rehab charges, the numerous “loans” never repaid. To this day, he refuses to speak to her.

我以自己的方式悲傷，但我感覺到我們整個家庭都處於崩潰的邊緣，我想給人一種情感力量的印象。我們都知道媽媽對爸爸的死有何反應，但媽媽的死創造了新的壓力：現在是時候結束遺產，弄清楚媽媽的債務，處理她的財產，並支付剩餘的。吉米舅舅第一次知道了媽媽對媽媽的真正經濟影響——戒毒費用，無數的“貸款”從未償還。直到今天，他都拒絕和她說話。

For those of us well acquainted with Mamaw’s generosity, her financial position came as no surprise. Though Papaw had worked and saved for over four decades, the only thing of value that remained was the house he and Mamaw had purchased fifty years earlier. And Mamaw’s debts were large enough to eat into a substantial portion of the home’s equity. Lucky for us, this was 2005—the height of the real estate bubble. If she had died in 2008, Mamaw’s estate likely would have been bankrupt.

對於我們這些熟悉媽媽慷慨的人來說，她的財務狀況並不令人驚訝。雖然爸爸已經工作了四十多年，攢了四十多年的錢，但唯一有價值的東西是他和媽媽五十年前買的房子。媽媽的債務大到足以蠶食房屋凈值的很大一部分。幸運的是，這是2005年——房地產泡沫的高峰期。如果她在2008年去世，媽媽的遺產很可能已經破產了。

In her will, Mamaw divided what remained between her three kids, with a twist: Mom’s share was divided evenly between me and Lindsay. This undoubtedly contributed to Mom’s inevitable emotional outburst. I was so caught up in the financial aspects of Mamaw’s death and spending time with relatives I hadn’t seen in months that I didn’t realize Mom was slowly descending to the same place she’d traveled after Papaw’s death. But it’s hard to miss a freight train barreling down on you, so I noticed soon enough.

在她的遺囑中，媽媽將剩下的錢分給了她的三個孩子，但有一個轉折：媽媽的份額在我和琳賽之間平均分配。這無疑促成了媽媽不可避免的情緒爆發。我太沉迷於媽媽去世的財務方面，以及與幾個月未見的親戚共度時光，以至於我沒有意識到媽媽正在慢慢下降到爸爸去世后她旅行過的地方。但是很難錯過一列貨運列車向你駛來，所以我很快就注意到了。

Like Papaw, Mamaw wanted a visitation in Middletown so that all of her friends from Ohio could gather and pay their respects. Like Papaw, she wanted a second visitation and funeral back home in Jackson, at Deaton’s. After her funeral, the convoy departed for Keck, a holler not far from where Mamaw was born that housed our family’s cemetery. In family lore, Keck held an even higher place of honor than Mamaw’s birthplace. Her own mother—our beloved Mamaw Blanton—was born in Keck, and Mamaw Blanton’s younger sister—Aunt Bonnie, nearly ninety herself—owned a beautiful log cabin on the same property. A short hike up the mountain from that log cabin is a relatively flat plot of land that serves as the final resting place for Papaw and Mamaw Blanton and a host of relatives, some born in the nineteenth century. That’s where our convoy was headed, through the narrow mountain roads, to deliver Mamaw to the family who’d crossed over before her.

像爸爸一樣，媽媽想去米德爾敦探望，這樣她所有來自俄亥俄州的朋友都可以聚集在一起表達他們的敬意。像爸爸一樣，她想在傑克遜的家中進行第二次探視和葬禮，在迪頓的家中。在她的葬禮結束后，車隊出發前往凱克，離媽媽出生的地方不遠，那裡是我們家的墓地。在家族傳說中，凱克擁有比媽媽的出生地更高的榮譽地位。她自己的母親——我們敬愛的布蘭頓媽媽——出生在凱克，而布蘭頓媽媽的妹妹——邦妮阿姨，她自己也快九十歲了——在同一處房產上擁有一座美麗的小木屋。從那間小木屋徒步上山一小段路程，就是一塊相對平坦的土地，這裡是爸爸和媽媽布蘭頓以及許多親戚的最後安息之地，其中一些親戚出生於十九世紀。這就是我們車隊要去的地方，穿過狹窄的山路，把媽媽送到比她先過的一家人那裡。

I’ve made that drive with a funeral convoy probably half a dozen times, and every turn reveals a landscape that inspires some memory of fonder times. It’s impossible to sit in the car for the twenty-minute trip and not trade stories about the departed, all of which start out “Do you remember that time . . . ?” But after Mamaw’s funeral, we didn’t recall a series of fond memories about Mamaw and Papaw and Uncle Red and Teaberry and that time Uncle David drove off the side of the mountain, rolled a hundred yards down the hill, and walked away without a scratch. Lindsay and I instead listened to Mom tell us that we were too sad, that we loved Mamaw too much, and that Mom had the greater right to grief because, in her words, “She was my mom, not yours!”

我曾與送葬車隊一起開車六次，每一次轉彎都會發現一處風景，激發了人們對美好時光的回憶。在二十分鐘的旅程中，坐在車裡，不交換關於逝者的故事是不可能的，所有這些故事都以「你還記得那段時間嗎？但是在媽媽的葬禮之後，我們並沒有回憶起關於媽媽和爸爸、紅叔叔和茶莓的一系列美好回憶，那一次大衛叔叔開車離開了山的一側，滾下了山坡一百碼，然後一發不可收拾地走了。相反，琳賽和我聽媽媽告訴我們，我們太難過了，我們太愛媽媽了，媽媽有更大的悲傷權利，因為用她的話說，“她是我的媽媽，不是你的！

I have never felt angrier at anyone for anything. For years, I had made excuses for Mom. I had tried to help manage her drug problem, read those stupid books about addiction, and accompanied her to N.A. meetings. I had endured, never complaining, a parade of father figures, all of whom left me feeling empty and mistrustful of men. I had agreed to ride in that car with her on the day she threatened to kill me, and then I had stood before a judge and lied to him to keep her out of jail. I had moved in with her and Matt, and then her and Ken, because I wanted her to get better and thought that if I played along, there was a chance she would. For years, Lindsay called me the “forgiving child”—the one who found the best in Mom, the one who made excuses, the one who believed. I opened my mouth to spew pure vitriol in Mom’s direction, but Lindsay spoke first: “No, Mom. She was our mom, too.” That said it all, so I continued to sit in silence.

我從來沒有因為任何事情而對任何人感到憤怒。多年來，我一直在為媽媽找藉口。我曾試圖説明她解決毒品問題，閱讀那些關於成癮的愚蠢書籍，並陪她參加NA會議。我忍受了，從不抱怨，父親的形象，他們都讓我感到空虛和對男人的不信任。我同意在她威脅要殺我的那天和她一起坐那輛車，然後我站在法官面前，對他撒謊，讓她免於入獄。我和她、馬特、她和肯一起搬進來，因為我想讓她變得更好，並認為如果我和我一起玩，她就有機會。多年來，琳賽一直稱我為“寬容的孩子”——一個在媽媽身上找到最好的孩子，一個找藉口的人，一個相信的人。我張開嘴想朝媽媽的方向噴出純粹的尖酸刻薄，但琳賽先開口了：“不，媽媽。她也是我們的媽媽。這說明瞭一切，所以我繼續靜靜地坐著。

The day after the funeral, I drove back to North Carolina to rejoin my Marine Corps unit. On the way back, on a narrow mountain back road in Virginia, I hit a wet patch of road coming around a turn, and the car began spinning out of control. I was moving fast, and my twisting car showed no signs of slowing as it hurtled towards the guardrail. I thought briefly that this was it—that I’d topple over that guardrail and join Mamaw just a bit sooner than I expected—when all of a sudden the car stopped. It is the closest I’ve ever come to a true supernatural event, and though I’m sure some law of friction can explain what happened, I imagined that Mamaw had stopped the car from toppling over the side of the mountain. I reoriented the car, returned to my lane, and then pulled off to the side. That was when I broke down and released the tears that I’d held back during the previous two weeks. I spoke to Lindsay and Aunt Wee before restarting my journey, and within a few hours I was back at the base.

葬禮結束后的第二天，我開車回到北卡羅來納州，重新加入我的海軍陸戰隊部隊。在回來的路上，在弗吉尼亞州一條狹窄的山間小路上，我撞上了一條濕漉漉的路面，轉彎時，汽車開始失控。我走得很快，我那輛扭動的汽車在沖向護欄時沒有減速的跡象。我短暫地以為就是這樣——我會翻過護欄，比我預期的更早一點加入媽媽——突然間，車停了下來。這是我最接近真正的超自然事件，雖然我確信一些摩擦定律可以解釋發生了什麼，但我想像媽媽阻止了汽車翻倒在山的一側。我重新調整了車的方向，回到了我的車道，然後把車停在了一邊。就在那時，我崩潰了，釋放了前兩周我忍住的眼淚。在重新開始我的旅程之前，我和琳賽和黃阿姨談了談，幾個小時后我就回到了基地。

My final two years in the Marines flew by and were largely uneventful, though two incidents stand out, each of which speaks to the way the Marine Corps changed my perspective. The first was a moment in time in Iraq, where I was lucky to escape any real fighting but which affected me deeply nonetheless. As a public affairs marine, I would attach to different units to get a sense of their daily routine. Sometimes I’d escort civilian press, but generally I’d take photos or write short stories about individual marines or their work. Early in my deployment, I attached to a civil affairs unit to do community outreach. Civil affairs missions were typically considered more dangerous, as a small number of marines would venture into unprotected Iraqi territory to meet with locals. On our particular mission, senior marines met with local school officials while the rest of us provided security or hung out with the schoolkids, playing soccer and passing out candy and school supplies. One very shy boy approached me and held out his hand. When I gave him a small eraser, his face briefly lit up with joy before he ran away to his family, holding his two-cent prize aloft in triumph. I have never seen such excitement on a child’s face.

我在海軍陸戰隊的最後兩年飛逝而過，基本上平安無事，儘管有兩件事很突出，每件事都說明瞭海軍陸戰隊改變了我的觀點。第一次是在伊拉克的某個時刻，我很幸運地逃脫了任何真正的戰鬥，但它仍然深深地影響了我。作為一名公共事務海軍陸戰隊員，我會隸屬於不同的單位，以了解他們的日常生活。有時我會護送平民媒體，但通常我會拍攝照片或寫關於個別海軍陸戰隊員或他們的工作的短篇小說。在我部署的早期，我隸屬於一個民政部門，從事社區外展工作。民政任務通常被認為更危險，因為少數海軍陸戰隊員會冒險進入未受保護的伊拉克領土與當地人會面。在我們的特殊任務中，高級海軍陸戰隊員會見了當地學校官員，而我們其他人則提供安全保障或與學童一起出去玩，踢足球並分發糖果和學慣用品。一個非常害羞的男孩走近我，伸出手。當我給他一塊小橡皮擦時，他的臉上短暫地閃耀著喜悅的光芒，然後他跑到他的家人身邊，勝利地高舉著他的兩美分獎金。我從未在孩子的臉上看到過如此興奮的表情。

I don’t believe in epiphanies. I don’t believe in transformative moments, as transformation is harder than a moment. I’ve seen far too many people awash in a genuine desire to change only to lose their mettle when they realized just how difficult change actually is. But that moment, with that boy, was pretty close for me. For my entire life, I’d harbored resentment at the world. I was mad at my mother and father, mad that I rode the bus to school while other kids caught rides with friends, mad that my clothes didn’t come from Abercrombie, mad that my grandfather died, mad that we lived in a small house. That resentment didn’t vanish in an instant, but as I stood and surveyed the mass of children of a war-torn nation, their school without running water, and the overjoyed boy, I began to appreciate how lucky I was: born in the greatest country on earth, every modern convenience at my fingertips, supported by two loving hillbillies, and part of a family that, for all its quirks, loved me unconditionally. At that moment, I resolved to be the type of man who would smile when someone gave him an eraser. I haven’t quite made it there, but without that day in Iraq, I wouldn’t be trying.

我不相信頓悟。我不相信變革的時刻，因為轉型比一刻更難。我見過太多人沉浸在改變的真正願望中，但當他們意識到改變實際上是多麼困難時，他們就失去了勇氣。但那一刻，和那個男孩在一起，對我來說非常接近。在我的一生中，我一直對這個世界懷有怨恨。我對我的父母很生氣，生氣我坐公共汽車去學校，而其他孩子卻和朋友一起搭車，生氣我的衣服不是從阿伯克倫比來的，生氣的是我祖父的死，生氣我們住在一個小房子里。這種怨恨並沒有在一瞬間消失，但當我站起來，看著這個飽受戰爭蹂躪的國家的孩子們，他們沒有自來水的學校，以及那個欣喜若狂的男孩時，我開始意識到我是多麼幸運：出生在地球上最偉大的國家，一切現代便利都觸手可及，由兩個充滿愛心的鄉巴佬支援， 作為一個家庭的一部分，儘管有各種怪癖，但無條件地愛我。那一刻，我下定決心要成為那種當有人給他橡皮擦時會微笑的人。我還沒有完全到達那裡，但如果沒有在伊拉克的那一天，我就不會嘗試。

The other life-altering component of my Marine Corps experience was constant. From the first day, with that scary drill instructor and a piece of cake, until the last, when I grabbed my discharge papers and sped home, the Marine Corps taught me how to live like an adult.

在海軍陸戰隊的經歷中，另一個改變我生活的組成部分是不變的。從第一天開始，在那個可怕的演習教官和一塊蛋糕上，直到最後，當我拿起退伍檔飛奔回家時，海軍陸戰隊教我如何像成年人一樣生活。

The Marine Corps assumes maximum ignorance from its enlisted folks. It assumes that no one taught you anything about physical fitness, personal hygiene, or personal finances. I took mandatory classes about balancing a checkbook, saving, and investing. When I came home from boot camp with my fifteen-hundred-dollar earnings deposited in a mediocre regional bank, a senior enlisted marine drove me to Navy Federal—a respected credit union—and had me open an account. When I caught strep throat and tried to tough it out, my commanding officer noticed and ordered me to the doctor.

海軍陸戰隊假設其士兵的最大無知。它假設沒有人教過你任何關於身體健康、個人衛生或個人財務的知識。我選修了關於平衡支票簿、儲蓄和投資的必修課。當我從新兵訓練營回到家時，我的一千五百美元收入存入了一家平庸的地區銀行，一名高級海軍陸戰隊員開車帶我去了海軍聯邦——一個受人尊敬的信用合作社——並讓我開了一個帳戶。當我感染鏈球菌性咽喉炎並試圖強硬起來時，我的指揮官注意到並命令我去看醫生。

We used to complain constantly about the biggest perceived difference between our jobs and civilian jobs: In the civilian world, your boss wasn’t able to control your life after you left work. In the Marines, my boss didn’t just make sure I did a good job, he made sure I kept my room clean, kept my hair cut, and ironed my uniforms. He sent an older marine to supervise as I shopped for my first car so that I’d end up with a practical car, like a Toyota or a Honda, not the BMW I wanted. When I nearly agreed to finance that purchase directly through the car dealership with a 21-percent-interest-rate loan, my chaperone blew a gasket and ordered me to call Navy Fed and get a second quote (it was less than half the interest). I had no idea that people did these things. Compare banks? I thought they were all the same. Shop around for a loan? I felt so lucky to even get a loan that I was ready to pull the trigger immediately. The Marine Corps demanded that I think strategically about these decisions, and then it taught me how to do so.

我們過去常常抱怨我們的工作和文職工作之間最大的區別：在文職世界里，你下班后，你的老闆無法控制你的生活。在海軍陸戰隊，我的老闆不僅確保我做得很好，他還確保我保持房間清潔，剪髮，熨燙制服。他派了一位年長的海軍陸戰隊員來監督我購買我的第一輛車，這樣我最終會得到一輛實用的汽車，比如豐田或本田，而不是我想要的寶馬。當我幾乎同意直接通過汽車轉銷商以 21% 的利率貸款為購買提供資金時，我的監護人炸了一個墊圈，命令我打電話給海軍美聯儲並獲得第二份報價（不到利息的一半）。我不知道人們會做這些事情。比較銀行？我以為他們都是一樣的。貨比三家貸款？我感到非常幸運，甚至得到了一筆貸款，我準備立即扣動扳機。海軍陸戰隊要求我從戰略上思考這些決定，然後它教會了我如何去做。

Just as important, the Marines changed the expectations that I had for myself. In boot camp, the thought of climbing the thirty-foot rope inspired terror; by the end of my first year, I could climb the rope using only one arm. Before I enlisted, I had never run a mile continuously. On my last physical fitness test, I ran three of them in nineteen minutes. It was in the Marine Corps where I first ordered grown men to do a job and watched them listen; where I learned that leadership depended far more on earning the respect of your subordinates than on bossing them around; where I discovered how to earn that respect; and where I saw that men and women of different social classes and races could work as a team and bond like family. It was the Marine Corps that first gave me an opportunity to truly fail, made me take that opportunity, and then, when I did fail, gave me another chance anyway.

同樣重要的是，海軍陸戰隊改變了我對自己的期望。在新兵訓練營中，一想到要爬上三十英尺長的繩索，就會感到恐懼;到第一年結束時，我只能用一隻胳膊爬上繩子。在我入伍之前，我從未連續跑過一英里。在我最後一次體能測試中，我在 19 分鐘內跑了 3 個。在海軍陸戰隊，我第一次命令成年男子做一份工作，看著他們聽;在那裡，我瞭解到領導力更多地取決於贏得下屬的尊重，而不是領導他們;在那裡，我發現了如何贏得這種尊重;在那裡，我看到不同社會階層和種族的男人和女人可以作為一個團隊工作，像家人一樣聯繫在一起。是海軍陸戰隊首先給了我一個真正失敗的機會，讓我抓住了這個機會，然後，當我失敗了時，還是給了我另一個機會。

When you work in public affairs, the most senior marines serve as liaisons with the press. The press is the holy grail of Marine Corps public affairs: the biggest audience and the highest stakes. Our media officer at Cherry Point was a captain who, for reasons I never understood, quickly fell out of favor with the base’s senior brass. Though he was a captain—eight pay grades higher than I was—because of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, there was no ready replacement when he got the ax. So my boss told me that for the next nine months (until my service ended) I would be the media relations officer for one of the largest military bases on the East Coast.

當您從事公共事務工作時，最高級的海軍陸戰隊員會擔任與媒體的聯絡人。新聞界是海軍陸戰隊公共事務的聖杯：最大的受眾和最高的風險。我們在櫻桃角的媒體官是一名上尉，出於我從來不明白的原因，他很快就失去了基地高級管理人員的青睞。雖然他是一名上尉——工資比我高八級——但由於伊拉克和阿富汗的戰爭，當他拿到斧頭時，沒有現成的替代者。所以我的老闆告訴我，在接下來的九個月里（直到我的服役結束），我將擔任東海岸最大的軍事基地之一的媒體關係官。

By then I’d grown accustomed to the sometimes random nature of Marine Corps assignments. This was something else entirely. As a friend joked, I had a face for radio, and I wasn’t prepared for live TV interviews about happenings on base. The Marine Corps threw me to the wolves. I struggled a bit at first—allowing some photographers to take photos of a classified aircraft; speaking out of turn at a meeting with senior officers—and I got my ass chewed. My boss, Shawn Haney, explained what I needed to do to correct myself. We discussed how to build relationships with the press, how to stay on message, and how to manage my time. I got better, and when hundreds of thousands flocked to our base for a biannual air show, our media relations worked so well that I earned a commendation medal.

到那時，我已經習慣了海軍陸戰隊任務有時是隨機的。這完全是另一回事。正如一位朋友開玩笑說的那樣，我有一張廣播的臉，而且我沒有準備好接受關於基地發生的事情的電視直播採訪。海軍陸戰隊把我扔給了狼群。起初，我有點掙扎——允許一些攝影師拍攝機密飛機的照片;在與高級官員的會議上說話不合時宜——我被咬了屁股。我的老闆肖恩·哈尼（Shawn Haney）解釋了我需要做些什麼來糾正自己。我們討論了如何與媒體建立關係，如何保持信息暢通，以及如何管理我的時間。我變得更好了，當數十萬人湧向我們的基地參加一年兩次的航展時，我們的媒體關係運作得非常好，我獲得了一枚表彰獎章。

The experience taught me a valuable lesson: that I could do it. I could work twenty-hour days when I had to. I could speak clearly and confidently with TV cameras shoved in my face. I could stand in a room with majors, colonels, and generals and hold my own. I could do a captain’s job even when I feared I couldn’t.

這次經歷教會了我寶貴的一課：我能做到。必要時，我可以每天工作二十小時。我可以清晰而自信地說話，電視攝像機推到我的臉上。我可以和少校、上校和將軍站在一個房間裡，拿著自己的衣服。我可以做船長的工作，即使我擔心我做不到。

For all my grandma’s efforts, for all of her “You can do anything; don’t be like those fuckers who think the deck is stacked against them” diatribes, the message had only partially set in before I enlisted. Surrounding me was another message: that I and the people like me weren’t good enough; that the reason Middletown produced zero Ivy League graduates was some genetic or character defect. I couldn’t possibly see how destructive that mentality was until I escaped it. The Marine Corps replaced it with something else, something that loathes excuses. “Giving it my all” was a catchphrase, something heard in health or gym class. When I first ran three miles, mildly impressed with my mediocre twenty-five-minute time, a terrifying senior drill instructor greeted me at the finish line: “If you’re not puking, you’re lazy! Stop being fucking lazy!” He then ordered me to sprint between him and a tree repeatedly. Just as I felt I might pass out, he relented. I was heaving, barely able to catch my breath. “That’s how you should feel at the end of every run!” he yelled. In the Marines, giving it your all was a way of life.

感謝我奶奶的所有努力，感謝她所有的「你可以做任何事情;不要像那些認為甲板對他們不利的混蛋一樣“的謾駡，在我入伍之前，這個資訊只是部分地開始。圍繞著我的是另一個資訊：我和像我這樣的人還不夠好;米德爾敦大學沒有培養出常春藤盟校畢業生的原因是一些遺傳或性格缺陷。在我逃脫之前，我不可能看到這種心態的破壞性有多大。海軍陸戰隊用別的東西取而代之，討厭藉口。“全力以赴”是一句口號，在健康或體育課上聽到。當我第一次跑三英里時，對我平庸的二十五分鐘時間印象深刻，一位可怕的高級訓練教練在終點線向我打招呼：“如果你不嘔吐，你就是懶惰！別他媽的偷懶了！然後他命令我在他和一棵樹之間反覆衝刺。就在我覺得自己可能會昏倒的時候，他心軟了。我喘著粗氣，幾乎喘不過氣來。“這就是你每次跑步結束時的感覺！”他喊道。在海軍陸戰隊，全力以赴是一種生活方式。

I’m not saying ability doesn’t matter. It certainly helps. But there’s something powerful about realizing that you’ve undersold yourself—that somehow your mind confused lack of effort for inability. This is why, whenever people ask me what I’d most like to change about the white working class, I say, “The feeling that our choices don’t matter.” The Marine Corps excised that feeling like a surgeon does a tumor.

我並不是說能力無關緊要。這當然有説明。但是，意識到自己低估了自己，這有一種強大的力量——不知何故，你的大腦混淆了缺乏努力和無能。這就是為什麼每當人們問我最想改變白人工人階級的什麼時，我都會說，“感覺我們的選擇並不重要。海軍陸戰隊切除了那種感覺就像外科醫生做腫瘤一樣。

A few days after my twenty-third birthday, I hopped into the first major purchase I’d ever made—an old Honda Civic—grabbed my discharge papers, and drove one last time from Cherry Point, North Carolina, to Middletown, Ohio. During my four years in the Marines, I had seen, in Haiti, a level of poverty I never knew existed. I witnessed the fiery aftermath of an airplane crash into a residential neighborhood. I had watched Mamaw die and then gone to war a few months later. I had befriended a former crack dealer who turned out to be the hardest-working marine I knew.

在我二十三歲生日後的幾天，我跳上了我做過的第一筆大買——一輛舊的本田思域——拿起我的出院文件，最後一次從北卡羅來納州的櫻桃角開車到俄亥俄州的米德爾敦。在海軍陸戰隊服役的四年裡，我在海地看到了我從來不知道的貧困程度。我親眼目睹了一架飛機撞向居民區的火熱後果。我親眼目睹了媽媽的死，幾個月後又去打仗了。我結識了一位前毒販，他原來是我認識的最勤奮的海軍陸戰隊員。

When I joined the Marine Corps, I did so in part because I wasn’t ready for adulthood. I didn’t know how to balance a checkbook, much less how to complete the financial aid forms for college. Now I knew exactly what I wanted out of my life and how to get there. And in three weeks, I’d start classes at Ohio State.

當我加入海軍陸戰隊時，我這樣做的部分原因是我還沒有為成年做好準備。我不知道如何平衡支票簿，更不用說如何填寫大學經濟援助表格了。現在我確切地知道我想要從我的生活中得到什麼以及如何到達那裡。三周后，我將在俄亥俄州立大學開始上課。