西班牙文化之旅

Chapter 7

第7章

In the fall after I turned thirteen, Mom began dating Matt, a younger guy who worked as a firefighter. I adored Matt from the start—he was my favorite of all of Mom’s men, and we still keep in touch. One night I was at home watching TV, waiting for Mom to get home from work with a bucket of KFC for dinner. I had two responsibilities that evening: first, track down Lindsay in case she was hungry; and second, run food over to Mamaw as soon as Mom arrived. Shortly before I expected Mom, Mamaw called. “Where is your mother?”

在我十三歲之後的秋天，媽媽開始和馬特約會，馬特是一個年輕的消防員。我從一開始就崇拜馬特——他是我媽媽所有男人中我最喜歡的，我們仍然保持聯繫。一天晚上，我在家裡看電視，等著媽媽下班回家，拿著一桶肯德基吃晚飯。那天晚上我有兩項職責：第一，在琳賽餓了的情況下找到她;第二，媽媽一到就把食物送到媽媽那裡。就在我期待媽媽之前不久，媽媽打來了電話。“媽在哪兒？”

“I don’t know. What’s wrong, Mamaw?”

“我不知道。怎麼了，媽媽？

Her response, more than anything I’ve ever heard, is seared in my memory. She was worried—scared, even. The hillbilly accent that she usually hid dripped from her lips. “No one has seen or heard from Papaw.” I told her I’d call as soon as Mom got home, which I expected would happen soon.

她的回答，比我聽過的任何話都更深深地烙在我的記憶中。她很擔心，甚至害怕。她平時隱藏的鄉巴佬口音從她的嘴唇上滴落下來。“沒有人見過或聽說過爸爸的消息。”我告訴她，媽媽一回家我就打電話，我預計很快就會發生。

I figured Mamaw was overreacting. But then I considered the utter predictability of Papaw’s schedule. He woke at six in the morning every day, without an alarm clock, then drove to McDonald’s at seven to grab a coffee with his old Armco buddies. After a couple of hours of conversation, he would amble over to Mamaw’s house and spend the morning watching TV or playing cards. If he left at all before dinnertime, he might briefly visit his friend Paul’s hardware store. Without exception, he stayed at Mamaw’s house to greet me when I came home from school. And if I didn’t go to Mamaw’s—if I went to Mom’s, as I did when times were good—he’d usually come over and say goodbye before he went home for the evening. That he had missed all of these events meant that something was very wrong.

我以為媽媽反應過度了。但後來我考慮了Papaw日程安排的完全可預測性。他每天早上六點起床，沒有鬧鐘，然後七點開車去麥當勞，和他的老夥伴們一起喝咖啡。經過幾個小時的交談，他會漫步到媽媽的家裡，花一上午的時間看電視或打牌。如果他在晚餐時間之前離開，他可能會短暫地去他朋友保羅的五金店。無一例外，當我放學回家時，他都留在媽媽家迎接我。如果我不去媽媽家——如果我去媽媽家，就像我在天氣好的時候那樣——他通常會在晚上回家之前過來道別。他錯過了所有這些事件，這意味著有些事情非常不對勁。

Mom walked in the door a few minutes after Mamaw called, and I was already sobbing. “Papaw . . . Papaw, I think he’s dead.” The rest is a blur: I think I relayed Mamaw’s message; we picked her up down the street and sped over to Papaw’s house, no more than a few minutes’ drive away. I knocked on his door violently. Mom ran to the back door, screamed, and came around front, both to tell Mamaw that he was hunched over in his chair and to grab a rock. She then broke and went in through a window, unlocked and opened the door, and tended to her father. By then he had been dead for nearly a day.

媽媽打來電話幾分鐘後，媽媽走進門，我已經在抽泣了。“啪......爸爸，我想他已經死了。剩下的就是模糊不清了：我想我轉達了媽媽的資訊;我們在街上接她，然後飛快地跑到爸爸的家，離這裡只有幾分鐘的車程。我猛烈地敲了他的門。媽媽跑到後門，尖叫著，走到前面，既要告訴媽媽他彎腰坐在椅子上，又要抓一塊石頭。然後她破門而入，從窗戶進去，打開門，照料她的父親。那時他已經死了將近一天。

Mom and Mamaw sobbed uncontrollably as we waited for an ambulance. I tried to hug Mamaw, but she was beside herself and unresponsive even to me. When she stopped crying, she clutched me to her chest and told me to go say goodbye before they took his body away. I tried, but the medical technician kneeling beside him gazed at me as if she thought I was creepy for wanting to look at a dead body. I didn’t tell her the real reason I had walked back to my slouching Papaw.

媽媽和媽媽在我們等待救護車時無法控制地抽泣。我試著擁抱媽媽，但她就在自己身邊，甚至對我沒有反應。當她停止哭泣時，她把我抱在胸前，告訴我在他們把他的屍體帶走之前說再見。我試過了，但跪在他旁邊的醫務人員盯著我，好像她認為我想看一具屍體而令人毛骨悚然。我沒有告訴她我走回懶洋洋的爸爸身邊的真正原因。

After the ambulance took Papaw’s body away, we drove immediately to Aunt Wee’s house. I guessed Mom had called her, because she descended from her porch with tears in her eyes. We all hugged her before squeezing into the car and heading back to Mamaw’s. The adults gave me the unenviable task of tracking down Lindsay and giving her the news. This was before cell phones, and Lindsay, being a seventeen-year-old, was difficult to reach. She wasn’t answering the house phone, and none of her friends answered my calls. Mamaw’s house sat literally five houses away from Mom’s—313 McKinley to 303—so I listened to the adults make plans and watched out the window for signs of my sister’s return. The adults spoke about funeral arrangements, where Papaw would want to be buried—“In Jackson, goddammit,” Mamaw insisted—and who would call Uncle Jimmy and tell him to come home.

救護車把爸爸的屍體運走後，我們立即驅車前往黃阿姨家。我猜是媽媽給她打電話的，因為她眼裡含著淚水從門廊上下來。我們都擁抱了她，然後擠進車裡，回到了媽媽家。大人們給了我一個令人羨慕的任務，那就是追蹤琳賽並告訴她這個消息。那是在手機出現之前，琳賽作為一個十七歲的孩子，很難聯繫到他。她沒有接家裡的電話，她的朋友也沒有接我的電話。媽媽的房子和媽媽的房子相距五幢房子——麥金利街313歲到303歲——所以我聽大人計劃，並注意窗外有沒有我妹妹回來的跡象。大人們談到了葬禮的安排，爸爸想被埋葬在哪裡——“在傑克遜，該死的，”媽媽堅持說——誰會打電話給吉米叔叔，讓他回家。

Lindsay returned home shortly before midnight. I trudged down the street and opened our door. She was walking down the stairs but stopped cold when she saw my face, red and blotchy from crying all day. “Papaw,” I blurted out. “He’s dead.” Lindsay collapsed on the stairs, and I ran up and embraced her. We sat there for a few minutes, crying as two children do when they find out that the most important man in their lives has died. Lindsay said something then, and though I don’t remember the exact phrase, I do remember that Papaw had just done some work on her car, and she was muttering something through the tears about taking advantage of him.

琳賽在午夜前不久回到家。我跋涉在街上，打開了我們的門。她正走下樓梯，但當她看到我的臉時，她冷了下來，因為整天哭泣而紅腫。爸爸，“我脫口而出。“他死了。”琳賽癱倒在樓梯上，我跑上去擁抱她。我們在那裡坐幾分鐘，像兩個孩子一樣哭泣，當他們發現他們生命中最重要的人去世了。琳賽接著說了些什麼，雖然我不記得確切的短語了，但我確實記得爸爸剛剛在她的車上做了一些工作，她流著眼淚嘟囔著什麼，說要利用他。

Lindsay was a teenager when Papaw died, at the height of that weird mixture of thinking you know everything and caring too much about how others perceive you. Papaw was many things, but he was never cool. He wore the same old T-shirt every day with a front pocket just big enough to fit a pack of cigarettes. He always smelled of mildew, because he washed his clothes but let them dry “naturally,” meaning packed together in a washing machine. A lifetime of smoking had blessed him with an unlimited supply of phlegm, and he had no problem sharing that phlegm with everyone, no matter the time or occasion. He listened to Johnny Cash on perpetual repeat and drove an old El Camino—a car truck—everywhere he went. In other words, Papaw wasn’t ideal company for a beautiful seventeen-year-old girl with an active social life. Thus, she took advantage of him in the same way that every young girl takes advantage of a father: She loved and admired him, she asked him for things that he sometimes gave her, and she didn’t pay him a lot of attention when she was around her friends.

爸爸去世時，琳賽還是個十幾歲的孩子，正處於那種奇怪的混合狀態，認為自己無所不知，過於在乎別人如何看待你。爸爸有很多東西，但他從來都不酷。他每天都穿著同樣的舊T恤，前面的口袋剛好能裝一包香煙。他總是聞到霉味，因為他洗衣服，但讓它們“自然”晾乾，意思是在洗衣機里擠在一起。一輩子的吸煙使他擁有無限的痰液供應，無論何時何地，他都可以毫無問題地與所有人分享這些痰液。他不停地重複約翰尼·卡什（Johnny Cash）的歌，無論走到哪裡，都開著一輛舊的El Camino（一輛汽車卡車）。換句話說，對於一個擁有活躍社交生活的美麗十七歲女孩來說，Papaw 並不是理想的公司。因此，她利用他的方式就像每個年輕女孩利用父親一樣：她愛他，欽佩他，她向他索要他有時給她的東西，當她和朋友在一起時，她並沒有給他太多的關注。

To this day, being able to “take advantage” of someone is the measure in my mind of having a parent. For me and Lindsay, the fear of imposing stalked our minds, infecting even the food we ate. We recognized instinctively that many of the people we depended on weren’t supposed to play that role in our lives, so much so that it was one of the first things Lindsay thought of when she learned of Papaw’s death. We were conditioned to feel that we couldn’t really depend on people—that, even as children, asking someone for a meal or for help with a broken-down automobile was a luxury that we shouldn’t indulge in too much lest we fully tap the reservoir of goodwill serving as a safety valve in our lives. Mamaw and Papaw did everything they could to fight that instinct. On our rare trips to a nice restaurant, they would interrogate me about what I truly wanted until I’d confess that yes, I did want the steak. And then they’d order it for me over my protests. No matter how imposing, no figure could erase that feeling entirely. Papaw had come the closest, but he clearly hadn’t succeeded all the way, and now he was gone.

直到今天，能夠“利用”某人是我心目中擁有父母的衡量標準。對我和琳賽來說，對強加的恐懼困擾著我們的思想，甚至感染了我們吃的食物。我們本能地認識到，我們依賴的許多人不應該在我們的生活中扮演這個角色，以至於當琳賽得知爸爸的死訊時，她首先想到的是一件事。我們習慣於覺得我們不能真正依賴別人——即使在孩提時代，請人吃飯或幫忙修理壞掉的汽車也是一種奢侈，我們不應該沉迷其中，以免我們充分利用善意的蓄水池作為我們生活中的安全閥。媽媽和爸爸竭盡全力與這種本能作鬥爭。在我們難得的去一家不錯的餐廳旅行時，他們會問我真正想要什麼，直到我承認是的，我確實想要牛排。然後他們會在我的抗議下為我訂購它。無論多麼氣勢磅礴，沒有一個人物可以完全抹去這種感覺。爸爸走得最近，但他顯然沒有一路成功，現在他走了。

Papaw died on a Tuesday, and I know this because when Mom’s boyfriend, Matt, drove me to a local diner the next morning to pick up food for the whole family, the Lynyrd Skynyrd song “Tuesday’s Gone” was playing on the radio. “But somehow I’ve got to carry on / Tuesday’s gone with the wind.” That was the moment it really hit me that Papaw was never coming back. The adults did what people do when a loved one dies: They planned a funeral, figured out how to pay for it, and hoped that they did the deceased some justice. We hosted a visitation in Middletown that Thursday so all the locals could pay their respects, then had a second visitation in Jackson on Friday before a Saturday funeral. Even in death, Papaw had one foot in Ohio and another in the holler.

爸爸在星期二去世了，我知道這一點，因為第二天早上，當媽媽的男朋友馬特開車送我去當地的一家餐館為全家人取食物時，收音機里正在播放林納德·斯凱納德的歌曲“星期二走了”。“但不知何故，我必須繼續前進/星期二隨風而去。”就在那一刻，我真正意識到爸爸再也回不來了。成年人做了親人去世時人們會做的事情：他們計劃了一場葬禮，想好了如何支付費用，並希望他們為死者伸張正義。週四，我們在米德爾敦舉辦了一次探訪活動，以便所有當地人都可以表達敬意，然後在週六葬禮之前於週五在傑克遜進行了第二次探訪。即使在死亡中，Papaw 的一隻腳在俄亥俄州，另一隻腳在嘶吼中。

Everyone I cared to see came to the funeral in Jackson—Uncle Jimmy and his kids, our extended family and friends, and all of the Blanton men who were still kicking. It occurred to me as I saw these titans of my family that, for the first eleven or so years of my life, I saw them during happy times—family reunions and holidays or lazy summers and long weekends—and in the two most recent years I’d seen them only at funerals.

我關心的每個人都來參加傑克遜的葬禮——吉米叔叔和他的孩子們，我們的大家庭和朋友，以及所有還在踢球的布蘭頓人。當我看到我家的這些巨頭時，我突然想到，在我生命的頭十一年左右，我在快樂的時光里看到他們——家庭團聚和假期，或者慵懶的夏天和長週末——而在最近兩年，我只在葬禮上見過他們。

At Papaw’s funeral, as at other hillbilly funerals I’ve witnessed, the preacher invited everyone to stand up and say a few words about the deceased. As I sat next to Uncle Jimmy in the pew, I sobbed throughout the hour-long funeral, my eyes so irritated by the end that I could hardly see. Still, I knew this was it, and that if I didn’t stand up and speak my piece, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.

在帕帕的葬禮上，就像我目睹的其他鄉巴佬葬禮一樣，傳教士邀請每個人站起來，對死者說幾句話。當我坐在吉米叔叔旁邊的長椅上時，我在長達一個小時的葬禮中抽泣，我的眼睛被激怒了，以至於我幾乎看不見。不過，我知道就是這樣，如果我不站起來說出我的作品，我會後悔一輩子。

I thought about a moment nearly a decade earlier that I’d heard about but didn’t remember. I was four or five, sitting in a church pew for a great-uncle’s funeral in that same Deaton funeral home in Jackson. We had just arrived after a long drive from Middletown, and when the minister asked us to bow our heads and pray, I bowed my head and passed out. Mamaw’s older brother Uncle Pet lay me on my side with a Bible as a pillow and thought nothing more of it. I was asleep for what happened next, but I’ve heard some version of it a hundred times. Even today, when I see someone who attended that funeral, they tell me about my hillbilly Mamaw and Papaw.

我想起了將近十年前的一個時刻，我聽說過，但不記得了。我四五歲時，坐在教堂的長椅上，在傑克遜的迪頓殯儀館參加叔叔的葬禮。我們剛從米德爾敦驅車長途跋涉到達，當牧師要求我們低頭祈禱時，我低下頭昏倒了。媽媽的哥哥寶叔叔把我放在我身邊，把聖經當成枕頭，沒有再想。我為接下來發生的事情睡著了，但我已經聽過一百次了。即使在今天，當我看到有人參加葬禮時，他們也會告訴我我的鄉巴佬媽媽和爸爸。

When I failed to appear in the crowd of mourners leaving the church, Mamaw and Papaw grew suspicious. There were perverts even in Jackson, they told me, who wanted to stick sticks up your butt and “blow on your pecker” as much as the perverts in Ohio or Indiana or California. Papaw hatched a plan: There were only two exits to Deaton’s, and no one had driven away yet. Papaw ran to the car and grabbed a .44 Magnum for himself and a .38 Special for Mamaw. They manned the exits to the funeral home and checked every car. When they encountered an old friend, they explained the situation and enlisted help. When they met someone else, they searched the cars like goddamned DEA agents.

當我沒有出現在離開教堂的哀悼人群中時，媽媽和爸爸開始懷疑。他們告訴我，甚至在傑克遜也有變態，他們想把棍子插在你的屁股上，像俄亥俄州、印第安那州或加利福尼亞州的變態一樣“吹你的啄木鳥”。Papaw制定了一個計劃：Deaton's只有兩個出口，而且還沒有人開車離開。Papaw跑到車前，為自己拿了一把.44 Magnum，給Mamaw拿了一把.38 Special。他們在殯儀館的出口有人值守，並檢查了每輛車。當他們遇到一位老朋友時，他們解釋了情況並尋求説明。當他們遇到其他人時，他們像該死的緝毒局特工一樣搜查汽車。

Uncle Pet approached, frustrated that Mamaw and Papaw were holding up traffic. When they explained, Pet howled with laughter: “He’s asleep in the church pew, let me show you.” After they found me, they allowed traffic to flow freely once again.

寵物叔叔走了過來，對媽媽和爸爸阻礙了交通感到沮喪。當他們解釋時，佩特笑著嚎叫：「他在教堂的長椅上睡著了，讓我給你看看。在他們找到我之後，他們再次允許交通自由流動。

I thought about Papaw buying me a BB gun with a mounted scope. He placed the gun on his workbench with a vise to hold it in place and fired repeatedly at a target. After each shot, we adjusted the scope, aligning the crosshairs with where the BB impacted the target. And then he taught me how to shoot—how to focus on the sights and not the target, how to exhale before pulling the trigger. Years later, our marine boot camp marksmanship instructors would tell us that the kids who already “knew” how to shoot performed the worst, because they’d learned improper fundamentals. That was true with one exception: me. From Papaw, I had learned excellent fundamentals, and I qualified with an M16 rifle as an expert, the highest category, with one of the highest scores in my entire platoon.

我想到爸爸給我買了一把帶瞄準鏡的BB槍。他把槍放在工作臺上，用虎鉗固定住，然後反覆向目標射擊。每次射擊后，我們都會調整瞄準鏡，將十字准線與BB撞擊目標的位置對齊。然後他教我如何射擊——如何專注於瞄準具而不是目標，如何在扣動扳機之前呼氣。多年後，我們的海軍陸戰隊新兵訓練營槍法教練會告訴我們，那些已經“知道”射擊的孩子表現最差，因為他們學到了不正確的基礎知識。除了一個例外：我。從爸爸那裡，我學到了優秀的基礎知識，我獲得了 M16 步槍的資格，成為專家，這是最高類別，是我整個排中得分最高的之一。

Papaw was gruff to the point of absurdity. To every suggestion or behavior he didn’t like, Papaw had one reply: “Bullshit.” That was everyone’s cue to shut the hell up. His hobby was cars: He loved buying, trading, and fixing them. One day not long after Papaw quit drinking, Uncle Jimmy came home to find him fixing an old automobile on the street. “He was cussing up a storm. ‘These goddamned Japanese cars, cheap pieces of shit. What a stupid motherfucker who made this part.’ I just listened to him, not knowing a single person was around, and he just kept carrying on and complaining. I thought he sounded miserable.” Uncle Jimmy had recently started working and was eager to spend his money to help his dad out. So he offered to take the car to a shop and get it fixed. The suggestion caught Papaw completely off guard. “What? Why?” he asked innocently. “I love fixing cars.”

爸爸粗魯到荒謬的地步。對於他不喜歡的每一個建議或行為，爸爸都有一個回答：“胡說八道。這是每個人閉嘴的暗示。他的愛好是汽車：他喜歡購買、交易和修理汽車。有一天，爸爸戒酒後不久，吉米叔叔回到家，發現他在街上修理一輛舊車。“他正在掀起一場風暴。'這些該死的日本汽車，廉價的狗屎。真是個愚蠢的混蛋，他做了這個角色。 我只是聽他說話，不知道周圍有一個人，他只是繼續抱怨。我覺得他聽起來很悲慘。吉米叔叔最近開始工作，他很想花錢幫助爸爸。於是他提出把車開到一家商店修好。這個建議讓Papaw完全措手不及。“什麼？為什麼？“他天真地問。“我喜歡修車。”

Papaw had a beer belly and a chubby face but skinny arms and legs. He never apologized with words. While helping Aunt Wee move across the country, she admonished him for his earlier alcoholism and asked why they rarely had the chance to talk. “Well, talk now. We’ve got all fucking day in the car together.” But he did apologize with deeds: The rare times when he lost his temper with me were always followed with a new toy or a trip to the ice cream parlor.

爸爸有一個啤酒肚和一張胖乎乎的臉，但胳膊和腿都很瘦。他從不用言語道歉。在説明黃阿姨搬到全國各地時，她告誡他早先酗酒，並問為什麼他們很少有機會交談。“好吧，現在談談。我們他媽的在車裡一起度過了一整天。但他確實用行動道歉：他很少對我發脾氣，之後總是會買一個新玩具或去霜淇淋店。

Papaw was a terrifying hillbilly made for a different time and place. During that cross-country drive with Aunt Wee, they stopped at a highway rest stop in the early morning. Aunt Wee decided to comb her hair and brush her teeth and thus spent more time in the ladies’ room than Papaw thought reasonable. He kicked open the door holding a loaded revolver, like a character in a Liam Neeson movie. He was sure, he explained, that she was being raped by some pervert. Years later, after Aunt Wee’s dog growled at her infant baby, Papaw told her husband, Dan, that unless he got rid of the dog, Papaw would feed it a steak marinated in antifreeze. He wasn’t joking: Three decades earlier, he had made the same promise to a neighbor after a dog nearly bit my mom. A week later that dog was dead. In that funeral home I thought about these things, too.

Papaw 是一個可怕的鄉巴佬，為不同的時間和地點而生。在與黃阿姨的越野駕駛中，他們在清晨停在高速公路休息站。黃阿姨決定梳頭刷牙，因此在女士房間里呆的時間比爸爸認為合理的時間要多。他拿著一把上膛的左輪手槍踢開了門，就像連姆·尼森電影中的角色一樣。他解釋說，他確信她被某個變態強姦了。多年後，在黃阿姨的狗對著她繈褓中的孩子咆哮后，爸爸告訴她的丈夫丹，除非他擺脫這隻狗，否則爸爸會喂它一塊用防凍劑醃制的牛排。他不是在開玩笑：三十年前，在一隻狗差點咬了我媽媽之後，他向鄰居做出了同樣的承諾。一周后，那隻狗死了。在那家殯儀館里，我也想到了這些事情。

Most of all I thought about Papaw and me. I thought about the hours we spent practicing increasingly complex math problems. He taught me that lack of knowledge and lack of intelligence were not the same. The former could be remedied with a little patience and a lot of hard work. And the latter? “Well, I guess you’re up shit creek without a paddle.”

最重要的是，我想到了爸爸和我。我想到了我們花在練習越來越複雜的數學問題上的時間。他告訴我，缺乏知識和缺乏智慧是不一樣的。前者可以通過一點耐心和大量的努力來補救。而後者呢？“嗯，我猜你是沒有槳的狗屎小溪。”

I thought about how Papaw would get on the ground with me and Aunt Wee’s baby girls and play with us like a child. Despite his “bullshits” and his grouchiness, he never met a hug or a kiss that he didn’t welcome. He bought Lindsay a crappy car and fixed it up, and after she wrecked it, he bought her another one and fixed that one up, too, just so she didn’t feel like she “came from nothing.” I thought about losing my temper with Mom or Lindsay or Mamaw, and how those were among the few times Papaw ever showed a mean streak, because, as he once told me, “the measure of a man is how he treats the women in his family.” His wisdom came from experience, from his own earlier failures with treating the women in his family well.

我想著爸爸會如何和我和黃阿姨的寶貝女兒一起趴在地上，像個孩子一樣和我們一起玩。儘管他「胡說八道」，脾氣暴躁，但他從未遇到過他不歡迎的擁抱或親吻。他給琳賽買了一輛蹩腳的車，把它修好了，在她把它弄壞後，他又給她買了一輛，也修好了那輛車，這樣她就不會覺得自己“白手起家”。我想過對媽媽、琳賽或媽媽發脾氣，以及爸爸為數不多的幾次表現出刻薄的性格，因為，正如他曾經告訴我的那樣，“衡量一個男人的標準是他如何對待家裡的女人。他的智慧來自經驗，來自他自己早先在善待家庭女性方面的失敗。

I stood up in that funeral home, resolved to tell everyone just how important he was. “I never had a dad,” I explained. “But Papaw was always there for me, and he taught me the things that men needed to know.” Then I spoke the sum of his influence on my life: “He was the best dad that anyone could ever ask for.”

我站在殯儀館里，決心告訴大家他有多重要。“我從來沒有爸爸，”我解釋道。“但爸爸總是在我身邊，他教我男人需要知道的事情。”然後我談到了他對我生活的影響：「他是任何人都能要求的最好的父親。

After the funeral, a number of people told me that they appreciated my bravery and courage. Mom was not among them, which struck me as odd. When I located her in the crowd, she seemed trapped in some sort of trance: saying little, even to those who approached her; her movements slow and her body slouched.

葬禮結束后，許多人告訴我，他們欣賞我的勇敢和勇氣。媽媽不在其中，這讓我感到很奇怪。當我在人群中找到她時，她似乎陷入了某種恍惚狀態：很少說話，甚至對那些接近她的人也是如此;她的動作很慢，身體也懶洋洋的。

Mamaw, too, seemed out of sorts. Kentucky was usually the one place where she was completely in her element. In Middletown, she could never truly be herself. At Perkins, our favorite breakfast spot, Mamaw’s mouth would sometimes earn a request from the manager that she keep her voice down or watch her language. “That fucker,” she’d mutter under her breath, chastened and uncomfortable. But at Bill’s Family Diner, the only restaurant in Jackson worth sitting down at for a meal, she’d scream at the kitchen staff to “hurry the hell up” and they’d laugh and say, “Okay, Bonnie.” Then she’d look at me and tell me, “You know I’m just fucking with them, right? They know I’m not a mean old bitch.”

媽媽似乎也有些不對勁。肯塔基州通常是她完全融入其中的一個地方。在米德爾敦，她永遠無法真正做自己。在我們最喜歡的早餐店珀金斯（Perkins），媽媽的嘴巴有時會得到經理的要求，要求她壓低聲音或注意自己的語言。“那個混蛋，”她低聲咕哝着，既懊惱又不舒服。但是在傑克遜唯一值得坐下來吃飯的餐廳比爾的家庭餐廳，她會對廚房工作人員大喊“快點”，他們會笑著說，“好吧，邦妮。然後她會看著我，告訴我，「你知道我只是在和他們做愛，對吧？他們知道我不是一個卑鄙的老婊子。

In Jackson, among old friends and real hillbillies, she needed no filter. At her brother’s funeral a few years earlier, Mamaw and her niece Denise convinced themselves that one of the pallbearers was a pervert, so they broke into his funeral home office and searched through his belongings. They found an extensive magazine collection, including a few issues of Beaver Hunt (a periodical that I can assure you has nothing to do with aquatic mammals). Mamaw found it hilarious. “Fucking Beaver Hunt!” she’d roar. “Who comes up with this shit?” She and Denise hatched a plot to take the magazines home and mail them to the pallbearer’s wife. After a short deliberation, she changed her mind. “With my luck,” she told me, “we’ll get in a crash on the way back to Ohio and the police will find these damned things in my trunk. I’ll be damned if I’m going to go out with everyone thinking I was a lesbian—and a perverted one at that!” So they threw the magazines away to “teach that pervert a lesson” and never spoke of it again. This side of Mamaw rarely showed itself outside of Jackson.

在傑克遜，在老朋友和真正的鄉巴佬中，她不需要濾鏡。幾年前，在她哥哥的葬禮上，媽媽和她的侄女丹妮絲說服自己，其中一名殯葬者是個，所以他們闖入了他的殯儀館辦公室，搜查了他的物品。他們發現了大量的雜誌收藏，包括幾期《海狸狩獵》（我可以向你保證與水生哺乳動物無關的期刊）。媽媽覺得這很搞笑。“該死的海狸狩獵！”她咆哮道。“誰想出這個狗屎？”她和丹妮絲策劃了一個陰謀，把雜誌帶回家，然後郵寄給蒼蠅的妻子。經過短暫的考慮，她改變了主意。“運氣好的話，”她告訴我，“我們會在回俄亥俄州的路上撞車，員警會在我的後備箱裡找到這些該死的東西。如果我要和所有人一起出去，認為我是女同性戀——而且是一個變態的人，我會被詛咒的！於是他們把雜誌扔掉，“給那個一個教訓”，從此再也沒有提起過這件事。媽媽的這一面很少在傑克遜之外出現。

Deaton’s funeral home in Jackson—where she’d stolen those Beaver Hunts—was organized like a church. In the center of the building was a main sanctuary flanked by larger rooms with couches and tables. On the other two sides were hallways with exits to a few smaller rooms—offices for staff, a tiny kitchen, and bathrooms. I’ve spent much of my life in that tiny funeral home, saying goodbye to aunts and uncles and cousins and great-grandparents. And whether she went to Deaton’s to bury an old friend, a brother, or her beloved mother, Mamaw greeted every guest, laughed loudly, and cursed proudly.

迪頓在傑克遜的殯儀館——她偷走了那些海狸狩獵——組織得像一座教堂。在建築物的中央是一個主要的避難所，兩側是帶沙發和桌子的較大房間。另外兩邊是走廊，出口通向幾個較小的房間——員工辦公室、小廚房和浴室。我一生中的大部分時間都在那個小小的殯儀館里度過，告別阿姨、叔叔、堂兄弟姐妹和曾祖父母。無論她去迪頓家埋葬老朋友、兄弟還是她心愛的母親，媽媽都會向每一位客人打招呼，放聲大笑，自豪地咒罵。

So it was a surprise to me when, during Papaw’s visitation, I went searching for comfort and found Mamaw alone in a corner of the funeral home, recharging batteries that I never knew could go empty. She stared blankly at the floor, her fire replaced with something unfamiliar. I knelt before her and laid my head in her lap and said nothing. At that moment, I realized that Mamaw was not invincible.

因此，在爸爸探望期間，我去尋找安慰，發現媽媽獨自一人在殯儀館的一個角落裡，為我從來不知道會耗盡的電池充電，這讓我感到驚訝。她茫然地盯著地板，她的火被一種陌生的東西所取代。我跪在她面前，把頭埋在她的腿上，什麼也沒說。那一刻，我意識到媽媽並不是無敵的。

In hindsight, it’s clear that there was more than grief to both Mamaw’s and Mom’s behavior. Lindsay, Matt, and Mamaw did their best to hide it from me. Mamaw forbade me to stay at Mom’s, under the ruse that Mamaw needed me with her as she grieved. Perhaps they hoped to give me a little space to mourn Papaw. I don’t know.

事後看來，很明顯，媽媽和媽媽的行為不僅僅是悲傷。Lindsay、Matt 和Mamaw盡力向我隱瞞。媽媽禁止我待在媽媽家，理由是媽媽在悲傷時需要我和她在一起。也許他們希望給我一點空間來哀悼爸爸。我不知道。

I didn’t see at first that something had veered off course. Papaw was dead, and everyone processed it differently. Lindsay spent a lot of time with her friends and was always on the move. I stayed as close to Mamaw as possible and read the Bible a lot. Mom slept more than usual, and I figured this was her way of coping. At home, she lacked even a modicum of temper control. Lindsay failed to do the dishes properly, or forgot to take out the dog, and Mom’s anger poured out: “My dad was the only one who really understood me!” she’d scream. “I’ve lost him, and you’re not making this any easier!” Mom had always had a temper, though, so I dismissed even this.

起初我沒有看到有什麼東西偏離了軌道。爸爸死了，每個人都以不同的方式處理它。琳賽花了很多時間和她的朋友在一起，而且總是在移動。我盡可能地靠近媽媽，經常讀聖經。媽媽睡得比平時多，我想這是她的應對方式。在家裡，她甚至缺乏一點脾氣控制。琳賽沒有把碗洗好，或者忘了把狗拿出來，媽媽的怒火傾瀉而出：“我爸爸是唯一一個真正理解我的人！”她會尖叫。“我把他弄丟了，你沒有讓這件事變得更容易！”不過，媽媽總是有脾氣，所以我甚至不屑一顧。

Mom seemed bothered that anyone but her was grieving. Aunt Wee’s grief was unjustified, because Mom and Papaw had a special bond. So, too, was Mamaw’s, for she didn’t even like Papaw and chose not to live under the same roof. Lindsay and I needed to get over ourselves, for it was Mom’s father, not ours, who had just died. The first indication that our lives were about to change came one morning when I woke and strolled over to Mom’s house, where I knew Lindsay and Mom were sleeping. I went first to Lindsay’s room, but she was asleep in my room instead. I knelt beside her, woke her up, and she hugged me tightly. After a little while, she said earnestly, “We’ll get through this, J.”—that was her nickname for me—“I promise.” I still have no idea why she slept in my room that night, but I would soon learn what she promised we’d get through.

媽媽似乎很煩惱，除了她之外，沒有人在悲傷。黃阿姨的悲傷是沒有道理的，因為媽媽和爸爸有一種特殊的紐帶。媽媽也是如此，因為她甚至不喜歡爸爸，選擇不住在同一個屋簷下。琳賽和我需要克服自己，因為剛剛去世的是媽媽的父親，而不是我們的父親。我們的生活即將改變的第一個跡象是一天早上，當我醒來並漫步到媽媽家時，我知道琳賽和媽媽正在睡覺。我先去了琳賽的房間，但她卻在我的房間里睡著了。我跪在她身邊，叫醒了她，她緊緊地抱住了我。過了一會兒，她認真地說：「我們會度過難關的，J。——那是她對我的昵稱——“我保證。我仍然不知道那天晚上她為什麼睡在我的房間里，但我很快就會知道她答應我們會度過難關的事情。

A few days after the funeral, I walked onto Mamaw’s front porch, looked down the street, and saw an incredible commotion. Mom was standing in a bath towel in her front yard, screaming at the only people who truly loved her: to Matt, “You’re a fucking loser nobody”; to Lindsay, “You’re a selfish bitch, he was my dad, not yours, so stop acting like you just lost your father”; to Tammy, her unbelievably kind friend who was secretly gay, “The only reason you act like my friend is because you want to fuck me.” I ran over and begged Mom to calm down, but by then a police cruiser was already on the scene. I arrived on the front porch as a police officer grabbed Mom’s shoulders and she collapsed on the ground, struggling and kicking. Then the officer grabbed Mom and carried her to the cruiser, and she fought the whole way. There was blood on the porch, and someone said that she had tried to cut her wrists. I don’t think the officer arrested her, though I don’t know what happened. Mamaw arrived on the scene and took Lindsay and me with her. I remember thinking that if Papaw were here, he would know what to do.

葬禮幾天後，我走到媽媽的前廊，往街上看，看到了令人難以置信的騷動。媽媽站在前院的浴巾里，對著唯一真正愛她的人大喊大叫：對馬特說，「你他媽的是個失敗者」;對琳賽說：「你是個自私的婊子，他是我爸爸，不是你的，所以不要再表現得像你剛剛失去了你的父親」;對她令人難以置信的善良朋友塔米說，“你表現得像我朋友的唯一原因是因為你想操我。我跑過去懇求媽媽冷靜下來，但那時一輛警車已經到了現場。我到達前廊時，一名員警抓住了媽媽的肩膀，她倒在地上，掙扎著踢著。然後軍官抓住媽媽，把她帶到巡洋艦上，她一路戰鬥。門廊上有血跡，有人說她曾試圖割腕。我不認為員警逮捕了她，儘管我不知道發生了什麼。媽媽趕到現場，帶走了琳賽和我。我記得我當時想，如果爸爸在這裡，他會知道該怎麼做。

Papaw’s death cast light upon something that had previously lurked in the shadows. Only a kid could have missed the writing on the wall, I suppose. A year earlier, Mom had lost her job at Middletown Hospital after Rollerblading through the emergency room. At the time I saw Mom’s bizarre behavior as the consequence of her divorce from Bob. Similarly, Mamaw’s occasional references to Mom “getting loaded” seemed like random comments of a woman known for her willingness to say anything, not a diagnosis of a deteriorating reality. Not long after Mom lost her job, during my trip to California, I heard from her just once. I had no idea that, behind the scenes, the adults—meaning Mamaw on the one hand and Uncle Jimmy and his wife, Aunt Donna, on the other—were debating whether I should move permanently to California.

爸爸的死照亮了以前潛伏在陰影中的東西。我想，只有孩子才會錯過牆上的文字。一年前，媽媽在急診室滑旱冰后失去了在米德爾敦醫院的工作。當時我看到媽媽的怪異行為是她與鮑勃離婚的結果。同樣，媽媽偶爾提到媽媽「滿載而歸」，這似乎是一個以願意說什麼而聞名的女人的隨意評論，而不是對不斷惡化的現實的診斷。媽媽失業後不久，在我去加利福尼亞旅行期間，我只收到過一次她的消息。我不知道，在幕後，大人們——一方面是媽媽，另一方面是吉米叔叔和他的妻子唐娜阿姨——正在爭論我是否應該永久搬到加利福尼亞。

Mom flailing and screaming in the street was the culmination of the things I hadn’t seen. She’d begun taking prescription narcotics not long after we moved to Preble County. I believe the problem started with a legitimate prescription, but soon enough, Mom was stealing from her patients and getting so high that turning an emergency room into a skating rink seemed like a good idea. Papaw’s death turned a semi-functioning addict into a woman unable to follow the basic norms of adult behavior.

媽媽在街上揮舞和尖叫是我從未見過的事情的高潮。在我們搬到普雷布爾縣后不久，她就開始服用處方麻醉劑。我相信問題始於合法的處方，但很快，媽媽就從她的病人那裡偷東西，並且變得如此之高，以至於將急診室變成溜冰場似乎是個好主意。爸爸的死把一個半功能的癮君子變成了一個無法遵循成人行為基本規範的女人。

In this way, Papaw’s death permanently altered the trajectory of our family. Before his death, I had settled into the chaotic but happy routine of splitting time between Mom’s and Mamaw’s. Boyfriends came and went, Mom had good days and bad, but I always had an escape route. With Papaw gone and Mom in rehab at the Cincinnati Center for Addiction Treatment—or “the CAT house,” as we called it—I began to feel myself a burden. Though she never said anything to make me feel unwanted, Mamaw’s life had been a constant struggle: From the poverty of the holler to Papaw’s abuse, from Aunt Wee’s teenage marriage to Mom’s rap sheet, Mamaw had spent the better part of her seven decades managing crises. And now, when most people her age were enjoying the fruits of retirement, she was raising two teenage grandchildren. Without Papaw to help her, that burden seemed twice as heavy. In the months after Papaw’s death, I remembered the woman I found in an isolated corner of Deaton’s funeral home and couldn’t shake the feeling that, no matter what aura of strength Mamaw projected, that other woman lived somewhere inside her.

就這樣，爸爸的死永久地改變了我們家庭的軌跡。在他去世之前，我已經習慣了在媽媽和媽媽之間分配時間的混亂但快樂的例行公事。男朋友來來去去，媽媽有好日子也有壞日子，但我總是有一條逃生路線。隨著爸爸的離去，媽媽在辛辛那提成癮治療中心（或我們稱之為“貓屋”）接受康復治療，我開始覺得自己是一個負擔。雖然她從來沒有說過任何讓我感到不受歡迎的話，但媽媽的生活一直是一場持續的掙扎：從吶喊的貧困到爸爸的虐待，從黃阿姨的十幾歲婚姻到媽媽的說唱表，媽媽在她七十年的大部分時間里都在處理危機。而現在，當她這個年紀的大多數人都在享受退休的果即時，她正在撫養兩個十幾歲的孫子。沒有爸爸的幫助，這個負擔似乎加倍沉重。在爸爸死後的幾個月里，我想起了我在迪頓殯儀館一個偏僻的角落裡找到的那個女人，我無法擺脫這種感覺，無論媽媽投射出什麼樣的力量光環，另一個女人都住在她體內的某個地方。

So instead of retreating to Mamaw’s house, or calling her every time problems arose with Mom, I relied on Lindsay and on myself. Lindsay was a recent high school graduate, and I had just started seventh grade, but we made it work. Sometimes Matt or Tammy brought us food, but we largely fended for ourselves: Hamburger Helper, TV dinners, Pop-Tarts, and breakfast cereal. I’m not sure who paid the bills (probably Mamaw). We didn’t have a lot of structure—Lindsay once came home from work to find me hanging out with a couple of her friends, all of us drunk—but in some ways we didn’t need it. When Lindsay learned that I got the beer from a friend of hers, she didn’t lose her cool or laugh at the indulgence; she kicked everyone out and then lectured me on substance abuse.

因此，我沒有退縮到媽媽家，也沒有在媽媽出現問題時都給她打電話，而是依靠琳賽和我自己。琳賽剛高中畢業，而我剛上七年級，但我們做到了。有時馬特或塔米會給我們帶來食物，但我們基本上自生自滅：漢堡包幫手、電視晚餐、流行餡餅和早餐麥片。我不確定誰付了帳單（可能是媽媽）。我們沒有太多的結構——有一次琳賽下班回家，發現我和她的幾個朋友一起出去玩，我們都喝醉了——但在某些方面我們不需要它。當琳賽得知我從她的一個朋友那裡得到啤酒時，她並沒有因為這種放縱而失去冷靜或嘲笑;她把所有人都趕了出去，然後給我講了藥物濫用的問題。

We saw Mamaw often, and she asked about us constantly. But we both enjoyed the independence, and I think we enjoyed the feeling that we burdened no one except perhaps each other. Lindsay and I had grown so good at managing crises, so emotionally stoic even as the very planet seemed to lose its cool, that taking care of ourselves seemed easy. No matter how much we loved Mom, our lives were easier with one less person to care for.

我們經常見到媽媽，她經常問我們。但我們倆都享受著這種獨立，我想我們很享受這種感覺，除了彼此之外，我們沒有給任何人帶來負擔。琳賽和我變得如此善於管理危機，即使這個星球似乎失去了冷靜，在情感上也如此堅忍，以至於照顧好自己似乎很容易。無論我們多麼愛媽媽，我們的生活都更輕鬆，少了一個需要照顧的人。

Did we struggle? Certainly. We received one letter from the school district informing us that I had collected so many unexcused absences that my parents might be summoned before the school or even prosecuted by the city. We found this letter hilarious: One of my parents had already faced a prosecution of sorts and hardly possessed any walking-around liberty, while the other was sufficiently off the grid that “summoning” him would require some serious detective work. We also found it frightening: Without a legal guardian around to sign the letter, we didn’t know what the hell to do. But as we had with other challenges, we improvised. Lindsay forged Mom’s signature, and the school district stopped sending letters home.

我們掙扎過嗎？當然。我們收到了一封來自學區的信，通知我們我收集了太多無故缺勤，我的父母可能會被傳喚到學校，甚至被市政府起訴。我們覺得這封信很搞笑：我的父母之一已經面臨某種起訴，幾乎沒有任何走動的自由，而另一個則完全脫離了電網，“召喚”他需要一些嚴肅的偵探工作。我們還發現這很可怕：沒有法定監護人在信上簽字，我們不知道該怎麼做。但正如我們面對其他挑戰一樣，我們即興發揮。琳賽偽造了媽媽的簽名，學區也停止了給家裡寄信。

On designated weekdays and weekends, we visited our mother at the CAT house. Between the hills of Kentucky, Mamaw and her guns, and Mom’s outbursts, I thought that I had seen it all. But Mom’s newest problem exposed me to the underworld of American addiction. Wednesdays were always dedicated to a group activity—some type of training for the family. All of the addicts and their families sat in a large room with each family assigned to an individual table, engaged in some discussion meant to teach us about addiction and its triggers. In one session, Mom explained that she used drugs to escape the stress of paying bills and to dull the pain of Papaw’s death. In another, Lindsay and I learned that standard sibling conflict made it more difficult for Mom to resist temptation.

在指定的工作日和周末，我們去貓家看望我們的母親。在肯塔基州的山丘之間，在媽媽和她的槍之間，在媽媽的爆發之間，我以為我已經看到了這一切。但媽媽的最新問題讓我接觸到了美國成癮的黑社會。星期三總是專門用於集體活動——某種類型的家庭培訓。所有的癮君子和他們的家人都坐在一個大房間里，每個家庭都被分配到一張單獨的桌子上，進行一些討論，旨在教我們關於成癮及其觸發因素的知識。在一次會議中，媽媽解釋說，她使用毒品來逃避支付帳單的壓力，並減輕爸爸死亡的痛苦。在另一篇文章中，琳賽和我瞭解到，標準的兄弟姐妹衝突使媽媽更難抗拒誘惑。

These sessions provoked little more than arguments and raw emotion, which I suppose was their purpose. On the nights when we sat in that giant hall with other families—all of whom were either black or Southern-accented whites like us—we heard screaming and fighting, children telling their parents that they hated them, sobbing parents begging forgiveness in one breath and then blaming their families in the next. It was there that I first heard Lindsay tell Mom how she resented having to play the caretaker in the wake of Papaw’s death instead of grieving for him, how she hated watching me grow attached to some boyfriend of Mom’s only to see him walk out on us. Perhaps it was the setting, or perhaps it was the fact that Lindsay was almost eighteen, but as my sister confronted my mother, I began to see my sister as the real adult. And our routine at home only enhanced her stature.

這些會議只引發了爭論和原始的情緒，我想這就是他們的目的。在那天晚上，當我們和其他家庭坐在那個巨大的大廳裡時——他們都是像我們一樣的黑人或南方口音的白人——我們聽到尖叫和打架，孩子們告訴他們的父母他們討厭他們，抽泣的父母一口氣乞求原諒，然後下一口氣責怪他們的家人。正是在那裡，我第一次聽到琳賽告訴媽媽，她多麼憎恨在爸爸去世后不得不扮演看護人，而不是為他悲傷，她多麼討厭看著我對媽媽的某個男朋友越來越依戀，卻看到他離開我們。也許是環境的原因，也許是琳賽快十八歲了，但當我姐姐面對我母親時，我開始把我姐姐視為真正的成年人。我們在家裡的例行公事只會提高她的身材。

Mom’s rehab proceeded apace, and her condition apparently improved with time. Sundays were designated as unstructured family time: We couldn’t take Mom off-site, but we were able to eat and watch TV and talk as normal. Sundays were usually happy, though Mom did angrily chide us during one visit because our relationship with Mamaw had grown too close. “I’m your mother, not her,” she told us. I realized that Mom had begun to regret the seeds she’d sown with Lindsay and me.

媽媽的康復進展迅速，隨著時間的推移，她的病情明顯好轉。星期天被指定為非結構化的家庭時間：我們不能帶媽媽離開現場，但我們可以像往常一樣吃飯、看電視和聊天。星期天通常很快樂，儘管媽媽在一次拜訪中生氣地責備了我們，因為我們和媽媽的關係變得太親密了。“我是你的母親，不是她，”她告訴我們。我意識到媽媽已經開始後悔她和琳賽和我一起播下的種子。

When Mom came home a few months later, she brought a new vocabulary along with her. She regularly recited the Serenity Prayer, a staple of addiction circles in which the faithful ask God for the “serenity to accept the things [they] cannot change.” Drug addiction was a disease, and just as I wouldn’t judge a cancer patient for a tumor, so I shouldn’t judge a narcotics addict for her behavior. At thirteen, I found this patently absurd, and Mom and I often argued over whether her newfound wisdom was scientific truth or an excuse for people whose decisions destroyed a family. Oddly enough, it’s probably both: Research does reveal a genetic disposition to substance abuse, but those who believe their addiction is a disease show less of an inclination to resist it. Mom was telling herself the truth, but the truth was not setting her free.

幾個月後，當媽媽回到家時，她帶來了一個新詞彙。她經常背誦寧靜祈禱文，這是成癮圈子的主要內容，信徒們在其中祈求上帝“平靜地接受[他們]無法改變的事情”。吸毒成癮是一種疾病，就像我不會因為腫瘤而評判癌症患者一樣，我也不應該因為吸毒成癮者的行為而評判她。十三歲時，我發現這顯然是荒謬的，媽媽和我經常爭論她新發現的智慧是科學真理，還是那些決定毀了家庭的人的藉口。奇怪的是，這可能是兩者兼而有之：研究確實揭示了藥物濫用的遺傳傾向，但那些認為自己的成癮是一種疾病的人表現出較少的抵抗傾向。媽媽告訴自己真相，但真相並沒有讓她自由。

I didn’t believe in any of the slogans or sentiments, but I did believe she was trying. Addiction treatment seemed to give Mom a sense of purpose, and it gave us something to bond over. I read what I could on her “disease” and even made a habit of attending some of her Narcotics Anonymous meetings, which proceeded precisely as you’d expect: a depressing conference room, a dozen or so chairs, and a bunch of strangers sitting in a circle, introducing themselves as “Bob, and I’m an addict.” I thought that if I participated, she might actually get better.

我不相信任何口號或情緒，但我確實相信她在努力。成癮治療似乎給了媽媽一種目標感，它給了我們一些可以聯繫的東西。我閱讀了關於她的“疾病”的文章，甚至養成了參加她的一些匿名麻醉品會議的習慣，這些會議的進行完全符合你的預期：一個令人沮喪的會議室，十幾把椅子，一群陌生人圍成一圈，介紹自己是“鮑勃，我是個癮君子。我想如果我參加，她可能會變得更好。

At one meeting a man walked in a few minutes late, smelling like a garbage can. His matted hair and dirty clothes evidenced a life on the streets, a truth he confirmed as soon as he opened his mouth. “My kids won’t speak to me; no one will,” he told us. “I scrounge together what money I can and spend it on smack. Tonight I couldn’t find any money or any smack, so I came in here because it looked warm.” The organizer asked if he’d be willing to try giving up the drugs for more than one night, and the man answered with admirable candor: “I could say yes, but honestly, probably not. I’ll probably be back at it tomorrow night.”

在一次會議上，一個男人遲到了幾分鐘，聞起來像垃圾桶。他亂蓬蓬的頭髮和髒兮兮的衣服證明了街頭生活，他一開口就證實了這個事實。“我的孩子不會和我說話;沒有人會，“他告訴我們。“我把我能賺到的錢都湊在一起，然後花在啪上。今晚我找不到錢，也找不到任何錢，所以我來到這裡，因為它看起來很暖和。召集人問他是否願意嘗試戒毒超過一晚，這名男子以令人欽佩的坦率回答：“我可以說是的，但老實說，可能不會。我明天晚上可能會回來。

I never saw that man again. Before he left, someone did ask him where he was from. “Well, I’ve lived here in Hamilton for most of my life. But I was born down in eastern Kentucky, Owsley County.” At the time, I didn’t know enough about Kentucky geography to tell the man that he had been born no more than twenty miles from my grandparents’ childhood home.

我再也沒有見過那個人。在他離開之前，確實有人問他來自哪裡。“嗯，我一生中的大部分時間都住在漢密爾頓。但我出生在肯塔基州東部的歐斯利縣。當時，我對肯塔基州的地理了解還不夠，無法告訴那個人，他出生在離我祖父母童年的家不超過二十英里的地方。