西班牙文化之旅

Chapter 6

第 6 章

One of the questions I loathed, and that adults always asked, was whether I had any brothers or sisters. When you’re a kid, you can’t wave your hand, say, “It’s complicated,” and move on. And unless you’re a particularly capable sociopath, dishonesty can only take you so far. So, for a time, I dutifully answered, walking people through the tangled web of familial relationships that I’d grown accustomed to. I had a biological half brother and half sister whom I never saw because my biological father had given me up for adoption. I had many stepbrothers and stepsisters by one measure, but only two if you limited the tally to the offspring of Mom’s husband of the moment. Then there was my biological dad’s wife, and she had at least one kid, so maybe I should count him, too. Sometimes I’d wax philosophical about the meaning of the word “sibling”: Are the children of your mom’s previous husbands still related to you? If so, what about the future children of your mom’s previous husbands? By some metrics, I probably had about a dozen stepsiblings.

我討厭的問題之一，也是大人們經常問的問題，是我是否有兄弟姐妹。當你還是個孩子的時候，你不能揮揮手，說“這很複雜”，然後繼續前進。除非你是一個特別有能力的反社會者，否則不誠實只能讓你走得更遠。所以，有一段時間，我盡職盡責地回答，帶領人們穿過我已經習慣的錯綜複雜的家庭關係網路。我有一個同父異母的兄弟姐妹，我從未見過他們，因為我的親生父親放棄了我。我有很多繼兄弟和繼姐妹，但如果你把這個數位限制在媽媽丈夫的後代上，那就只有兩個了。然後是我親生父親的妻子，她至少有一個孩子，所以也許我也應該把他算在內。有時會對「兄弟姐妹」這個詞的含義進行哲學思考：媽前夫的孩子和你還有親戚關係嗎？如果是這樣，媽前夫的未來孩子呢？從某些指標來看，我可能有十幾個繼兄弟姐妹。

There was one person for whom the term “sibling” definitely applied: my sister, Lindsay. If any adjective ever preceded her introduction, it was always one of pride: “my full sister, Lindsay”; “my whole sister, Lindsay”; “my big sister, Lindsay.” Lindsay was (and remains) the person I was proudest to know. The moment I learned that “half sister” had nothing to do with my affections and everything to do with the genetic nature of our relationship—that Lindsay, by virtue of having a different father, was just as much my half sister as people I’d never seen—remains one of the most devastating moments of my life. Mamaw told me this nonchalantly as I exited the shower one night before bedtime, and I screamed and wailed as if I’d just learned that my dog had died. I calmed down only after Mamaw relented and agreed that henceforth no one would ever refer to Lindsay as my “half sister” again.

有一個人，“兄弟姐妹”這個詞絕對適用於他：我的妹妹琳賽。如果說在她介紹之前有任何形容詞，那總是一個驕傲：“我全妹妹，琳賽”;“我的妹妹，琳賽”;“我的大姐姐，琳賽。”琳賽曾經是（現在仍然是）我最自豪的人。當我得知“同父異母的妹妹”與我的感情無關，而與我們關係的遺傳性質有關的那一刻——琳賽，由於父親不同，就像我從未見過的人一樣是我同父異母的妹妹——仍然是我生命中最具破壞性的時刻之一。一天晚上，當我睡前從淋浴間出來時，媽媽漫不經心地告訴我，我尖叫著哀嚎著，好像我剛剛得知我的狗死了一樣。直到媽媽心軟並同意從今以後沒有人再稱琳賽為我的“同父異母的妹妹”後，我才冷靜下來。

Lindsay Leigh was five years older than I was, born just two months after Mom graduated from high school. I was obsessed with her, both in the way that all children adore their older siblings and in a way that was unique to our circumstances. Her heroism on my behalf was the stuff of legend. One time after she and I argued over a soft pretzel, leading Mom to drop me off in an empty parking lot to show Lindsay what life without me would look like, it was my sister’s fit of sorrow and rage that brought Mom back immediately. During explosive fights between Mom and whatever man she let into our home, it was Lindsay who withdrew to her bedroom to place a rescue call to Mamaw and Papaw. She fed me when I was hungry, changed my diaper when no one else did, and dragged me everywhere with her—even though, Mamaw and Aunt Wee told me, I weighed nearly as much as she did.

Lindsay Leigh 比我大五歲，在媽媽高中畢業兩個月後出生。我對她很著迷，無論是所有孩子都崇拜他們的哥哥姐姐的方式，還是我們環境所獨有的方式。她為我做的英雄事蹟堪稱傳奇。有一次，她和我為一個軟椒鹽卷餅吵架，導致媽媽把我送到一個空蕩蕩的停車場，向琳賽展示沒有我的生活會是什麼樣子，是我姐姐的悲傷和憤怒讓媽媽立即回來了。在媽媽和她允許進入我們家的任何男人之間的激烈爭吵中，是琳賽退到她的臥室，向媽媽和爸爸打報了救援電話。她趁我餓的時候餵我吃飯，趁別人不換尿布的時候給我換尿布，還拖著我到處走——儘管媽媽和黃阿姨告訴我，我的體重幾乎和她一樣重。

I always saw her as more adult than child. She never expressed her displeasure at her teenage boyfriends by storming off and slamming doors. When Mom worked late nights or otherwise didn’t make it home, Lindsay ensured that we had something for dinner. I annoyed her, like all little brothers annoy their sisters, but she never yelled at me, screamed at me, or made me afraid of her. In one of my most shameful moments, I wrestled Lindsay to the ground for reasons I don’t remember. I was ten or eleven, which would have made her about fifteen, and though I realized then that I’d outgrown her in terms of strength, I continued to think there was nothing childlike about her. She was above it all, the “one true adult in the house,” as Papaw would say, and my first line of defense, even before Mamaw. She made dinner when she had to, did the laundry when no one else did, and rescued me from the backseat of that police cruiser. I depended on her so completely that I didn’t see Lindsay for what she was: a young girl, not yet old enough to drive a car, learning to fend for herself and her little brother at the same time.

我一直認為她比孩子更像成年人。她從不通過衝出去和砰的一聲關上門來表達對她十幾歲的男朋友的不滿。當媽媽工作到深夜或無法回家時，琳賽會確保我們有東西吃晚飯。我惹惱了她，就像所有的小弟弟惹惱了他們的妹妹一樣，但她從不對我大吼大叫，對我尖叫，或者讓我害怕她。在我最羞愧的時刻之一，我把琳賽摔倒在地，原因我不記得了。我當時十歲或十一歲，這本來可以讓她十五歲左右，雖然我當時意識到我在力量方面已經超過了她，但我仍然認為她沒有什麼孩子氣。她高於一切，正如爸爸所說，她是“家裡一個真正的成年人”，也是我的第一道防線，甚至在媽媽之前。她必要的時候做晚飯，沒人洗衣服的時候洗衣服，把我從那輛警車的後座上救了出來。我完全依賴她，以至於我沒有看到琳賽的本來面目：一個年輕的女孩，還沒有到開車的年齡，同時學會照顧自己和她的弟弟。

That began to change the day our family decided to give Lindsay a shot at her dreams. Lindsay had always been a beautiful girl. When my friends and I ranked the world’s prettiest girls, I listed Lindsay first, just ahead of Demi Moore and Pam Anderson. Lindsay had learned of a modeling recruitment event at a Dayton hotel, so Mom, Mamaw, Lindsay, and I piled into Mamaw’s Buick and headed north. Lindsay was bursting with excitement, and I was, too. This was going to be her big break and, by extension, our whole family’s.

當我們的家人決定讓Lindsay嘗試實現她的夢想的那一天，情況開始改變。琳賽一直是個漂亮的女孩。當我和我的朋友們對世界上最漂亮的女孩進行排名時，我把琳賽排在第一位，排在黛米·摩爾和帕姆·安德森之前。琳賽聽說代頓一家酒店有一場模特招聘活動，於是媽媽、媽媽、琳賽和我擠進媽媽的別克車，向北走去。琳賽興奮不已，我也是。這將是她的重大突破，進而也是我們全家的重大突破。

When we arrived at the hotel, a lady instructed us to follow signs to a giant ballroom and wait in line. The ballroom was perfectly tacky in that 1970s sort of way: ugly carpet, big chandeliers, and lighting just bright enough to prevent you from stumbling over your own feet. I wondered how any talent agent could ever appreciate my sister’s beauty. It was too damned dark.

當我們到達酒店時，一位女士指示我們按照指示牌前往一個巨大的宴會廳並排隊等候。宴會廳在1970年代非常俗氣：醜陋的地毯，大吊燈，燈光足夠明亮，可以防止你絆倒自己的腳。我想知道任何藝人經紀人怎麼會欣賞我姐姐的美麗。太黑了。

Eventually we reached the front of the line, and the talent agent seemed optimistic about my sister. She said something about how cute she was and told her to go wait in another room. Surprisingly, she said that I was model material, too, and asked if I’d like to follow my sister and hear about our next step. I agreed enthusiastically.

最終，我們到達了隊伍的最前面，人才經紀人似乎對我妹妹很看好。她說她有多可愛，並告訴她去另一個房間等。出乎意料的是，她說我也是模特材料，並問我是否願意跟隨我姐姐，聽聽我們的下一步。我欣然同意。

After a little while in the holding room, Lindsay and I and the other selectees learned that we had made it to the next round, but another trial awaited us in New York City. The agency employees gave us brochures with more information and told us that we needed to RSVP within the next few weeks. On the way home, Lindsay and I were ecstatic. We were going to New York City to become famous models.

在拘留室里呆了一會兒後，琳賽和我以及其他被選中的人得知我們已經進入了下一輪，但另一場審判在紐約市等待著我們。該機構的員工給了我們摺頁冊，其中包含更多資訊，並告訴我們需要在接下來的幾周內回復。在回家的路上，琳賽和我欣喜若狂。我們要去紐約成為著名的模特。

The fee for traveling to New York was hefty, and if someone had really wanted us as models, they likely would have paid for our audition. In hindsight, the cursory treatment they gave each individual—each “audition” was no longer than a few-sentence conversation—suggests that the whole event was more scam than talent search. But I don’t know: Model audition protocol has never been my area of expertise.

去紐約的旅行費用很高，如果有人真的想讓我們當模特，他們很可能會為我們的試鏡買單。事後看來，他們給每個人的粗略對待——每次「試鏡」都不超過幾句話的對話——表明整個活動與其說是人才搜索，不如說是騙局。但我不知道：模特試鏡協定從來都不是我的專業領域。

What I do know is that our exuberance didn’t survive the car ride. Mom began to worry aloud about the cost of the trip, causing Lindsay and me to bicker about which one of us should go (no doubt I was being a brat). Mom became progressively angrier and then snapped. What happened next was no surprise: There was a lot of screaming, some punching and driving, and then a stopped car on the side of the road, full of two sobbing kids. Mamaw intervened before things got out of hand, but it’s a miracle we didn’t crash and die: Mom driving and slapping the kids in the backseat; Mamaw on the passenger side, slapping and screaming at Mom. That was why the car stopped—though Mom was a multitasker, this was too much. We drove home in silence after Mamaw explained that if Mom lost her temper again, Mamaw would shoot her in the face. That night we stayed at Mamaw’s house.

我所知道的是，我們的繁榮並沒有在乘車中倖存下來。媽媽開始大聲擔心旅行的費用，導致林賽和我為我們中的哪一個應該去而爭吵（毫無疑問，我是個小子）。媽媽越來越生氣，然後啪。接下來發生的事情並不令人驚訝：有很多尖叫聲，一些拳打腳踢和開車，然後一輛停在路邊的汽車，裡面裝滿了兩個哭泣的孩子。媽媽在事情失控之前進行了干預，但我們沒有撞車和死亡是一個奇跡：媽媽開車並拍打後座上的孩子們;媽媽在乘客一側，對媽媽拍打和尖叫。這就是車子停下來的原因——雖然媽媽是一個多任務處理者，但這實在是太過分了。我們默默地開車回家，媽媽解釋說，如果媽媽再發脾氣，媽媽會朝她的臉開槍。那天晚上，我們住在媽媽家。

I’ll never forget Lindsay’s face as she marched upstairs to bed. It wore the pain of a defeat known by only a person who experiences the highest high and the lowest low in a matter of minutes. She had been on the cusp of achieving a childhood dream; now she was just another teenage girl with a broken heart. Mamaw turned to retire to her couch, where she would watch Law & Order, read the Bible, and fall asleep. I stood in the narrow walkway that separated the living room from the dining room and asked Mamaw a question that had been on my mind since she ordered Mom to drive us home safely. I knew what she’d say, but I guess I just wanted reassurance. “Mamaw, does God love us?” She hung her head, gave me a hug, and began to cry.

我永遠不會忘記琳賽上樓睡覺時的表情。它承受著失敗的痛苦，只有那些在幾分鐘內經歷過最高點和最低點的人才能知道。她正處於實現兒時夢想的風口浪尖;現在，她只是另一個心碎的少女。嬤嬤轉身回到沙發上，在那裡她會看《法律與秩序》，讀聖經，然後入睡。我站在隔開客廳和餐廳的狹窄走道上，問了媽媽一個問題，自從她命令媽媽開車送我們回家以來，我一直在想這個問題。我知道她會說什麼，但我想我只是想得到安慰。“媽媽，上帝愛我們嗎？”她垂下頭，給了我一個擁抱，然後開始哭泣。

The question wounded Mamaw because the Christian faith stood at the center of our lives, especially hers. We never went to church, except on rare occasions in Kentucky or when Mom decided that what we needed in our lives was religion. Nevertheless, Mamaw’s was a deeply personal (albeit quirky) faith. She couldn’t say “organized religion” without contempt. She saw churches as breeding grounds for perverts and money changers. And she hated what she called “the loud and proud”—people who wore their faith on their sleeve, always ready to let you know how pious they were. Still, she sent much of her spare income to churches in Jackson, Kentucky, especially those controlled by Reverend Donald Ison, an older man who bore a striking resemblance to the priest from The Exorcist.

這個問題傷害了媽媽，因為基督教信仰是我們生活的中心，尤其是她的生活。我們從不去教堂，除了在肯塔基州的極少數情況下，或者當媽媽決定我們生活中需要的是宗教時。儘管如此，Mamaw的信仰卻是個人化的（儘管很古怪）。她不能不輕蔑地說“有組織的宗教”。她認為教會是變態和貨幣兌換商的溫床。她討厭她所謂的「大聲而驕傲的人」——那些把信仰戴在袖子上的人，隨時準備讓你知道他們有多虔誠。儘管如此，她還是把大部分閑暇收入捐給了肯塔基州傑克遜的教堂，尤其是那些由唐納德·伊森牧師控制的教堂，唐納德·伊森是一位年長的老人，與《驅魔人》中的牧師有著驚人的相似之處。

By Mamaw’s reckoning, God never left our side. He celebrated with us when times were good and comforted us when they weren’t. During one of our many trips to Kentucky, Mamaw was trying to merge onto the highway after a brief stop for gas. She didn’t pay attention to the signs, so we found ourselves headed the wrong way on a one-way exit ramp with angry motorists swerving out of our way. I was screaming in terror, but after a U-turn on a three-lane interstate, the only thing Mamaw said about the incident was “We’re fine, goddammit. Don’t you know Jesus rides in the car with me?”

根據媽媽的估計，上帝從未離開過我們身邊。當情況好時，他會和我們一起慶祝，當情況不好時，他會安慰我們。在我們去肯塔基州的多次旅行中，Mamaw 在短暫停下來加油后試圖併入高速公路。她沒有注意標誌，所以我們發現自己在一個單向出口匝道上走錯了路，憤怒的駕駛者轉向了我們。我驚恐地尖叫著，但在一條三車道的州際公路上掉頭後，媽媽對這件事說的唯一一句話就是“我們很好，該死的。難道你不知道耶穌和我一起坐車嗎？

The theology she taught was unsophisticated, but it provided a message I needed to hear. To coast through life was to squander my God-given talent, so I had to work hard. I had to take care of my family because Christian duty demanded it. I needed to forgive, not just for my mother’s sake but for my own. I should never despair, for God had a plan.

她所教授的神學並不複雜，但它提供了我需要聽到的資訊。在生活中滑行就是浪費我上帝賜予的天賦，所以我必須努力工作。我必須照顧我的家人，因為基督徒的責任要求我這樣做。我需要原諒，不僅是為了我母親，也是為了我自己。我永遠不應該絕望，因為上帝有一個計劃。

Mamaw often told a parable: A young man was sitting at home when a terrible rainstorm began. Within hours, the man’s house began to flood, and someone came to his door offering a ride to higher ground. The man declined, saying, “God will take care of me.” A few hours later, as the waters engulfed the first floor of the man’s home, a boat passed by, and the captain offered to take the man to safety. The man declined, saying, “God will take care of me.” A few hours after that, as the man waited on his roof—his entire home flooded—a helicopter flew by, and the pilot offered transportation to dry land. Again the man declined, telling the pilot that God would care for him. Soon thereafter, the waters overcame the man, and as he stood before God in heaven, he protested his fate: “You promised that you’d help me so long as I was faithful.” God replied, “I sent you a car, a boat, and a helicopter. Your death is your own fault.” God helps those who help themselves. This was the wisdom of the Book of Mamaw.

媽媽經常講一個比喻：當一場可怕的暴雨開始時，一個年輕人正坐在家裡。幾個小時后，這名男子的房子開始被洪水淹沒，有人來到他家門口，提出搭車去地勢較高的地方。那人拒絕了，說：“上帝會照顧我的。幾個小時后，當海水吞沒了該男子家的一樓時，一艘船經過，船長提出將該男子帶到安全地帶。那人拒絕了，說：“上帝會照顧我的。幾個小時后，當這名男子在屋頂上等待時——他的整個房子都被淹沒了——一架直升機飛過，飛行員提供了前往旱地的交通工具。那人再次拒絕了，告訴飛行員上帝會照顧他。不久之後，水淹沒了這個人，當他站在天上的上帝面前時，他抗議自己的命運：“你答應過，只要我忠心，你就會説明我。上帝回答說：“我給你送了一輛車、一艘船和一架直升機。你的死是你自己的錯。上帝説明那些説明自己的人。這就是《媽媽之書》的智慧。

The fallen world described by the Christian religion matched the world I saw around me: one where a happy car ride could quickly turn to misery, one where individual misconduct rippled across a family’s and a community’s life. When I asked Mamaw if God loved us, I asked her to reassure me that this religion of ours could still make sense of the world we lived in. I needed reassurance of some deeper justice, some cadence or rhythm that lurked beneath the heartache and chaos.

基督教所描述的墮落世界與我周圍所看到的世界相吻合：一個快樂的汽車之旅可能很快變成痛苦的世界，一個個人的不當行為在家庭和社區生活中漣漪的世界。當我問媽媽是否愛我們時，我請她向我保證，我們的宗教仍然可以理解我們生活的世界。我需要一些更深層次的正義的保證，一些潛伏在心痛和混亂之下的節奏或節奏。

Not long after Lindsay’s childhood modeling dream went up in flames, I was in Jackson with Mamaw and my cousin Gail on August 2, my eleventh birthday. Late in the afternoon, Mamaw advised me to call Bob—still my legal father—because I hadn’t heard from him yet. After we moved back to Middletown, he and Mom divorced, so it wasn’t surprising that he rarely got in touch. But my birthday was obviously special, and I found it odd that he hadn’t called. So I phoned and got the answering machine. A few hours later, I phoned once more with the same result, and I knew instinctively that I would never see Bob again.

在琳賽兒時的模特夢想付諸東流后不久，8月2日，也就是我11歲生日那天，我和媽媽以及我的表弟蓋爾一起在傑克遜。下午晚些時候，媽媽建議我打電話給鮑勃——仍然是我的合法父親——因為我還沒有收到他的消息。我們搬回米德爾敦后，他和媽媽離婚了，所以他很少聯繫也就不足為奇了。但我的生日顯然很特別，我覺得他沒有打電話很奇怪。於是我打了電話，拿到了答錄機。幾個小時后，我再次打電話，結果是一樣的，我本能地知道我再也見不到鮑勃了。

Either because she felt bad for me or because she knew I loved dogs, Gail took me to the local pet store, where a brand-new litter of German shepherd puppies was on display. I desperately wanted one and had just enough birthday money to make the purchase. Gail reminded me that dogs were a lot of work and that my family (read: my mother) had a terrible history of getting dogs and then giving them away. When wisdom fell on deaf ears—“You’re probably right, Gail, but they’re soooo cute!”—authority kicked in: “Honey, I’m sorry, but I’m not letting you buy this dog.” By the time we returned to Mamaw Blanton’s house, I was more upset about the dog than about losing father number two.

也許是因為她為我感到難過，或者因為她知道我喜歡狗，蓋爾帶我去了當地的寵物店，那裡陳列著一窩全新的德國牧羊犬幼犬。我迫切地想要一個，並且有足夠的生日錢來購買。蓋爾提醒我，養狗是一項艱巨的工作，我的家人（讀作：我的母親）有一段可怕的歷史，那就是養狗然後送人。當智慧被置若罔聞時——“你可能是對的，蓋爾，但他們太可愛了！——權威開始：“親愛的，對不起，我不讓你買這隻狗。當我們回到布蘭頓媽媽的家時，我對這隻狗的難過多於失去二號父親。

I cared less about the fact that Bob was gone than about the disruption his departure would inevitably cause. He was just the latest casualty in a long line of failed paternal candidates. There was Steve, a soft-spoken man with a temperament to match. I used to pray that Mom would marry Steve because he was nice and had a good job. But they broke up, and she moved on to Chip, a local police officer. Chip was kind of a hillbilly himself: He loved cheap beer, country music, and catfish fishing, and we got along well until he, too, was gone.

我關心的不是鮑勃離開的事實，而是他的離開將不可避免地造成的破壞。他只是一長串失敗的父親候選人中的最新受害者。還有史蒂夫，一個說話輕聲細語的男人，氣質與之相匹配。我曾經祈禱媽媽能嫁給史蒂夫，因為他很好，有一份好工作。但是他們分手了，她轉而去找當地員警奇普。奇普本人有點像個鄉巴佬：他喜歡便宜的啤酒、鄉村音樂和釣鯰魚，我們相處得很好，直到他也走了。

One of the worst parts, honestly, was that Bob’s departure would further complicate the tangled web of last names in our family. Lindsay was a Lewis (her dad’s last name), Mom took the last name of whichever husband she was married to, Mamaw and Papaw were Vances, and all of Mamaw’s brothers were Blantons. I shared a name with no one I really cared about (which bothered me already), and with Bob gone, explaining why my name was J.D. Hamel would require a few additional awkward moments. “Yeah, my legal father’s last name is Hamel. You haven’t met him because I don’t see him. No, I don’t know why I don’t see him.”

老實說，最糟糕的部分之一是鮑勃的離開將使我們家族中錯綜複雜的姓氏網路進一步複雜化。琳賽是路易斯（她爸爸的姓氏），媽媽隨她嫁給哪個丈夫的姓氏，媽媽和爸爸是萬斯，媽媽的所有兄弟都是布蘭頓。我沒有和我真正關心的人共用一個名字（這已經困擾了我），隨著鮑勃的離開，解釋為什麼我的名字是 JD Hamel需要一些額外的尷尬時刻。“是的，我合法父親的姓氏是哈梅爾。你沒有見過他，因為我沒有看到他。不，我不知道為什麼我看不到他。

Of all the things that I hated about my childhood, nothing compared to the revolving door of father figures. To her credit, Mom had avoided abusive or neglectful partners, and I never felt mistreated by any of the men she brought into our home. But I hated the disruption. And I hated how often these boyfriends would walk out of my life just as I’d begun to like them. Lindsay, with the benefit of age and wisdom, viewed all of the men skeptically. She knew that at some point they’d be gone. With Bob’s departure, I had learned the same lesson.

在我童年討厭的所有事情中，沒有什麼能比得上父親形象的旋轉門。值得稱讚的是，媽媽避開了虐待或忽視的伴侶，我從未感到被她帶到我們家的任何男人虐待過。但我討厭這種破壞。我討厭這些男朋友在我開始喜歡他們的時候經常離開我的生活。琳賽憑藉年齡和智慧，對所有的人都持懷疑態度。她知道在某個時候他們會離開。隨著鮑勃的離開，我吸取了同樣的教訓。

Mom brought these men into our lives for the right reasons. She often wondered aloud whether Chip or Bob or Steve made good “father figures.” She would say: “He takes you fishing, which is really good” or “It’s important to learn something about masculinity from someone closer to your age.” When I heard her screaming at one of them, or weeping on the floor after an especially intense argument, or when I saw her mired in despair after a breakup, I felt guilty that she was going through this for my sake. After all, I thought, Papaw was plenty good as a father figure. I promised her after each breakup that we would be okay or that we’d get over this together or (echoing Mamaw) that we didn’t need any damned men. I know Mom’s motives were not entirely selfless: She (like all of us) was motivated by the desire for love and companionship. But she was looking out for us, too.

媽媽把這些人帶進我們的生活是有正當理由的。她經常大聲地想知道奇普、鮑勃或史蒂夫是否是很好的“父親形象”。她會說：“他帶你去釣魚，這真的很好”或“從與你年齡相仿的人那裡學到一些關於男子氣概的知識很重要。當我聽到她對其中一個人尖叫，或者在特別激烈的爭吵后在地板上哭泣，或者當我看到她在分手後陷入絕望時，我感到內疚，因為她是為了我而經歷這一切。畢竟，我想，爸爸作為一個父親的形象已經足夠好了。每次分手後，我都答應她，我們會沒事的，或者我們會一起度過難關，或者（呼應媽媽）我們不需要任何該死的男人。我知道媽媽的動機並非完全無私：她（和我們所有人一樣）的動機是對愛和陪伴的渴望。但她也在照顧我們。

The road to hell, however, is paved with good intentions. Caught between various dad candidates, Lindsay and I never learned how a man should treat a woman. Chip may have taught me how to tie a fishing hook, but I learned little else about what masculinity required of me other than drinking beer and screaming at a woman when she screamed at you. In the end, the only lesson that took was that you can’t depend on people. “I learned that men will disappear at the drop of a hat,” Lindsay once said. “They don’t care about their kids; they don’t provide; they just disappear, and it’s not that hard to make them go.”

然而，通往地獄的道路是用善意鋪就的。夾在不同的爸爸候選人之間，琳賽和我從未學會男人應該如何對待女人。奇普可能教過我如何系魚鉤，但除了喝啤酒和在女人對你尖叫時對她大喊大叫之外，我對男子氣概的要求知之甚少。最後，唯一的教訓是你不能依賴人。“我瞭解到，男人會一頂帽子就消失了，”琳賽曾經說過。“他們不關心自己的孩子;他們不提供;他們只是消失了，讓他們離開並不難。

Mom perhaps sensed that Bob was regretting his decision to take on an additional child, because one day she called me into the living room to speak on the phone with Don Bowman, my biological father. It was a short but memorable conversation. He asked if I remembered wanting to have a farm with horses and cows and chickens, and I answered that I did. He asked if I remembered my siblings—Cory and Chelsea—and I did a little bit, so I said, “Kind of.” He asked if I’d like to see him again.

媽媽也許感覺到鮑勃後悔他決定再生一個孩子，因為有一天她把我叫到客廳，和我的親生父親唐·鮑曼通電話。這是一次簡短但令人難忘的談話。他問我是否記得想要一個養馬、牛和雞的農場，我回答說我有。他問我是否記得我的兄弟姐妹——科里和切爾西——我有點記得，所以我說，“有點。他問我是否願意再見到他。

I knew little about my biological father and barely recalled my life before Bob adopted me. I knew that Don had abandoned me because he didn’t want to pay child support (or so Mom said). I knew that he was married to a woman named Cheryl, that he was tall, and that people thought I looked like him. And I knew that he was, in Mamaw’s words, a “Holy Roller.” That was the word she used for charismatic Christians who, she claimed, “handled snakes and screamed and wailed in church.” This was enough to pique my curiosity: With little religious training, I was desperate for some exposure to a real church. I asked Mom if I could see him, and she agreed, so in the same summer that my legal father walked out of my life, my biological one walked back in. Mom had come full circle: Having cycled through a number of men in an effort to find me a father, she had settled on the original candidate.

我對我的親生父親知之甚少，在鮑勃收養我之前，我幾乎不記得我的生活。我知道唐拋棄了我，因為他不想支付子女撫養費（或者媽媽是這麼說的）。我知道他娶了一個名叫謝麗爾的女人，他個子很高，人們認為我長得像他。我知道，用媽媽的話說，他是一個“神聖的滾輪”。她聲稱，這是她用來形容有魅力的基督徒的詞，他們“在教堂裡處理蛇，尖叫和哀號”。這足以激起我的好奇心：由於幾乎沒有受過宗教訓練，我迫切希望接觸一個真正的教會。我問媽媽能不能見他，她同意了，所以在我合法的父親離開我生活的同一個夏天，我的親生父親又走了進來。媽媽兜了一圈：為了找我找一個爸爸，她試圖輾試了好幾個男人，她選擇了最初的候選人。

Don Bowman had much more in common with Mom’s side of the family than I expected. His father (and my grandfather), Don C. Bowman, also migrated from eastern Kentucky to southwest Ohio for work. After marrying and starting a family, my grandfather Bowman died suddenly, leaving behind two small children and a young wife. My grandmother remarried, and Dad spent much of his childhood in eastern Kentucky with his grandparents.

唐·鮑曼（Don Bowman）與媽媽的家庭共同點比我預期的要多得多。他的父親（也是我的祖父）唐·鮑曼（Don C. Bowman）也從肯塔基州東部移民到俄亥俄州西南部工作。結婚成家後，我的祖父鮑曼突然去世，留下了兩個年幼的孩子和一個年輕的妻子。我的祖母再婚了，爸爸的童年大部分時間都在肯塔基州東部和他的祖父母一起度過。

More than any other person, Dad understood what Kentucky meant to me, because it meant the same thing to him. His mom remarried early, and though her second husband was a good man, he was also very firm and an outsider—even the best stepparents take some getting used to. In Kentucky, among his people and with plenty of space, Dad could be himself. I felt the same way. There were two kinds of people: those whom I’d behave around because I wanted to impress them and those whom I’d behave around to avoid embarrassing myself. The latter people were outsiders, and Kentucky had none of them.

爸爸比任何人都更瞭解肯塔基州對我的意義，因為這對他來說意味著同樣的事情。他的母親很早就再婚了，雖然她的第二任丈夫是個好人，但他也非常堅定，是個局外人——即使是最好的繼父母也需要一些時間來適應。在肯塔基州，在他的人民中，有足夠的空間，爸爸可以做他自己。我也有同感。有兩種人：一種是我想給他們留下深刻印象而表現在身邊的人，另一種是我會為了避免讓自己尷尬而表現的人。後者是局外人，肯塔基州沒有他們。

In many ways, Dad’s life project was rebuilding for himself what he once had in Kentucky. When I first visited him, Dad had a modest house on a beautiful plot of land, fourteen acres in total. There was a medium-sized pond stocked with fish, a couple of fields for cows and horses, a barn, and a chicken coop. Every morning the kids would run to the chicken coop and grab the morning’s haul of eggs—usually seven or eight, a perfect number for a family of five. During the day, we capered around the property with a dog in tow, caught frogs, and chased rabbits. It was exactly what Dad had done as a child, and exactly what I did with Mamaw in Kentucky.

在許多方面，爸爸的人生計劃是為自己重建他曾經在肯塔基州擁有的東西。當我第一次拜訪他時，爸爸在一塊美麗的土地上有一棟簡陋的房子，總共有十四英畝。有一個放養魚的中等大小的池塘，幾塊牛和馬的田地，一個穀倉和一個雞舍。每天早上，孩子們都會跑到雞舍里，搶一上午的雞蛋——通常是七八個，對於一個五口之家來說是一個完美的數位。白天，我們拖著一隻狗在酒店周圍閒逛，抓青蛙，追逐兔子。這正是爸爸小時候所做的事情，也是我在肯塔基州對媽媽所做的事情。

I remember running through a field with Dad’s collie, Dannie, a beautiful, bedraggled creature so gentle that he once caught a baby rabbit and carried it in his mouth, unharmed, to a human for inspection. I have no idea why I was running, but we both collapsed from exhaustion and lay in the grass, Dannie’s head on my chest and my eyes staring at the blue sky. I don’t know that I had ever felt so content, so completely unworried about life and its stresses.

我記得我和爸爸的牧羊犬丹尼一起在田野里奔跑，丹尼是一隻美麗而笨拙的生物，非常溫柔，有一次他抓住了一隻小兔子，把它叼在嘴裏，毫髮無傷，交給人類檢查。我不知道我為什麼要跑，但我們倆都精疲力竭地倒下，躺在草地上，丹尼的頭靠在我的胸前，我的眼睛盯著藍天。我不知道我曾經感到如此滿足，如此完全不擔心生活及其壓力。

Dad had built a home with an almost jarring serenity. He and his wife argued, but they rarely raised their voices at each other and never resorted to the brutal insults that were commonplace in Mom’s house. None of their friends drank, not even socially. Even though they believed in corporal punishment, it was never doled out excessively or combined with verbal abuse—spanking was methodical and anger-free. My younger brother and sister clearly enjoyed their lives, even though they lacked pop music or R-rated movies.

爸爸建造了一個幾乎令人不快的寧靜的家。他和妻子爭吵，但他們很少互相大聲喧嘩，也從不訴諸於在媽媽家裡司空見慣的殘酷侮辱。他們的朋友都沒有喝酒，甚至在社交場合也沒有。儘管他們相信體罰，但體罰從不過度施放或與辱駡相結合——打屁股是有條不紊的，沒有憤怒。我的弟弟和妹妹顯然很享受他們的生活，儘管他們缺乏流行音樂或R級電影。

What little I knew of Dad’s character during his marriage to Mom came mostly secondhand. Mamaw, Aunt Wee, Lindsay, and Mom all told varying degrees of the same story: that Dad was mean. He yelled a lot and sometimes hit Mom. Lindsay told me that, as a child, I had a peculiarly large and misshapen head, and she attributed that to a time when she saw Dad push Mom aggressively.

在爸爸和媽媽結婚期間，我對他的性格知之甚少，大部分是二手的。媽媽、點阿姨、林賽和媽媽都講述了不同程度的同一個故事：爸爸很刻薄。他經常大喊大叫，有時還打媽媽。琳賽告訴我，小時候，我有一個特別大而畸形的頭，她把這歸因於她看到爸爸咄咄逼人地推媽媽。

Dad denies ever physically abusing anyone, including Mom. I suspect that they were physically abusive to each other in the way that Mom and most of her men were: a bit of pushing, some plate throwing, but nothing more. What I do know is that between the end of his marriage with Mom and the beginning of his marriage with Cheryl—which occurred when I was four—Dad had changed for the better. He credits a more serious involvement with his faith. In this, Dad embodied a phenomenon social scientists have observed for decades: Religious folks are much happier. Regular church attendees commit fewer crimes, are in better health, live longer, make more money, drop out of high school less frequently, and finish college more frequently than those who don’t attend church at all.¹⁶ MIT economist Jonathan Gruber even found that the relationship was causal: It’s not just that people who happen to live successful lives also go to church, it’s that church seems to promote good habits.

爸爸否認曾經對任何人進行過身體虐待，包括媽媽。我懷疑他們像媽媽和她的大多數男人一樣互相虐待：有點推搡，一些扔盤子，但僅此而已。我所知道的是，從他與媽媽的婚姻結束到他與謝麗爾的婚姻開始——發生在我四歲的時候——爸爸已經變得更好了。他將自己的信仰歸功於更嚴肅的參與。在這一點上，爸爸體現了社會科學家幾十年來觀察到的一個現象：有宗教信仰的人更快樂。與那些根本不去教堂的人相比，經常去教堂的人犯罪更少，健康情況更好，壽命更長，賺的錢更多，高中輟學的頻率更低，完成大學的頻率更高。¹⁶麻省理工學院（MIT）經濟學家喬納森·格魯伯（Jonathan Gruber）甚至發現，這種關係是因果關係：不僅僅是碰巧過著成功生活的人也會去教堂，而且教堂似乎促進了良好的習慣。

In his religious habits, Dad lived the stereotype of a culturally conservative Protestant with Southern roots, even though the stereotype is mostly inaccurate. Despite their reputation for clinging to their religion, the folks back home resembled Mamaw more than Dad: deeply religious but without any attachment to a real church community. Indeed, the only conservative Protestants I knew who attended church regularly were my dad and his family.¹⁷ In the middle of the Bible Belt, active church attendance is actually quite low.¹⁸

在他的宗教習慣中，爸爸生活在一個具有南方血統的文化保守的新教徒的刻板印象中，儘管這種刻板印象大多是不準確的。儘管他們以堅持自己的宗教而聞名，但家鄉的人們更像媽媽而不是爸爸：虔誠的宗教信仰，但對真正的教會社區沒有任何依戀。事實上，我認識的唯一定期去教堂的保守派新教徒是我父親和他的家人。¹⁷在聖經帶的中間，活躍的教會出席率實際上相當低。¹⁸

Despite its reputation, Appalachia—especially northern Alabama and Georgia to southern Ohio—has far lower church attendance than the Midwest, parts of the Mountain West, and much of the space between Michigan and Montana. Oddly enough, we think we attend church more than we actually do. In a recent Gallup poll, Southerners and Midwesterners reported the highest rates of church attendance in the country. Yet actual church attendance is much lower in the South.

儘管阿巴拉契亞享有盛譽，但阿巴拉契亞州——尤其是阿拉巴馬州北部和喬治亞州到俄亥俄州南部——的教會出席率遠低於中西部、西部山區的部分地區以及密歇根州和蒙大拿州之間的大部分地區。奇怪的是，我們認為我們去教會的次數比實際次數多。在最近的蓋洛普民意調查中，南方人和中西部人報告說，該國的教堂出席率最高。然而，在南方，實際的教會出席率要低得多。

This pattern of deception has to do with cultural pressure. In southwestern Ohio, where I was born, both the Cincinnati and Dayton metropolitan regions have very low rates of church attendance, about the same as ultra-liberal San Francisco. No one I know in San Francisco would feel ashamed to admit that they don’t go to church. (In fact, some of them might feel ashamed to admit that they do.) Ohio is the polar opposite. Even as a kid, I’d lie when people asked if I attended church regularly. According to Gallup, I wasn’t alone in feeling that pressure.

這種欺騙模式與文化壓力有關。在我出生的俄亥俄州西南部，辛辛那提和代頓大都市區的教堂出席率都非常低，與極端自由主義的三藩市差不多。在三藩市，我認識的人中沒有人會因為承認自己不去教堂而感到羞恥。（事實上，他們中的一些人可能會羞於承認他們這樣做。俄亥俄州則截然相反。甚至在我還是個孩子的時候，當人們問我是否經常去教堂時，我也會撒謊。根據蓋洛普的說法，我並不是唯一一個感受到這種壓力的人。

The juxtaposition is jarring: Religious institutions remain a positive force in people’s lives, but in a part of the country slammed by the decline of manufacturing, joblessness, addiction, and broken homes, church attendance has fallen off. Dad’s church offered something desperately needed by people like me. For alcoholics, it gave them a community of support and a sense that they weren’t fighting addiction alone. For expectant mothers, it offered a free home with job training and parenting classes. When someone needed a job, church friends could either provide one or make introductions. When Dad faced financial troubles, his church banded together and purchased a used car for the family. In the broken world I saw around me—and for the people struggling in that world—religion offered tangible assistance to keep the faithful on track.

這種並列是令人不快的：宗教機構仍然是人們生活中的積極力量，但在該國遭受製造業衰落、失業、成癮和家庭破碎的抨擊的地區，教堂的出席率已經下降。爸爸的教會提供了像我這樣的人迫切需要的東西。對於酗酒者來說，這給了他們一個支援社區，並讓他們感覺到他們不是在獨自對抗成癮。對於准媽媽來說，它提供了一個免費的家，包括職業培訓和育兒課程。當有人需要一份工作時，教會朋友可以提供一份工作或介紹一份工作。當爸爸面臨經濟困難時，他的教會聯合起來，為家人購買了一輛二手車。在我所看到的破碎世界里，對於在那個世界上掙扎的人們來說，宗教提供了切實的説明，使信徒們走上正軌。

Dad’s faith attracted me even though I learned early on that it had played a significant role in the adoption that led to our long separation. While I really enjoyed the time we spent together, the pain of that adoption remained, and we spoke often of how and why it happened in the first place. For the first time, I heard his side of the story: that the adoption had nothing to do with a desire to avoid child support and that, far from simply “giving me away,” as Mom and Mamaw had said, Dad had hired multiple lawyers and done everything within reason to keep me.

爸爸的信仰吸引了我，儘管我很早就知道它在導致我們長期分離的收養中發揮了重要作用。雖然我真的很享受我們一起度過的時光，但收養的痛苦仍然存在，我們經常談論它最初是如何發生的以及為什麼會發生。我第一次聽到他的故事：收養與避免子女撫養費的願望無關，而且，爸爸遠非像媽媽和媽媽所說的那樣簡單地“把我送走”，而是聘請了多位律師，並盡一切努力留住我。

He worried that the custody war was destroying me. When I saw him during visitations before the adoption, I would hide under the bed for the first few hours, fearful that he would kidnap me and never let me see Mamaw again. Seeing his son in such a frightened state led him to reconsider his approach. Mamaw hated him, a fact I knew firsthand; but Dad said her hatred stemmed from the early days of his marriage to Mom, when he was far from a perfect husband. Sometimes when he came to pick me up, Mamaw would stand on the porch and stare at him, unblinking, clutching a hidden weapon. When he spoke to the court’s child psychiatrist, he learned that I had begun acting out at school and was showing signs of emotional problems. (This I know to be true. After a few weeks in kindergarten, I was held back for a year. Two decades later, I ran into the teacher who had endured my first foray into kindergarten. She told me that I’d behaved so badly that she had nearly quit the profession—three weeks into her first year of teaching. That she remembered me twenty years later says a lot about my misbehavior.)

他擔心監護權之爭會毀了我。當我在收養前的探視中見到他時，我會在最初的幾個小時裡躲在床底下，擔心他會綁架我，再也不讓我見到媽媽。看到兒子如此驚恐的狀態，他重新考慮了自己的做法。媽媽討厭他，這是我親身經歷過的事實;但爸爸說，她的仇恨源於他與媽媽結婚的早期，當時他遠不是一個完美的丈夫。有時，當他來接我時，媽媽會站在門廊上盯著他，一眨不眨地抓著一把隱藏的武器。當他與法院的兒童精神科醫生交談時，他得知我已經開始在學校表現，並且表現出情緒問題的跡象。（我知道這是真的。在幼稚園呆了幾個星期後，我被推遲了一年。二十年後，我遇到了一位老師，他忍受了我第一次進入幼兒園的經歷。她告訴我，我表現得很糟糕，以至於她幾乎放棄了這個行業——在她教書的第一年有三個星期。二十年後，她還記得我，這充分說明瞭我的不當行為。

Eventually, Dad told me, he asked God for three signs that an adoption was in my best interest. Those signs apparently appeared, and I became the legal son of Bob, a man I’d known for barely a year. I don’t doubt the truth of this account, and though I empathize with the obvious difficulty of the decision, I have never felt comfortable with the idea of leaving your child’s fate to signs from God.

最終，爸爸告訴我，他向上帝祈求三個跡象，表明收養對我最有利。這些跡象顯然出現了，我成了鮑勃的合法兒子，一個我認識不到一年的人。我不懷疑這個記載的真實性，雖然我對這個決定的明顯困難感同身受，但我從來不願意把孩子的命運交給上帝的跡象。

Yet this was a minor blip, all things considered. Just knowing that he had cared about me erased a lot of childhood pain. On balance, I loved my dad and his church. I’m not sure if I liked the structure or if I just wanted to share in something that was important to him—both, I suppose—but I became a devoted convert. I devoured books about young-earth creationism, and joined online chat rooms to challenge scientists on the theory of evolution. I learned about millennialist prophecy and convinced myself that the world would end in 2007. I even threw away my Black Sabbath CDs. Dad’s church encouraged all of this because it doubted the wisdom of secular science and the morality of secular music.

然而，考慮到所有因素，這隻是一個小小的曇花一現。只要知道他關心我，就抹去了很多童年的痛苦。總的來說，我愛我的父親和他的教會。我不確定我是否喜歡這個結構，或者我只是想分享一些對他來說很重要的東西——我想兩者都是——但我變成了一個虔誠的皈依者。我如饑似渴地閱讀了有關年輕地球創造論的書籍，並加入了在線聊天室，就進化論向科學家發起挑戰。我瞭解了千禧年的預言，並說服自己世界將在2007年結束。我甚至扔掉了我的黑色安息日CD。 爸爸的教會鼓勵這一切，因為它懷疑世俗科學的智慧和世俗音樂的道德性。

Despite the lack of a legal relationship, I began spending a lot of time with Dad. I visited him on most holidays and spent every other weekend at his house. Though I loved seeing aunts, uncles, and cousins who hadn’t been part of my life in years, the basic segregation of my two lives remained. Dad avoided Mom’s side of the family, and vice versa. Lindsay and Mamaw appreciated Dad’s new role in my life, but they continued to distrust him. To Mamaw, Dad was the “sperm donor” who had abandoned me at a critical juncture. Although I, too, resented Dad for the past, Mamaw’s stubbornness didn’t make things any easier.

儘管缺乏法律關係，但我開始花很多時間和爸爸在一起。我在大多數假期都去看望他，每隔一個週末就在他家度過。雖然我喜歡看到阿姨、叔叔和表兄弟姐妹，他們已經多年沒有參與我的生活了，但我的兩種生活的基本隔離仍然存在。爸爸避開了媽媽的家庭，反之亦然。Lindsay 和Mamaw很欣賞爸爸在我生活中的新角色，但他們仍然不信任他。對媽媽來說，爸爸是在關鍵時刻拋棄我的「精子捐贈者」。雖然我也對爸爸過去感到怨恨，但媽媽的固執並沒有讓事情變得更容易。

Still, my relationship with Dad continued to develop, and so did my relationship with his church. The downside of his theology was that it promoted a certain segregation from the outside world. I couldn’t listen to Eric Clapton at Dad’s house—not because the lyrics were inappropriate but because Eric Clapton was influenced by demonic forces. I’d heard people joke that if you played Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven” backward, you’d hear some evil incantation, but a member of Dad’s church spoke about the Zeppelin myth as if it were actually true.

儘管如此，我和爸爸的關係繼續發展，我和他的教會的關係也在繼續發展。他的神學的缺點是它促進了與外部世界的某種隔離。我不能在爸爸家裡聽埃裡克·克萊普頓的歌——不是因為歌詞不合適，而是因為埃裡克·克萊普頓受到了惡魔勢力的影響。我聽人開玩笑說，如果你倒著彈齊柏林飛艇的《天堂的階梯》，你會聽到一些邪惡的咒語，但爸爸教會的一位成員談到齊柏林飛艇的神話，就好像它真的是真的一樣。

These were quirks, and at first I understood them as little more than strict rules that I could either comply with or get around. Yet I was a curious kid, and the deeper I immersed myself in evangelical theology, the more I felt compelled to mistrust many sectors of society. Evolution and the Big Bang became ideologies to confront, not theories to understand. Many of the sermons I heard spent as much time criticizing other Christians as anything else. Theological battle lines were drawn, and those on the other side weren’t just wrong about biblical interpretation, they were somehow unchristian. I admired my uncle Dan above all other men, but when he spoke of his Catholic acceptance of evolutionary theory, my admiration became tinged with suspicion. My new faith had put me on the lookout for heretics. Good friends who interpreted parts of the Bible differently were bad influences. Even Mamaw fell from favor because her religious views didn’t conflict with her affinity for Bill Clinton.

這些都是怪癖，起初我把它們理解為嚴格的規則，我要麼遵守，要麼繞過。然而，我是一個好奇的孩子，我越是沉浸在福音派神學中，我就越覺得有必要不信任社會的許多部門。進化論和宇宙大爆炸成為要面對的意識形態，而不是要理解的理論。我聽到的許多講道都花了很多時間批評其他基督徒，就像其他任何事情一樣。神學的戰線已經劃定，而另一邊的人不僅在解釋《聖經》方面是錯誤的，而且在某種程度上是非基督教的。我最欽佩我的叔叔丹，但當他談到他天主教徒對進化論的接受時，我的欽佩變成了懷疑。我的新信仰使我開始尋找異教徒。對聖經部分內容有不同解釋的好朋友是壞影響。就連媽媽也失寵了，因為她的宗教觀點與她對比爾·柯林頓的親和力並不衝突。

As a young teenager thinking seriously for the first time about what I believed and why I believed it, I had an acute sense that the walls were closing in on “real” Christians. There was talk about the “war on Christmas”—which, as far as I could tell, consisted mainly of ACLU activists suing small towns for nativity displays. I read a book called Persecution by David Limbaugh about the various ways that Christians were discriminated against. The Internet was abuzz with talk of New York art displays that featured images of Christ or the Virgin Mary covered in feces. For the first time in my life, I felt like a persecuted minority.

當我還是一個十幾歲的少年時，我第一次認真地思考我所相信的是什麼以及我為什麼相信它，我敏銳地感覺到，圍牆正在向“真正的”基督徒逼近。有人談論「耶誕節戰爭」——據我所知，這主要包括美國公民自由聯盟活動家起訴小城鎮進行耶穌誕生展示。我讀了一本名為《迫害》的書，作者是大衛·林博（David Limbaugh），書中講述了基督徒受到歧視的各種方式。互聯網上充斥著關於紐約藝術展覽的討論，這些展覽以基督或聖母瑪利亞被糞便覆蓋的圖像為特色。我有生以來第一次覺得自己是受迫害的少數群體。

All of this talk about Christians who weren’t Christian enough, secularists indoctrinating our youth, art exhibits insulting our faith, and persecution by the elites made the world a scary and foreign place. Take gay rights, a particularly hot topic among conservative Protestants. I’ll never forget the time I convinced myself that I was gay. I was eight or nine, maybe younger, and I stumbled upon a broadcast by some fire-and-brimstone preacher. The man spoke about the evils of homosexuals, how they had infiltrated our society, and how they were all destined for hell absent some serious repenting. At the time, the only thing I knew about gay men was that they preferred men to women. This described me perfectly: I disliked girls, and my best friend in the world was my buddy Bill. Oh no, I’m going to hell.

所有這些都在談論不夠基督徒的基督徒，世俗主義者灌輸我們的年輕人，侮辱我們信仰的藝術展覽，以及精英的迫害，使世界成為一個可怕和陌生的地方。以同性戀權利為例，這是保守派新教徒中特別熱門的話題。我永遠不會忘記我說服自己是同性戀的那一刻。我當時八九歲，也許還小，偶然發現了某個硫磺火傳教士的廣播。這個人談到了同性戀者的罪惡，他們如何滲透到我們的社會中，以及他們如何註定要下地獄，而沒有一些認真的悔改。當時，我對男同性戀者的唯一瞭解是，他們更喜歡男人而不是女人。這完美地描述了我：我不喜歡女孩，我在世界上最好的朋友是我的朋友比爾。哦不，我要下地獄了。

I broached this issue with Mamaw, confessing that I was gay and I was worried that I would burn in hell. She said, “Don’t be a fucking idiot, how would you know that you’re gay?” I explained my thought process. Mamaw chuckled and seemed to consider how she might explain to a boy my age. Finally she asked, “J.D., do you want to suck dicks?” I was flabbergasted. Why would someone want to do that? She repeated herself, and I said, “Of course not!” “Then,” she said, “you’re not gay. And even if you did want to suck dicks, that would be okay. God would still love you.” That settled the matter. Apparently I didn’t have to worry about being gay anymore. Now that I’m older, I recognize the profundity of her sentiment: Gay people, though unfamiliar, threatened nothing about Mamaw’s being. There were more important things for a Christian to worry about.

我向媽媽提起了這個問題，承認我是同性戀，我擔心我會在地獄里被燒死。她說：「別他媽的傻子，你怎麼知道你是同性戀？我解釋了我的思考過程。媽媽咯咯地笑了起來，似乎在考慮如何向一個和我同齡的男孩解釋。最後她問：“J.D.，你想吮吸雞巴嗎？我大吃一驚。為什麼有人想這樣做？她重複了一遍，我說：“當然不是！“那麼，”她說，“你不是同性戀。即使你確實想吮吸雞巴，那也沒關係。上帝仍然會愛你。事情就這樣解決了。顯然，我再也不用擔心自己是同性戀了。現在我長大了，我認識到她情感的深刻性：同性戀者雖然不熟悉，但對媽媽的存在沒有任何威脅。對於基督徒來說，還有更重要的事情需要擔心。

In my new church, on the other hand, I heard more about the gay lobby and the war on Christmas than about any particular character trait that a Christian should aspire to have. I recalled that moment with Mamaw as an instance of secularist thinking rather than an act of Christian love. Morality was defined by not participating in this or that particular social malady: the gay agenda, evolutionary theory, Clintonian liberalism, or extramarital sex. Dad’s church required so little of me. It was easy to be a Christian. The only affirmative teachings I remember drawing from church were that I shouldn’t cheat on my wife and that I shouldn’t be afraid to preach the gospel to others. So I planned a life of monogamy and tried to convert other people, even my seventh-grade science teacher, who was Muslim.

另一方面，在我的新教會裡，我聽到的更多是關於同性戀遊說團體和耶誕節戰爭，而不是基督徒應該渴望擁有的任何特定性格特徵。我回想起與媽媽在一起的那一刻，認為這是世俗主義思想的一個例子，而不是基督徒的愛的行為。道德的定義是不參與這個或那個特定的社會弊病：同性戀議程、進化論、柯林頓自由主義或婚外性行為。爸爸的教會對我的要求太低了。成為基督徒很容易。我記得從教會中得到的唯一肯定的教導是，我不應該欺騙我的妻子，我不應該害怕向別人傳福音。因此，我計劃過一夫一妻制的生活，並試圖改變其他人的信仰，甚至包括我七年級的科學老師，他是穆斯林。

The world lurched toward moral corruption—slouching toward Gomorrah. The Rapture was coming, we thought. Apocalyptic imagery filled the weekly sermons and the Left Behind books (one of the best-selling fiction series of all time, which I devoured). Folks would discuss whether the Antichrist was already alive and, if so, which world leader it might be. Someone told me that he expected I’d marry a very pretty girl if the Lord hadn’t come by the time I reached marrying age. The End Times were the natural finish for a culture sliding so quickly toward the abyss.

世界陷入了道德敗壞——無精打采地走向蛾摩拉。我們以為，被提要來了。世界末日的意象充斥著每周的佈道和《被遺忘》的書（有史以來最暢銷的小說系列之一，我吞噬了它）。人們會討論敵基督是否還活著，如果是的話，它可能是哪個世界領袖。有人告訴我，他希望我會娶一個非常漂亮的女孩，如果我到了結婚年齡時主還沒有來。末世是一個文化如此迅速地滑向深淵的自然結局。

Other authors have noted the terrible retention rates of evangelical churches and blamed precisely that sort of theology for their decline.¹⁹ I didn’t appreciate it as a kid. Nor did I realize that the religious views I developed during my early years with Dad were sowing the seeds for an outright rejection of the Christian faith. What I did know is that, despite its downsides, I loved both my new church and the man who introduced me to it. The timing, it turned out, was impeccable: The next months would bring a desperate need for both a heavenly father and an earthly one.

其他作者指出了福音派教會的可怕保留率，並將這種神學的衰落歸咎於這種神學。¹⁹我小時候並不欣賞它。我也沒有意識到，我早年和爸爸在一起時形成的宗教觀點正在為徹底拒絕基督教信仰播下種子。我所知道的是，儘管它有缺點，但我既愛我的新教會，也愛把我介紹給它的人。事實證明，這個時機是無可挑剔的：接下來的幾個月將帶來對天父和地上父的迫切需求。