西班牙文化之旅

Chapter 5

第 5 章

I assume I’m not alone in having few memories from before I was six or seven. I know that I was four when I climbed on top of the dining room table in our small apartment, announced that I was the Incredible Hulk, and dove headfirst into the wall to prove that I was stronger than any building. (I was wrong.)

我想我並不是唯一一個在我六七歲之前幾乎沒有記憶的人。我知道我四歲時爬上我們小公寓的餐桌，宣佈我是不可思議的綠巨人，然後一頭扎進牆上，證明我比任何建築物都強壯。（我錯了。

I remember being smuggled into the hospital to see Uncle Teaberry. I remember sitting on Mamaw Blanton’s lap as she read Bible stories aloud before the sun came up, and I remember stroking the whiskers on her chin and wondering whether God gave all old women facial hair. I remember explaining to Ms. Hydorne in the holler that my name was “J.D., like jay-dot-dee-dot.” I remember watching Joe Montana lead a TD-winning drive in the Super Bowl against the hometown Bengals. And I remember the early September day in kindergarten when Mom and Lindsay picked me up from school and told me that I’d never see my dad again. He was giving me up for adoption, they said. It was the saddest I had ever felt.

我記得我被偷偷帶進醫院去看茶莓叔叔。我記得在太陽升起之前，我坐在布蘭頓媽媽的腿上，大聲朗讀聖經故事，我記得撫摸著她下巴上的鬍鬚，想知道上帝是否給了所有老婦人的鬍鬚。我記得我向海多恩女士解釋說，我的名字是“J.D.，就像jay-dot-dee-dot。我記得看過喬·蒙大拿（Joe Montana）在超級碗（Super Bowl）對陣家鄉孟加拉虎隊（Bengals）的比賽中帶領TD獲勝。我還記得九月初在幼稚園的一天，媽媽和琳賽從學校接我，告訴我我再也見不到爸爸了。他們說，他要把我送去收養。這是我經歷過的最悲傷的一次。

My father, Don Bowman, was Mom’s second husband. Mom and Dad married in 1983 and split up around the time I started walking. Mom remarried a couple years after the divorce. Dad gave me up for adoption when I was six. After the adoption, he became kind of a phantom for the next six years. I had few memories of life with him. I knew that he loved Kentucky, its beautiful mountains, and its rolling green horse country. He drank RC Cola and had a clear Southern accent. He drank, but he stopped after he converted to Pentecostal Christianity. I always felt loved when I spent time with him, which was why I found it so shocking that he “didn’t want me anymore,” as Mom and Mamaw told me. He had a new wife, with two small children, and I’d been replaced.

我的父親唐·鮑曼（Don Bowman）是媽媽的第二任丈夫。爸爸媽媽於1983年結婚，在我開始走路的時候分手了。媽媽在離婚幾年後再婚。爸爸在我六歲時把我送去收養。被收養后，在接下來的六年裡，他變成了一個幻影。我對和他在一起的生活幾乎沒有記憶。我知道他喜歡肯塔基州，喜歡它美麗的山脈，喜歡它連綿起伏的綠馬之鄉。他喝RC可樂，有明顯的南方口音。他喝酒，但在皈依五旬節派基督教后就停止了。當我和他在一起時，我總是感到被愛，這就是為什麼我發現他“不再想要我了”，正如媽媽和媽媽告訴我的那樣，我感到如此震驚。他有了一個新妻子，有兩個小孩，我被取代了。

Bob Hamel, my stepdad and eventual adoptive father, was a good guy in that he treated Lindsay and me kindly. Mamaw didn’t care much for him. “He’s a toothless fucking retard,” she’d tell Mom, I suspect for reasons of class and culture: Mamaw had done everything in her power to be better than the circumstances of her birth. Though she was hardly rich, she wanted her kids to get an education, obtain white-collar work, and marry well-groomed middle-class folks—people, in other words, who were nothing like Mamaw and Papaw. Bob, however, was a walking hillbilly stereotype. He had little relationship with his own father and had learned the lessons of his own childhood well: He had two kids whom he barely saw, though they lived in Hamilton, a town ten miles south of Middletown. Half of his teeth had rotted out, and the other half were black, brown, and misshapen, the consequence of a lifetime of Mountain Dew consumption and presumably some missed dental checkups. He was a high school dropout who drove a truck for a living.

鮑勃·哈默爾（Bob Hamel）是我的繼父，也是最終的養父，他是個好人，因為他善待琳賽和我。媽媽不太關心他。“他是個沒牙的弱智，”她會告訴媽媽，我懷疑是出於階級和文化的原因：媽媽已經盡了一切努力，讓自己比她出生時的環境更好。雖然她並不富裕，但她希望她的孩子接受教育，獲得白領工作，並嫁給衣冠楚楚的中產階級——換句話說，這些人與媽媽和爸爸完全不同。然而，鮑勃是一個行走的鄉巴佬刻板印象。他與自己的父親關係不大，並且很好地吸取了自己童年的教訓：他有兩個孩子，儘管他們住在米德爾敦以南十英里的漢密爾頓鎮，但他幾乎沒有見過他們。他的一半牙齒已經腐爛，另一半是黑色、棕色和畸形的，這是他一生食用山露水的結果，大概是錯過了一些牙科檢查。他是一名高中輟學生，以開卡車為生。

We’d all eventually learn that there was much to dislike about Bob. But what drove Mamaw’s initial dislike were the parts of him that most resembled her. Mamaw apparently understood what would take me another twenty years to learn: that social class in America isn’t just about money. And her desire that her children do better than she had done extended past their education and employment and into the relationships they formed. When it came to spouses for her kids and parents for her grandkids, Mamaw felt, whether she knew it consciously, that she wasn’t good enough.

我們最終都會瞭解到，鮑勃有很多不喜歡的地方。但驅使媽媽最初不喜歡的是他身上最像她的部分。媽媽顯然明白我再花二十年才能學到的東西：美國的社會階層不僅僅是金錢。她希望自己的孩子比她做得更好，這超出了他們的教育和就業，延伸到他們建立的關係中。當談到孩子的配偶和孫子孫女的父母時，媽媽覺得，無論她是否有意識地知道，她都不夠好。

When Bob became my legal father, Mom changed my name from James Donald Bowman to James David Hamel. Until then, I’d borne my father’s first name as my middle name, and Mom used the adoption to erase any memory of his existence. She kept the D to preserve what had by then become a universal nickname—J.D. Mom told me that I was now named after Uncle David, Mamaw’s older, pot-smoking brother. This seemed a bit of a stretch even when I was six. Any old D name would have done, so long as it wasn’t Donald.

當鮑勃成為我的合法父親時，媽媽把我的名字從詹姆斯·唐納德·鮑曼改成了詹姆斯·大衛·哈默爾。在那之前，我一直以父親的名字作為中間名，而媽媽則用收養來抹去對他存在的任何記憶。她保留了D，以保留當時已成為普遍的昵稱——J.D.媽媽告訴我，我現在是以大衛叔叔的名字命名的，大衛叔叔是媽媽的哥哥，抽煙的哥哥。即使在我六歲的時候，這似乎也有點牽強。任何舊的 D 名字都可以，只要它不是唐納德。

Our new life with Bob had a superficial, family-sitcom feel to it. Mom and Bob’s marriage seemed happy. They bought a house a few blocks away from Mamaw’s. (We were so close that if the bathrooms were occupied or I felt like a snack, I’d just walk over to Mamaw’s.) Mom had recently acquired her nursing license, and Bob made a great salary, so we had plenty of money. With our gun-toting, cigarette-smoking Mamaw up the street and a new legal father, we were an odd family but a happy one.

我們和鮑勃的新生活有一種膚淺的家庭情景喜劇的感覺。媽媽和鮑勃的婚姻看起來很幸福。他們在離媽媽家幾個街區的地方買了一棟房子。（我們離得太近了，如果浴室被佔用，或者我想吃零食，我就會走到媽媽家。媽媽最近考了照，鮑勃的薪水很高，所以我們有很多錢。我們拿著槍，抽著煙的媽媽在街上，還有一個新的合法父親，我們是一個奇怪的家庭，但是一個幸福的家庭。

My life assumed a predictable cadence: I’d go to school and come home and eat dinner. I visited Mamaw and Papaw nearly every day. Papaw would sit on our porch to smoke, and I’d sit out there with him and listen to him grumble about politics or the steelworkers’ union. When I learned to read, Mom bought me my first chapter book—Space Brat—and heaped praise on me for finishing it quickly. I loved to read, and I loved to work on math problems with Papaw, and I loved the way that Mom seemed to delight in everything I did.

我的生活呈現出一種可預測的節奏：我會去上學，回家吃晚飯。我幾乎每天都去看望媽媽和爸爸。爸爸會坐在我們的門廊上抽菸，我會和他一起坐在外面，聽他抱怨政治或鋼鐵工人工會。當我學會閱讀時，媽媽給我買了第一本章節書——《太空小子》，並稱讚我讀得很快。我喜歡讀書，我喜歡和爸爸一起做數學題，我喜歡媽媽似乎對我所做的一切感到高興。

Mom and I bonded over other things, especially our favorite sport: football. I read every word I could about Joe Montana, the greatest quarterback of all time, watched every game, and wrote fan mail to the 49ers and later the Chiefs, Montana’s two teams. Mom checked out books on football strategy from the public library, and we built little models of the field with construction paper and loose change—pennies for the defense, nickels and dimes for the offense.

媽媽和我在其他事情上建立了聯繫，尤其是我們最喜歡的運動：足球。我閱讀了關於有史以來最偉大的四分衛喬·蒙塔納（Joe Montana）的所有字，觀看了每場比賽，並給蒙大拿州的兩支球隊49人隊和後來的酋長隊寫了球迷郵件。媽媽從公共圖書館借了關於足球策略的書籍，我們用建築紙和零錢製作了場地的小模型——防守用便士，進攻用鎳幣和一角鎳。

Mom didn’t want me to understand only the rules of football; she wanted me to understand the strategy. We practiced on our construction-paper football field, going over the various contingencies: What happened if a particular lineman (a shiny nickel) missed his block? What could the quarterback (a dime) do if no receiver (another dime) was open? We didn’t have chess, but we did have football.

媽媽不想讓我只瞭解足球規則;她想讓我理解這個策略。我們在建築紙足球場上練習，研究各種突發事件：如果某個邊裁（閃亮的鎳幣）錯過了他的阻擋，會發生什麼？如果沒有接球手（另一角錢）打開，四分衛（一角錢）可以做什麼？我們沒有國際象棋，但我們有足球。

More than anyone else in my family, Mom wanted us to be exposed to people from all walks of life. Her friend Scott was a kind old gay man who, she later told me, died unexpectedly. She made me watch a movie about Ryan White, a boy not that much older than I was, who contracted HIV through a blood transfusion and had to start a legal fight to return to school. Every time I complained about school, Mom reminded me of Ryan White and spoke about what a blessing it was to get an education. She was so overcome by White’s story that she handwrote a letter to his mother after he died in 1990.

媽媽比我家裡的任何人都更希望我們能接觸到各行各業的人。她的朋友斯科特是一個善良的老同性戀者，她後來告訴我，他意外去世了。她讓我看了一部關於瑞恩·懷特（Ryan White）的電影，這個男孩比我大不了多少，他通過輸血感染了愛滋病毒，不得不開始法律鬥爭才能重返學校。每次我抱怨學校，媽媽都會讓我想起瑞恩·懷特，並談到接受教育是多麼幸福。她被懷特的故事深深打動，以至於在他於 1990 年去世后，她給他的母親寫了一封信。

Mom believed deeply in the promise of education. She was the salutatorian of her high school class but never made it to college because Lindsay was born weeks after Mom graduated from high school. But she did return to a local community college and earn an associate’s degree in nursing. I was probably seven or eight when she started working full-time as a nurse, and I liked to think that I had contributed in some small way: I “helped” her study by crawling all over her, and I let her practice drawing blood on my youthful veins.

媽媽深信教育的希望。她是高中班上的問候者，但從未上過大學，因為琳賽是在媽媽高中畢業幾周後出生的。但她確實回到了當地的一所社區大學，並獲得了護理副學士學位。當她開始全職做護士時，我大概七八歲，我喜歡認為我以某種小小的方式做出了貢獻：我通過爬遍她來“説明”她的學習，我讓她練習在我年輕的血管上抽血。

Sometimes Mom’s devotion to education arguably went a little too far. During my third-grade science fair project, Mom helped at every stage—from planning the project to assisting with lab notes to assembling the presentation. The night before everything was due, the project looked precisely how it deserved to look: like the work of a third-grader who had slacked off a bit. I went to bed expecting to wake up the next morning, give my mediocre presentation, and call it a day. The science fair was a competition, and I even thought that, with a little salesmanship, I could advance to the next round. But in the morning I discovered that Mom had revamped the entire presentation. It looked like a scientist and a professional artist had joined forces to create it. Though the judges were blown away, when they began to ask questions that I couldn’t answer (but that the maker of the collage would have known), they realized something didn’t fit. I didn’t make it to the final round of the competition.

有時，媽媽對教育的投入可以說有點過分了。在我三年級的科學博覽會專案中，媽媽在每個階段都提供了説明——從計劃專案到協助做實驗筆記再到組裝演示文稿。在一切都到期的前一天晚上，這個專案看起來正是它應有的樣子：就像一個有點懈怠的三年級學生的作品。我上床睡覺，期待第二天早上醒來，做我平庸的演講，然後收工。科學博覽會是一場比賽，我甚至認為，只要有一點推銷技巧，我就可以晉級下一輪。但是早上我發現媽媽已經修改了整個演示文稿。它看起來像是科學家和專業藝術家聯手創造的。雖然評委們被震撼了，但當他們開始問我無法回答的問題時（但拼貼畫的製作者會知道），他們意識到有些東西不合適。我沒有進入比賽的最後一輪。

What that incident taught me—besides the fact that I needed to do my own work—was that Mom cared deeply about enterprises of the mind. Nothing brought her greater joy than when I finished a book or asked for another. Mom was, everyone told me, the smartest person they knew. And I believed it. She was definitely the smartest person I knew.

除了我需要做自己的工作之外，那件事教會了我一件事，那就是媽媽非常關心心靈的事業。沒有什麼比我讀完一本書或要求另一本書更能給她帶來快樂的了。每個人都告訴我，媽媽是他們認識的最聰明的人。我相信了。她絕對是我認識的最聰明的人。

In the southwest Ohio of my youth, we learned to value loyalty, honor, and toughness. I earned my first bloody nose at five and my first black eye at six. Each of these fights began after someone insulted my mother. Mother jokes were never allowed, and grandmother jokes earned the harshest punishment that my little fists could administer. Mamaw and Papaw ensured that I knew the basic rules of fighting: You never start a fight; you always end the fight if someone else starts it; and even though you never start a fight, it’s maybe okay to start one if a man insults your family. This last rule was unspoken but clear. Lindsay had a boyfriend named Derrick, maybe her first boyfriend, who broke up with her after a few days. She was heartbroken as only thirteen-year-olds can be, so I decided to confront Derrick when I saw him walking past our house one day. He had five years and about thirty-five pounds on me, but I came at him twice as he pushed me down easily. The third time I came at him, he’d had enough and proceeded to pound the shit out of me. I ran to Mamaw’s house for some first aid, crying and a little bloody. She just smiled at me. “You did good, honey. You did real good.”

在我年輕時的俄亥俄州西南部，我們學會了重視忠誠、榮譽和堅韌。我五歲時第一次流鼻血，六歲時第一次黑眼圈。每一次爭吵都是在有人侮辱我母親之後開始的。母親的笑話從來不被允許，祖母的笑話贏得了我的小拳頭所能給予的最嚴厲的懲罰。媽媽和爸爸確保我知道戰鬥的基本規則：你永遠不要打架;如果別人開始戰鬥，你總是會結束戰鬥;即使你從不打架，如果一個男人侮辱你的家人，也許可以開始打架。這最後一條規則是不言而喻的，但很清楚。琳賽有一個男朋友，名叫德里克，也許是她的第一個男朋友，幾天后就和她分手了。她傷心欲絕，因為只有十三歲的孩子才能做到，所以當我有一天看到德里克從我們家走過時，我決定與他對峙。他有五年的年限，大約有三十五磅重在我身上，但我兩次向他襲來，因為他很容易就把我推倒了。我第三次來找他時，他已經受夠了，開始把我身上的捶出來。我跑到媽媽家急救，哭著說，有點流血。她只是對我微笑。“你做得很好，親愛的。你做得很好。

In fighting, as with many things, Mamaw taught me through experience. She never laid a hand on me punitively—she was anti-spanking in a way must have come from her own bad experiences—but when I asked her what it felt like to be punched in the head, she showed me. A swift blow, delivered by the meat of her hand, directly on my cheek. “That didn’t feel so bad, did it?” And the answer was no. Getting hit in the face wasn’t nearly as terrible as I’d imagined. This was one of her most important rules of fighting: Unless someone really knows how to hit, a punch in the face is no big deal. Better to take a blow to the face than to miss an opportunity to deliver your own. Her second tip was to stand sideways, with your left shoulder facing your opponent and your hands raised because “you’re a much smaller target that way.” Her third rule was to punch with your whole body, especially your hips. Very few people, Mamaw told me, appreciate how unimportant your fist is when it comes to hitting someone.

在戰鬥中，就像許多事情一樣，媽媽通過經驗教會了我。她從來沒有懲罰過我——她反對打屁股，這在某種程度上一定是來自她自己的糟糕經歷——但當我問她被打頭是什麼感覺時，她向我展示了。她手上的肉迅速地擊中了我的臉頰。“感覺沒那麼糟糕，是嗎？”答案是否定的。被擊中臉部並不像我想像的那麼可怕。這是她最重要的戰鬥規則之一：除非有人真的知道如何打人，否則一拳打在臉上沒什麼大不了的。寧可挨一拳打臉，也不願錯過自己交出的機會。她的第二個技巧是側身站立，左肩面向對手，舉起雙手，因為“這樣你的目標要小得多”。她的第三條規則是用你的整個身體，尤其是你的臀部。媽媽告訴我，很少有人會意識到，在打人時，你的拳頭是多麼不重要。

Despite her admonition not to start fights, our unspoken honor code made it easy to convince someone else to start a fight for you. If you really wanted to get into it with someone, all you needed to do was insult his mom. No amount of self-control could withstand a well-played maternal criticism. “Your mom’s so fat that her ass has its own zip code”; “Your mom’s such a hillbilly that her false teeth have cavities”; or a simple “Yo’ mama!” These were fighting words, whether you wanted them to be or not. To shirk from avenging a string of insults was to lose your honor, your dignity, or even your friends. It was to go home and be afraid to tell your family that you had disgraced them.

儘管她告誡不要打架，但我們不言而喻的榮譽準則很容易說服別人為你打架。如果你真的想和某人在一起，你需要做的就是侮辱他的媽媽。再多的自製力也經不起母親的批評。“媽太胖了，她的屁股有自己的郵遞區號”;“媽真是個鄉巴佬，她的假牙有蛀牙”;或者一句簡單的「哟，媽媽！這些都是戰鬥的詞語，不管你是否願意。逃避一連串的侮辱，就是失去你的榮譽，你的尊嚴，甚至你的朋友。就是回家，害怕告訴你的家人你讓他們蒙羞了。

I don’t know why, but after a few years Mamaw’s views evolved on fighting. I was in third grade, had just lost a race, and felt there was only one way to adequately deal with the taunting victor. Mamaw, lurking nearby, intervened in what was certain to be another schoolyard cage match. She sternly asked whether I had forgotten her lesson that the only just fights are defensive. I didn’t know what to say—she had endorsed the unstated rule of honor fighting only a few years earlier. “One time I got in a fight and you told me that I did good,” I told her. She said, “Well, then, I was wrong. You shouldn’t fight unless you have to.” Now, that made an impression. Mamaw never admitted mistakes.

我不知道為什麼，但幾年後，媽媽對戰鬥的看法發生了變化。我上三年級，剛剛輸掉了一場比賽，覺得只有一種方法可以充分應對嘲諷的勝利者。潛伏在附近的媽媽介入了另一場校園籠子比賽。她嚴厲地問我是否忘記了她的教訓，即唯一正義的戰鬥是防禦性的。我不知道該說什麼——就在幾年前，她還支援不言而喻的榮譽規則。“有一次我吵架了，你告訴我我做得很好，”我告訴她。她說：“好吧，那麼，我錯了。除非你不得不打架，否則你不應該打架。現在，這給人留下了深刻的印象。媽媽從不承認錯誤。

The next year, I noticed that a class bully had taken a particular interest in a specific victim, an odd kid I rarely spoke to. Thanks to my prior exploits, I was largely immune to bullying, and, like most kids, was usually content to avoid the bully’s attention. One day, though, he said something about his victim that I overheard, and I felt a strong urge to stick up for the poor kid. There was something pathetic about the target, who seemed especially wounded by the bully’s treatment.

第二年，我注意到一個班級欺淩者對一個特定的受害者特別感興趣，一個我很少說話的奇怪孩子。由於我之前的功績，我在很大程度上不受欺淩，並且像大多數孩子一樣，通常滿足於避免欺淩者的注意。然而，有一天，他說了一些關於他的受害者的事情，我無意中聽到了，我有一種強烈的衝動，要為這個可憐的孩子挺身而出。目標有些可憐，他似乎特別受了欺淩者的傷害。

When I spoke to Mamaw after school that day, I broke down in tears. I felt incredibly guilty that I hadn’t had the courage to speak up for this poor kid—that I had just sat there and listened to someone else make his life a living hell. She asked whether I had spoken to the teacher about it, and I assured her that I had. “That bitch ought to be put in jail for sitting there and not doing anything.” And then she said something that I will never forget: “Sometimes, honey, you have to fight, even when you’re not defending yourself. Sometimes it’s just the right thing to do. Tomorrow you need to stand up for that boy, and if you have to stand up for yourself, then do that, too.” Then she taught me a move: a swift, hard (make sure to turn your hips) punch right to the gut. “If he starts in on you, make sure to punch him right in the belly button.”

那天放學后我和媽媽說話時，我淚流滿面。我感到非常內疚，因為我沒有勇氣為這個可憐的孩子說話——我只是坐在那裡聽別人把他的生活變成人間地獄。她問我有沒有和老師談過這件事，我向她保證我有。“那個婊子應該坐在那裡什麼都不做，就應該被關進監獄。”然後她說了一句我永遠不會忘記的話：“有時候，親愛的，你必須戰鬥，即使你沒有為自己辯護。有時這是正確的做法。明天你需要為那個男孩挺身而出，如果你必須為自己挺身而出，那就也這樣做。然後她教了我一個動作：一個快速、用力（確保轉動臀部）的拳頭直擊腸道。“如果他開始攻擊你，一定要打他的肚臍。”

The next day at school, I felt nervous and hoped that the bully would take a day off. But in the predictable chaos as the class lined up for lunch, the bully—his name was Chris—asked my little charge whether he planned on crying that day. “Shut up,” I said. “Just leave him alone.” Chris approached me, pushed me, and asked what I planned to do about it. I walked right up to him, pivoted my right hip, and sucker-punched him right in the stomach. He immediately—and terrifyingly—dropped to his knees, seemingly unable to breathe. By the time I realized that I’d really injured him, he was alternately coughing and trying to catch his breath. He even spit up a small amount of blood.

第二天在學校，我感到很緊張，希望欺負者能休息一天。但是，在可預見的混亂中，當全班排隊吃午飯時，惡霸——他的名字叫克裡斯——問我的小傢伙那天是否打算哭。“閉嘴，”我說。“別管他。”克裡斯走近我，推了我一把，問我打算怎麼做。我走到他面前，轉動右臀部，一拳打在了他的肚子上。他立刻——而且可怕地——跪倒在地，似乎無法呼吸。當我意識到我真的傷害了他時，他交替咳嗽並試圖喘口氣。他甚至吐出了少量的血。

Chris went to the school nurse, and after I confirmed that I hadn’t killed him and would avoid the police, my thoughts immediately turned to the school justice system—whether I’d be suspended or expelled and for how long. While the other kids played at recess and Chris recovered with the nurse, the teacher brought me into the classroom. I thought she was going to tell me that she’d called my parents and I’d be kicked out of school. Instead, she gave me a lecture about fighting and made me practice my handwriting instead of playing outside. I detected a hint of approval from the teacher, and I sometimes wonder whether there were school politics at work in her inability to appropriately discipline the class bully. At any rate, Mamaw found out about the fight directly from me and praised me for doing something really good. It was the last time I ever got in a fistfight.

克裡斯去找了學校的護士，在我確認我沒有殺了他並且會避開警察之後，我的思緒立即轉向了學校的司法系統——我是否會被停學或開除，以及會開除多長時間。當其他孩子在課間玩耍時，克裡斯和護士一起康復，老師把我帶進了教室。我以為她會告訴我，她打電話給我的父母，我會被趕出學校。相反，她給我上了一堂關於格鬥的講座，讓我練習寫字，而不是在外面玩。我從老師身上察覺到了一絲贊同，我有時在想，她無法適當地懲戒班級霸凌者，是不是有學校政治在起作用。無論如何，媽媽直接從我那裡知道了這場戰鬥，並稱讚我做了一件非常好的事情。這是我最後一次打架。

While I recognized that things weren’t perfect, I also recognized that our family shared a lot with most of the families I saw around me. Yes, my parents fought intensely, but so did everyone else’s. Yes, my grandparents played as big a role in my life as Mom and Bob did, but that was the norm in hillbilly families. We didn’t live a peaceful life in a small nuclear family. We lived a chaotic life in big groups of aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins. This was the life I’d been given, and I was a pretty happy kid.

雖然我認識到事情並不完美，但我也認識到我們的家庭與我周圍看到的大多數家庭有很多共同點。是的，我的父母吵得很厲害，但其他人也吵得很厲害。是的，我的祖父母在我的生活中扮演著與媽媽和鮑勃一樣重要的角色，但這是鄉巴佬家庭的常態。我們在一個小核心家庭里過著平靜的生活。我們在一大群阿姨、叔叔、祖父母和堂兄弟姐妹中過著混亂的生活。這就是我被賦予的生活，我是一個非常快樂的孩子。

When I was about nine years old, things began to unravel at home. Tired of Papaw’s constant presence and Mamaw’s “interference,” Mom and Bob decided to move to Preble County, a sparsely populated part of Ohio farm country approximately thirty-five miles from Middletown. Even as a boy, I knew this was the very worst thing that could happen to me. Mamaw and Papaw were my best friends. They helped me with my homework and spoiled me with treats when I behaved correctly or finished a difficult school assignment. They were also the gatekeepers. They were the scariest people I knew—old hillbillies who carried loaded guns in their coat pockets and under their car seats, no matter the occasion. They kept the monsters at bay.

在我大約九歲的時候，家裡的事情開始瓦解。厭倦了爸爸的不斷出現和媽媽的“干涉”，媽媽和鮑勃決定搬到普雷布爾縣，這是俄亥俄州農業鄉村人口稀少的地區，距離米德爾敦約三十五英里。甚至在我還是個孩子的時候，我就知道這是可能發生在我身上的最糟糕的事情。媽媽和爸爸是我最好的朋友。他們説明我完成家庭作業，並在我表現正確或完成困難的學校作業時用零食寵壞我。他們也是看門人。他們是我認識的最可怕的人——老鄉巴佬，無論在什麼場合，他們都把上膛的槍放在外套口袋裡和汽車座椅下面。他們把怪物擋在了門外。

Bob was Mom’s third husband, but the third time was not the charm. By the time we moved to Preble County, Mom and Bob had already begun to fight, and many of those fights would keep me up well past my bedtime. They said things friends and family should never say to each other: “Fuck you!” “Go back to your trailer park,” Mom sometimes told Bob, a reference to his life before they were married. Sometimes Mom would take us to a local motel, where we’d hide out for a few days until Mamaw or Papaw convinced Mom to face her domestic problems.

鮑勃是媽媽的第三任丈夫，但第三次不是魅力。當我們搬到普雷布爾縣時，媽媽和鮑勃已經開始打架了，其中許多打架會讓我睡不著覺。他們說了朋友和家人永遠不應該對彼此說的話：“去你媽的！“回到你的拖車公園，”媽媽有時會對鮑勃說，這是對他結婚前生活的引用。有時媽媽會帶我們去當地的汽車旅館，在那裡我們會躲幾天，直到媽媽或爸爸說服媽媽面對她的家庭問題。

Mom had a lot of Mamaw’s fire, which meant that she never allowed herself to become a victim during domestic disputes. It also meant that she often escalated normal disagreements beyond where they should go. During one of my second-grade football games, a tall, overweight mother muttered about why I had been given the ball on the previous play. Mom, a bleacher row behind the woman, overheard the comment and told her that I’d been given the ball because, unlike her child, I wasn’t a fat piece of shit who’d been raised by a fat piece-of-shit mother. By the time I observed the commotion on the sidelines, Bob was ripping Mom away with the woman’s hair still clenched in her hands. After the game, I asked Mom what happened, and she replied only, “No one criticizes my boy.” I beamed with pride.

媽媽對媽媽有很大的火，這意味著她從來不允許自己在家庭爭吵中成為受害者。這也意味著她經常將正常的分歧升級到他們應該去的地方。在我二年級的一場足球比賽中，一位身材高大、體重超重的母親嘟囔著為什麼在上一場比賽中給了我球。媽媽，在那個女人後面的看臺上，無意中聽到了這句話，並告訴她，我得到了這個球，因為與她的孩子不同，我不是由一個胖胖的狗屎媽媽撫養長大的胖子。當我看到場邊的騷動時，鮑勃正在把媽媽扯開，而那個女人的頭髮仍然緊握在她的手裡。比賽結束后，我問媽媽發生了什麼事，她只回答說：“沒有人批評我的孩子。我自豪地笑了。

In Preble County, with Mamaw and Papaw over forty-five minutes away, the fights turned into screaming matches. Often the subject was money, though it made little sense for a rural Ohio family with a combined income of over a hundred thousand dollars to struggle with money. But fight they did, because they bought things they didn’t need—new cars, new trucks, a swimming pool. By the time their short marriage fell apart, they were tens of thousands of dollars in debt, with nothing to show for it.

在普雷布爾縣，媽媽和爸爸還有四十五分鐘的路程，戰鬥變成了尖叫的比賽。通常主題是錢，儘管對於一個總收入超過十萬美元的俄亥俄州農村家庭來說，為錢而苦苦掙扎是沒有意義的。但是他們確實在戰鬥，因為他們買了他們不需要的東西——新車、新卡車、游泳池。當他們短暫的婚姻破裂時，他們已經欠下了數萬美元的債務，一無所獲。

Finances were the least of our problems. Mom and Bob had never been violent with each other, but that slowly started to change. I awoke one night to the sound of breaking glass—Mom had lobbed plates at Bob—and ran downstairs to see what was up. He was holding her against the kitchen counter, and she was flailing and biting at him. When she dropped to the ground, I ran to her lap. When Bob moved closer, I stood up and punched him in the face. He reared back (to return the blow, I figured), and I collapsed on the ground with my arms over my head in anticipation. The blow never came—Bob never was physically abusive—and my intervention somehow ended the fight. He walked over to the couch and sat down silently, staring at the wall; Mom and I meekly walked upstairs to bed.

財務是我們最不關心的問題。媽媽和鮑勃從來沒有對彼此施暴，但這種情況慢慢開始改變。一天晚上，我被玻璃破碎的聲音吵醒——媽媽把盤子扔給鮑勃——然後跑下樓去看看發生了什麼。他把她靠在廚房的櫃臺上，她揮舞著，咬著他。當她倒在地上時，我跑到她的腿上。當鮑勃走近時，我站起來打了他一拳。他向後退了一步（我想是為了還擊），我倒在地上，雙臂舉過頭頂，滿懷期待。打擊從未到來——鮑勃從未受到過身體虐待——我的干預以某種方式結束了這場戰鬥。他走到沙發前，靜靜地坐下，盯著牆;媽媽和我溫順地走上樓去睡覺。

Mom and Bob’s problems were my first introduction to marital conflict resolution. Here were the takeaways: Never speak at a reasonable volume when screaming will do; if the fight gets a little too intense, it’s okay to slap and punch, so long as the man doesn’t hit first; always express your feelings in a way that’s insulting and hurtful to your partner; if all else fails, take the kids and the dog to a local motel, and don’t tell your spouse where to find you—if he or she knows where the children are, he or she won’t worry as much, and your departure won’t be as effective.

媽媽和鮑勃的問題是我第一次介紹婚姻衝突的解決。以下是要點：當尖叫可以時，永遠不要以合理的音量說話;如果打架有點太激烈，可以扇耳光和拳打腳踢，只要男人不先打;總是以侮辱和傷害伴侶的方式表達你的感受;如果一切都失敗了，帶孩子和狗去當地的汽車旅館，不要告訴你的配偶在哪裡找你——如果他或她知道孩子在哪裡，他或她就不會那麼擔心，你的離開也不會那麼有效。

I began to do poorly in school. Many nights I’d lie in bed, unable to sleep because of the noise—the furniture rocking, heavy stomping, yelling, sometimes glass shattering. The next morning I’d wake up tired and depressed, meandering through the school day, thinking constantly about what awaited at home. I just wanted to retreat to a place where I could sit in silence. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on, as that was far too embarrassing. And though I hated school, I hated home more. When the teacher announced that we had only a few minutes to clear our desks before the bell rang, my heart sank. I’d stare at the clock as if it were a ticking bomb. Not even Mamaw understood how terrible things had become. My slipping grades were the first indication.

我開始在學校表現不佳。很多個晚上，我躺在床上，因為噪音而無法入睡——傢具搖晃、重重的跺腳、大喊大叫，有時玻璃碎裂。第二天早上，我醒來時又累又沮喪，在上學的日子裡蜿蜒曲折，不停地想著家裡等待著什麼。我只想退到一個可以靜靜地坐著的地方。我不能告訴任何人發生了什麼，因為這太尷尬了。雖然我討厭學校，但我更討厭家。當老師宣布我們只有幾分鐘的時間在鈴聲響起之前清理桌子時，我的心沉了下去。我會盯著時鐘，就好像它是一顆定時炸彈。就連媽媽也不明白事情變得多麼可怕。我的成績下滑是第一個跡象。

Not every day was like that, of course. But even when the house was ostensibly peaceful, our lives were so charged that I was constantly on guard. Mom and Bob never smiled at each other or said nice things to Lindsay and me anymore. You never knew when the wrong word would turn a quiet dinner into a terrible fight, or when a minor childhood transgression would send a plate or book flying across the room. It was like we were living among land mines—one wrong step, and kaboom.

當然，不是每一天都是這樣。但即使房子表面上很平靜，我們的生活也充滿了壓力，以至於我一直保持警惕。媽媽和鮑勃再也不會對彼此微笑，也不再對琳賽和我說過好話了。你永遠不知道什麼時候錯誤的詞會把一頓安靜的晚餐變成一場可怕的爭吵，或者什麼時候一個小小的童年過錯會讓一個盤子或一本書飛過房間。就像我們生活在地雷中一樣——走錯一步，然後咔嚓咔嚓。

Up to that point in my life, I was a perfectly fit and healthy child. I exercised constantly, and though I didn’t exactly watch what I ate, I didn’t have to. But I began to put on weight, and I was positively chubby by the time I started the fifth grade. I often felt sick and would complain of severe stomachaches to the school nurse. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, the trauma at home was clearly affecting my health. “Elementary students may show signs of distress through somatic complaints such as stomachaches, headaches, and pains,” reads one resource for school administrators who deal with children who suffer trauma at home. “These students may have a change in behavior, such as increased irritability, aggression, and anger. Their behaviors may be inconsistent. These students may show a change in school performance and have impaired attention and concentration and more school absences.” I just thought I was constipated or that I really hated my new hometown.

在我生命的那一刻，我是一個完全健康的孩子。我經常鍛煉，雖然我沒有完全注意我吃了什麼，但我不必這樣做。但是我開始發胖，到五年級時，我已經胖乎乎的了。我經常感到噁心，會向學校護士抱怨嚴重的胃痛。雖然我當時沒有意識到，但家裡的創傷顯然影響了我的健康。“小學生可能會通過胃痛、頭痛和疼痛等軀體疾病表現出痛苦的跡象，”為處理在家中遭受創傷的兒童的學校管理人員提供的一份資源中寫道。“這些學生的行為可能會發生變化，例如煩躁、攻擊性和憤怒增加。他們的行為可能不一致。這些學生可能會表現出學習成績的變化，注意力和注意力受損，缺課次數更多。我只是以為我便秘了，或者我真的很討厭我的新家鄉。

Mom and Bob weren’t that abnormal. It would be tough to chronicle all the outbursts and screaming matches I witnessed that had nothing to do with my family. My neighbor friend and I would play in his backyard until we heard screaming from his parents, and then we’d run into the alley and hide. Papaw’s neighbors would yell so loudly that we could hear it from inside his house, and it was so common that he’d always say, “Goddammit, there they go again.” I once saw a young couple’s argument at the local Chinese buffet escalate into a symphony of curse words and insults. Mamaw and I used to open the windows on one side of her house so we could hear the substance of the explosive fights between her neighbor Pattie and Pattie’s boyfriend. Seeing people insult, scream, and sometimes physically fight was just a part of our life. After a while, you didn’t even notice it.

媽媽和鮑勃並沒有那麼反常。很難記錄我目睹的所有與我的家人無關的爆發和尖叫比賽。我和我的鄰居朋友會在他的後院玩耍，直到我們聽到他父母的尖叫聲，然後我們就會跑進小巷躲起來。爸爸的鄰居會大聲喊叫，以至於我們可以從他家裡聽到，而且這種情況很常見，他總是說，“該死的，他們又來了。我曾經看到一對年輕夫婦在當地的中式自助餐上爭吵，升級為詛咒和侮辱的交響樂。媽媽和我過去常常打開她家一側的窗戶，這樣我們就可以聽到她的鄰居帕蒂和帕蒂的男朋友之間爆炸性戰鬥的實質。看到人們侮辱、尖叫，有時甚至打架只是我們生活的一部分。過了一會兒，你甚至沒有注意到它。

I always thought it was how adults spoke to one another. When Lori married Dan, I learned of at least one exception. Mamaw told me that Dan and Aunt Wee never screamed at each other because Dan was different. “He’s a saint,” she’d say. As we got to know Dan’s entire family, I realized that they were just nicer to each other. They didn’t yell at each other in public. I got the distinct impression that they didn’t yell at each other much in private, either. I thought they were frauds. Aunt Wee saw it differently. “I just assumed they were really weird. I knew they were genuine. I just figured they were genuinely odd.”

我一直以為這是大人彼此交談的方式。當洛瑞嫁給丹時，我至少瞭解到一個例外。媽媽告訴我，丹和點阿姨從來不對對方尖叫，因為丹是不同的。“他是個聖人，”她會說。當我們瞭解丹的整個家庭時，我意識到他們只是對彼此更好。他們沒有在公共場合互相大喊大叫。我得到的明顯印象是，他們私下裡也不怎麼互相大喊大叫。我以為他們是騙子。黃阿姨對此有不同的看法。“我只是覺得他們真的很奇怪。我知道他們是真的。我只是覺得他們真的很奇怪。

The never-ending conflict took its toll. Even thinking about it today makes me nervous. My heart begins to race, and my stomach leaps into my throat. When I was very young, all I wanted to do was get away from it—to hide from the fighting, go to Mamaw’s, or disappear. I couldn’t hide from it, because it was all around me.

永無止境的衝突造成了損失。即使今天想到它，我也會感到緊張。我的心開始跳動，我的胃跳到我的喉嚨里。在我很小的時候，我只想遠離它——躲避戰鬥，去媽媽家，或者消失。我無法躲避它，因為它就在我身邊。

Over time, I started to like the drama. Instead of hiding from it, I’d run downstairs or put my ear to the wall to get a better listen. My heart would still race, but in an anticipatory way, like it did when I was about to score in a basketball game. Even the fight that went too far—when I thought Bob was about to hit me—was less about a brave kid who intervened and more about a spectator who got a little too close to the action. This thing that I hated had become a sort of drug.

隨著時間的流逝，我開始喜歡這部劇。我沒有躲避它，而是跑下樓或把耳朵貼在牆上，以便更好地聆聽。我的心仍然會跳動，但以一種期待的方式，就像我即將在籃球比賽中得分時一樣。即使是那場打得太遠的戰鬥——當我以為鮑勃要打我的時候——也不是一個勇敢的孩子介入，而是一個離動作太近的觀眾。我討厭的這個東西已經變成了一種毒品。

One day I came home from school to see Mamaw’s car in the driveway. It was an ominous sign, as she never made unannounced visits to our Preble County home. She made an exception on this day because Mom was in the hospital, the result of a failed suicide attempt. For all the things I saw happening in the world around me, my eleven-year-old eyes missed so much. In her work at Middletown Hospital, Mom had met and fallen in love with a local fireman and begun a years-long affair. That morning Bob had confronted her about the affair and demanded a divorce. Mom had sped off in her brand-new minivan and intentionally crashed it into a telephone pole. That’s what she said, at least. Mamaw had her own theory: that Mom had tried to detract attention from her cheating and financial problems. As Mamaw said, “Who tries to kill themselves by crashing a fucking car? If she wanted to kill herself, I’ve got plenty of guns.”

有一天，我放學回家，看到媽媽的車停在車道上。這是一個不祥的跡象，因為她從未未經宣佈訪問過我們普雷布爾縣的家。這一天她破例了，因為媽媽在醫院裡，自殺未遂的結果。對於我看到的周圍世界發生的所有事情，我十一歲的眼睛錯過了太多。在米德爾敦醫院工作時，媽媽認識並愛上了當地的一名消防員，並開始了長達數年的戀情。那天早上，鮑勃就這件事質問她，並要求離婚。媽媽開著她嶄新的小型貨車飛馳而去，故意撞上了電線杆。至少她是這麼說的。媽媽有她自己的理論：媽媽試圖轉移對她作弊和財務問題的注意力。正如媽媽所說，「誰會想撞車自殺？如果她想自殺，我有很多槍。

Lindsay and I largely bought Mamaw’s view of things, and we felt relief more than anything—that Mom hadn’t really hurt herself, and that Mom’s attempted suicide would be the end of our Preble County experiment. She spent only a couple days in the hospital. Within a month, we moved back to Middletown, one block closer to Mamaw than we’d been before, with one less man in tow.

琳賽和我基本上接受了媽媽對事物的看法，我們感到寬慰比什麼都重要——媽媽並沒有真正傷害自己，媽媽的自殺未遂將是我們普雷布爾縣實驗的終結。她只在醫院住了幾天。不到一個月，我們搬回了米德爾敦，離媽媽比以前更近一個街區，少了一個人。

Despite the return to a familiar home, Mom’s behavior grew increasingly erratic. She was more roommate than parent, and of the three of us—Mom, Lindsay, and me—Mom was the roommate most prone to hard living. I’d go to bed only to wake up around midnight, when Lindsay got home from doing whatever teenagers do. I’d wake up again at two or three in the morning, when Mom got home. She had new friends, most of them younger and without kids. And she cycled through boyfriends, switching partners every few months. It was so bad that my best friend at the time commented on her “flavors of the month.” I’d grown accustomed to a certain amount of instability, but it was of a familiar type: There would be fighting or running away from fights; when things got rocky, Mom would explode on us or even slap or pinch us. I didn’t like it—who would?—but this new behavior was just strange. Though Mom had been many things, she hadn’t been a partier. When we moved back to Middletown, that changed.

儘管回到了熟悉的家，但媽媽的行為變得越來越古怪。她更像是室友而不是父母，在我們三個人——媽媽、琳賽和我——中，媽媽是最容易生活艱難的室友。我上床睡覺時，只是在午夜時分醒來，這時琳賽從青少年所做的事情回到家。我會在淩晨兩三點醒來，媽媽回到家。她有了新朋友，其中大多數都很年輕，沒有孩子。她迴圈換交男朋友，每隔幾個月就換一次伴侶。這太糟糕了，以至於我當時最好的朋友評論了她的“本月口味”。我已經習慣了一定程度的不穩定，但這是一種熟悉的類型：會有戰鬥或逃避戰鬥;當事情變得艱難時，媽媽會對我們大發雷霆，甚至扇我們耳光或捏我們。我不喜歡它——誰會呢?——但這種新行為實在是太奇怪了。儘管媽媽有許多東西，但她並不是一個參與者。當我們搬回米德爾敦時，情況發生了變化。

With partying came alcohol, and with alcohol came alcohol abuse and even more bizarre behavior. One day when I was about twelve, Mom said something that I don’t remember now, but I recall running out the door without my shoes and going to Mamaw’s house. For two days, I refused to speak to or see my mother. Papaw, worried about the disintegrating relationship between his daughter and her son, begged me to see her.

隨著聚會而來的是酒精，隨著酒精而來的是酗酒，甚至更奇怪的行為。在我十二歲左右的一天，媽媽說了一句我現在不記得的話，但我記得我沒有穿鞋就跑出門去媽媽家。有兩天，我拒絕與母親交談或見母親。爸爸擔心女兒和兒子之間的關係破裂，懇求我去見她。

So I listened to the apology that I’d heard a million times before. Mom was always good at apologies. Maybe she had to be—if she didn’t say “sorry,” then Lindsay and I never would have spoken to her. But I think she really meant it. Deep down, she always felt guilty about the things that happened, and she probably even believed that—as promised—they’d “never happen again.” They always did, though.

於是我聽了那句道歉，這話我以前聽過一百萬次。媽媽總是善於道歉。也許她必須這樣——如果她不說“對不起”，那麼琳賽和我永遠不會和她說話。但我認為她是認真的。在內心深處，她總是對發生的事情感到內疚，她甚至可能相信——正如承諾的那樣——它們“永遠不會再發生”。不過，他們總是這樣做。

This time was no different. Mom was extra-apologetic because her sin was extra-bad. So her penance was extra-good: She promised to take me to the mall and buy me football cards. Football cards were my kryptonite, so I agreed to join her. It was probably the biggest mistake of my life.

這次也不例外。媽媽特別道歉，因為她的罪特別嚴重。所以她的懺悔是特別好的：她答應帶我去商場，給我買足球卡。足球卡是我的氪石，所以我同意加入她。這可能是我一生中最大的錯誤。

We got on the highway, and I said something that ignited her temper. So she sped up to what seemed like a hundred miles per hour and told me that she was going to crash the car and kill us both. I jumped into the backseat, thinking that if I could use two seat belts at once, I’d be more likely to survive the impact. This infuriated her more, so she pulled over to beat the shit out of me. When she did, I leaped out of the car and ran for my life. We were in a rural part of the state, and I ran through a large field of grass, the tall blades slapping my ankles as I sped away. I happened upon a small house with an aboveground pool. The owner—an overweight woman about the same age as Mom—was floating on her back, enjoying the nice June weather.

我們上了高速公路，我說了一句話，點燃了她的脾氣。於是她加速到每小時一百英里的速度，告訴我她要撞車，把我們倆都殺了。我跳到後座上，想著如果我能同時使用兩條安全帶，我就更有可能在撞擊中倖存下來。這更激怒了她，所以她停下來把我打得狗屎滾滾。當她這樣做時，我跳下車逃命。我們在該州的一個農村地區，我跑過一大片草地，高大的刀片拍打著我的腳踝，我飛馳而去。我碰巧遇到了一個帶地上游泳池的小房子。主人——一個和媽媽差不多大的超重女人——正漂浮在她的背上，享受著六月的美好天氣。

“You have to call my mamaw!” I screamed. “Please help me. My mom is trying to kill me.” The woman clambered out of the pool as I looked around fearfully, terrified of any sign of my mother. We went inside, and I called Mamaw and repeated the woman’s address. “Please hurry up,” I told her. “Mom is going to find me.”

“你得叫我媽媽！”我尖叫起來。“請幫幫我。我媽媽想殺了我。那個女人從游泳池裡爬了出來，我害怕地環顧四周，害怕我母親的任何跡象。我們進去了，我打電話給媽媽，重複了那個女人的位址。“請快點，”我告訴她。“媽媽會來找我的。”

Mom did find me. She must have seen where I ran from the highway. She banged on the door and demanded that I come out. I begged the owner not to open the door, so she locked the doors and promised Mom that her two dogs—each no bigger than a medium-sized house cat—would attack her if she tried to enter. Eventually Mom broke down the woman’s door and dragged me out as I screamed and clutched for anything—the screen door, the guardrails on the steps, the grass on the ground. The woman stood there and watched, and I hated her for doing nothing. But she had in fact done something: In the minutes between my call to Mamaw and Mom’s arrival, the woman had apparently dialed 911. So as Mom dragged me to her car, two police cruisers pulled up, and the cops who got out put Mom in handcuffs. She did not go quietly; they wrestled her into the back of a cruiser. Then she was gone.

媽媽確實找到了我。她一定看到了我從高速公路上跑到哪裡去了。她砰地敲門，要我出來。我懇求主人不要開門，於是她鎖上了門，並向媽媽保證，如果她試圖進去，她的兩隻狗——每隻都不比一隻中型家貓大——會攻擊她。最後，媽媽破闖了那個女人的門，把我拖了出去，我尖叫著，抓著東西——紗門、台階上的護欄、地上的草。那個女人站在那裡看著，我恨她什麼都不做。但她實際上做了一些事情：在我給媽媽打電話和媽媽到來的幾分鐘內，那個女人顯然撥打了911。當媽媽把我拖到她的車上時，兩輛警車停了下來，下車的員警給媽媽戴上了手銬。她沒有悄悄地走;他們把她摔到一艘巡洋艦的後面。然後她就走了。

The second cop put me in the back of his cruiser as we waited for Mamaw to arrive. I have never felt so lonely, watching that cop interview the homeowner—still in her soaking-wet bathing suit, flanked by two pint-sized guard dogs—unable to open the cruiser door from the inside, and unsure when I could expect Mamaw’s arrival. I had begun to daydream when the car door swung open, and Lindsay crawled into the cruiser with me and clutched me to her chest so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. We didn’t cry; we said nothing. I just sat there being squeezed to death and feeling like all was right with the world.

第二個員警把我放在他的巡洋艦後面，我們等著媽媽到來。我從未感到如此孤獨，看著那個警察採訪房主——她仍然穿著濕透的泳衣，兩側是兩隻小小的護衛犬——無法從裡面打開巡洋艦的門，也不確定我什麼時候能期待媽媽的到來。當車門打開時，我開始做白日夢，琳賽和我一起爬進巡洋艦，把我緊緊地抱在她的胸口，以至於我無法呼吸。我們沒有哭;我們什麼也沒說。我只是坐在那裡被擠得死去活來，感覺這個世界一切都很好。

When we got out of the car, Mamaw and Papaw hugged me and asked if I was okay. Mamaw spun me around to inspect me. Papaw spoke with the police officer about where to find his incarcerated daughter. Lindsay never let me out of her sight. It had been the scariest day of my life. But the hard part was over.

當我們下車時，媽媽和爸爸擁抱了我，問我是否還好。媽媽把我轉過身來檢查我。Papaw與警官討論了在哪裡可以找到他被監禁的女兒。琳賽從不讓我離開她的視線。那是我一生中最可怕的一天。但困難的部分已經過去了。

When we got home, none of us could talk. Mamaw wore a silent, terrifying anger. I hoped that she would calm down before Mom got out of jail. I was exhausted and wanted only to lie on the couch and watch TV. Lindsay went upstairs and took a nap. Papaw collected a food order for Wendy’s. On his way to the front door, he stopped and stood over me on the couch. Mamaw had left the room temporarily. Papaw placed his hand on my forehead and began to sob. I was so afraid that I didn’t even look up at his face. I had never heard of him crying, never seen him cry, and assumed he was so tough that he hadn’t even cried as a baby. He held that pose for a little while, until we both heard Mamaw approaching the living room. At that point he collected himself, wiped his eyes, and left. Neither of us ever spoke of that moment.

當我們回到家時，我們誰也說不出話來。媽媽帶著一種無聲的、可怕的憤怒。我希望她在媽媽出獄之前冷靜下來。我筋疲力盡，只想躺在沙發上看電視。琳賽上樓打了個盹。Papaw 為 Wendy's 收集了一份食品訂單。在他去前門的路上，他停了下來，站在沙發上。媽媽暫時離開了房間。爸爸把手放在我的額頭上，開始抽泣。我嚇得連抬頭都沒看他的臉。我從來沒聽過他哭過，也沒見過他哭過，我還以為他太堅強了，連嬰兒時期都沒哭過。他保持了這個姿勢一會兒，直到我們倆都聽到媽媽走近客廳。說完，他收拾好自己，擦了擦眼睛，然後離開了。我們倆都沒有說過那一刻。

Mom was released from jail on bond and prosecuted for a domestic violence misdemeanor. The case depended entirely on me. Yet during the hearing, when asked if Mom had ever threatened me, I said no. The reason was simple: My grandparents were paying a lot of money for the town’s highest-powered lawyer. They were furious with my mother, but they didn’t want their daughter in jail, either. The lawyer never explicitly encouraged dishonesty, but he did make it clear that what I said would either increase or decrease the odds that Mom spent additional time in prison. “You don’t want your mom to go to jail, do you?” he asked. So I lied, with the express understanding that even though Mom would have her liberty, I could live with my grandparents whenever I wished. Mom would officially retain custody, but from that day forward I lived in her house only when I chose to—and Mamaw told me that if Mom had a problem with the arrangement, she could talk to the barrel of Mamaw’s gun. This was hillbilly justice, and it didn’t fail me.

媽媽被保釋出獄，並因家庭暴力輕罪被起訴。這個案子完全取決於我。然而，在聽證會上，當被問及媽媽是否曾經威脅過我時，我說沒有。原因很簡單：我的祖父母花了很多錢請了鎮上權力最大的律師。他們對我母親很生氣，但他們也不想讓女兒坐牢。律師從未明確鼓勵不誠實，但他確實明確表示，我說的話會增加或減少媽媽在監獄里度過更多時間的幾率。“你不想讓媽進監獄，是嗎？”他問。於是我撒了謊，明確表示即使媽媽有自由，我也可以隨時和爺爺奶奶住在一起。媽媽將正式保留監護權，但從那天起，我只在我選擇的時候才住在她家裡——媽媽告訴我，如果媽媽對這個安排有問題，她可以對著媽媽的槍駕駛說話。這是鄉巴佬的正義，它沒有讓我失望。

I remember sitting in that busy courtroom, with half a dozen other families all around, and thinking they looked just like us. The moms and dads and grandparents didn’t wear suits like the lawyers and judge. They wore sweatpants and stretchy pants and T-shirts. Their hair was a bit frizzy. And it was the first time I noticed “TV accents”—the neutral accent that so many news anchors had. The social workers and the judge and the lawyer all had TV accents. None of us did. The people who ran the courthouse were different from us. The people subjected to it were not.

我記得我坐在那個繁忙的法庭上，周圍有六個家庭，我想他們看起來和我們一樣。爸爸媽媽和爺爺奶奶不像律師和法官那樣穿西裝。他們穿著運動褲、彈力褲和T恤。他們的頭髮有點捲曲。這是我第一次注意到「電視口音」——許多新聞主播都有的中性口音。社工、法官和律師都有電視口音。我們都沒有這樣做。管理法院的人和我們不一樣。受其影響的人不是。

Identity is an odd thing, and I didn’t understand at the time why I felt such kinship with these strangers. A few months later, during my first trip to California, I began to understand. Uncle Jimmy flew Lindsay and me to his home in Napa, California. Knowing that I’d be visiting him, I told every person I could that I was headed to California in the summer and, what was more, flying for the first time. The main reaction was disbelief that my uncle had enough money to fly two people—neither of whom were his children—out to California. It is a testament to the class consciousness of my youth that my friends’ thoughts drifted first to the cost of an airplane flight.

身份是一件奇怪的事情，我當時不明白為什麼我和這些陌生人有如此親切的感覺。幾個月後，在我第一次去加利福尼亞旅行時，我開始理解。吉米舅舅把我和琳賽送到了他在加利福尼亞州納帕的家。知道我會去看望他，我告訴每一個人，我將在夏天前往加利福尼亞，更重要的是，這是我第一次坐飛機。主要的反應是不相信我叔叔有足夠的錢讓兩個人——他們都不是他的孩子——飛到加利福尼亞。這證明瞭我年輕時的階級意識，我朋友的思想首先飄到了飛機飛行的費用上。

For my part, I was overjoyed to travel west and visit Uncle Jimmy, a man I idolized on par with my great-uncles, the Blanton men. Despite the early departure, I didn’t sleep a wink on the six-hour flight from Cincinnati to San Francisco. Everything was just too exciting: the way the earth shrank during takeoff, the look of clouds from close up, the scope and size of the sky, and the way the mountains looked from the stratosphere. The flight attendant took notice, and by the time we hit Colorado, I was making regular visits to the cockpit (this was before 9/11), where the pilot gave me brief lessons in flying an airplane and updated me on our progress.

就我而言，我很高興能向西旅行並拜訪吉米叔叔，我崇拜他與我的叔叔布蘭頓人相提並論。儘管出發時間很早，但在從辛辛那提到三藩市的六個小時飛行中，我沒有睡過一個眨眼。一切都太令人興奮了：地球在起飛時收縮的方式，從近處看雲層的樣子，天空的範圍和大小，以及從平流層看山脈的方式。空乘人員注意到了，當我們到達科羅拉多州時，我定期訪問駕駛艙（這是在 9/11 之前），飛行員在那裡給我上了駕駛飛機的簡短課程，並向我介紹了我們的進展。

The adventure had just begun. I had traveled out of state before: I had joined my grandparents on road trips to South Carolina and Texas, and I visited Kentucky regularly. On those trips, I rarely spoke to anyone except family, and I never noticed anything all that different. Napa was like a different country. In California, every day included a new adventure with my teenage cousins and their friends. During one trip we went to the Castro District of San Francisco so that, in the words of my older cousin Rachael, I could learn that gay people weren’t out to molest me. Another day, we visited a winery. On yet another day, we helped at my cousin Nate’s high school football practice. It was all very exciting. Everyone I met thought I sounded like I was from Kentucky. Of course, I kind of was from Kentucky. And I loved that people thought I had a funny accent. That said, it became clear to me that California really was something else. I’d visited Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Columbus, and Lexington. I’d spent a considerable amount of time in South Carolina, Kentucky, Tennessee, and even Arkansas. So why was California so different?

冒險才剛剛開始。我以前去過州外：我和祖父母一起去南卡羅來納州和德克薩斯州旅行，我經常去肯塔基州。在那些旅行中，除了家人，我很少和任何人說話，我從來沒有注意到任何不同的東西。納帕就像一個不同的國家。在加利福尼亞，每一天都包括與我十幾歲的表兄弟和他們的朋友一起進行新的冒險。在一次旅行中，我們去了三藩市的卡斯特羅區，用我的表妹瑞秋的話來說，我可以瞭解到同性戀者不會騷擾我。另一天，我們參觀了一家酒莊。又有一天，我們在我表弟內特的高中橄欖球訓練中幫忙。這一切都非常令人興奮。我遇到的每個人都認為我聽起來像是來自肯塔基州。當然，我有點來自肯塔基州。我喜歡人們認為我的口音很有趣。話雖如此，我很清楚加州真的是另一回事。我去過匹茲堡、克利夫蘭、哥倫布和列剋星敦。我在南卡羅來納州、肯塔基州、田納西州甚至阿肯色州度過了相當長的時間。那麼，為什麼加州如此不同呢？

The answer, I’d learn, was the same hillbilly highway that brought Mamaw and Papaw from eastern Kentucky to southwest Ohio. Despite the topographical differences and the different regional economies of the South and the industrial Midwest, my travels had been confined largely to places where the people looked and acted like my family. We ate the same foods, watched the same sports, and practiced the same religion. That’s why I felt so much kinship with those people at the courthouse: They were hillbilly transplants in one way or another, just like me.

據我所知，答案是將媽媽和爸爸從肯塔基州東部帶到俄亥俄州西南部的同一條鄉巴佬高速公路。儘管南部和中西部工業區的地形和區域經濟存在差異，但我的旅行主要局限於人們看起來和行為都像我的家人的地方。我們吃同樣的食物，看同樣的運動，信奉同樣的宗教。這就是為什麼我和法院裡的那些人有如此多的親戚關係：他們和我一樣，在某種程度上都是鄉巴佬移植的。