# ■ 17

This was the first time she had seen or heard of d’Urberville since she had left Trantridge．And although he stood there openly as a preacher，as a religious man，she still felt afraid of him．He had changed his clothes，his hair，his moustache and his expression，but could she really believe that he had changed his most secret thoughts and beliefs？

As soon as she recovered from her surprise，she moved away so that he would not notice her．But he suddenly caught sight of her，and the effect on him was electric．His enthusiasm faded，his voice hesitated，his lips trembled，his eyes dropped in confusion．Tess walked rapidly away along the road．

However，as she walked she felt he must be looking at her back as she walked away．And now she knew she could never escape the past，as she had hoped．Reminders of her past would surround her until she died．As she walked uphill she heard footsteps behind her，and，turning，saw that it was the one person in the whole world she did not want to meet this side of the grave．

‘Tess！’he said．‘I'm Alec d’Urberville！’

‘I see you are，’she said coldly．They walked on together．

‘You may wonder why I'm following you．Well，I feel you are the person I would most like to save from hell．So I have come to do that．’

‘Have you saved yourself？’Tess asked bitterly．

‘God has done it all，not me！I must tell you how I came to believe in Him．Have you ever heard of the parson of Emminster，old Mr Clare？A very strict，sincere man．’

‘I have，’said Tess．

‘Well，he came to Trantridge once and tried to show me how wicked my life was．I insulted him at the time．But later my mother died，and somehow I began to think about what old Mr Clare said．Since then my one desire has been to help others to understand God too…’

‘Don't go on！’cried Tess．‘I can't believe in such a sudden change！I almost hate you for talking to me like this， when you know how you've ruined my life！You enjoy yourself for a while and then you make sure of your place in heaven！’As she spoke she looked him full in the face with her great beautiful eyes．

‘Don't look at me like that！’said Alec．‘Your eyes remind me of—well，women's faces have too much power over me．Don't look at me！It might be dangerous for you！’

Eventually they came to a crossroads，where a strange stone stood．It was a lonely，unfriendly place，where people did not like to stay for long．Alec stopped here．

‘I must go to the right here．I'm preaching at six this evening．Tell me，how has your life been since we last met？’

Tess told him about the baby．Alec was shocked．

‘You should have told me！But before we part，come，put your hand on this stone．It was once a holy cross．I'm afraid of your power over me．Swear on the cross that you will never tempt me into wickedness！’

‘Good God！How can you ask such an unnecessary thing！I don't want to see you ever again！’

‘No，but swear it．’

Tess placed her hand on the stone and swore．

‘I shall pray for you，’called Alec as he walked away．‘Who knows，we may meet again！’

Tess went on her way，feeling upset，and soon met a man on the road．He told her that the cross was not religious，but marked the place where a criminal was put to death and buried．Trembling a little at this information，she finally arrived at Flintcomb－Ash．

One day the following week when Tess was working in the fields as usual，Alec d’Urberville came to see her．He explained to her that he intended to sell his land at Trantridge and go to help poor people in Africa．

‘Will you help me put right the wicked thing I did to you？Will you be my wife？’

‘Oh no，sir！’she cried，horrified．

‘Why not？’Disappointment was visible in his face．It was not only duty which pushed him to make this offer，but also his old passion for her．

‘You know I don't love you，’answered Tess．‘In fact，I love somebody else．’

‘Perhaps that is only a passing feeling…’

‘No！’

‘Yes！Why not？You must tell me！’

‘Well，then… I have married him．’

‘Ah！’he cried and looked hard at her．

‘It's a secret here，’she begged．‘Please don't tell anybody．’

‘Who is he？’asked d’Urberville．‘Where is he？Why isn't he here to look after you？What sort of husband can he be，leaving you to work like this？’

‘Don't ask！’cried Tess，her eyes flashing．

‘Your eyes！’whispered Alec．‘I thought I no longer felt anything for you，but when I look into your eyes…’He took her hand．

She pulled it quickly away．

‘Go now，please，in the name of your new religion，go！Respect me and my husband！’

‘Don't worry，I can control myself．I just hoped that our marriage would take away the bad in both of us．But that plan is no good now．’He walked slowly away，his head bent in thought．

The farmer approached at that moment and was angry with Tess for wasting time talking to a stranger．Tess preferred hard words from this man of stone to sweet ones from Alec d’Urberville．For a moment，however，she imagined escaping from her present hard life by marrying Alec，but rejected it immediately．

At home that night she began a letter to Clare，telling him of her great love for him．Reading between the lines he would have seen her secret fear for the future．But again she could not finish the letter，thinking of his offer to lzz，and so he never received it．

On a Sunday in February she was eating her lunch in the cottage where she lived，when d’Urberville knocked at the door．He rushed in and threw himself into a chair．

‘Tess！’he cried desperately．‘I can't help it！I can't stop thinking of you！Pray for me，Tess！’

Tess did not pity him．‘I cannot because I don't believe God would change His plans just because I asked Him．’

‘Who told you that？’

‘My husband．’

‘Ah，your dear husband… Tell me what he believes．’

Tess explained，as clearly as she could remember，Angel's beliefs．Alec watched her closely．

‘The fact is，you just believe whatever he says．That's just like you women！’

‘Ah，that's because he knows everything！’Tess replied with enthusiasm．‘What is good enough for him is good enough for me．’

‘H'm，interesting，’murmured d’Urberville．‘Perhaps he understands religion better than old Mr Clare．Perhaps he's right not to attach too much importance to the Bible and to fixed ideas．Perhaps I was wrong to become a preacher．Today I should be preaching at half－past two，and here I am！My passion for you was too strong for me！’

‘You have let all those people down？They are waiting for you！’

‘What do I care？You are the one woman I have always wanted．Why have you tempted me away from religion？I can't resist you！’His black eyes flashed passionately．He advanced towards her．

‘I couldn't help your seeing me again！’cried Tess，moving nervously away from him．‘Please leave me！Remember I am married！Remember I can't defend myself！’

Alec stopped，turned，and went out without another word．But he went on thinking of Angel's religious logic，as explained by Tess．It seemed to make sense．‘That clever husband doesn't know that his ideas may lead me back to her！’he laughed to himself．

In March the threshing－machine came for a day to Flintcomb－Ash．It was a huge red machine which ate all the corn the farm－workers could feed it．Next to it stood the engine which ran it，and the engineer．He lived in a world of fire and smoke，and was permanently black，as if he came from hell．The farmer put Tess next to the threshing－machine，so that she had the hardest and most tiring job of all．She had little chance to talk or rest，and at lunch time was about to start eating when she noticed d’Urberville approaching．He had Changed his parson's clothes and now looked just like the young gentleman she had first met at Trantridge．

‘I am here again，you see，’he said，smiling at her．

‘Why do you bother me like this？’she cried．

‘You trouble me！Your eyes look at me night and day．I can't forget them．Tess，when you told me about that child of ours，my feelings for you became strong again．I have lost interest in religion and it is your fault！’

‘You have stopped preaching？’asked Tess，shocked．

‘I have．What a lot of stupid people they are to listen to a preacher anyway！And I am convinced that your wonderful husband's views are better than old Parson Clare's．I don't know how I became so enthusiastic！So now，here I am，my love，just as in the old times！’

‘Not like that at all，no，now it's different！’she said firmly．‘Oh why couldn't you stay religious？’

‘Because you've explained your husband's ideas so well to me that I accept them！Ha ha！But seriously，Tess，you need help．I am here and this husband of yours is not．Come with me！My carriage is waiting the other side of the field！You have tempted me，now share my life for ever！’He put an arm round her waist．Tess was red with anger but said nothing．She picked up a heavy leather glove and hit him in the face with it．It was an action which her ancestors must have often practised．Alec jumped up and wiped the blood from his mouth．

‘Remember one thing！’he said angrily，only just controlling himself as he held her by the shoulders．‘Remember，my lady，if you are any man's wife，you are mine！I will have you again！I'll come back for an answer later on！’

So he left，and the farm－workers started the afternoon's threshing．It went on until the evening，as the work had to be finished that day．Tess became more and more exhausted and was near to fainting when they finally stopped．Alec d’Urberville，who had been waiting for this moment，appeared at her side．

‘You are so weak，’he said，holding her arm．‘I've told the farmer he should not use women for work with the threshing－machine．It's too hard．I'll walk home with you．’

‘Oh yes，please do！’murmured Tess，too tired to be afraid of him．‘You are kind sometimes．And at least you wanted to put right the wrong by offering to marry me．’

‘If I can't marry you，at least I can help you．I have finished with religion．But you must trust me！I have enough money to help your family and make them comfortable．’

‘Have you seen them lately？’asked Tess quickly．‘God knows they need help…but no—no，I can take nothing from you，either for them or for me！Please leave me alone！’

As soon as she reached her room she wrote a passionate letter to Angel．My own husband，

I must call you that．I must ask you for help—I have no one else！I am so open to temptation，Angel！I cannot tell you who it is．Can't you come to me now，before anything terrible happens？I know you are far away，but I need help！I know I deserved the punishment you gave me，but please，Angel，please be kind to me！If you would come，I could die in your arms！

I live only for you．Don't think I shall be bitter because you left me．I am so lonely without you，my darling！

Haven't you ever felt one little bit of your love for me at the dairy？I am the same woman you fell in love with then，the very same．As soon as I met you，the past was dead for me．Can't you see this？

How silly I was to trust that you would always love me！I ought to have known I couldn't be so lucky．

People say I am still rather pretty，Angel．But I don't care about my looks because you are not here．

If you won't come to me，could I come to you？I'm so worried！I'm afraid I may fall into some wicked trap．Save me from what threatens me！

Your faithful heartbroken

Tess

■ A Change Man

■ 一個悔過自新的人

■ 17

自從離開純瑞脊之後，這是她第一次見到或聽說德伯。雖然他是以一個傳道士、一個虔誠的基督徒的身份公然地站在那裡，可是，她對他仍然感到恐懼。他已經改變了他的裝束、他的髮型、他的鬍鬚和他的表情，可是她真地能相信他已經改變了他內心最深處暗藏的想法和信念嗎？

她一從驚異中緩過神來，就趕緊走開了，想避免讓他注意到她。但是他突然看見她了，這一發現給他帶來了觸電般的震驚。他的激情消退了，他的聲音含糊了，他的嘴脣哆嗦著，他的眼睛慌亂不安地瞟來瞟去。苔絲加快步伐上了路。

然而，她一邊走一邊覺得他在她離開時一定盯著她的背影看。現在她知道了，她永遠都無法如她所希望的那樣擺脫過去。在她死去之前，她過去經歷的各種見證者重重包圍著她。當她朝著山上走去時，她聽到背後響起了腳步聲，她掉過頭去，看見的是那個只要她一息猶存，便最不願意在這世上見到的人。

“苔絲！”他說，“我是亞歷克·德伯！”

“我知道是你，”她冷漠地回答。他們一起朝前走著。

“你一定納悶，為什麼我要跟著你。嗯，我覺得你是我最想從地獄中拯救的一個人。所以我就來這麼做了。”

“你拯救了你自己嗎？”

“是上帝做了這一切，不是我！我得告訴你我是怎樣漸漸地相信他的。你曾經聽說過愛敏斯特的牧師，老克萊爾先生嗎？一個嚴格、真誠的人。”

“我聽說過，”苔絲說道。

“嗯，有一次他來到純瑞脊，竭力給我指出我當時的生活是多麼邪惡。那時候，我辱罵了他。可是後來，我母親去世了，不知怎麼地，我開始思考老克萊爾先生說過的話。打那以後，我唯一的願望就是幫助其他人，還有了解上帝……”

“別再說下去了！”苔絲叫了起來，“我不能相信這樣一個突如其來的改變！你這樣跟我說話，我幾乎要恨你了！你知道，你怎樣地把我的生活給毀掉了！你尋歡作樂了一段時間後，又要確保在天堂裡給你留個地方！”她用她那雙美麗的大眼睛直直地盯著他的臉，說道。

“別這樣看著我！”亞歷克說，“你的眼睛讓我回想起了——唉，女人的臉蛋對我的威力真是太大了。別看著我！這可能對你有危險！”

終於，他們來到了一處三岔路口，那兒豎著一塊奇異的石頭。這是個荒僻、險惡的地方，人們都不喜歡在此久留，亞歷克在這兒停住了。

“我得在這兒右拐了，今晚六點鐘我還要講道呢。跟我說說，我們分手以後你的生活怎麼樣？”

苔絲跟他說了孩子的事。亞歷克很震驚。

“你早該告訴我！那麼，來，在我們分手之前，你把手放在這塊石頭上，這裡有過一個神聖的十字架。我很害怕你對我產生的威力。對著十字架發誓你永遠不會引誘我犯罪！”

“我的天哪！你怎麼會要我做這種毫無必要的事！我連見都不想再見你！”

“沒錯，不過，發誓吧。”

苔絲把她的手放在石頭上，發了誓。

“我會為你祈禱的，”亞歷克一邊走一邊喊道，“誰知道呢，也許我們還會再見面的！”

苔絲怏怏不樂地繼續她的路程，不久，她在路上碰見了一個人，他告訴她，那個十字架沒有宗教的含義，而是給一個罪犯被判處死刑和埋葬的地方做個標記。聽到這件事情讓苔絲有些發顫。終於，她走到了弗林特石灰谷。

接下來的那個星期，有一天苔絲正像平常那樣在地裡幹活兒，亞歷克·德伯看她來了。他向她說明他打算把純瑞脊的土地賣了，然後去非洲救助那兒的窮人。

“你願意幫我挽回我對你犯下的罪過嗎？你願意做我的妻子嗎？”

“哦，不，先生！”她驚駭地叫道。

“為什麼不行？”他臉上的失望顯而易見。不僅僅是他的責任促使他提出這個請求，還有他對她昔日的激情。

“你知道我不愛你，”苔絲回答說，“實際上，我愛上別人了。”

“也許那只是一時的感情……”

“不是！”

“是的！為什麼不是？你一定得告訴我！”

“嗯，那麼……我已經嫁給他了。”

“啊！”他驚叫起來，愕然地注視著她。

“在這兒，這是個祕密，”她請求道，“請不要告訴任何人。”

“他是誰？”德伯問道，“他在哪兒？他為什麼不在這兒照料你？把你拋下幹這樣的活兒，他算哪門子的丈夫？”

“別問了！”苔絲叫道，她的眼睛閃著光。

“你的眼睛！”亞歷克喃喃說道，“我原以為我對你已不再有什麼感覺了，但是，當我看到你的眼睛……”他抓住了她的手。

她急忙抽了出來。

“走吧，請你走吧，以你的新信仰的名義，走吧！請尊重我和我的丈夫！”

“別擔心，我能控制自己。我原來只是希望我們的結合能除去我們兩個人身上的罪惡。可是這個計劃現在看來已經不合適了。”他慢慢地走開了，低頭沉思著什麼。

這時，農場主過來了，他對苔絲浪費時間和一個陌生人交談這事大為惱火。苔絲寧願受到這個冷酷的人的嚴厲譴責，也不願意聽到亞歷克·德怕的甜言蜜語。然而，有一刻她想象著與亞歷克結婚來擺脫她目前艱難的生活，但是立即又打消了這個念頭。

那晚，她在房子裡開始給克萊爾寫信，傾訴她對他深厚的愛情。從字裡行間，他原可以體會她對未來暗藏的恐懼。可是她又想起了他對伊茨的請求，又一次沒能把信寫完，因此，他根本就收不到這封信。

2月的一個星期天，她正在她住的小房子裡吃著午飯，德伯敲響了門，他衝了進來，一屁股坐在了椅子上。

“苔絲！”他聲嘶力竭地喊道，“我無法剋制自己！我無法停止想你！為我祈禱吧，苔絲！”

苔絲並不同情他。“我不能。因為我相信上帝不會因為我的請求就改變他的安排。”

“誰這麼跟你說的？”

“我的丈夫。”

“啊，你親愛的丈夫……告訴我，他都相信些什麼。”

苔絲根據記憶，儘可能清楚地闡述著安吉爾的信念。亞歷克密切地注視著他。

“事實上就是，你相信他說的每一句話。你們女人都是這樣的。”

“哦，那是因為他知道一切事情！”苔絲充滿激情地回答道，“對他足夠好的東西對我同樣足夠好。”

“哼，真有意思，”德怕咕噥著，“也許他比老克萊爾先生更好地理解了宗教。也許他是對的，不要太受《聖經》和那些教條觀念的束縛。也許是我錯了，竟想成為一個傳教士。今天，我應該在兩點半的時候講道，但是我在這兒！我對你的感情太熾烈了！”

“你讓那些人都失望了？他們正在等著你呢！”

“我在乎什麼？你一直是我想要的女人。為什麼你把我從宗教信仰裡誘惑出來了？我無法抵禦你！”他的黑眼睛顯露出心蕩神馳的情慾，他一步步朝她靠近。

“我無法讓你不再見到我！”苔絲叫著，神經質地從他身邊閃開，“請離開我吧！記住我已經結婚了！記住我無法保護自己！”

亞歷克不動了，一句話也沒再說，轉身走了出去。但是，他還在繼續思考著苔絲闡述的安吉爾的宗教邏輯。它看起來合情合理。“那個聰明的丈夫不知道他的思想可能會把我重新牽回到她身邊！”他在心裡竊笑道。

3月的一天，弗林特庫姆一帶來了一輛打穀機。這是一臺大型的紅色機器，它可以吞掉農場工人們裝進去的所有麥子。它的旁邊放著一臺開動它的發動機，還站著一個技師。他生活在一個煙與火的世界裡，永遠是黑乎乎的，好像從地獄裡來的一般。農場主安排苔絲站到打穀機邊上，這樣她就得幹最繁重最乏味的活兒。她幾乎沒有機會說話或休息。到了午飯時間，她正準備吃飯時，看見德伯過來了。他已經換掉了那身牧師的服裝，現在看起來就與她在純瑞脊初次遇到時的那個年輕的紳士一樣。

“你看，我又來了。”他笑著對她說。

“你為什麼老來煩我呀！”她大叫起來。

“是你擾亂了我的心！你的眼睛日日夜夜地注視著我。我無法忘記它們。苔絲，當你把我們的孩子的事跟我說了的時候，我對你的感情又變得熾烈起來了。對宗教我已經失去了興趣，這是你的罪過。”

“你已經停止佈道了嗎？”苔絲震驚地問道。

“是的，停止了。總之，他們是多麼愚蠢的一大群人啊，聽一個傳教士佈道！我為你那偉大的丈夫的觀點折服了，我確信他的觀點比老克萊爾牧師的好。真不知道我怎麼就變得熱情高漲了！所以，現在，我來了，親愛的，就像過去的日子一樣！”

“一點兒也不像那樣了，不，現在情況不同了！”她堅決地說道，“哦，為什麼你不能保持你對宗教的虔誠？”

“因為你如此生動地向我解釋了你丈夫的觀點，我接受它們了！哈哈！不過，說正經的，苔絲，你需要幫助。我在這兒，而你的那個丈夫不在。跟我來吧！我的馬車就在田那頭等著！你已經引誘我了，現在，永遠地和我一起共享生活吧！”他伸出一隻手臂，攬住了她的腰。苔絲氣得漲紅了臉，可是一句話都說不出來。她抓起了一隻笨重的皮手套，朝他的臉打去。這一定是她的祖先們經常要練習的動作。亞歷克跳了起來，擦了擦嘴角滲出的血。

“記住一件事情！”他惱怒地說道，抓住她的肩膀，剋制著自己。“記住，我的小姐，如果你是任何一個男人的妻子，你就是我的！我會再度擁有你的！晚些時候，我會再來聽你的迴音！”

於是他離開了，農場工人又開始了下午打穀的活兒。因為這活兒必須在今天干完，所以一直持續到晚上。苔絲越來越精疲力盡，等到他們終於幹完時，她幾乎快暈倒了。一直在等候著這個時刻的亞歷克·德伯出現在她的身邊。

“你太虛弱了，”他抓著她的手臂說道，“我已經告訴農場主了，他不應該讓女人跟著打穀機幹活。這活兒太累人了，我陪你走回去。”

“哦，是的，好吧！”苔絲喃喃地說道，她太累了，已感覺不到對他的懼怕。“有時候你的心腸挺好的，至少，你想彌補過去的過失，提出要跟我結婚。”

“如果我不能娶你，至少我可以幫助你。我已經跟宗教沒有什麼瓜葛了，但是你一定要信任我！我有足夠的錢幫助你的家人，讓他們都過得舒舒服服的。”

“你最近見過他們嗎？”苔絲急切地問道，”“上帝知道，他們需要幫助……但是，不——不，我不能從你這兒拿任何東西，不管是為他們還是為我自己！請讓我一個人待著吧！”

她一回到房間，就給安吉爾寫了一封感情深切的信。我自己的丈夫：

我必須這樣稱呼你，我必須向你呼救了——我別無他人可求！我是這麼毫無防衛地受到誘惑，安吉爾！我不能告訴你他是誰。你難道不能趁著現在，不等可怕的事情發生，立即趕到我身邊來嗎？我知道，你在很遠的地方，但是我需要幫助！我理解你給我的懲罰，我罪有應得，可是請你，安吉爾，請你善待我！如果你來，我就可以在你懷裡安息了！

我只是為了你才活著。不要以為你離我而去，我會怨恨什麼。親愛的，沒有你，我是多麼孤寂啊！

難道你沒有感覺到過一絲一毫你在牛奶場時對我的愛嗎？我沒變，我還是你以前愛上的那個女人，一點也沒變。當初，我一見到你，過去的事情對我就都消亡了。難道你看不出這一點嗎？

我有多傻呀，我一開始相信您會永遠愛我的！我早就應該知道，我是不可能這麼幸運的。

安吉爾，人們說我依然是那麼漂亮迷人。可是，因為你不在這兒，我不關心我的容貌。

如果你不能到我這兒來。我能上你那兒去嗎？我是這麼地擔心！我怕我也許會落入某個可怕的陷阱，我面臨危險，救救我吧！

你忠實的心碎的妻子

苔絲