# ■ 14

Her story came to an end．She had not raised her voice： she had not cried．But things seemed to change as the story progressed．The fire looked as if it was laughing at her troubles．All the objects around her appeared not to care about her tragic history．And yet it was only a short time since he had been kissing her．Everything looked different now．

Clare stirred the fire．It was unnecessary，but he felt he had to do something．He had not really taken in the whole story yet．He stood up．Now as he began to understand the story in its full horror，his face was like an old man's．He made uncertain movements，because everything in his head was vague and uncertain．He could not make himself think clearly．

‘Tess！Can I believe this？Are you mad perhaps？My wife， my Tess—you aren't mad，are you？’

‘I am not，’she said．

‘And yet，’he said，looking strangely at her，‘why didn't you tell me before？Oh yes，you would have told me，in a way，but I stopped you，I remember！’

He was talking but could not think at the same time． His brain seemed to have stopped working．He turned away from her．Tess followed him and stood there staring at him with dry eyes．Then she went down on her knees beside him．

‘In the name of our love，forgive me！she whispered with a 168 dry mouth．‘I have forgiven you for the same！’

And as he did not answer，she said again，

‘Forgive me as you are forgiven！I forgive you，Angel！’

‘You—yes，you do．’

‘But you do not forgive me？’

‘Oh，Tess，it's not a question of forgiveness！You were one person，now you are another．How can forgiveness put that right？’

He paused，considering this．Then suddenly he started laughing in an unnatural，horrible way．It was like a laugh out of hell．

‘Don't—don't！’she cried，her face dead white．‘It kills me，that laugh！Angel，do you know what you're doing to me？I've been hoping，longing，praying to make you happy！’

‘I know that．’

‘I thought，Angel，that you loved me—me，my very self！’ If you do love me，how can you treat me like this？It frightens me！Having begun to love you，I will love you for ever，in all changes，in all troubles，because you are yourself．I ask no more．Then how can you，my husband，stop loving me？’

‘I repeat，the woman I have been loving is not you．’

‘But who is she？’

‘Another woman in your shape．’

Suddenly she realized how he saw her．For him she was a guilty woman pretending to be an innocent one．There was terror in her white face as she saw this．She could not stand， and he stepped forward，thinking she might fall．

‘Sit down，’he said gently．‘You are ill，and I am not surprised．’

She sat down，her face still full of fear and her eyes wild．

‘I don't belong to you any more then，do I，Angel？’she asked helplessly．And at last the tears came．Clare watched her sobbing，and waited until the first violence of her emotion had passed．

‘Angel，’she said suddenly in a normal voice，‘am I too wicked for us to live together？’

‘I haven't had time to think what we should do．’

‘I won't ask you to let me live with you，Angel，because I have no right to！I won't write to tell my family we are married，as I said I would．’

‘Won't you？’

‘No，I won't do anything unless you order me to．And if you go away，I won't follow you．And if you never speak to me again，I won't ask why，unless you tell me I can．’

‘And if I order you to do anything？’

‘I'll obey you，even if I have to lie down and die．’

‘How good of you．But it seems you have changed．In the past you were keen to look after yourself．Now you are keen to sacrifice yourself．’

Clare's bitter words，however，were not fully understood by Tess．She only knew that he was angry with her．She stood silent，not knowing that he was struggling with his love for her She did not observe a large tear rolling slowly down his cheek He was realizing what a change Tess's confession had made to his whole life．He had to decide on some action．

‘Tess，’he said，as gently as he could，‘I can't stay here just now．I'm going out．’

He quietly left the room．Two glasses of wine，ready for their supper，remained untouched on the table．Only two or three hours earlier they had drunk tea from the same cup．

As he closed the door behind him，Tess jumped up．He had gone：she could not stay．She put out the candles and followed him The rain was over and the night was now clear．

Clare walked slowly and without purpose．His shape was black and frightening She walked just behind him．There was water on the road，where the stars could be seen reflected． Away from the house the road went through the fields．She followed Clare as a dog follows its owner．

Eventually Tess could not help speaking to him．

‘What have I done？Nothing interferes with my love for you．You don't think I planned it，Angel，do you？I would not deceive you like that！’ ‘H'm， well．No，maybe you would not，but you are not the same．No，not the same But don't make me blame you．’

She went on begging for forgiveness．Perhaps she said things that would have been better left to silence．

‘Angel！Angel！I was a child when it happened．I knew nothing of men．’

‘I admit it was not so much your fault as his．’

‘Then won't you forgive me？’

‘I do forgive you，but forgiveness isn't everything．’

‘And do you love me？’

He did not answer this question．

‘Oh Angel－my mother says she knows several cases which were worse than mine，and the husband has not minded much …well，he has accepted it at least．And in those cases the woman hasn't loved him as I love you！’

‘Don't，Tess，don't argue．Those are just country people's ways．There is a correct way of doing things．I think that parson who discovered you were a d’Urberville should have kept quiet．Perhaps you were weak and could not refuse this man because your ancient noble blood has run thin，because your family is no good any more．I thought you were a child of nature，but you have the worst of your ancient family in you！’

Tess accepted his bitterness，not understanding the details． He did not love her as he had done，and nothing else mattered．

They went on again in silence．They walked slowly for hours，with sad anxious faces，not talking，one behind the other，like a funeral procession． Tess said to her husband：

‘I don't want to cause you sadness all your life．The river is down there．I can put an end to myself in it．I'm not afraid．’

‘Don't talk like that．Do what I ask，go back to the house and go to bed．’

‘I will，’she said obediently．

When she returned to the house，she found everything as they had left it and the fire still burning She went to the bedroom．There was a mistletoe branch hanging above the bed． Now she understood why Angel had brought a strange parcel with him．It was to surprise her．He had delightedly hung it there．Now it looked foolish and out of place．

As she had nothing more to fear，and nothing more to hope for，she lay down．In a few moments lonely Tess was asleep， in the bedroom once used by the young wives of her ancestor．

Later on that night Clare also came back to the house．He prepared a bed downstairs，but crept shoeless upstairs to see if Tess was asleep．He was relieved to see her sleeping deeply． And yet he felt he alone had the whole worry of what action to take，and the responsibility for her life as well as his．He turned away from her door，and then turned back again， pulled by his love for her．But his eye was caught by a painting on the wall of one of Tess's ancestors，a proud fierce woman， who looked as if she hated and wanted to deceive all men．He thought she and Tess looked alike．That was enough to stop him，and he went downstairs to his lonely bed．

He looked calm and cold，full of self-control．His face showed he had fought against passion and won，but did not like being the winner．He still found it difficult to accept that Tess，the pure village maiden，was not what she seemed． How unexpected life could be！He put out the candle．The night came in，unconcerned and uninterested，the night which had swallowed up his happiness．

■ The Woman Pays

■ 吃虧的是女人

■ 14

她的故事敘述完了。她沒有提高聲調：她沒有哭。但是隨著故事的發展，事情像是發生了變化，爐火像是正在嘲笑她的遭遇。她周圍的一切對她的悲慘遭遇似乎都漠不關心。然而，就在不久以前，他還親吻著她。現在，一切都顯得變了樣。

克萊爾撥弄著爐火。雖然沒必要，但他覺得他必須做點什麼。他還沒有完全真正領會這整個故事。他站起來。現在，當他開始體會到這故事全部可怕的內涵時，他的臉變得像一漲老人的臉。他茫然地走來走去，因為他腦子裡的一切都是模糊而不確定的。他無法讓自己冷靜、清晰地思考。

“苔絲！我能相信這些嗎？也許你是瘋了？我的妻子，我的苔絲——你沒有瘋，是嗎？”

“我沒有瘋，”她說。

“可是，”他神情怪異地看著她，說，“為什麼以前你不告訴我？哦，是的，你本來會告訴我的，可以這麼說，但是我沒讓你說，我記起來了！”

他在說話，但與此同時，他仍無法思考。他的頭腦好像不聽使喚了。他轉過身離開她。苔絲跟上去，站在一邊用那雙無淚的眼睛望著他，然後在他身邊跪了下來。

“看在我們相愛的份上，寬恕我吧！”她口乾舌燥地喃喃說著，“同樣的事情，我可是已經寬恕你了呀！”

他沒有回答，因此她又說道：

“像你得到寬恕那樣寬恕我吧！我寬恕了你，安吉爾！”

“你——是的，你寬恕了我。”

“可是你不寬恕我嗎？”

“啊，苔絲，這不是寬恕不寬恕的問題。你從前是一個人，現在你是另外一個人了。這怎麼是寬恕能改變得了的呢？”

他住了口，想了一想。接著，他突然狂笑起來，笑得那麼怪異，那麼可怕，猶如從地獄裡發出的笑聲。

“別——別這樣！”她叫道，臉色煞白。“你這麼笑，會嚇死我的！安吉爾，你知道你正在對我做什麼嗎？我一直期待著、盼望著、祈禱著使你幸福！”

“這我知道。”

“安吉爾，我本來以為，你是愛我的——愛我，就是愛我這個人哪！如果你真地愛我，你怎能這樣對我呢？我害怕極了！既然愛上了你，我就會永遠愛著你。不論遇到什麼變故，不論遭受什麼困難，我都會愛你，永遠地愛你，因為你就是你呀！我別無他求了。那麼，為什麼你，我自己的丈夫，會不再愛我了呢？”

“我再說一遍，我一直愛著的女人並不是你。”

“那是誰呢？”

“和你長得一樣的另外一個女人。”

她突然意識到他是怎樣看待她的。在他看來，她是一個假裝清白的罪人。當她明白了這一點時，她慘白的臉上露出了驚恐的神色。她支撐不住了，他走上前去，以為她要跌倒了。

“坐下吧，”他輕聲說道，“你病了，這並不讓我感到意外。”

她坐了下來，依舊是滿臉的恐懼，眼睛裡也滿是驚恐。

“安吉爾，我不再是你的人了，是嗎？”她無可奈何地問道。終於，她的眼淚流了下來。克萊爾看著她啜泣，一直等到她第一次的感情狂瀾平息下去。

“安吉爾，”她突然開口了，聲音已恢復正常。“我是不是太壞了，使得我們不能生活在一起？”

“我還沒有時間考慮我們該怎麼辦。”

“我不會要求你讓我和你一起生活的，安吉爾，因為我沒有這樣做的權利！我也不會寫信給我家裡人說我們結婚了，這信我原先說過要寫的。”

“你不寫了嗎？”

“是的，我什麼也不做，除非你要我去做。如果你離開我，我不會跟著你。如果你不再對我講話，我也不會問為什麼，除非你說我可以問。”

“那麼要是我真的要你做什麼呢？”

“我會服從的，即使是你要我躺下死去也行。”

“你真好。但是，你像是已經改變了。過去，你熱切地想照料自己；現在，你熱切地要犧牲自己。”

然而，苔絲並沒有完全領會克萊爾這些酸楚的話語。她只知道他對她生氣了。她靜靜地站著，不知道他正在同他對她的愛作鬥爭。她沒看到一人滴淚珠正順著他的面頰慢慢滾落卜來。他正在逐漸認識到苔絲的坦白給他的整個生活帶來的變化。他必須決定採取某種行動。

“苔絲，”他儘可能溫和地說，“這一會兒，我在這兒待不下去了，我要出去走走。”

他悄悄地走出房間，為晚餐準備的兩杯酒仍然放在桌子上，不曾動過。就在兩三個小時前，他們還用同一個茶杯共飲過一杯茶。

當他把門關在了身後時，苔絲跳了起來。他已經走了，她也待不住了。她熄掉蠟燭，跟了出去。雨已停息，夜色現在也晴朗了。

克萊爾漫無目的地緩緩走著，他的身影漆黑嚇人。她只是跟在他後面走。路面上積了水，可以看到星星在裡面反射的光芒。從房子出來的這條路通向田野。她就像條跟著主人的家犬一般跟隨著克萊爾。

終於，苔絲忍不住跟他說話了。

“我做了什麼啊？沒有任何事情妨礙我對你的愛。你不會以為我以前是有意那樣做的吧，安吉爾，是不是？我不會那樣欺騙你的！”

“嗯，好啦。是的，也許你不會，但你不一樣了。足的，不一對了。但是，不要逼我責怪你。”

她繼續乞求他的寬恕。也許當時她保持沉默比說這些話還好些。

“安吉爾！安吉爾！出那件事的時候，我還是個孩子！我對男人的事兒一點都不懂呀！”

“主要是他的罪過，這我承認。”

“那麼，難道你還不寬恕我嗎？”

“我是寬恕你了，但是寬恕並不等於一切。”

“那你還愛我嗎？”

他沒有回答這個問題。

“哦，安吉爾——我母親說她知道好幾件這樣的事情，她們的情況比我的更糟，但做丈夫的並不是非常介意……是的，他們至少可以接受它。而那些事例中，女人愛她的丈夫並沒有像我愛你這麼深！”

“別，苔絲，別爭辯了。那些只不過是鄉下人的方法。做事情總有一個合乎體統的方法。我認為那個發現了你姓德伯的人應該什麼都別說。你柔弱，你無力拒絕那個男人，也許是因為你的古老高貴的血統已經變得稀少，因為你的家族已不再體面堂皇。我原以為你是大自然的孩子，但是你卻帶有那個古老家族裡最壞的東西！”

苔絲接受了他這一番譴責之辭，沒有去理解它的細節。他已不像過去那樣愛她了，別的一切都無關緊要。

他們繼續無言地走著。帶著悲哀憂慮的神情，一言不發地，他們就這樣一前一後地慢慢走了幾個小時，就像一支送葬的隊伍。

苔絲對她的丈夫說：

“我不願讓你的一生都這麼痛苦。那兒就有條河在流著，我可以在那裡結束我的生命。我不害怕。”

“不要再說這樣的話了。我怎麼說你就怎麼做，現在回到房子裡去，上床睡覺。”

“我會的。”她順從地說道。

返回房子時，她發現一切都同他們離開時一樣，爐火還在燃燒著。她徑直到了臥室。床上方掛著一束桑寄生藤枝。現在她明白了為什麼安吉爾隨身帶了一個奇怪的包裹。他是要給她一個驚喜。他高高興興地把它掛在了那兒，可是現在它看起來又傻氣又不合時宜。

因為她已經沒有什麼可以懼怕，也沒有什麼可以期待的了，她躺了下來。過了一會兒，寂寞的苔絲睡著了，在那間曾被她的祖先們的年輕妻子使用過的臥室裡睡著了。

那晚夜深時，克萊爾也回到了屋裡。他在樓下準備了一張床，但他光著腳，躡手躡腳地走到樓上看看苔絲是否睡著了。看到她已熟睡，他放寬了心。但是他感到，他一個人要全部承擔該採取什麼行動的焦慮，並且對她和他自己的生活負責了。他轉身離開她的房門，又被他對她的愛給拉了回來。但是，他冷不防看到了牆上一幅苔絲祖先的畫像，一個自負凶惡的女人，看起來就像是她憎恨並要欺騙所有的男人。他感到她和苔絲有相像之處。這就足以計他止步了，他到樓下自己那張孤獨的床上去了。

他看起來沉靜又冷峻，充滿了自制力。他的神情顯示出他經歷了一場與情慾的戰鬥，而且他贏了，但他卻不喜歡成為這樣一個勝者。他依然覺得他難以接受這個事實：苔絲，一個純潔的鄉村少女，竟不是她看起來的這樣。生活有時是多麼出乎意料啊！他熄滅了蠟燭。夜在漫不經心、漠然地一點點降臨，就是這夜吞沒了他的幸福和快樂。