# ■ 18 Mr Rochester's explanation

Sometime in the afternoon I recovered a little，but I felt faint as I stood up，and realized I had not eaten anything all day．So I opened my bedroom door and almost fell over Mr Rochester，who was sitting in a chair just outside．

I've been waiting for you all this time，Jane，'he said．'And I haven't heard you scream or shout or cry．Aren't you angry with me？I never meant to hurt you．Will you ever forgive me？'

He sounded so sincere that I forgave him at once in my heart．

Scold me，Jane！Tell me how wicked I am！'he said．

Sir，I can't．I feel tired and weak．I want some water．'

He took me in his arms and carried me downstairs to the library，where he put me in front of the fire，and gave me a glass of wine．I began to feel better．He bent to kiss me，but I turned my face determinedly away．

What！'he cried．'You refuse to kiss me！Because I'm Bertha Mason's husband？Is that it？'

Yes，sir．'

I know you very well，Jane．I know how firm you are when you've decided something．You're planning to destroy my hope of happiness．You intend to be a stranger to me from now on．And if I'm friendly towards you in future，you'll remind yourself，“That man nearly made me his mistress—I must be ice-cold to him，”and ice-cold is what you'll be．'

It's true，sir，'I said，trying to stop my voice from trembling，'that everything around me has changed，so I must change too．Adele must have a new governess．'

Oh，Adele will go to boarding school．I've already decided that．And you and I will both leave this house，this narrow stone hell，this house of living death．We can never be happy here，under the same roof as that woman．Oh，I hate her！'

You shouldn't hate her，sir，'I said．'It's not her fault she's mad，poor thing．'

Jane，my darling，it's not because she's mad that I hate her．If you were mad，I wouldn't hate you．I'd look after you lovingly But why talk of madness？We are all ready to travel，everything is packed．Tomorrow we'll leave．I have a place to go to，where nobody will find us or talk about us—'

And take Adele with you，sir，she'll be a companion for you，'I interrupted．I knew I had to tell him soon．

Adele？What do you mean，Jane？She's going to school．I don't want her，I want you with me．Do you understand？'

I did，but I slowly shook my head．He was becoming angry，and was staring fiercely at me．He looked as if he was about to lose control．I was not at all afraid，because I knew I still had the power to calm him．So I took his hand and stroked it，saying，

Sit down，sir，I'll talk or listen to you as long as you like．'I had been struggling with tears for some time and now I let them flow freely．It was a great relief．

Don't cry，Jane，please be calm，'he begged．

How can I be calm when you're so angry？'

I'm not angry，but I love you so much，and your pale little face looked so stern and decided．'He tried to put his arm round me，but I would not let him．

Jane！'he said sadly，'you don't love me，then？'

I do love you，'I answered，'more than ever， but this is the last time I can say it．There is only one thing for me to do，but you'll be furious if I mention it.'

Oh， mention it！If I'm angry， you can always burst into tears，'he said， with a half-smile．

Mr Rochester，I must leave you．I must start a new life among strangers．'

Of course．I told you we would leave．I'll ignore that nonsense about you leaving me．You'll be Mrs Rochester and I'll be your husband until I die．We'll live happily and innocently together in a little white house I have in the south of France．Jane，don't shake your head，or I'll get angry．'

Sir，your wife is alive，'I dared to say，although he was looking aggressively at me，'and if I lived with you like that，I'd be your mistress．'

I'm a fool！'he said suddenly．'I haven't told you the whole story！Oh，I'm sure you'll agree when you know everything！Listen，Jane，you know that my father loved money very much？'

I heard someone say that，yes，sir．'

Well，he hated the idea of dividing the family property，so he left it all to my elder brother．But that meant I would be poor unless I married a rich wife，so he decided I should marry Bertna Mason，the daughter of his wealtny friend Jonas Mason．I was young and easily impressed，so when I saw her in the West Indies，beautiful and elegantly dressed，I thought I loved her．What a fool I was then！After the wedding I learned that my bride's mother and younger brother were both mad．Dick Mason will probably be in the same state one day．My father knew all this，but did not tell me．I soon found that Bertha and I had nothing in common．Not only was she coarse and stupid，her madness also made her violent．I lived with her for four years．By now my father and brother were dead，so I was rich，but I considered myself poor，because I was tied to a mad wife until death．'

I pity you，sir，I do pity you．'

Pity，Jane，is an insult from some people，but from you I accept it as the mother of love．Well，I had moments of despair when I intended to shoot myself，but in the end I decided to bring the mad woman back to Thornfield Hall，where nobody knew that we were married． She has lived here ever since． Even Mrs Fairfax and the servants don't know the whole truth about her． But although I pay Grace Poole well，and trust her absolutely，she sometimes drinks too much and allows the creature to escape．Twice she has got out of her room at night，as you know．The first time she nearly burnt me in my bed，and the second time she visited you， and must have been reminded of her own wedding day by seeing your wedding dress．'

And what did you do，sir，when you had brought her here？'

I travelled all over Europe，Jane．I was looking for a good and intelligent woman to love—'

But you couldn't marry，sir，' I interrupted．

I believed I could．I thought I might find some reasonable woman who would understand my case and accept me．'

Well， sir， did you？'

Not in Europe，Jane，where I spent ten long years looking for an ideal．I tried taking mistresses，like Celine，the French dancer．But finally，bitter and disappointed with my wasted life，I returned to Thornfield on a frosty winter afternoon．And when my horse slipped and fell on the ice，a little figure appeared and insisted on helping me．In the weeks that followed，I began to depend on that bird－like little figure for my happiness and new interest in life．'

Don't talk any more of the past，sir，' I said，wiping a secret tear from my eyes．

No，Jane，you're right，the future is much brighter．You understand now，don't you？I've wasted half my life in misery and loneliness，but now I've found you．You are at the centre of my heart．It was stupid of me to try to marry you like that without explaining．I should have confessed everything，as I do now，and appealed to your great generosity of spirit．I promise to love you and stay with you for ever．Jane，promise me the same．'

A pause．'Why are you silent，Jane？'

This was a terrible moment for me．In the struggle and confusion that was going on in my heart I knew that he loved me and I loved him，but I also knew that I must leave him！

Jane，just promise me，“I will be yours．”'

Mr Rochester，I will not be yours．'Another pause．

Jane，'he said，with a gentleness that cut into my soul，'Jane，do you intend us to live apart for ever？'

I do．' 'Jane，'（bending towards me and kissing me）'is that still your intention？'

It is，'I replied，pulling away from him．

Oh Jane，this is a bitter shock．It would not be wicked to love me．'

It would be wicked to do what you want．'

Jane，just imagine my horrible life when you have gone．I shall be alone with that mad woman upstairs．Where shall I find friendship，and hope？'

You can only trust in God and yourself．Live without doing wrong，and die hoping to go to heaven．'

That's impossible without you！And…and you have no family to offend by living with me！'He was beginning to sound desperate．I knew that what he said was true．However，in my heart I also knew I was right to leave．

He seemed to read my thoughts．Rushing furiously across the room，he seized me violently and stared fiercely into my eyes．He could have broken me in two with one hand，but he could not break my spirit．Small and weak as I was，I stared firmly back at him．

Your eyes，Jane，'he said，'are the eyes of a bird， a free，wild being：Even if I break your cage，I can't reach you，beautiful creature！You'll fly away from me．But you could choose to fly to me！Come，Jane，come！'He let me go，and only looked at me．How hard it was to resist that look！

I am going，'I said．

Does my deep love mean nothing to you？Oh Jane，my hope…my love…my life！'And be threw himself despairingly on the sofa．I had reached the door，but I could not leave．I walked back，bent over him，and kissed his cheek．

Goodbye，my dear master！'I said．'May God protect you！'

Without your love，Jane，my heart is broken，'he said．'But perhaps you will，so generously，give me your love after all—'He jumped up with hope in his eyes，holding out his arms to me．But I turned and ran out of the room．

That night I only slept a little， dreaming of the red room at Gateshead．The moonlight shone into my bedroom，as it did then，and I saw a vision on the ceiling，a white figure looking down on me．It seemed to whisper to my spirit，'Daughter，leave now before you are tempted to stay．'

Mother，I will，'I answered．And when I woke up，although it was still dark outside，I wrapped up some spare clothes in a parcel，and put a little money in a purse．As I crept downstairs，I could hear Mr Rochester in his room，walking up and down and sighing．I could find heaven in this room if I wanted．I just had to enter and say，'I will love you and live with you through life until death！'My hand moved towards the handle．But I stopped myself，and went miserably downstairs and out of the house．

Setting out on the road，I could not help thinking of Mr Rochester's despair when he found himself abandoned．I hated myself for wounding him，and for perhaps driving him to a life of wickedness，or even death．I wanted desperately to be with him，to comfort him，but somehow I made myself keep walking，and when a coach passed，I arranged to travel on it as far as my money would pay for．Inside the coach I cried the bitterest tears of my life．

■ 18 羅切斯特先生的解釋

下午不知什麼時候，我感覺好些了，但站起來時仍感到頭暈，我這才意識到我已一整天沒吃一點兒東西了。於是我打開臥室的房門，幾乎撲倒在就坐在門外椅子上的羅切斯特先生身上。

“簡，我一直在等著你。”他說，“我沒聽到你叫喊或是哭泣。你不生我的氣嗎？我本無意傷害你。你能原諒我嗎？”

他說得那麼真誠，我立刻就在心裡原諒了他。

“簡，罵我吧！告訴我我有多麼壞！”他說。

“先生，我不能。我感到很累、很虛。我想喝點水。”

他雙手將我抱起，將我抱到樓下的書房，把我放在爐火前，遞上了一杯酒，我開始感到好些了。他俯身要吻我，但我斷然把臉扭開了。

“怎麼！”他喊道，“你拒絕吻我！因為我是伯莎·梅森的丈夫？是不是？”

“是的，先生。”

“簡，我非常瞭解你。我知道如果你決心已下，你是不會動搖的。你打算毀掉我幸福的希望，你想從今往後和我成為陌路人。如果今後我對你友好，你會提醒自己：'這個人差點兒讓我成了他的情婦——我必須對他冷若冰霜。'你的確會變得冷若冰霜的。”

“是這樣，先生，”我說，努力控制住自己的聲音不讓它發抖。“我周圍的一切的確都發生了變化，所以我也必須改變。阿黛拉必須有位新老師。”

“啊，阿黛拉去上寄宿學校，我已經決定了。你和我將離開這幢房子，這狹小的石頭地獄，這活死人的宅邸。在這裡和那個女人在同一屋簷下，我們永遠不會幸福。噢，我恨她！”

“先生，你不該恨她。”我說，“她瘋了，可憐兮兮的，這並不是她的錯。”

“簡，親愛的，我不是因為她瘋而恨她。如果你瘋了，我不會恨你，我會滿懷愛心地照顧你。可是，為什麼要說什麼瘋不瘋的？我們已做好出發的準備，所有行李都整理好了，我們明天離開。我有一個地方可去，那兒沒人找得到我們，也沒人議論我們……”

“先生，帶上阿黛拉吧，她會陪伴你。”我打斷他。我知道我必須馬上告訴他了。

“阿黛拉？簡，你是什麼意思？她要上學。我不需要她，我想和你在一起。你明白嗎？”

我明白，但我慢慢搖了搖頭。他變得生氣了，兩眼狠狠地盯著我，他看上去好像快控制不住自己了。我一點兒不害怕，因為我知道我還有力量讓他平靜下來。於是我握住他的手，輕輕撫摸著，說：

“先生，坐下，只要你願意，我可以一直跟你說話，聽你講話。”我一直努力抑制著眼淚，現在我隨它流淌，心裡非常輕鬆了。

“簡，別哭，請平靜些。”他哀求著。

“你這麼生氣，我又如何能平靜呢？”

“我沒有生氣，可是我太愛你了。你蒼白的小臉看上去那麼嚴肅，堅決。”他想摟著我，我卻不允許。

“簡！”他傷心地說，“那麼你不愛我嗎？”

“我是愛你的。”我說，“比以往更愛你，不過這是我最後一次這樣說了。我能做的只有一件事，但我說出來你會發怒的。”

“好了，說吧！如果我生氣，你就哭好了。”他帶著點笑意說。

“羅切斯特先生，我必須離開你。我必須在陌生人中間開始新的生活。”

“當然，我跟你說過我們要離開的。我不理會什麼你要離開我這類的胡說八道。你將是羅切斯特太太，我將是你的丈夫，直到死。我們將無憂無慮地、幸福地一起生活在我在法國南部購置的小白屋裡。簡，別搖頭，否則我會生氣的。”

“先生，你的妻子還活著。”儘管他咄咄逼人地看著我，我還是壯著膽子說了出來。“如果我這樣跟你生活在一起，我就是你的情婦。”

“我是個傻瓜！”他突然說，“我還沒把故事的全部告訴給你！噢，我敢肯定你瞭解一切後會同意的。簡，聽著。你知道我父親非常愛財？”

“是的，先生，我聽別人說過。”

“好了，他很不願意把家產分割開，於是就全部傳給了我的哥哥。但這就意味著如果不娶個闊老婆，我就很窮，於是他決定我應該和伯莎·梅森結婚，她是他的富朋友喬那森·梅森的女兒。我當時年輕，很容易被迷住，所以當我在西印度群島見到漂亮而又著裝優雅的伯莎時，我以為我愛她。當時我真是個傻瓜！婚禮之後，我才得知新娘的媽媽和弟弟都瘋了。迪克·梅森可能有一天也會這樣。我父親知道這一切，但沒有告訴我。我很快就發現伯莎和我毫無共同之處。她不僅粗魯、愚蠢，瘋病還讓她變得凶暴。我和她生活了四年。到那時我父親和哥哥都去世了，所以我有錢了，但我仍認為自己是個窮漢，因為我至死都被拴在這個瘋老婆身上了。”

“我可憐你，先生。我真的可憐你。”

“簡，別人的可憐是一種侮辱，但你的可憐，我把它當做愛之源接受。我曾經絕望過，想開槍自殺，但最終還是決定把瘋女人帶回特恩費得，這兒誰也不知道我們結婚了。此後她一直住在這裡，即使費爾法斯太太和僕人也不完全瞭解她的真相。但是儘管我給格麗絲·普爾的薪水豐厚，並絕對信任她，她有時喝得太多，讓那東西跑了出來。她曾兩次在夜間跑出她的房間，這你知道的。第一次她幾乎把我燒死在床上，第二次她去找了你，看到你的婚紗她一定想起了自己的婚禮。”

“先生，你把她帶到這兒來後又做了什麼？”

“簡，我遊遍了歐洲。我在尋找一位善良、聰明的女人，去愛她——”

“但你卻不能結婚，先生。”我打斷他。

“我當時想我能。我以為我能找到一位理智的女人，理解我的處境，並接受我。”

“那麼，先生，你找到了嗎？”

“簡，在歐洲沒找到，我在那兒花了十年時間尋找一個偶像。我曾找過情婦，比如賽林娜，那個法國舞女。但是最終在我浪費了生命，感到痛苦而失望後，我在冬日一個霧濛濛的下午回到特恩費得。我的馬滑倒在冰上時，一個小傢伙出現了，還堅持要幫助我。以後的幾個星期裡，我開始依賴這個像鳥兒一樣的小人來尋找我的幸福和對生活的新興趣。”

“先生，別再說過去這些了。”我說，擦去了不知不覺流出的眼淚。

“不，簡，你是對的，未來會更加光明。現在你明白了，對不對？我在痛苦和孤獨中虛度了前半生，但現在我找到了你，你在我心中。我不解釋就要和你結婚，真是太傻了。我應該像現在這樣坦白一切，然後請求你的寬容。我保證永遠愛你，和你在一起。簡，你也對我保證。”

一陣沉默。“簡，你為什麼不說話？”

這對我是個可怕的時刻。我內心矛盾著，理不出頭緒，我知道他愛我，我也愛他，但我也知道我必須離開他！

“簡，就答應我，說：'我是你的。'”

“羅切斯特先生，我不是你的。”又一陣沉默。

“簡，”他溫柔的聲音刺進我的心靈深處，“簡，你想讓我們倆永遠分離嗎？”

“是的。”

“簡，”（他彎下腰來吻著我）“你還這麼想嗎？”

“是的。”我回答說，並從他那兒掙脫出來。

“噢，簡，這真是一個痛苦的打擊。愛我不是罪過啊。”

“做你想做的事就是罪過。”

“簡，想象一下你走後我的生活該多麼可怕。我將獨自伴著樓上的那個瘋女人。我到哪裡去尋找友誼、尋找希望？”

“你只能相信上帝和自己。活著時不要做錯事，死去時希望進天堂。”

“沒有你這是不可能的！再說……你與我生活在一起也不會觸怒什麼家人。”他開始有些絕望。我知道他說的不錯，但我內心也深知我離去是對的。

他像看出了我的心思。他狂怒地衝過屋子，猛地抓住我，狠狠地盯著我的眼睛。他用一隻手就能把我弄成兩半，但他卻無法動搖我的意志。儘管我又弱又小，我卻堅定地和他對視著。

“簡，你的眼睛，”他說，“是鳥的眼睛，一個自由的、野性的生命的眼睛。即使我打碎了你的籠子，我也夠不到你這個美麗的生靈！你會飛走，離我而去。可你也可以選中向我飛來！來，簡，來啊！”他放開我，只是看著我。要抵擋這目光是多麼難啊！

“我走了。”我說。

“難道我深深的愛對你毫無意義？噢，簡，我的希望……我的愛人……我的生命！”他絕望地倒在沙發裡。我已到了門口，卻不能離開。我又走回來，俯下身去，親吻了他的臉頰。

“再見，我親愛的主人！”我說，“願上帝保護你！”

“簡，沒有你的愛，我的心都碎了。”他說，“可是畢竟你也許還是可以慷慨地把你的愛給我……”他眼中充滿希望地跳起來，向我張開雙臂。然而，我轉身跑出了房間。

那一夜我睡得很少。我夢到了蓋茨赫德的紅房子。月光照進我的臥室——當時也確實有月光，我看到天花板上有一個白色影子正向下看著我。它好像對我的靈魂悄聲說：“女兒，現在就離開，免得你又受誘惑留下來。”

“媽媽，我會的。”我答道。我醒來時，雖然外面天還黑著，還是將幾件換洗衣服放進包裹，然後在錢包裡裝了點兒錢。我躡手躡腳下樓時，聽到羅切斯特先生在他房間裡，一邊來回踱步，一邊嘆息不已。如果我願意，我就可以在那間屋裡找到天堂。我只消進去說：“我將愛你，和你一起生活到生命的終結。”我的手向門把移去，但我阻止了自己，痛苦地走下樓梯，走出了房子。

上路後，我忍不住要想羅切斯特先生髮現自己被拋棄後該是多麼絕望。我恨自己傷害了他，或許又讓他去過邪惡的生活甚至死去。我渴望和他在一起，安慰他，但不知怎麼我還是逼著自己向前走。馬車路過時，我打算讓自己走到旅費所能負擔的最遠的地方。馬車內，我流下了一生中最傷心的淚。

■ Part Four - A Woman At Moor House

■ 第四部 在摩爾屋