# ■ 15

When Clare woke up the next morning，the sky was grey and the sun was not shining．The fireplace in the room was full of cold ashes．The two full glasses of wine still stood untouched on the table．

When the cleaning woman came，he sent her away，not wanting a third person in the house He found wood to make a fire，and prepared breakfast．People passing the farmhouse saw the smoke rising from the chimney，and envied the newly- married couple in their happiness．

‘Breakfast is ready！’he called upstairs in a normal voice．

Tess came down immediately．She was already dressed，but her hands and face were cold．She had no fire in her bedroom， where she had been sitting waiting for his call，and staring at the dying mistletoe．Clare's polite words gave her a moment of hope，which died，however，when she saw his face．

They were both，in fact，the ashes of their former fires． After last night's passionate sorrow，they both felt heavy and lacking in energy．

Tess went up to Angel，touching him lightly with her fingers．Was this really the man who once loved her？ Her eyes were bright，her cheeks still round，but her lips were pale． She looked absolutely pure．Angel looked at her in wonder． ‘Tess！Say it isn't true！It can't be true！’ ‘It is true．’

‘Every word？’

‘Every word．’

He world almost have preferred her to lie，so that he could believe her blindly，but she repeated，‘It is true．’

‘Is he living？’asked Angel．

‘The baby died．’

‘But the man？’

‘He is alive．’

‘Is he in England？’

‘Yes．’

Despair passed over Clare's face．He moved vaguely around the room．

‘Look，’he said，‘I thought—any man would have thought－that if I didn't look for knowledge，good family， and wealth in a wife，if I sacrificed all that，I would be sure of finding a country girl who was at least pure… but… but I should not accuse you．’

Tess understood his feelings perfectly．She saw that he had lost in every way．

‘Angel—I would not have married you if I had not known that，after all，there is a way out for you… only I hoped you would never… ’She was close to tears．

‘A way out？’

‘You can divorce me．’

‘Good heavens！How can you be so stupid？How can I divorce you？’

‘Can't you，now I have told you everything？’

‘Oh Tess，you are so childish！You don't understand the law．No，I can't．’

There was shame and misery in Tess's face．

‘I thought you could，’she whispered．‘Don't think I planned this！I really believed you could take that way out．Oh，then I ought to have done it last night．But I didn't have the courage．That's just like me！’

‘The courage to do what？’he asked．

‘To put an end to myself．’

‘Where？’

‘In the bedroom，under your mistletoe．With the rope from my box．But I couldn't in the end！I was afraid that people would talk and you would suffer from that．’

Clare was shaken by this unexpected confession．

‘Now，listen．You must never think of such a wicked thing again．Promise me as your husband never to do anything like that．’

‘I promise．I see it was wicked．But，Angel，it was to set you free，and to avoid a divorce，which everyone would talk about．But dying by my own hand is too good for me．You，my husband，should kill me．I think I would love you more，if that were possible，if you could bring yourself to do it．I am so much in your way！’

‘Quiet！Don't talk about it．’

‘Well，just as you wish．I will do whatever you like．’They sat down to breakfast，tired and sad．They did not look at each other and they did not eat much．Angel left soon afterwards to start his studies at the flour－mill nearby．Tess cleared the ashes from the fireplace，cleaned the house and prepared the lunch，waiting for his return．At lunch they talked politely of work at the flour－mill and methods of milling．In the afternoon he went back to the mill，and in the evening he studied his books and papers．Tess felt she was in his way and went to the kitchen．He came to find her there．

‘Don't work in the kitchen like this，’he said．‘You're not my servant，you're my wife．’

She looked happier．‘You mean，I can think of myself as that？’She asked，trembling．

‘What do you mean，Tess？You are my wife，of course．’

‘I don't know，she said，with tears in her eyes．‘I told you long ago I wasn't good enough for you．And I'm not good enough！I was right！But you persuaded me！’

She turned her back on him，sobbing as if her heart would break．It would have won round any man but Angel Clare．Deep in him lay a hard logic，which had resisted the Church，and now resisted Tess．She accepted his treatment of her as being what she deserved．She would never have thought of criticizing his hardness．To her he was still perfection．

Another day passed by in the same way．Only once did Tess try to get closer to her husband．As he was leaving for the flour－mill，she put up her mouth to be kissed．He ignored the invitation，and said goodbye coldly．She felt as if he had hit her．How often had he wanted to kiss her in those happy days at Talbothays！

But on his way to the mill Angel regretted his coldness．He wished he had been kinder to her and kissed her once at least．

So they lived through another day-together in the same house，but more separately than ever before．Clare was desperately wondering what to do．Tess no longer even hoped for forgiveness．That evening she said bravely：

‘I suppose you aren't going to live with me long，are you，Angel？’She found it difficult to control the muscles of her face．

‘No．How can we live together as man and wife while that man lives？He is your natural husband，I'm not．If he were dead，that might be different．Anyway，have you thought of the future？have you thought we might have children？They would find out about this．Everybody would talk about it．Can you imagine them growing up under a cloud like that？They would hate you for it．’

Tess's head was bent．Her eyes felt so heavy they were almost closed．‘No，I can't ask you to stay with me，’she whispered．‘I hadn't thought of it like that．’

She had hoped，as women do，that living together for a time would break down his coldness．Being near him every day was her only hope of winning him back．But she had never imagined she might have children who would reject her．She now remembered how she had criticized her mother for bringing babies into the world without being able to look after them．She realized that she might have made the same mistake as Joan Durbeyfield．She completely accepted Angel's argument．

She could have argued that if they went as planned to farm in another country，nobody would know about her past．But perhaps she was right not to argue．A woman knows not only her own sorrow but also her husband's．He might keep the bitterness alive in his heart，even if nobody knew or talked about it at all．She had lost．

On the third day she said，‘I accept what you say．We must separate．’

‘But what can you do？’

‘I can go home．’

Clare had not thought of that．‘Can you really？’

‘Yes．If I am with you all the time，I may persuade you to stay，against your better judgement．Then you and I would both be sorry．I must go．’

‘Right，’said Angel．His face was pale but his voice was determined．

Tess was slightly shocked．He had agreed so quickly to her generous offer！

‘I didn't like to suggest it，’he said，‘but as you have，I think it's a good idea to part—at least for a while．God knows，we may come togetner again one day！’

So they both prepared to leave the following day．That night Tess was woken by a noise in the house．At first she thought Angel was coming to her bedroom，and her heart beat wildly with joy．But then she saw his eyes staring emptily ahead of him，and knew he was walking in his sleep．He came to the middle of her room and said very sadly，‘Dead！Dead！Dead！Poor darling Tess！So sweet，so good，so pure！My wife，dead！’

These words，which he would never say when awake，were very sweet to Tess．She would not have moved to save her life．She lay in absolute stillness，trying not to breathe，wondering what he was going to do with her．Her trust in him was complete．

He picked her up and carried her to the stairs．Was he going to throw her down？She knew he was leaving her the next day，perhaps for ever．She almost hoped they would fall and die together．

He continued downstairs，taking her out of the house towards the river．She had given herself totally up to him， and did not care what happened to her as long as she was with him．They arrived at a place where the river was fast and deep，and Angel started to cross it on the narrow footbridge，still holding Tess．Perhaps he wanted to drown her．Even that would be better than separation．

As they crossed，the water rushed fiercely below them．If Tess had moved in his arms，they would both have fallen into the dangerous water．But she had no right to take his life，although her own was worthless，so she stayed still．

Angel walked purposefully towards a ruined church near the river．Against the old wall was an empty stone tomb．In this he carefully laid Tess，and kissing her lips，sighed deeply and happily．He immediately lay down on the ground next to the tomb，and looked fast asleep．

Tess stepped out of the tomb and managed to persuade Angel to walk back to the house，without waking him．It was very cold outside，and both had only night clothes on．She helped him to his sofa bed in the living room，and he still did not wake up．

Next morning he seemed to remember nothing of the night's experiences，and Tess did not refer to his sleepwalking．They finished packing and left the farmhouse，where they had hoped to be so happy．After driving some distance Angel stopped the carriage to get down and continue on foot．Tess was going further on in the carriage．He spoke seriously to her as they separated．

‘Now remember，’he said，‘ I am not angry with you，but I cannot bear to live with you at the moment．I will try to accept it．But until I come to you，you should not try to come to me．’

The punishment seemed a heavy one to Tess．Had she really deserved this？

‘May I write to you？’

‘Oh yes，if you are ill or need anything．You probably won't，so I might be the first to write．’

‘I agree to the conditions，Angel，because you know best．Only don't make it too much for me to bear！’

That was all she said．If she had sobbed or fainted or begged him，he would probably have given way．But she made it easy for him．He gave her some money and they said goodbye．He stood on the road watching the carnage continue up the hill，secretly hoping that Tess would look back．But she was lying half dead with misery inside．He turned to walk on alone， not realizing thai he still loved her．

■ 15

第二天早晨克萊爾睡醒時，天空灰濛濛的，沒有陽光照耀。房間的壁爐裡堆滿了冰冷的柴灰。兩杯滿滿的酒仍舊擺在桌子上，不曾被動過。

當那個女清潔工到來時，他把她打發走了，他不想房子裡有第三個人。他找了些木頭，生起了火，開始做早飯。路過這農舍的人看到煙囪裡升起炊煙，都羨慕這對幸福的新婚夫婦。

“早飯難備好了！”他用一種平常的聲音衝著樓上喊道。

苔絲馬上就下來了。她已經穿好了衣服，但手和臉都冰涼冰涼的。她的臥室裡沒有生火，她就在那兒一直坐著，盯著那束快要枯死的藤枝，等著他叫她。克萊爾彬彬有禮的言談讓她產生了一瞬間的希望，但是，當她看到他的面孔時，這希望消逝了。

實際上，他們倆都是他們從前火焰的灰燼。在經歷了昨夜的極度悲痛之後，他們倆都很沉重，而且疲憊不堪。

苔絲走到安吉爾身邊，用手指輕輕地碰碰他。這真地就是那個曾經愛過她的男人嗎？她的眼睛晶瑩明亮，兩頰依然豐滿圓潤，只是她的雙脣沒有血色。她看起來純潔得不容置疑。安吉爾驚詫地注視著她。

“苔絲！說吧，那不是真的！那不可能是真的！”

“是真的。”

“句句是真？”

“句句是真。”

他幾乎寧願她撒個謊，這樣他就可以睜隻眼閉隻眼地相信她，但是她重複道：“是真的。”

“他還活著嗎？”安吉爾問道。

“孩子死了。”

“可那個人呢？”

“他還活著”。

“他在英國嗎？”

“是的。”

一種絕望的神情掠過克萊爾的臉，他茫然地在房間裡踱來踱去。

“你瞧，”他說，“我原以為——任何男人都會這麼以為的——如果在一個妻子身上，我不尋求學識、好的出身和財富的話，如果我犧牲這一切的話，那麼我確信我會找到一個至少是純潔的鄉下姑娘……但是……但是，我不應該譴責你。”

苔絲瞭解他的感情，知道他已經完全不知所措了。

“安吉爾，假如當時我沒有意識到這事對你來說至少還有一條出路的話，我是不會和你結婚的……只是我曾希望你將永遠不會……”她說著就要哭了。

“一條出路？”

“你可以和我離婚。”

“天哪！你怎麼會這麼傻呢？我怎麼能同你離婚呢？”

“你難道不能嗎，既然我已經把一切都告訴你了？”

“哦，苔絲，你太幼稚了！你不懂法律。不，我不能離婚。”

苔絲的臉上露出了羞愧、痛苦的神情。

“我原以為你能這麼做的，”她輕聲說，“不要認為我是算計好的！我真地以為你可以用這種方式解脫的。哦，那昨晚我真應該那麼做，可是我沒有膽量。我這個人就是這樣！”

“有膽量去做什麼？”他問。

“結束我自己的生命。”

“在哪兒？”

“在臥室裡，在你的桑藤下。用我箱子上解下的繩子。但是最終我沒做成！我怕人們會議論，你會因此蒙受痛苦。”

克萊爾被這出乎意料的供認驚得發顫。

“現在，聽著。你必須永遠不再想那樣邪惡的事情。向我，向你的丈夫保證你永遠不會做出那種事情。”

“我保證。我明白這是邪惡的。但是，安吉爾，這是讓你獲得自由的辦法。這樣就可以避免一次讓人人都議論的離婚。但是，死在我自己手裡對我太寬容了。你，我的丈夫，應該殺了我。如果有這種可能，如果你讓你自己這麼做的話，我想我會更愛你的。我給你帶來了這麼多的麻煩！”

“別說了！別再說這個了。”

“好，照你的意思做，無論你想要我做什麼，我都會照辦的。”

又疲憊又傷心地，他們坐下來吃早飯。他們誰也沒看對方一眼，草草地吃了一點兒。安吉爾吃完後很快就離開了，到附近的麵粉廠，開始學習技術。苔絲清掃了壁爐裡的灰燼，打掃了房子，準備午飯，等著他回來。吃午飯時他們客氣地談了談麵粉廠的工作情況以及加工麵粉的方法。下午，他又到麵粉廠去了，晚上就看他的書和報紙。苔絲覺得自己妨礙他了，就到廚房去了。他到那兒找到了她。

“不要在廚房裡這樣幹活。”他說道，“你不是我的用人，你是我的妻子。”

她看起來高興了些。“你的意思是，我可以這樣看待自己？”

“苔絲，你這是什麼意思？當然了，你是我的妻子。”

“我不知道。”她說道，眼裡噙著淚水。“我很早以前就給你講過，我不夠好，配不上你。現在我也不夠好！我是對的！但是你說服了我！”

她轉過身去背對著他，心痛欲碎般地啜泣著。這本來會使任何一個男人軟下心來，但是安吉爾·克萊爾卻無動於衷。在他內心深處，存在著一種堅硬的理性，這種理性讓他牴觸過教會，現在又來牴觸苔絲了。她接受了他對她的態度，把它看做理所當然的。在她眼裡，他依然完美。

同樣的生活又過去了一天。苔絲只嘗試過一次去接近她的丈夫。他要離開到麵粉廠去的時候，她湊上她的脣，等他吻她。他對她的主動表示不加理睬，只是冷冷地說了聲再見。當時她的感覺就像捱了他的打。在塔爾勃塞那些快樂的日子裡，他是多麼經常地想要吻她啊！

但是在去往麵粉廠的路上，安吉樂對自己的冷酷無情感到後悔。他真希望自己剛才能對她好一些，至少吻她一下。

於是，他們又捱過去了一天——一起生活在同一幢屋裡，可是彼此間的距離卻比以往任何時候都大。克萊爾拼命地考慮該怎麼辦。苔絲對得到寬恕甚至都不再抱希望了。那天晚上，她勇敢地說道：

“我猜想你不打算同我長久地一起生活，是嗎，安吉爾？”她發現想控制面部的肌肉真是困難。

“是的。那個人還活著，我們怎麼能像夫婦那樣一起生活呢？他是你實質上的丈夫，而我卻不是。如果他已經死了，情況也許會不同。不過，你考慮過將來沒有？考慮過我們也許會有孩子嗎？他們會知道這件事，人人都會議論它。你能想象他們在那樣的陰影中成長嗎？他們會因此而恨你的。”

苔絲的頭垂下去了。她的眼睛感到沉重得幾乎要閉上了。“不，我不能要求你和我在一起，”她輕聲說道，“我還從沒考慮過那些事情。”

她本來希望，像所有女人們會做的那樣，一起生活一段時間，會消除他的冷漠。她贏回他的心的唯一希望便是每天都伴在他身旁。但她從來都沒想過她也許會有孩子，而他們會排斥她。她現在想起來她怎樣地責怪過她母親，說她無力照管孩子，卻把他們帶到這個世界來了。她意識到，她也許會和瓊·德北犯同樣的錯誤。她完全接受了安吉爾的論點。

她原可以爭辯說，他們可以按照原計劃到另一個國家的農場去，在那兒，沒有人會知道她的過去。但是她沒有爭辯，也許這是對的。一個女人不但瞭解自己的痛苦，而且瞭解她丈夫的痛苦。即使根本沒有人知道或提起這件事，他也許還是會讓這份苦楚存在他心裡。她已經輸了。

到了第三天，她說：“我接受你講的道理。我們必須分開。”

“但是你怎麼辦呢？”

“我可以回孃家。”

克萊爾不曾想到過這事。“你真的行嗎？”

“是的，如果我和你朝夕相處的話，我也許會說服你留下來，這有悖你更為合理的判斷，然後我們倆都會後悔的。我必須走。”

“你說得對，”安吉爾說。他的臉很蒼白，但他的語氣很堅決。

苔絲微微有些震驚。對她慷慨大方的提議，他竟同意得這麼快！

“我並不想提出這個建議，”他說，“但是你既然提出了，我認為分開是個好辦法——至少分開一段時間。上帝知道，也許有朝一日，我們又會走到一起的！”

於是兩個人都準備第二天離開。當晚，苔絲被房子裡發出的聲響驚醒了。起先，她以為是安吉爾到她臥室來了，她的心歡喜得一陣狂跳。但是，隨後她看清了他的眼睛正茫然空洞地直視著前方，知道他這是在夢遊。他來到她房間當中，悲慼地說道：“死了！死了！死了！可憐的，親愛的苔絲！你是多麼溫柔，多麼可愛，多麼純潔呀！”

這些他醒著的時候永遠不會說的話，在苔絲聽來，是那麼地甜蜜。她不願為拯救自己而躲避。她一動也不動地躺著，盡力不呼吸。她急切地想知道他會對她做些什麼。她對他的信任是完完全全的。

他把她抱起來，託著她朝樓梯走去。他要把她摔下去嗎？她知道他明天就要離開她了，也許是永遠地離開了。她幾乎希望他們一起跌下樓，一起死去。

他繼續下樓，又把她抱出了房子，朝那條河走去。她把自己整個兒託付給他了，只要能和他在一起，她不在乎她會出什麼事。他們到了一個河水又急又深的地方，安吉爾還是抱著苔絲，開始穿越那條狹窄的人行橋。也許他想淹死她。但即使是那樣，也比分離好啊。

在他們過橋的時候，下面的河水在凶猛湍急地奔流。如果苔絲在他懷裡動一動，他們就會雙雙落入這凶多吉少的河流中。儘管她自己的生命無足輕重，但是她沒有權力帶走他的生命，因此，她靜靜地躺著。

安吉爾下意識地走到了河流附近的一座殘破的教堂。靠著那座舊牆，有一個空石墓。他把苔絲小心翼翼地放到了裡面，吻著她的脣，深深地、愉快地嘆息著。然後，他就躺倒在墳墓旁邊的地面上。看起來他已經熟睡了。

苔絲從墳墓中走了出來，她設法誘導安吉爾和她走回家去，又不驚醒他。外面很冷，而他們倆都只穿著睡衣。她扶他上了起居室裡他那張沙發床，而他仍然沒有醒過來。

第二天早晨，他像是一點兒也記不起來夜裡的經歷了，而苔絲也沒有提起他夢遊的事。他們收拾好了行李，就離開了農舍——他們原來希望在那兒度過一段幸福時光的。駕車前行了一段路後，安吉爾停住馬車，下來繼續步行。苔絲還要坐著馬車往前走。在他們告別的時候，他神情嚴肅地對她說了些話。

“嗯，記住，”他說，“我不怨恨你，可是，這個時候，我無法忍受和你生活在一起。我將會盡力去接受它。但是，在我回到你身邊之前，你最好不要來找我。”

這種懲罰對苔絲像是很嚴酷。她真地是罪有應得嗎？

“我可以給你寫信嗎？”

“哦，可以，如果你生了病或有什麼需要的話。可能你不會有這種事，所以也許是我先給你寫。”

“我同意這些條件，安吉爾，因為你最懂得該怎麼辦。只是不要做得讓我無法承受！”