# ■ 21 Mr Rivers'sacrifice

I had twenty village girls to teach，some of them with such a strong country accent that I could hardly communicate with them．Only three could read，and none could write，so at the end of my first day I felt quite depressed at the thought of the hard work ahead of me．But I reminded myself that I was fortunate to have any sort of job，and that I would certainly get used to teaching these girls，who，although they were very poor，might be as good and as intelligent as children from the greatest families in England．

Ever since I ran away from Thornfield，Mr Rochester had remained in my thoughts，and now，as I stood at my cottage door that first evening，looking at the quiet fields，I allowed myself to imagine again the life I could have had with him in his little white house in the south of France．He would have loved me，oh yes，he would have loved me very much for a while．'He did love me，'I thought，'nobody will ever love me like that again．'But then I told myself that I would only have been his mistress，in a foreign country，and for a short time，until he grew tired of me．I should be much happier here as a schoolteacher，free and honest，in the healthy heart of England．But strangely enough，St John Rivers found me crying as he approached the cottage．Frowning at the sight of the tears on my cheeks，he asked me，

Do you regret accepting this job，then？'

Oh no，'I replied quickly，'I'm sure I'll get used to it soon．And I'm really very grateful to have a home，and work to do．After all，I had nothing a few weeks ago．'

But you feel lonely，perhaps？'he asked，still puzzled．

I haven't had time to feel lonely yet．'

Well，I advise you to work hard，and hot to look back into your past．If something which we know is wrong tempts us，then we must make every effort to avoid it，by putting our energy to better use．A year ago I too was very miserable，because I was bored by the routine life of a country vicar，and I was tempted to change my profession．But suddenly there was light in my darkness，and God called me to be a missionary．No profession could be greater than that！Since that moment of truth，I have been perfectly happy，making my preparations for leaving England and going abroad in the service of God．Happy，that is，except for one little human weakness，which I have sworn to overcome．'

His eyes shone as he spoke of his great purpose in life，and I was listening，fascinated，so neither of us heard the light footsteps approaching the cottage along the grassy path．

Good evening，Mr Rivers，'said a charming voice，as sweet as a bell．St John jumped as if hit between the shoulders，then turned slowly and stiffly to face the speaker．A vision in white，with a young，girlish figure，was standing beside him．When she threw back her veil，she revealed a face of perfect beauty．St John glanced quickly at her，but dared not look at her for long．He kept his eyes on the ground as he answered，'A lovely evening，but it's late for you to be out alone．'

Oh，Father told me you'd opened the new girls'school，so I simply had to come to meet the new schoolteacher．That must be you，'she said to me，smiling．'Do you like Morton？And your pupils？And your cottage？'I realized this must be the rich Miss Oliver who had generously furnished my cottage．

Yes，indeed Miss Oliver，''I'replied．'I'm sure 'I'll enjoy teaching here．And I like my cottage very much．'

I'll come and help you teach sometimes．I get so bored at home！Mr Rivers， I've been away visiting friends，you know．I've had such fun！I was dancing with the officers until two o'clock this morning！They're all so charming！'

St John's face looked sterner than usual and his lip curled in disapproval，as he lifted his handsome head and looked straight into Miss Oliver's laughing eyes．He breathed deeply and his chest rose，as if his heart wanted to fly out of its cage，but he said nothing，and after a pause Miss Oliver continued，'Do come and visit my father，Mr Rivers．Why don't you ever come？'

I can't come，Miss Rosamund．'It seemed clear to me that St John had to struggle with himself to refuse this smiling invitation．

Well，if you don't want to，I must go home then．

Goodbye！'She held out her hand．He just touched it，his hand trembling．

Goodbye！'he said in a low，hollow voice，his face as white as a sheet．They walked away in different directions．She turned back twice to look at him，but he did not turn round at all．

The sight of another person's suffering and sacrifice stopped me thinking so much about my own problems．I had plenty of opportunities to observe St John and Miss Oliver together．Every day St John taught one Bible lesson at the school，and Miss Oliver，who knew her power over him，always chose that particular moment to arrive at the school door，in her most attractive riding dress．She used to walk past the rows of admiring pupils towards the young vicar，smiling openly at him．He just stared at her，as if he wanted to say，' I love you，and I know you love me．If I offered you my heart，I think you'd accept．But my heart is already promised as a sacrifice to God．'But he never said anything，and she always turned sadly away like a disappointed child．No doubt he would have given the world to call her back，but he would not give his chance of heaven．

When I discovered that Miss Oliver's father greatly admired the Rivers family，and would have no objection to her marrying a vicar，I decided to try to persuade St John to marry her．I thought he could do more good with Miss Oliver's money in England than as a missionary under the baking sun in the East．

My chance came some weeks later，when he visited me one November evening in my little cottage．He noticed a sketch I had been doing of Miss Oliver，and could not take his eyes off it．

I could paint you an exact copy，'I said gently，'if you admit that you would like it．'

She's so beautiful！'he murmured，still looking at it．'I would certainly like to have it．'

She likes you，I'm sure，'I said，greatly daring，'and her father respects you．You ought to marry her．'

It's very pleasant to hear this，'he said，not at all shocked by my honesty．'I shall allow myself fifteen minutes to think about her．'And he actually put his watch on the table，and sat back in his chair，closing his eyes．'Married to the lovely Rosamund Oliver！Let me just imagine it！My heart is full of delight！'And there was silence for a quarter of an hour until he picked up his watch，and put the sketch back on the table．

Temptation has a bitter taste，'he said，shaking his head．'I can't marry her．You see，although I love her so deeply，I know that Rosamund would not make a good wife for a missionary．

But you needn't be a missionary！'I cried．

Indeed I must！It's the great work God has chosen me to do！I shall carry with me into the darkest corners of the world knowledge，peace，freedom，religion，the hope of heaven！That is what I live for，and what I shall die for！'

What about Miss Oliver？'I asked after a moment．'She may be very disappointed if you don't marry her．'

Miss Oliver will forget me in a month，and will probably marry someone who'll make her far happier than I ever could！'

You speak calmly，but I know you're suffering．'

You are original，'he said，looking surprised．He had clearly not imagined that men and women could discuss such deep feelings together．'But believe me，I have overcome this weakness of mine，and become as hard as a rock．My only ambition now is to serve God．'As he picked up his hat before leaving，something on a piece of paper on the table caught his eye．He glanced at me，then tore off a tiny piece very quickly，and with a rapid'Goodbye！'rushed out of the cottage．I could not imagine what he had found to interest him so much．

■ 21 李維斯先生的代價

我給村裡的二十個女孩兒上課，有些女孩兒鄉下口音很重，我幾乎無法和她們交流。只有三人會讀書，沒有人會寫字。所以第一天下來，想到擺在我面前的艱苦工作，我感到非常沮喪。但是我提醒自己能找到任何一份工作對我來說都是幸運的，我一定能習慣教這些孩子，她們儘管很窮，但可能和來自英格蘭大家族的孩子一樣好，一樣聰明。

自從離開特恩費得後，羅切斯特先生一直留在我的腦海裡。現在，我在這第一個夜晚站在小屋門口，望著靜靜的田野，任由自己想象著在法國南部的小白屋裡我們會過怎樣一種生活。他會愛我。噢，是的，他會一時非常愛我。“他的確愛過我。”我想。“再不會有誰像他那樣愛我。”但是我又告誡自己，我只能成為他在異國的情婦，時間不會長，直到他厭倦我了。在這裡做教師，生活在英格蘭健康的腹地，我會更快活、自由和實在。可奇怪的是當聖約翰來到小屋時，他卻發現我在哭泣。他看著我臉頰上的淚痕，皺著眉頭問：

“那麼你後悔了？”

“噢，不，”我趕緊說，“我相信我很快會適應的。而且有了家，有了工作，我真的非常感激。無論如何，幾星期前我還是一無所有呢！”

“也許你感到孤獨？”他仍然不解地問。

“我還沒有時間去感受孤獨。”

“那麼我建議你努力工作，不要去回首往事。如果我們明知是錯誤的東西在引誘我們，我們就必須盡一切努力避免它，把精力放在更有意義的方面。一年前我也非常痛苦，因為鄉村牧師的單調生活讓我感到厭倦，我起了換個工作的念頭。然而黑暗中突然出現了光明，上帝召喚我去做一名傳教士。沒有什麼職業比這更偉大了！從那個真理顯現的時刻起，我就一直非常快樂，準備著離開英格蘭，到國外去為上帝效力。這就是快樂，除此之外，我還有一個人性的小弱點需要克服。”

他講述自己的遠大人生目標時，眼睛都亮了，我聽著，非常激動，因此我們誰也沒有聽到沿著長滿小草的路走向小屋的腳步聲。

“晚上好，李維斯先生。”有人說道，聲音優美動人，如銀鈴般甜美。聖約翰一抖，好像被人從背後打了一下，然後慢慢地、僵硬地轉過身去對著來人。他身後站著一個身穿白衣、年輕、有著少女般體態的人。當她撩起面紗時，她現出了姣好完美的面容。聖約翰迅速瞥了她一眼，卻不敢長時間看她。他一直盯著腳下回答道：“夜很美，但太晚了，你不該單獨出來。”

“噢，父親告訴我你已開辦了新的女童學校，所以我必須來見見新老師。一定是你了。”她笑著對我說。“你喜歡莫頓嗎？還有你的學生呢？你的小屋呢？”我意識到這一定是有錢的奧利弗小姐，她慷慨地為我的小屋提供了傢俱。

“的確喜歡，奧利弗小姐。”我答道。“我肯定會喜歡在這裡教書，並且我非常喜歡我的小屋。”

“我有時會來幫你教書的，我在家裡待得無聊。李維斯先生，我出門看朋友去了，過得非常愉快！我一直和軍官們跳舞到凌晨兩點鐘。他們都太迷人了！”

當聖約翰抬起英俊的臉而直視奧利弗小姐一雙滿含笑意的臉時，他的臉比平時變得更加嚴肅，嘴角向下撇著表示不以為然。他深深地吸了一口氣，胸膛鼓了起來，好像他的心要飛出牢籠一般，然而他什麼也沒說。沉默一陣後，奧利弗小姐繼續說：“請一定來看望我父親，李維斯先生。你為什麼不來呢？”

“羅莎蒙特小姐，我不能去。”我明顯看出聖約翰必須努力剋制自己，不接受這帶著微笑的邀請。

“好吧，如果你不想去，我就得回家了。再見！”她伸出手去。他只是碰了碰，手直髮抖。

“再見！”他用空落落的聲音低聲說，臉也變得像紙一樣蒼白。他們朝不同的方向走去。她兩次回過頭來看著他，而他根本沒有轉過一次身。

看到別人的痛苦和犧牲，使我暫時不再去想自己的問題。我有很多機會觀察聖約翰和奧利弗小姐。每天聖約翰在學校上一次聖經課，而奧利弗小姐明白自己對他的影響力，總是挑這個時候，穿著迷人的騎裝，來到學校門口。她常常在孩子們欽慕的注視下走向年輕的牧師，毫不掩飾地向他微笑著。他只是注視著她，好像想說：“我愛你，我也知道你愛我。如果我把心交給你，我想你會接受的，但我的心已經答應奉獻給上帝。”可他從來不說什麼，而她也總是像個失望的孩子一樣傷心地離去。毫無疑問他可以放棄世上的一切喚她回來，但卻不能放棄他進入天堂的機會。

我發現奧利弗小姐的父親非常尊重李維斯一家，決不會反對女兒嫁給一個牧師，便決定說服奧利弗和她結婚。我覺得，與在東方的驕陽下做什麼傳教士相比，他有了奧利弗小姐的財產，可以在英格蘭做更多善事。

幾個星期後，我找到了機會。11月的一個晚上，他到小屋來看我。他注意到我為奧利弗小姐畫的一幅素描，無法把目光從上面移開。

“如果你承認你喜歡，我可以為你畫一幅更細的。”我輕聲說。

“她太美了！”他喃喃地說，目光仍然盯著畫。“我當然願意要一張。”

“我敢肯定她喜歡你。”我大膽地說。“他父親也尊重你，你應該娶她。”

“很高興聽你這麼說。”他說，一點兒也不為我的坦率感到驚訝。“我給我自己十五分鐘來想她。”他真的將表放在桌上，然後靠到椅子上，閉上了眼睛。“和可愛的羅莎蒙特·奧利弗小姐結婚！讓我想像一下吧！我心中充滿了快樂！”一刻鐘裡寂靜無聲，然後他拿起手錶，把素描放回桌上。

“誘惑是苦澀的。”他搖著頭說。“我不能和她結婚。你知道，儘管我深深地愛著她，但我知道羅莎蒙特不會成為一個傳教士的好妻子。”

“可你不一定非做傳教士啊！”我叫道。

“我當然必須做！這是上帝選擇我去做的偉大工作！我要給世界上最黑暗的角落帶去知識、和平、自由、宗教和天堂的希望。我為此而生，也將為此而死！”

“那奧利弗小姐怎麼辦？”我過了一會兒問。“你不娶她，她可能會非常失望。”

“奧利弗小姐一個月後就會把我忘掉，可能會嫁給一個比我更能使她幸福的人！”

“你說起來輕鬆，但我知道你很痛苦。”

“你真有創見！”他驚奇地說。顯然他想像不出男女之間還可以一起討論這樣深層的情感問題。“不過，相信我，我已經克服了自己的這個弱點，變得如頑石般堅強。我現在唯一的志向就是為上帝服務。”他拿起帽子正要離去，桌上紙上的什麼東西吸引了他的注意力。他看了我一眼，然後迅速撕下一個小角。他匆匆說聲“再見！”便衝出了小屋。我搞不清他發現了什麼讓他這麼感興趣的東西。