# ■ 2 Leaving Gateshead

I woke up to find the doctor lifting me very carefully into my own bed．It was good to be back in my familiar bedroom，with a warm fire and candle-light．It was also a great relief to recognize Dr Lloyd，who Mrs Reed called in for her servants（she always called a specialist for herself and the children）．He was looking after me so kindly．I felt he would protect me from Mrs Reed．He talked to me a little，then gave Bessie orders to take good care of me．When he left，I felt very lonely again．

But I was surprised to find that Bessie did not scold me at all．In fact she was so kind to me that I became brave enough to ask a question．

Bessie，what's happened？Am I ill？'

Yes，you became ill in the red room，but you'll get better，don't worry，Miss Jane，'she answered．Then she went next door to fetch another servant．I could hear her whispers．

Sarah，come in here and sleep with me and that poor child tonight．I daren't stay alone with her，she might die．She was so ill last night！Do you think she saw a ghost？Mrs Reed was too hard on her，I think．'So the two servants slept in my room，while I lay awake all night，trembling with fear，and eyes wide open in horror，imagining ghosts in every corner．

Fortunately I suffered no serious illness as a result of my terrible experience in the red room，although I shall never forget that night．But the shock left me nervous and depressed for the next few days．I cried all day long and although Bessie tried hard to tempt me with nice things to eat or my favourite books，I took no pleasure in eating or even in reading．I knew I had no one to love me and nothing to look forward to．

When the doctor came again，he seemed a little surprised to find me looking so miserable．

Perhaps she's crying because she couldn't go out with Mrs Reed in the carriage this morning，'suggested Bessie．

Surely she's more sensible than that，'said the doctor，smiling at me．'She's a big girl now．'

I'm not crying about that．I hate going out in the carriage．'I said quickly．'I'm crying because I'm miserable．'

Oh really，Miss！'said Bessie．

The doctor looked at me thoughtfully．He had small，grey，intelligent eyes．Just then a bell rang for the servants'dinner．

You can go，Bessie，'he said．'I'll stay here talking to Miss Jane till you come back．'

After Bessie had left，he asked，'What really made you ill？'

I was locked up in a room with a ghost，in the dark．'

Afraid of ghosts，are you？'he smiled．

Of Mr Reed's ghost，yes．He died in that room，you know．Nobody ever goes in there any more．It was cruel to lock me in there alone without a candle．I shall never forget it！'

But you aren't afraid now．There must be another reason why you are so sad，'he said，looking kindly at me．

How could I tell him all the reasons for my unhappiness！

I have no father or mother，brothers or sisters，'I began．

But you have a kind aunt and cousins．'

But John Reed knocked me down and my aunt locked me in the red room，'I cried．There was a pause．

Don't you like living at Gateshead，in such a beautiful house？'he asked．

I would be glad to leave it，but I have nowhere else to go．'

You have no relations apart from Mrs Reed？'

I think I may have some，who are very poor，but I know nothing about them，'I answered．

Would you like to go to school？'he asked finally．I thought for a moment．I knew very little about school，but at least it would be a change，the start of a new life．

Yes，I would like to go，'I replied in the end．

Well，well，'said the doctor to himself as he got up，'we'll see．The child is delicate，she ought to have a change of air．'

I heard later from the servants that he had spoken to Mrs Reed about me，and that she had agreed immediately to send me to school．Abbott said Mrs Reed would be glad to get rid of me．In this conversation I also learned for the first time that my father had been a poor vicar．When he married my mother，Miss Jane Reed of Gateshead，the Reed family were so angry that they disinherited her．I also heard that my parents both died of an illness only a year after their wedding．

But days and weeks passed，and Mrs Reed still said nothing about sending me to school．One day，as she was scolding me，I suddenly threw a question at her．The words just came out without my planning to say them．

What would uncle Reed say to you if he were alive？'I asked．

What？'cried Mrs Reed，her cold grey eyes full of fear，staring at me as if I were a ghost．I had to continue．

My uncle Reed is now in heaven，and can see all you think and do，and so can my parents．They know how you hate me，and are cruel to me．'

Mrs Reed smacked my face and left me without a word．I was scolded for an hour by Bessie as the most ungrateful child in the world，and indeed with so much hate in my heart I did feel wicked．

Christmas passed by，with no presents or new clothes for me．Every evening I watched Eliza and Georgiana putting on their new dresses and going out to parties Sometimes Bessie would come up to me in my lonely bedroom，bringing a piece of cake，sometimes she would tell me a story，and sometimes she would kiss me goodnight．When she was kind to me I thought she was the best person in the world，but she did not always have time for me．

On the morning of the fifteenth of January，Bessie rushed up to my room，to tell me a visitor wanted to see me．Who could it be？I knew Mrs Reed would be there too and I was frightened of seeing her again．When I nervously entered the breakfast-room I looked up at a black column！At least that was what he looked like to me．He was a tall，thin man dressed all in black，with a cold，stony face at the top of the column．

This is the little girl I wrote to you about，'said Mrs Reed to the stony stranger．

Well，Jane Eyre，'said the stranger heavily，'and are you a good child？'

It was impossible to say yes，with Mrs Reed sitting there，so I was silent．

Perhaps the less said about that，the better，Mr Brocklehurst，'said Mrs Reed，shaking her head．

I'm sorry to hear it，he answered．'Come here．Jane Eyre，and answer my questions．Where do the wicked go after death？'

They go to hell，'I answered．

And what must you do to avoid going there？'he asked．

I thought for a moment，but could not find the right answer．

I must keep in good health，and not die，'I replied．

Wrong！Children younger than you die all the time．Another question．Do you enjoy reading the Bible？'

Yes，sometimes，'I replied，hesitating．

That is not enough．Your answers show me you have a wicked heart．You must pray to God to change it，if you ever want to go to heaven．'

Mr Brocklehurst，'interrupted Mrs Reed，'I mentioned to you in my letter that this little girl has in fact a very bad character．If you accept her at Lowood school，please make sure that the headmistress and teachers know how dishonest she is．She will try to lie to them of course．You see，Jane，you cannot try your tricks on Mr Brocklehurst．'

However hard I had tried to please Mrs Reed in the past，she always thought the worst of me．It was not surprising that I had come to hate her．Now she was accusing me in front of a stranger．My hopes of starting a new life at school began to fade．

Do not worry，madam，'Mr Brocklehurst said，'the teachers will watch her carefully．Life at Lowood will do her good．We believe in hard work，plain food，simple clothes and no luxury of any kind．'

I will send her as soon as possible then，Mr Brocklehurst．I hope she will be taught according to her low position in life．'

Indeed she will，madam．I hope she will be grateful for this opportunity to improve her character．Little girl，read this book．It tells the story of the sudden death of a young girl who was a liar．Read and pray．'

After Mr Brocklehurst had given me the book and left，I felt I had to speak．Anger was boiling up inside me．I walked up to Mrs Reed and looked straight into her eyes．

I do not deceive people！If I told lies，I would say I loved you！But I don't，I hate you！I will never call you aunt again as long as I live．If anyone asks how you treated me，I will tell them the truth，that you were very cruel to me．People think you are a good woman，but you are lying to them！'

Even before I had finished I began to experience a great feeling of freedom and relief．At last I had said what I felt！Mrs Reed looked frightened and unhappy．

Jane，I want to be your friend．You don't know what you're saying．You are too excited．Go to your room and lie down．'

I won't lie down．I'm quite calm．Send me to school soon，Mrs Reed．I hate living here．'

I will indeed send her soon，'murmured Mrs Reed to herself．

■ 2 離開蓋茨赫德

我醒來時，發現醫生正小心地把我抱回我的床上。回到自己熟悉的、有溫暖的爐火和燭光的臥室，真是太好了。見到洛依德醫生也是極大的安慰。裡德太太總是請他為僕人看病（她和她的子女請的是專科大夫）。他仔細護理著我，我覺得他可以在裡德太太面前保護我。他和我說了會兒話，然後告訴貝茜要好好照顧我。他走了，我又感到非常孤獨。

但令我驚奇的是貝茜根本沒有訓斥我。實際上，她待我很好，我竟壯著膽子問了她一個問題。

“貝茜，發生了什麼事？我病了嗎？”

“是的，你在紅房子裡病倒了，不過你會好起來的，別擔心，簡小姐。”她答道，然後到隔壁屋裡叫來了另一個僕人，我能聽得到她悄悄的說話聲。

“莎拉，今晚到這兒來陪我和這個小可憐一起睡。我不敢單獨陪她，她可能會死的，昨晚她病得很厲害。你認為她看到鬼了嗎？我覺得裡德太太待她太狠了。”於是，兩個僕人睡在了我的房裡。我躺著一夜不曾閤眼，渾身驚恐地打顫，兩眼因害怕睜得大大的，想象著每個角落裡都有鬼魂。

幸運的是，我沒有因紅房子裡的可怕經歷而害一場大病，但我永遠忘不了那個晚上。後來的幾天裡，由於驚嚇我變得非常緊張和憂鬱，整天哭泣著。儘管貝茜想盡辦法用好吃的和我喜歡的書吸引我，我卻不願意吃東西，甚至不想讀書。我知道沒有人愛我，沒什麼可指望的。

醫生又來了，他看到我痛苦的樣子感到很吃驚。

“她哭，也許是因為今天早晨不能和裡德太太一起坐馬車。”貝茜猜測著。

“她比這懂事得多，”醫生邊說邊衝我笑著。“她已經是大孩子了。”

“我不是因為這個哭。我討厭坐馬車出門。”我馬上說。“我哭是因為我很痛苦。”

“噢，真的嗎，小姐？”貝茜說。

醫生關切地看著我，他那雙灰色的小眼睛充滿智慧。這時鈴響了，叫僕人們去吃飯。

“貝茜，你可以走了，”他說，“我在這兒和簡小姐說話，等你回來。”

等貝茜走後，他問：“你究竟是怎麼病的？”

“我被關在有鬼的黑房子裡。”

他笑了：“怕鬼，是嗎？”

“是的，怕裡德先生的鬼魂。你知道，他是在那間屋裡去世的，誰都不再進去。把我單獨關在裡面，又不點蠟燭，真是太殘酷了，我永遠忘不了！”

“可是你現在並不怕呀！你這麼難過一定另有原因。”他說著，和藹地看著我。

我怎麼能向他訴說什麼讓我難過呢！

“我沒有父親、母親，也沒有兄弟、姐妹，”我說。

“可是你有好心的舅媽和表兄妹呀。”

“但是，是約翰·裡德把我打倒的，是舅媽把我關起來的。”我哭了，無法再說下去。

“你不喜歡住在蓋茨赫德、住在這麼漂亮的大房子裡嗎？”他問。

“我很樂意離開這裡，但是無處可去。”

“除了裡德太太，你沒有其他親戚嗎？”

“也許有幾個，都很窮，但我對他們一無所知。”我答道。

他最後問：“你想上學嗎？”我想了一會兒。我對學校幾乎根本不瞭解，但那至少是個變化，是新生活的開始。

我最後說：“是的，我想上學。”

“好了，好了，”醫生自言自語著站了起來。“我們想想辦法。孩子太脆弱了，她該透透氣了。”

後來我從僕人那兒聽說，他和裡德太太談了我的事，她立刻就答應送我去學校。阿伯特說裡德太太把我打發走了才高興呢。談話中我還生平第一次得知我的父親曾是個窮牧師。他和媽媽——蓋茨赫德的簡·裡德小姐——結婚時，裡德一家非常生氣，取消了她的繼承權。我還得知我的父母在結婚一年後就雙雙因病去世。

時間一天天、一星期一星期地過去了，可是裡德太太還是不提送我上學的事。一天，她訓斥我時，我冷不防向她提了個問題。我事先並無準備，話就這麼從我嘴裡溜出來了。

“如果裡德先生活著，他會怎麼說？”我問。

“什麼？”裡德太太叫道，她冷漠的灰眼睛充滿恐懼地盯著我，好像我是個鬼。我必須接著說下去。

“我的裡德舅舅現在在天堂，可以知道你所想的和你乾的事，我父母也知道。他們知道你多麼恨我，對我多麼殘忍。”

裡德太太給了我一個耳光，一言不發地走開了。貝茜訓了我一個鐘頭，說我是世界上最不感恩的孩子。的確，我心中充滿仇恨，連自己都覺得自己壞。

聖誕節過去了，我沒有禮物，也沒有新衣服。每天晚上，我都看著伊麗莎和喬治娜換上新裙子去參加舞會。貝茜有時到我孤零零的臥室來，帶塊蛋糕或講個故事，有時吻吻我，與我道晚安。她對我好時，我覺得她是世界上最好的人，但她不是總有時間陪我。

1月15日早晨，貝茜跑到我的房間裡，說有個客人要見我。是誰呢？我知道里德太太也會在場，我怕再見到她。我害怕地走進早餐室，抬起頭來，看到的是一根黑柱子！至少，在我看來他的模樣就是這樣。他又高又瘦，身穿黑衣，上端是一張冰冷、僵硬的臉。

“這就是我信中提到的女孩。”裡德太太對冷冰冰的陌生人說。

“啊，簡·愛，”陌生人低沉地說，“你是個好孩子嗎？”

裡德太太坐在那裡，我不可能答“是”，於是只好沉默。

“布魯克赫斯特先生，這點最好少提。”裡德太太邊說邊搖頭。

“真遺憾。”他說。“簡·愛，到這兒來回答我的問題。壞人死後去哪裡？”

“進地獄。”我答道。

“你應該做什麼才能不進地獄呢？”他問。

我想了想，但找不到正確的答案。

“我必須保持健康，不要死去。”我答道。

“不對，隨時都有比你還小的孩子死去。另一個問題，你喜歡讀《聖經》嗎？”

“是的，有時喜歡。”我猶豫著答道。

“這還不夠，你的回答表明你有顆邪惡的心。如果你想進天堂，你就要向上帝祈禱改變它。”

裡德太太打斷他說：“布魯克赫斯特先生，我在信中已向你說起這孩子性情很壞。如果你收她進洛伍德學校，就得讓所有女學監和教師知道她有多麼不老實，她肯定會對她們撒謊。簡，你瞧！你不能在布魯克赫斯特先生那兒耍花招。”

無論過去我下了多大功夫取悅裡德太太，她總是往最壞裡想我。我變得這麼恨她也就沒什麼奇怪的了。現在她又當著生人的面指責我，我到學校開始新生活的願望開始破滅了。

“太太，不必擔心。”布魯克赫斯特先生說。“教師們會嚴密監督她，洛伍德的生活對她有好處。我們信仰的是刻苦耐勞、節衣簡食，無任何奢侈可言。”

“布魯克赫斯特先生，我會盡快把她送去。我希望你們能根據她的低下身份教導她。”

“的確是這樣，太太。我希望她能為得到改造其品性的機會而表示感激。小姑娘，讀讀這本書，其中講的是一個撒謊的女孩突然死去的故事。讀吧，祈禱吧！”

布魯克赫斯特先生把書遞給我，然後走了。我覺得我必須說話，怒火在我胸中燃燒。我走到裡德太太面前，直盯著她的眼睛。

“我不騙人。如果我真的撒謊，我會說我愛你！可是，我不愛你，我恨你！只要我活著，我不會再叫你舅媽。如果有人問我你是怎麼待我的，我會以實相告，告訴他們你待我很凶。大家都把你當好人，可是你卻在騙他們。”

話還沒說完，我就已經感到無比輕鬆和自由，我終於說出了我的感受。裡德太太看上去既害怕又難受。

“簡，我想做你的朋友，你不明白你都說了些什麼。你太激動了，回房裡躺下歇會兒吧。”

“我不躺下，我很冷靜。裡德太太，快把我送去上學，我討厭住在這裡。”

裡德太太自語道：“我是得儘快讓她走。”

■ Part Two - A Gril At Lowood