# ■ 23 A voice from the past

I promised to stay at Morton school until Christmas，when St John would be able to find another teacher．He was there when I closed the school for the Christmas holidays．I was quite sorry to have to say goodbye to some of my pupils．

You see what progress they have made！And you've only worked here a few months！'he said．'Imagine how much more good you coul do if you gave your whole life to teaching！'

Yes，'I answered，'but I couldn't do it for ever．Don't mention school，I'm on holiday now！'

He looked serious．'What are your plans？'

I want you to let me have Hannah for a few days．She and I are going to clean Moor House from top to bottom，and make all the Christmas preparations that you know nothing about，being only a man．Everything must be ready for Diana and Mary when they come home next week，for a really wonderful holiday．'

St John smiled but he was still not satisfied with me．'That's all right for the moment，but I hope，Jane，that you'll look higher than domestic activity，and think abut a better way of using your energy and intelligence in the service of God．'

St John，I have so many reasons for happiness．I am determined to be happy despite your scolding！'

That week Hannah and I worked harder than we had ever worked in our lives before，but at last all was ready．It was a delight to see Diana's and Mary's faces when they arrived cold and stiff from their long journey，and saw the warm fires and polished furniture，and smelt the cakes and meat dishes cooking．

We three spent the whole of Christmas week in perfect happiness．The air of the moors，the freedom of home，and the beginning of independence made Diana and Mary happier than I had ever seen them．Only St John remained apart from our conversations and laughter．He continued his serious studies，and spent much time visiting the sick as usual．

Do you still intend to be a missionary？'Diana asked him once，a little sadly．

Nothing has changed or will change my plans，'he answered．'I shall leave England in a few months'time．'

And Rosamund Oliver？'asked Mary gently．

Rosamund Oliver is engaged to a Mr Granby，a very suitable young man，according to her father．'His face was calm．I realized he had managed to overcome what he called his weakness．

Gradually our life at Moor House lost its holiday feeling，and as we took up our usual habits and regular studies again，St John sat with us more often．Sometimes I had the impression he was observing us．One day，when Diana and Mary were out and I was learning German，he suddenly said to me，'I want you to learn Hindustani instead of German．I'll need it for my missionary work in India，and you could help me to learn it by studying with me．I've chosen you because I've noticed you have better powers of concentration than either of my sisters．'It seemed so important to him that I could not refuse，and when his sisters returned，they were surprised to find me learning Hindustani with St John．

From now on we spent a lot of time together，studying．I had to work very hard to satisfy him．Under his influence，however，I felt I was losing my freedom to be myself．I could no longer talk or laugh freely，as I knew he only approved of serious moods and studies．I fell under his freezing spell，obeying all his commands without thinking．

One evening，at bedtime，as he kissed his sisters good night，and was holding out his hand to shake mine，as usual，Diana said，laughing，'St John！You aren't treating Jane like one of the family！You should kiss her too．'I was rather embarrassed，but St John calmly kissed me，and did so every evening after that．

I had not forgotten Mr Rochester in all these changes of home and fortune．His name was written on my heart，and would stay there as long as I lived．Not only had I written to ask Mr Briggs more about him，I had also written twice to Mrs Fairfax．But after I had waited in vain for six months，I lost hope，and felt low indeed．Diana said I looked ill，and needed a holiday at the seaside，but St John thought I ought to concentrate on more serious work，and gave me even more Hindustani exercises to do．

One day，while he and I were walking on the moors，he announced，'Jane，I'll be leaving in six weeks．'

You're doing God's work．He'll protect you，'I replied．

Yes，it seems strange to me that all my friends don't want to join me．God offers a place in heaven to all who serve Him．What does your heart say to that，Jane？'

My heart is silent—my heart is silent，'I murmured．

Then I must speak for it，'said the deep，stern voice．'Jane，come with me to India as a missionary！'

Was it a call from God？I felt as if I was under a terrible spell，and I trembled，afraid that I might not be able to escape．

Oh St John，don't choose me！'I begged．But it was useless appealing to a man who always did what he believed to be his duty，however unpleasant it was．

God intended you to be a missionary's wife，'he continued．'Trust in Him，Jane．Marry me，for the service of God．'

I can't do it，St John，I'm not strong enough！'I cried．The iron bars of a cage seemed to be closing in around me．

I've seen how hard you can work，Jane．You will be a great help to me with Indian women，and in Indian schools．'

I thought，' Yes，I could do that．But I know that he doesn't love me， and despite that， he asks me to marry him！'So I said，

I'm ready to go with you to India，but as a sister， not as a wife．'

He shook his head．'You must see that's impossible． No， a sister could marry at any time， and leave me．I need a wife，who will obey me in life， and who will stay with me until death．'

I trembled as I felt his power over me already．'I'll give my heart to Good，'I said．'You don't want it．'As I looked at his stern face， I knew I could go anywhere in the world with him as a colleague， but I could never lose my freedom by marrying him．

I'll ask you again in a few days'time， he said，'and remember， it isn't me you're refusing， but God！'

From then on his manner towards me was as cold as ice，which caused me great pain．I began to understand how，if I were his wife， this good， religious man could soon kill me，without feeling any guilt at all．

When he asked me again， we were alone in the sitting－room． He put his hand on my head and spoke quietly in his deep， sincere voice．'Remember， Jane， God calls us to work for Him，and will reward us for it．Say you will marry me，and earn your place in heaven！'I admired and respected him，and under his touch my mind was changing． I was tempted to stop struggling against him， as I had been tempted before，in a different way， by Mr Rochester．The missionary gently held my hand．I could resist his anger， but not his gentleness．I desperately wanted to do what was right．

If I felt certain，'I answered finally，'that God really wanted me to marry you， I would agree！'

My prayers are heard！'cried St John． Close together we stood， waiting for a sign from heaven． I was more excited than I had ever been before． There was a total silence in the house，and the room was full of moonlight．Suddenly my heart stopped beating， and I heard a distant voice cry，'Jane！ Jane！Jane！'—nothing more．Where did it come from？It was the voice of Edward Rochester， and it spoke in sadness and in pain．

I'm coming！'I cried．'Wait for me！'I ran into the garden calling，'Where are you？'Only the hills sent a faint echo back．

I broke away from St John， who had followed， asking me questions．It was my time to give orders now． I told him to leave me， and he obeyed．In my room I fell to my knees to thank God for the sign He had sent me， and waited eagerly for daylight．

■ 23 往昔的呼喚

我答應在莫頓的那個學校住到聖誕節，那時聖約翰會找到另外一位教師。聖誕節放假時他在學校。要和我的一些學生道別，我感到很難過。

“你瞧她們進步多大！而你才工作了不過幾個月的時間！”他說。“想像一下，如果你一生從事教育會成就多大的善事啊！”

“是的，”我答道，“但我不能一直教下去。別提學校了，我現在放假了！”

他表情嚴肅起來：“你有什麼打算？”

“我想請你把漢娜借給我幾天。我要和她從上到下徹底打掃摩爾屋，做好各種聖誕節的準備。你一個男人，對此一無所知。戴安娜和瑪麗下星期回家時，應該一切就緒，我們要過一個真正精彩的節日。”

聖約翰笑了，但他對我還不滿足。“眼下這樣很好。不過，簡，我希望你能超越家居瑣事，看得更高一點，思考一下用更好的辦法以你的精力和智慧為上帝服務。”

“聖約翰，我高興的原因太多了。儘管你批評我，我還是下決心要快快樂樂的。”

那一星期裡，我和漢娜幹得比任何時候都賣力，不過一切終於就緒了。戴安娜和瑪麗經過長途跋涉到家時都凍僵了。她們看到了溫暖的爐火，鋥亮的傢俱，還聞到了蛋糕和爐子上燉肉的香味。又見到她們的面真讓人高興。

聖誕節的一星期裡，我們三人過得興高采烈。沼澤地上的空氣、家中的自由自在以及獨立生活的開始，使戴安娜和瑪麗顯得比我見過的任何時候都要高興。只有聖約翰沒有加入我們的談話和歡笑。他繼續他的學習，並像往常一樣花許多時間看望病人。

“你還想做一個傳教土嗎？”戴安娜一次有點兒傷心地問他。

“什麼也沒有改變，什麼也改變不了我的打算。”他回答說。“我幾個月後就離開英格蘭。”

“那羅莎蒙特·奧利弗小姐呢？”瑪麗輕聲問。

“羅莎蒙特·奧利弗小姐已經和一位格蘭比先生訂婚，據她父親說，是個很匹配的年輕人。”他表情很平靜。我意識到他已克服了他所說的所謂的弱點。

在摩爾屋的生活漸漸褪去了節日的氣氛，我們又開始按老習慣生活，進行正常的學習，聖約翰和我們在一起的時間多起來。有時候我感到他在觀察我們。一天，戴安娜和瑪麗出門了，我正在學習德語，他突然對我說：“我想讓你學印度斯坦語，而不是德語。我在印度做傳教士的工作需要它，你和我一起學可以幫助我。我之所以選擇你，是因為我覺得你比我的兩個妹妹更能集中精力。”這對他似乎至關重要，使我難以拒絕。兩姐妹回來時，看到我正和聖約翰學習印度斯坦語，感到非常驚訝。

從此我們常在一起學習，我必須非常刻苦才能使他滿意。但是，在他的影響下我感到我正在失去保持自我的自由。因為我知道他只讚賞嚴肅認真的態度和學習，我不能再自由地說笑。我好像被他施了定身術，不假思索地服從著他所有的命令。

一天晚上，就寢的時間到了，他吻了兩個妹妹，並道晚安，又像往常那樣伸出手來握我的手。戴安娜笑著說：“聖約翰，你沒把簡當做一家人來對待！你也應該吻她。”我很尷尬，但聖約翰平靜地吻了我。此後每天晚上都這樣。

在所有這些關於家庭與財富的變遷發生的過程中，我始終不能忘記羅切斯特先生。他的名字已寫在我心上，只要我活著，就永遠不會消失。我不僅越來越多地給布萊格斯先生寫信，打聽他的消息，還給費爾法斯太太去過兩封信。但是空等了半年，我不抱希望了，感到無比沮喪。戴安娜說我看上去不舒服，需要到海邊去療養，然而聖約翰卻說我應該集中精力多做些正經的事，還給我更多的印度斯坦語練習來做。

一天，當他和我在沼澤地上散步時，他宣佈：“簡，我六星期後離開。”

“你在為上帝工作。他會保護你。”我說。

“是的，奇怪的是我的朋友沒有一個願與我同行。上帝給所有為他服務的人在天堂都準備好了地方。簡，你的心對此有什麼回答？”

“我的心是沉默的——我的心是沉默的。”我喃喃道。

“那麼我就必須替它說話了。”他用嚴肅低沉的聲音說。“簡，跟我一起去印度做傳教士吧！”

這是上帝的召喚嗎？我感到自己被附上了可怕的咒語，我顫抖著，害怕自己無法逃脫出來。

“噢，聖約翰，別選擇我。”我乞求著。然而他一向認為自己在履行責任，無論那是多麼不愉快；向這樣的人乞求是徒勞的。

“上帝要讓你成為一個傳教士的妻子。”他接著說。“簡，相信我。嫁給我，為上帝服務。”

“聖約翰，我不能，我不夠堅強。”我大聲說。牢籠的鐵條似乎正從四面向我逼近。

“簡，我看到了你工作起來有多麼刻苦。你可以在印度婦女中、在印度學校裡給我很大幫助。”

我心想：“是的，我能夠做到，但我知道他不愛我。儘管這樣，他還讓我嫁給他！”於是我說：

“我準備跟你去印度，但是做為妹妹，而不是妻子。”

他搖搖頭。“你要知道那是不可能的。不行，妹妹隨時可以嫁人，離我而去。我需要一個妻子，在生活中聽命於我，並伴我至死。”

我發起抖來，因為我已感受到他的力量在控制著我。“我會把心交給上帝。”我說。“你不需要的。”我望著他緊繃的臉，知道我可以做為同事伴他到天涯海角，但我永遠不能為與他結婚而失去我的自由。

“我幾天以後再問你一次。”他說。“記住，你拒絕的不是我，而是上帝！”

此後他對我的態度便冷若冰霜，使我非常痛苦。我開始明白，如果我是他的妻子，這個善良、虔誠的男人會很快要了我的命，而自己卻不感到絲毫的愧疚。

他第二次問我時，我們正單獨坐在客廳裡。他將手放在我的頭上，用深沉而真誠的聲音輕聲地說：“簡，記住，上帝呼喚我們為他工作，並將為此獎賞我們。說，你會嫁給我，去爭取你在天堂的位置。”我仰慕他、尊重他，在他的觸摸下我的想法開始變化。我有些想停止對他的反抗，就像過去在另一種情形下受到羅切斯特先生的誘惑一樣。傳教士溫柔地握著我的手。我可以抵抗他的氣憤，卻無法抗拒他的溫柔。我竭力想把事情做對。

我最後說：“如果我的確感到上帝真的想讓我和你結婚，我會同意的。”

“我的祈禱顯靈了！”聖約翰叫道。我們緊緊站在一起，等待來自天堂的信號。我從未像現在這樣激動。屋裡一片寂靜，月光灑了一地。突然，我的心好像停止了跳動。我聽到一個遙遠的聲音呼喚著：“簡！簡！簡！”再沒有別的了。這是從哪兒傳來的？這是羅切斯特先生的聲音，悲傷而痛苦。

“我來了！”我喊著。“等等我！”我跑進花園喊著：“你在哪兒？”只有山丘隱約的回聲。

我從聖約翰身邊掙脫著跑出來，他跟在我後面追問著。現在該輪到我下命令了。我讓他離開我，他遵從了。回到自己的房間後，我跪到地上。感謝上帝給我帶來的訊息。我急切地盼著天亮。

■ Part Five - A Wife At Ferndean Manor

■ 第五部 楓丹莊園的女主人