# ■ 14 Pip visits Estella and Miss Havisham again

Before taking Magwitch abroad，I felt I must see both Estella and Miss Havisham．When I visited Estella's London home，I found she had gone to stay with Miss Hav－isham，and so，leaving Magwitch in Herbert's care，I went by coach to the town I knew so well．

Before walking to Miss Havisham's，I went to the hotel for breakfast．It was an unpleasant shock to discover Bentley Drummle there，but I could imagine his reason for visiting the area．When he noticed me，he immediately called to the waiter，making sure I could hear，‘Listen，you！The lady isn't going riding today．And remember，I'm not having dinner here tonight，I'll be at the lady's．’And Drummle smiled wickedly at me，knowing that what he said cut me to the heart．He went out，shouting for his horse．

If he had spoken Estella's name，I would have hit him．I was so angry with him，and so depressed about my future，that I could not eat the breakfast．Instead I went straight to the old house．

I found Miss Havisham and Estella sitting in the same room，with candles burning as usual．

‘Miss Havisham，’I said，‘I must tell you that I'm as unhappy as you ever wanted me to be．I've discovered who has been paying for my education．Now I know I shall never be rich，or important．I cannot tell you any more．It isn't my secret，but another person's．’I stopped，considering what to say next．

‘Go on，'said Miss Havisham，looking interested．

‘I thought it was you，Miss Havisham！And you encouraged me in my mistake！’

‘Why should I be kind to anybody after all I've suffered！’cried Miss Havisham angrily．

‘Yes，you're right，’I said quickly，to calm her．‘But you also encouraged your relations to think I would inherit some of your fortune．’

‘Why shouldn't I？'she cried wildly．

‘But Matthew Pocket and his son are different．They aren't selfish or greedy，they're generous and honest．I want you to know that．’

She looked carefully at me．‘What do you want for them？’

‘I'm asking for money，’I replied，my cheeks red．‘I would like you to help my friend Herbert become a partner in his company．I started paying for this myself two years ago-and I want to keep it a secret from him－but now I find I can't continue the payments．I can't explain why．It's part of the other person's secret．

Miss Havisham looked at the fire，and then at me again．

‘What else？'she asked．

Turning to Estella，I tried to control my trembling voice．‘You know I love you，Estella，’I said．‘I have loved you long and dearly．'she shook her head．

‘I know，I know I have no hope of ever marrying you，Estella．But I have loved you ever since I first saw you in this house．It was cruel of Miss Havisham to encourage me to hope，but I don't think she meant to be unkind．’

‘What you say，'said Estella very calmly，‘doesn't touch my heart．I can't feel love as you do． And I've warned you of this．Haven't I？’

‘Yes，’I answered miserably，‘but I couldn't believe it．’

‘It's the way I've been brought up．’

‘Estella，Bentley Drummle is in town here．You go riding with him，don't you？Is he having dinner with you tonight？’

‘It is all true，'she answered，a little surprised．

‘You cannot love him，Estella！’I cried．

‘Didn't you listen？I can never love anyone！’And then she added，‘But why not tell you the truth？ I'm going to marry him．’

I covered my face with my hands．After a moment I lifted my head and cried，‘Dont't throw yourself away on an animal like him！Even if you won't marry me，there must be others who love you．Any of them would be a thousand times better than Drummle！’

‘I can't marry a man who expects me to love him．So Drummle will do well enough as my husband．You will soon forget me．’

‘Never，Estella！You are part of myself．You are in every line I've read，in every view I've seen，in every dream I've dreamt．To the last hour of my life，you will remain part of me． God bless you and God forgive you！’I held her hand to my lips for a moment．As I left，Estella's lovely face looked at me in wonder，but Miss Havisham was staring at me with a mixture of pity and guilt．

It was all over．To calm my feelings I walked all the way back to London．At night the Temple gates were always closed，but the night－porter let me in when I told him my name．He gave me an envelope addressed to Mr Pip．Inside，in Wemmick's writing，it said：‘DON’T GO HOME．’

■ 14 匹普再一次拜訪艾絲黛拉和郝薇香小姐

把馬格韋契帶到國外之前，我覺得必需見見艾絲黛拉和郝薇香小姐。當我到了艾絲黛拉的倫敦住處，我發現她已經走了，住在郝薇香小姐那裡。因此，我離開馬格韋契，赫伯特將關照他，我乘馬車去了我瞭如指掌的鎮上。

走到郝薇香小姐家之前，我到餐館吃早飯，在餐館，發現了本特利·朱穆爾，真是掃興。但是，我能想像出他來這個地方的原因。當他發現了我，他立即喊僕人，這很清楚，是說給我聽的。“聽著，你！小姐今天不騎馬了，記住，今天晚上我不在這兒吃晚飯了，我將在小姐家吃。”朱穆爾向我發出惡意的一笑，知道他說這些會傷我的心。他走出餐館，吼著要他的馬。

如果他說出艾絲黛拉的名字，我會揍他的。我對他十分氣憤，如此沮喪的未來。我早飯沒吃，直接去了那座舊住宅。

我發現郝薇香小姐和艾絲黛拉坐在那間和平常一樣點著蠟燭的屋子裡。

“郝薇香小姐，”我說，“我必須告訴你，我沒有像以前你讓我那樣高興，我已經發現了是誰在資助我的學習。我現在明白了，我不會成為富翁或大人物，我不能告訴你更多，那不是我的祕密，而是別人的祕密。”我閉上了嘴，考慮下一步說什麼。

“繼續說，”郝薇香小姐感興趣地看著我說。

“我想那是你，郝薇香小姐！你促使我犯了錯誤！”

“為什麼我必須仁慈地對待每個人蒙受傷害！”郝薇香小姐生氣地叫喊著。

“是的，你說得很對，”我對她心平氣和地接著說，“你也促使了你的親戚認為我會繼承你的財產。”

“我為什麼會這樣？”她瘋了似地叫喊。

“不過，馬修·樸凱特和他的兒子不同，他們不是自私自利貪心的，他們是慷慨誠實的，我讓您知道這一點。”

她仔細地看著我，“你為他們要什麼呢？”

“我要錢，”我回答說，臉紅了起來，“我想讓你去幫助我的朋友赫伯特在他的公司成為股東。兩年前，我開始為這項工作自己投資，我要為此事對他保密——但是，我現在發現我不能繼續投資了，我不能解釋為什麼，那是別人的一部分祕密。”

郝薇香小姐看著火爐，然後又看著我。

“還有什麼？”她問道。

我轉向艾絲黛拉，極力地控制我震顫的聲音，“你知道我愛你，艾絲黛拉，”我說“我已經長時間地深深地愛著你。”她搖了搖頭。

“我知道，我知道和你結婚已經化為泡影，艾絲黛拉。但是，自從我在這座房子裡見到你，就愛上了你。助長這個希望的是郝薇香小姐的殘酷性，不過，我認為她不是惡意的。”

“你說什麼”，艾絲黛拉十分平靜地說，“不要傷我的心，我感覺不到像你說的愛，這一點，我已經警告過你，對嗎？”

“是的，”我悲慘地回答，“可是，我不相信你說的。”

“那就是我成長的路。”

“艾絲黛拉，本特利·朱穆爾在鎮上，你和他一起騎馬，是嗎？他今天晚上和你一起吃晚飯？”

“一點沒錯，”她帶點吃驚的樣子回答。

“你不愛他，艾絲黛拉！”我喊著。

“你沒聽說嗎？我從來不愛任何人！”然後，她補充說，“為什麼不告訴你真相呢？我打算和他結婚。”

我用雙手捂著臉，過了一會兒，我抬起頭，說，“你不要自投虎口去喜歡他！即使你不會和我結婚，那也應該找愛你的人，他們當中任何一個都會比朱穆爾好上千萬倍！”

“我不能和盼望我去愛他的男人結婚，因此，朱穆爾作為我的丈夫再好不過了，你會很快忘掉我的。”

“永遠不會，艾絲黛拉！你是我生命的一部分，你是我讀到的每一行，是我看到的每一景，是我夢到的每一夢。到了我生命的最後一刻，你也將留在我心中。上帝保佑你，上帝寬恕你！”我把她的手放在我的嘴脣上呆了一會兒。這時我感到，艾絲黛拉用那可愛的面容驚奇地看著我。但是，郝薇香小姐用那憐憫和內疚交織的眼神瞅著我。

一切都結束了。平靜一下心情，我踏上回倫敦的路途。晚上，寺廟的大門總是關閉的。但是，當告訴守夜人我的名字時，他讓我進去，他給了我一封寫有匹普收的信件。信內是文米克的筆跡，內容是：“萬勿回家”。